new to this step parent thing- I don't love her kids...
I’m new here, first day visiting and reading all your posts and first time positing.
My situation is a little different from the usual. I’m now in a same sex couple relationship. Both my partner and I were married before and we fell in love with each other after our marriages broke down. We have been together for nearly two years. I have come from being married with no kids and she has 3 with her ex. They are SS 15 SD 13 SS 10, and wow it’s tricky.
I was brought up to always help out around the family home, we were a unit and we did equal part of chores and everyday family living. My partner has always done everything for her kids, all they’ve ever needed to do as a chore was empty the dishwasher (they had a draw each to do). Now shes had to go back to work more because their BD is useless and child support doesn’t cover the kids needs, and we have agreed with each other that the kids are old enough to step up and start helping more around the house. They are lazy, it’s exhausting asking them all the time (well she askes them to do their chores as they don’t respond well to me). Theres been a chore consequence list written up to help everyone but that’s not working either. I’m becoming resentful of them. Coming from a life with no kids, I’m in love with her, but I hate to say it I don’t love her kids. They are entitled, rude, selfish and lazy.
We make progress with them, then they go and spend every 2nd weekend with their BD and come back little brats again because he has no rules. How do I do this? How cant I distance myself enough to protect me and not take everything so on board. Is there something I’m not doing that I should be? Is there going to be a day when I love her kids?
I too get really resentful of
I too get really resentful of skids when they don't do chores and are lazy. Maybe it's weird, but I actually like them more when they help around the house. I made the rule that they are not allowed to do anything else, (video games, go play with friends, etc) until their chores are done. So, it's sports, homework, a chore that takes 2 minutes, free time.
Honestly, I don't think you will love her kids much more than you do now (so probably not at all), but you may be able to like them a little more if you can get a routine established and it's not such a chore to get them to help out. Make a new wifi password each day, and they don't get the password until chores are done after school.
Welcome. What you’re
Welcome. What you’re experiencing is normal. It’s hard to love kids that aren’t your own and especially if they are not kind to you. They start to feel like coworkers you can’t stand but you can’t tell them to F off so you get super resentful. Your girlfriend has to allow younthe power to talk to them. You don’t need to discipline them but you should be able to tell them when you don’t agree with them or when you want them to stop something.
Will you ever LOVE them?
Will you ever LOVE them? Maybe not. What you hope is that you can at least LIKE them. Relationships are a 2 way street and while kids don't have fully developed maturity and emotional tools to always behave and interact appropriately.. their parent's job is to develop these skills... so she needs to definitely parent these kids to have healthy relationships. I am curious whether the nature of your relationship is something that they have come to terms with.. their mom's orientation? That is a complexity that most of us don't have to deal with.. hopefully the kids have been raised to be open and accepting, but even then, sometimes kids just don't want their situation to be "different" and that might still mean some things can bubble up.
It is going to be natural that the kids will buck the chores if they have never had to do them before. They will need constant reminders and encouragement to do the right thing. It is their MOTHER's job to do this. Of course, if you are there without mom and you need them to carry their plate into the kitchen.. nothing wrong with asking them nicely to do something.
It will take some patience to retrain.. but it probably can be done if mom is consistent... and positive reinforcement.. not just consequences (though consequences can be good and bad right?)
new rules, constant reminders, small quick consequences
My SO and I introduced new rules in the last 5 days or so - not extra chores, just new behavioural rules - trying to correct minor stuff that bugged each of us - basically verbal bads by my BS11 and SS12 and staving off SS9 from following bad habits of the older two. They were constantly screwing up and we were having to come down on it. We docked 5 minutes screen time for each violation.
It's exhausting. And the squabbling and attempted entrapment by each of them was trying. And these are good kids for the most part.
It's hard work getting kids to do chores or stop a bad behaviour - that's why people let it slide all the time. They don't WANT bad behaviour they just can't be bothered to do the hard work to counter it. I've let stuff slide, too. It happens. But whenever I've done the hard work I've been amazed by the payoff and how quickly things got better. When I was first split from my ex, I was worried my son wouldn't want to be with me, so I got slack. As I got more certainty about my custodial arrangements, I wanted to tighten up and I did, but it's hard work. When I got with my new partner and he was stricter, I leapt at the chance to follow suit. Yes, this was a tough adjustment for my son. Yes, i thought my partner was too strict and I got him to loosen up on some stuff - through TALKING.
Keep at it. All kids are annoying. All kids have amazing moments. The better they behave the more likeable they are. It's not their fault they were raised to do nothing. My advice is to help your partner to enforce more chores. It won't be easy or quick, but it's worth it. Good luck.