Finally taking a stand with clothes, but guilting started
Ever since custody was worked out, BM has managed to guilt my husband into providing more than he has to (on top of the nearly 1000 in support).
This includes clothes, extra curricular activities, toys. (for both houses!)
My husband always did it because if he didn't, SS13 would go without. And when we had our own kids, my husband became even more sensitive about any "inequality" and would go to ridiculous lengths to make sure SS didn't feel like he got less than our kids.
SS has managed to use this guilt to his full advantage. It's basically expected at this point that every few weeks SS will whine about something not being fair and my husband getting all worked up to make it up to him.
Recently, child support went up because BM requested it. She barely works by the way. But my husband got seriously pissed off because she lied about a bunch of things and the judge believed her.
So for the first time ever, my husband told BM that she needed to provide her own back to school clothes. Her response was basically a bunch of rude texts back.
School started this week and surprisingly my husband has remained firm.
But last night SS texted my husband to say that none of his clothes at home fit and that BM had donated all the small ones. He sends a picture and it's literally 2 shirts and 2 shorts in the closet.
SS asks my husband to buy him more clothes. I know for a a fact BM has put him up to this. Today, my husband texted me saying that maybe he'll buy only a few items for SS. And maybe let him take some clothes from our home over to BM's house.
I absolutely hate this. My husband is not very rich. The only reason he gets by is because I work too. It really pisses me off that both my husband and I work hard while BM just mooches off her boyfriend and works for cash under the table. My husband once jokingly said that the child support he sends is her retirement savings. Because it never seems to get spent on SS.
SS is coming here this weekend and I expect the guilting to come out in full force. I really really hate it and it makes me resent SS.
Tell your DH no and that you
Tell your DH no and that you're not subsidizing BM's home anymore. You work hard so he can send $1000 in CS over there and you can just get by. You won't provide anything extra or take up his share of the home bills becuase he's being guilted. BM is a big girl, with $1000 from your household. She can afford to buy new clothing. If he really doesn't have anything, it's probalby time for a welfare check.
What he needs to do is take
What he needs to do is take those photos to a lawyer and let them deal with it. BM is getting support and that money is to provide for the kid’s needs. If she is refusing to do so then his support should be less OR he should have the majority of the time with the child to make sure he is taken care of.
Yep, a judge needs to see BM
Yep, a judge needs to see BM is not willing or able to buy clothes (even after an increase).
If she truly can not support the child, DH should have custody.
But.
Do you want DH to have custody?
It is likely that BM would suddenly be able to buy clothes because she doesn't want to lose the CS.
But...what if DH is granted majority. Are you ok with that?
In a fair world, the legal
In a fair world, the legal system would see this and tell BM to buy her own clothes.
The CO just states that seasonal clothes must be bought by BM (which she buys poor quality ones that we end up replacing).
But clothes are expected to be provided by the primary custodial parent. When my husband argued that she wasn't providing it, the judge just said they need to work it out between themselves. Not even a reprimand was given.
My husband tried for more custody. But nope, every other weekend and an evening a week. So while my husband pays accordign to that schedule, we actually get SS extra weekends and some weekday nights. Again, the court wouldn't consider changing support amount.
The only way to fight this is to be firm and make BM pays for things at her own home. But then SS comes along and fully emotionally beats up my husband into submission.
We did a wellness check once. Absolutely nothing came out of it. Just told her to buy more food once in a while. Instead, it just brough BM"s wrath upon us and made the next few months a torture (being late to pickup/drop off etc).
It is a total joke here. Everything is skewed towards the BM.
I have similar problems,but
I have similar problems,but Im still childless so fustration is about other things...I would reccomend you to say no to extra money for things like clothing.The real problem will be growing with SS age and for sure he will start begging dad to buy expensive shoes or branded clothes...Kids like that are best manipulators in whole world and with his mum help he will ruin your DH financialy.
Your husband is a fool if he
Your husband is a fool if he falls for this.
Never underestimate the
Never underestimate the effect of guilt on fathers. Especially if the child plays to the guilt like OP's SS seems to do.
My husband has done embarassingly humiliating things just for a few bones of affection from his kids.
But there is nothing to feel
But there is nothing to feel guilty about, he pays over $1000.00 a month in child support. BM can afford to buy him clothes.
He should be pissed that BM is putting his kid up to these manipulation tactics and that the kid is going along wtih it. The kid is 13, old enough to know better, and old enough to know that his mom gets child support and part of that is for clothes.
I agree. The guilt is
I agree. The guilt is misplaced. But I read OP"s older blogs. It looks like her stepson has been trained to manipulate. It's harder for father's to overcome their children's manipulations in my experience.
My husband had nothing to be guilty about either. It was all due to the wretched ex. But he feels what he feels.
Both of you are right. He is
Both of you are right. He is a fool being guided by guilt.
Do the balance sheet. $1000
Do the balance sheet. $1000/mo that your children are not getting sends a very clear picture to DH and to SS.
Though the reality is that NCPs generally get off lightly as CS rarely covers more than a relatively small % of what the USDA estimates that it costs to raise a child from birth to 18. Not to mention college on top of it. In the case of the SpermClan... they paid ~$47K in support for SS from birth to 18yo against the USDA current #'s of >$233K (for a child born in 2015). Though there is some disagreement on the USDA numbers. I believe that they are low.
Here are a couple of calculators to play with regarding the costs of raising a child based on the basics with selectable variables for upgrading beyond the basics.
https://www.nerdwallet.com/blog/insurance/cost-of-raising-a-child/
https://www.cnpp.usda.gov/tools/CRC_Calculator/default.aspx
Trust me, we pay for our fair
Trust me, we pay for our fair share. She lives with her BF< does not pay rent, he pays for all food. Plus, we were providing all clothing, schooling, activity costs.
And SS is well aware of the support being paid. BM just has him wrapped around her finger and he's convinced jmy husband has to pick up the slack.
In my opinion it is good that
In my opinion it is good that you are keeping SS aware of the balance sheet. Maybe it is time to sit down and go over it with him in detail. When a kid sees the total at the bottom of the support sheet and it is highlighted with the "Did you know this is how much I pay your mom/dad for your support each month?" question, the discussions that follow are extremely valuable in giving a kid clarity. And the bonus is that conversations starts to build a box around a toxic parent who manipulates through the kids.
We did this with the SpermClan. They used to dump on SS during SpermLand visitation about how it wasn't fair that he had nice things and his 3 younger SpermIdiot spawned half sibs didn't, how the CS they paid took food out of the younger half spawn's mouths, etc..... So... we showed SS the spread sheet clearly stating the CS received each month (As low as $110/mo) and the costs of raising him (Housing, food, clothing, sports, music, school expenses, etc, etc, etc....) clearly showing what they paid Vs what we paid. We even did a skittles excercise showing him in Green and Red Skittles what they paid Vs what we paid.. Over time the kid learned to readily identify SpermClan toothless toxic manipulations and would call bullshit when they spewed that effluent when they had forced him to the end of his tolerance rope during a visitation.
Over the years SpermClan CS increased from the initial $110/mo paid from SS age 4mos until 2yo, then to $133/mo paid from age 2-11 then to $785 from age 11-12 and ultimately settling at $385/mo from age 12-18. Basically... nothing.
We did not intend for things to go this way but their toxic crap over the years dictated ultimately how we dealt with them and how we kept SS informed on the facts of his Custody/Visitation/Support CO, support finances, and the facts regarding the SpermClan toxic crap, arrest records, etc, etc, etc......
Though it is sad I think that far too many parents insulate their children from reality rather than being honest and forthright with them (in an age appropriate manner). Kids need the facts in order to learn how to navigate their own relationships with the different sides of their family in a multi household family situation. STalk is full of discussion about adult children who never were given the facts and even as adults are being manipulated by an evil toxic PASing parent after decades of sheltering by the side of character and complete manipulation by the evil side in their blended family reality.
He knows how much we pay and
He knows how much we pay and still expects more from us. THings for her house. We tried to educate. But BM has convnced him of falsehoods.
You know this is all a
You know this is all a manipulative tactic from BM to have your H buy the clothes. There is no excuse that this woman is getting all that CS and the kid doesn't have clothes. I won't tell you what you should or shouldn't do but know that every time your H bends that she will only continue to take advantage. Enough is enough and he has to learn to say NO. Even if it kills him he has to have a back bone to stand up for himself and get his power back.
If I were her I'd pull that stunt all the time because in the back of her mind she know's its just a matter of time before he bends.
This is why smacking the
This is why smacking the toxic BM on the nose each time she pulls this crap needs to happen. A rolled up copy of the CO and a well documented archive of the facts makes a good nose swatter when the toxic opposition pulls this crap.
CS covers an NCPs entire
CS covers an NCPs entire support obligation for a child unless otherwise stipulated in the CO (e.g. travel costs, insurance, college costs, etc....).
In our case the NCP (The SpermIdiot) was obligated for a pittance in CS and that covered his entire obligation to SS with the exception of paying for half of visitation travel expenses and half of any medical costs not covered by insurance. Since he was supposed to be providing medical insurance and didn't his CS had an adder to it for what it cost for me to cover SS on my employer provided policy. Since the NCP avoided providing insurance that part of CS stayed in effect for the entire 16+ years we lived under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO.
The NCP needs to toe the line on holding the CP accountable for providing clothing, etc... since clothing is a clear part of what an NCP supports a portion of with CS. Just as the CP should toe the line on holding the NCP accountable for paying CS and anything else stipulated in the CO.
Though I am married the the CP in our blended family picture I have long maintained that in contentious blended family situations it is imperitive that both parties toe the line on holding the other to the terms of the CO. In our case the SpermClan liked to bitch about having to pay then whine and cried about how unfair it was they they had to abide by the CO while we made sure to enforce the CO without fail during the entire time we lived under it.
Their ignorance of the details of the CO and of supplemental jurisdictional rules and state regulations basically gave us an insurmountable advantage but.... that was their problem and not ours.
Guilting by the opposition just caused me to dig my heals in deeper and bring the pain. If I was an NCP... and had an unreasonable X it would have been game on. Good thing that was not the case since I would have a whole lot more to say about blended family life than I already do.
I just took over buying SD's
I just took over buying SD's clothes so we didn't spend too much. BM doesn't send child support and kids grow fast, so I buy things on sale. I buy for next size summer clothes this winter - next size winter clothes this summer, etc. I pay like $3-5 for shorts, shirts, etc. Just buy everything off season and you're not spending much.
I agree
I agree with other posters, keep those photos and show to a lawyer. Tell your stepson that you can’t buy the clothes because you have given all of your money to BM to buy them. My stepson was the same for a while and BM would make him ask us for clothes and school stuff and sports stuff. Our therapist told us to be open and honest with stepson and tell him we pay him mum X amount of $$$ a week to buy him stuff for there. Stepson was shocked and didn’t know we paid child support let alone how much. It was hard but we had to put our foot down and BM eventually had no choice but to sort her shit out.
Another poster mentioned a welfare check. Would be a good idea to look down that road as any child should have there basic needs met. If BM has a partner why doesn’t he buy the kid clothes? It’s ok for you to pick up the financial slack in the household because of this situation. Why can’t BM partner do so too?