Last Leg
For several days within the last week, SS17 has been very argumentative and hostile toward his mother. I verbally intervened 3 days in a row (typically at the supper table). 2 days ago I was at work, and they got into it again. Apparently he "snapped" and was yelling, slamming things as he likes to do when he gets upset. She took his house key. I became aware of the latest incident while at work via text. He left, and later she went to work (she works nights).
He came back, when I was there. DD14 was staying overnight with a friend so she was out of the situation. I stood in front of the door, as he didn't have a key anymore. SS17 was already in a rage (I have no idea why) and said "WHAT!?". We had words, and I expertly handled the situation and did not lose control. It was a rare occassion when I felt threatened by the kid. There's no doubt I can handle that situation, but why should I have to? I did tell him I'm selling the house. It's my house. Also told SO. Admittedly so far I am all talk. That talk included me reaching out to the real estate agent who helped me buy the house. She's willing to work with me to sell it too.
Last night, SO was working again and SS17 arrived after work. Immediately I get "I'm sorry about yesterday. I thought you were on my Facebook." My reply- "No you're not, but you're going to be. Keep your distance." And he has. But this weekend will be interesting because we'll all be in the house at the same time.
My take on the latest example of SS17's behavior-- He was upset about something. He made sure everybody else was upset too, especially his Mom, but also DD14 and me. After he accomplished that, it's over for him and now he wants to make amends. I tried to disengage but it simply doesn't work. The living situation needs to change.
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Comments
Yes, the living situation
Yes, the living situation does need to change for your daughter, but also for you.
Sorry if I missed you saying
Sorry if I missed you saying this before about selling your house, are you planning on your SO moving out too and just going to find a place for you and your daughter or is this about your SS just not having access to your home once he turns 18?
SS17
I expect she will go with him because he has no other support. His BD is a deadbeat, and I've stepped up and supported him for the last 10 years. Probably going to find a 2bdrm somewhere for my daughter and I.
Kid is sick
He is sick, you have to realize nothing is going to change with him. You have your head in the sand think he is normal and can change. Unfortunately that not the case. Nothing you can do will change him. That the way he is. Medication will help, until he stops taking it. Because they can’t sexually perform on these meds, and sex is better then the meds, so the meds go. There no long term place that you can put him.
After reading your blogs, You have to decide what you are going to do, His mother had to take care of him. She feel she has no choice, He can never work in any good paying job, So you are going to support him or he has to go on social security disability and welfare and get an apartment. And you will still be sending money. You must talk with your wife and see what her end game is. Him staying or him getting an apartment and living on his own, Then you have to decide if you are staying or moving out. But wher you are now will be Groundhog Day every day
The fact that your SS
The fact that your SS apologized is a kinda a big deal.
Of course, no one likes someone pitching a fit. Considering his age, maybe SS's going through a rough patch, maybe he's hormonal, maybe that's just who he's going to be as an adult. It's not unheard of for people to yell and slam things when angry, even if it's unpleasant.
Maybe by apologizing, he was trying to say he didn't mean to blow up at everyone when his issue was with his mother. But that he can admit he was wrong is a beautiful quality, especially in a boy, and don't hate me, but I think it's important to acknowledge when someone apologizes, even if it's not as heartfelt as it could be.
You did a great thing by dealing with him without blowing up. That's great modeling and it sounds as if he appreciated it because he apologized without being told to apologize. Maybe his apology didn't sound convincing because of his age and how hard it is for most of us to apologize.
You might not be able to change SS's temper, but it might be good to reinforce that apologizing is the right thing to do when he loses it. By apologizing, he's giving you an in to reinforce what he did wrong, while patting him on the back for apologizing. He might get better at apologizing if his gesture is acknowledged. Or you might be reinforcing the counterbalance to his future long life of blowing up.
I know you probably have been through it with this kid, so I hope you don't take what I said the wrong way. For some of us who blow up easily, we depend on apologies to at least show that we wish we weren't that way and we know it's wrong and miserable for others to witness.
nice thought
marblefawn, I appreciate your point of view and used to think apologies meant something too. But this behavior has been going on for years, and has only gotten more serious as he's grown (physically). We all lose our tempers, say and do things we regret. The thing I struggle with is his behavior is so out of bounds from anything I've seen or done. There are worse 17yr olds out there, but I'm pretty sure they are in jail or on a path to jail. In the old days, the man of the house would just put a whoopin' on a boy like this and things would settle down and go back to normal. But we can't do that today. I strongly believe that he got what he wanted: everybody upset, and now he's good to go and wants to make amends. Problem is, 3 other people in the house are still upset/angry. It helps me to write about it in this blog. Thanks for listening.