"We need to discuss Mother's Day"... Why do I feel guilty?

Oh BM, you are so predictable.

So to catch up a little. I think I mentioned that BM "won" (aka sued someone) $750 a while back. She had told SS that she was going to get her tattoo finished with the money, and she wanted to "blow the rest on him". So... me, being me, asked her stepmom who she sued. Apparently, her last employer failed to give her her last paycheck within 72 hours, so she sued them. Whatever. Then stepmom says "please don't let her spend that money on SS, she has a $1600 ticket she has to pay by July or she will be going to jail". I don't really care if she goes to jail, but I will do what I can.

Last week, SS's phone is going crazy, so I tease him and say his girlfriend (he doesn't have one) needs to calm down and stop blowing up his phone during dinner. He says "that's my mom, and she wants to see me, I think I want to see her too". DH's says, ok, well we can talk to your grandpa and see how we can make that happen". Then DH says, "whatever you guys end up doing, she is not to spend that money she just got on you, she has things she needs to take care of and you don't need ANYTHING". SS says "what do you mean things she needs to take care of?". So DH told him about her ticket.

I could see SS's wheels turning. So later on I picked up his phone to see what his conversation with BM looked like. She had been asking him for weeks to see her. He kept blaming DH and I, that he needed to talk to us about it... which is fine, I don't mind being the bad guy if that's what he needs. Then she started trying to bribe him with shopping again. He told her "I want to see you too, I'll ask my dad now". DH literally said YES, but then said she can't spend money on him so SS replied "he said he would think about it". So once he found out no shopping, he changed his tune. Whatever. Her next response was "we need to talk about Mothers Day". He hasn't responded to her since then, that was last Thursday-ish.

Ok this is where I struggle. DH gives NO shits if SS sees her on Mother's Day. He doesn't think she deserves it and has no intention of going out of his way to make it happen. Her parents, give NO shits if he sees her on Mothers Day and have made it clear that they have not made any plans to help her see him, and have no intention of doing so. SS has not asked to see her, and BM has not requested it from DH. A little part of me feels guilty. I don't know why. She hasn't been a mom to him in longer than I can remember. I am his mom. She gave birth to him, and played house for a few years (and wasn't very good at it) but it stopped a long time ago. I have raised him, and I deserve to be celebrated on that day. Why do I feel bad? And how do I make it go away?

ETA: She did have some of her tattoo done. Both parts she added have to do with Meth Man... and... he has a new girlfriend. So... she is just plain stupid.

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Do you think part of the

Do you think part of the guilt comes from SS being disrespectful and lying to her?

I understand she is pond scum. The scummiest of pond scum that ever scummed a pond. However, I would be disappointed if a kid I raised as my own (or who was my own) used my partner, their bio parent, as a scapegoat. I'd also be disappointed that my kid, who knows his parent is in a bad way, was going to take ANY money from their parent, that they were going to let their parent buy them "love" and attention.

Don't get me wrong. Your BM has a LOT to atone for. However, I am a bit disappointed that he saw his mother as a pay day, and angry on your DH's behalf that he used him as an excuse. SS hasn't had a problem being upfront with BM before, but it sounds like he lied now because he didn't want to tell BM, "well, the only reason I was going to see you was because you were going to buy me stuff, but now that I know you shouldn't and there is no benefit to me, I'm backing out." That's crappy (though typical) behavior out of a teen, no matter who it is to.

I personally would make it crystal clear to SS that it's one thing if he uses DH or GPa as a scapegoat when BM puts him squarely in an awkward position, like saying she'll just pick him up after school or they'll see a movie together and no one has to find out. But when HE puts HIMSELF in an awkward position with his mother, HE needs to own his own misstep. It's unbecoming of a young man to use another person, and even more so that he would lie about his father, a man who has given him a lot of leeway given his maturity with handling the situation. Abusing that privilege shouldn't be accepted.

Please note that I say all this as a SD who used her BD for money and her SF as a scapegoat. I wasn't generally a bad teen, but difficult social situations and a sense that I was owed something by my BD led to some unfavorable, though ultimately not life-altering, decisions. My mother busted me one time for using my SF as a scapegoat, and it nipped the behavior in the bud FAST.

I agree

SS doesn't do this, often. And he is a teenager so yeah, he saw a payday. He has a difficult time telling her "the real reason I don't want to see you is because I am embarrassed by you" or whatever it is. He's a sweet kid and doesn't want to hurt her feelings. But at the same time, needs to grow a pair (for lack of better words) and tell her the truth. He does eventually tell her the truth when she hounds him so much he can't handle it anymore. For example, she was simultaneously asking if she can come to his baseball games on Saturday. He avoided her question for a week, and eventually told her NO, he doesn't want her there. To be honest, the reason we haven't had an issue with being the scapegoat in this is because she is a relentless manipulator. And I hate that he has to deal with that with his own mother. He sees right through her and the only way she lays off is if it is a definate "dad said NO". Or, "the judge said NO". Trust me he has dealt with it in better ways for a long time, but $750 to a 14 year old boy sounds tempting. I don't know one that would not at least consider it.

Oh, I don't want you to think

Oh, I don't want you to think that I am dumping on SS or trying to make this molehill a mountain. He has handled this all VERY well. However, all because he is a good kid 97% of the time doesn't mean the 3% gets to slide. I don't think he needs punished or yelled at, but I do think it should be addressed and a new coping mechanism is put in place. Maybe when he tells BM NO and she hounds, SS can hand the phone to DH and he can handle it from there. I don't that there is a better solution, but it wouldn't be bad (in my eyes) to discuss how SS could have handled the situation differently. Not for BM's sake, but for his own integrity.

This is such good advice.

This is such good advice. His integrity is very important, and good people usually regret the times when they've been less than forthright.

You are right

And we will. I think after Mothers Day passes. She is pressuring him pretty intensely right now. And I don't want to make a tough situation worse. Thank you for always being so diplomatic. And... for understanding my situation. It's been going on for so long and you always seem to know where I am coming from.

I have a lot of respect for

I have a lot of respect for you, BS. While you may want to cave in BM's face and call her every name in the book, you are respectful for the sake of SS and require SS to be respectful, too. You allow him to set his own boundaries, but you remind him that she is his mother and that means something. It clearly shows that he appreciates that from you.

You are the role model for those of us who want to and can be engaged despite a crazy cakes BM.

Also, I appreciate that you have empathy for BM. Not too much, but enough to recognize that while she has burned every bridge, she is still human and could, eventually, get it together. That takes a lot of heart, and being someone with loads of family members with a whole host of mental health and substance use issues, I appreciate that there are people who can and do care even when they have zero reason to.

So, hats off to you, BS. You aren't just one of the good SMs. You're one of the best, and others should strive to have your grace when dealing with deadbeat BPs.

Wow..

That is likely the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me. Although with the years and years of hateful thoughts I've harbored for this woman, I don't feel deserving. I will recognize that restraint is one of my strong points.

Thank you Lt. You've brightened my day :)

Why do you feel guilty? Not

Why do you feel guilty? Not sure but I think that deep down we all have a heart even though this woman has caused many problems in your life. I think you have integrity and because it is Mothers Day it could be a fairness feeling. Even though she is not that great of a mother to your SS she still is his Mum. And it seems like no one else like DH or the grand parents give a sh!t.. You could be taking all that on yourself.

It just seems odd to me

That her own parents don't have any interest anymore. It's like... the day her DAD throws in the towel with her, is the day something is REALLY wrong.

Yes that is odd. I am sure if

Yes that is odd. I am sure if you still feel guilty that will cease to exist soon. Anyway enjoy your Mothers Day.

Honestly Stepmom put you guys

Honestly Stepmom put you guys in a bad position and honestly it's not your place to have to prevent his mother from spending money on him. I think rather than telling the boy details about the ticket (adult stuff he probably doesn't need to know about in detail).. I would have just told him that he needs to be mindful of the fact that his mom doesn't have much money and even if she tells him she has money to blow that she likely should be saving it for a rainy day for herself. Tell him it's ok to accept a small thing (30 dollars or less) but that he should not expect or let her spend a lot of money... especially since he often puts her off in seeing him.

Meh...

I have no soft spot left for covering up her bad decisions. She's put him through hell and back. He knows what she is, and he is 14, not 5. He's aware his mom is a drug addict.

Mother's day is weird for me

Mother's day is weird for me too... After last year's fiasco I firmly told DH he is NOT to even think of getting BM anything, even on behalf of the girls for mother's day. (If they wanted to make a card I would help. They'd just have to ask. Just an FYI. I just don't want my money, as the only source of income, going towards it, and we're already paying a mortgage payment worth of her debt every month that she took in his name). I didn't feel guilty then... BM has NEVER taken care of the girls, even when DH was in the military, he had to move them to his parents' when he deployed because she refused to care for them, he did all the housework he could when he was home, AND he had to completley care for the girls because she refused (only had them so he'd marry her/stay married to her and she could have his military benefits). Then she's been gone almost a year COMPLETELY now. She's not a mom, she's an egg-donor.

So this year DH has already done shopping for it, he took the girls, i remember I was home and he walks through with two gifts and my heart dropped through the f***ing floor. I thought he had broken that boundary and decided to spend money we don't have on her again "for the girls." And it hurt like he!!. Because I was going to be the one eating that cost since that was something he wasn't going to be able to pay for later.

I asked him (as nice as one can when they feel like their heart was just squashed under a rhino) if he had broken his promise after last year's issue. He promised he hadn't. Come to find out both girls just wanted to get me different things... I then made sure he didn't spend tons (I don't even want to eat costs for my own gifts, lol) I felt a little bit guilty after for a bit... Becuase technically I've only been around a few years... But then I kind of realized it doesn't matter. She's not mom, being a mom isn't just giving birth, it's the actions that follow that. She may technically be "mom" but I'm the acting mother. I'm the one waking them up daily, feeding them, getting on them about brushing their teeth, paying daycare. Even though she has some title that society gave her and I'm "just the stepmom," I am a mom. (Not saying I'm BM of course, but I am actively doing the role of a mom) So i should be celebrated that day, and miss abandonment really hasn't done anything worth celebrating... (Unless you celebrate getting knocked up while on drugs to con the bf into marrying her and abandoning two kids...)

To me it sounds like you're doing amazing. So just think of it in the way that you've done the most work. And Mother's day is a day to celebrate mothers and show them how grateful you are for the work they've put in to you. Don't feel guilty! She hasn't put in the work! You have! So you should be celebrated and you have ZERO reason to feel guilty! She burned her own bridges.