I'm trying to figure out where my feelings are coming from. And if what I'm feeling is rational.

I'm writing this knowing that I'm not at the top of my game. I started a short term contract job the day after I got back from visiting my Dad, and I haven't been used to working full time in several months. We dropped the boys off at preschool/school the morning that we left town and picked them back up the day we got back in town. We usually have 50/50 custody, but because of the way things have worked out, we've had the boys all but three days (except when we were away for four days) this month, and I started working again ... and our first free weekend since I started working 2 months ago is coming up ... and I'm on the road for work and exhausted. So I know I may not be too coherent ... or rational. So, I just need to write it out.

I've been doing better dealing with BM. I don't know if it's because I haven't been around to hear her too much, or if some of the reading of "Stepmonster" has helped me, or if, since she's been on two dates with a new guy and has decided (as she always does) that he's "THE ONE" that she just hasn't had need to bother us. But anyway, I've been dealing better. Until last night, just before I headed out for this trip. I didn't get angry, but sad, and hurt, and I'm not sure how to deal with it, rational or not.

It's about birthdays. BF and BM have an agreement to alternate (annually) who has the boys on their birthday each year, and this year it's her turn. Last April for SS4's 4th birthday, she said she had to plan it and we had to pay 1/2 (I was working then but BF wasn't and we were paying for two living places.) and the party was at a local community park (that we found because she couldn't take the time) and she spent almost $50 on a bakery cake for a party that was her best friend (and two family members), BF's Brother and SIL, BF's Mother and StepDad, and my Brother-In-Law and niece. She also bought all licenced character merchandise for tablecloths, plates, cups, etc.

So, in August, at SS6's birthday, she was very controlling of the guest list (wouldn't let me invite any of my family) but we were responsible for decorations, cake, etc. We bought a $15 cake at Costco that I decorated and bought tablecloths, plates, napkins, etc. that were a solid color that matched the theme he had picked, and printed out banners and pictures to go with the theme. Everything was less than what she had paid for the cake and the boys loved it.

The boys have been asking me about decorating cakes for both of their birthdays, and it's something we've been talking about a lot while I drive them to and from school (the first couple weeks of my job were up near where BM lives and they go to school ... about 30 minutes away from where we live.) I've loved thinking about ideas and talking with them about them, and they've been so excited ...

I've been reminding BF that he needs to discuss party options with BM so we can decide if we're having a joint party or separate parties for SS4's birthday that is the end of April. Also, my work contract will have me on the road quite a bit until the end of June, so I need to make plans in advance (something neither BF or BM are very good at.) BF was excited to tell me that he had had a talk with BM yesterday about the party and was happily surprised that they were pretty much on the same page. So last night after the boys were asleep and I was packed, we sat down to talk about it. They have decided that they will alternate who plans the parties and that she will do this one, and that she's going to do the cake. They also decided that things will be split as far as costs go based on how many people each parent has there. I tried to stay positive, but I started crying right after I said that I guess that SS4 and I will just make a cake of our own for home.

It just felt so mean. She hasn't had any interest in cooking, let alone doing a cake. She eats most meals out and takes the boys out or orders carryout and then complains about having no money. Her idea of being creative is buying something to give to the boys, and she's more concerned with it not being a bother than what it costs. It feels like she's just trying to take something away from me. When I was finally in a place where I could explain that to BF he said that it's because her new man is a baker and it's important to her that they do it together.

Is it irrational that I feel like I'd rather just have separate parties than give her another chain to yank? Initially I just said she can do all of the cakes so I don't have this kind of disappointment. But then I started thinking about her way of throwing money at things and decided that I didn't want to give her that kind of power over us either ... I mean, she's been talking up the idea of going to a bounce place or kid's pizza/party place so that she doesn't have to do any work ... and
BF and I just can't afford that, so why should I accept her choices and pay half (or more) of her absurd luxury spending habits?

I want to find some peace. I want to stop hurting so much. I don't want to stop caring, but I don't know how to stop hurting without stopping caring so much about the boys and being a good parent to them.

The cool part of this week was that BF's mother and stepdad were down to help us on our yard, and while she and I were watching the boys play outside she told me that her husband talks about me often (he didn't like BM) and about how good a mom I am, and that she agrees that I am so much better for the boys and for her son than BM ever was.

Peace.