There are so many variations of Steplife & no clear right/wrong answer.

I found this site one night when I realized I was seriously torqued off at a 9 yr old. Like, out-of-proportion angry --- me? Shocking. I was the woman who wanted a big family. I believed families just blended because of good intentions. I was a nice person who worked with kids & was quietly wishing for this particular child to disappear.

You're not alone. Sometimes it helps to look at what you thought life was going to be like, versus what your reality looks like under the harsh light of day.  What were you expecting?

No, it doesn't get easier- just same shit different day. Think about whether you really, really want this. It won't go away.

If you aren't married to this person - DON'T! It never gets easier - I think it gets worse. :( 

You are asking questions any potential SM should be asking.  But, I’m not sure anyone here has the answers you are looking for.  It is not because this is a site “where SPs come to vent,” and it is not because we are bitter or angry or jealous or just don’t get it.  It is because there is really no way to guarantee your success as a SM, period.

There are just too many extenuating factors to take into consideration, and much of the advice out there for SMs is based on long-held presumptions and assumptions vs. actual research, and much of it is based on what largely non-SMs think should work vs. what actually may.   Very few, even amongst professionals, take into consideration SM’s main role as dad’s wife or SO and instead seem to only want to focus on the “mom” part of SM.  Because of this, for years and years SMs have been looked at almost solely as competitors to mom or competitors to SKs for dad’s attention, and SMs have traditionally been treated abrasively and judged harshly because of it.  The reality is, most SMs just want to be dad’s wife or SO, and welcoming to the children.

I’ve been a SM for over 15 years now, and I still can’t really help you with your questions.  What I can tell you is that as a SM, or even potential SM, you need to do what works for you, because there is so much bad or contradictory advise out there, it is unbelievable.  What works in one step-situation might not work in another, because there may be a huge difference in the many factors that go into making a step-situation work.  I often even refer to SP’ing as a crazy backwards world, because things that no woman or wife would be expected to take in an initial family situation, for some reason a SM is expected to take and with no questions asked.  Dad wants to sleep with his 13-year-old daughter in an initial family—"gasp! No way!”  Dad wants to sleep with his 13-year-old daughter in a step-family situation—"oh, poor thing! She needs her father.”  This is just one example. 

Follow your instincts.  If something doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t.  Look out for yourself.  Most people will probably tell you something like, “Just be nice to the kids, and it will all work out,” or something similarly sappy.  It sounds like common sense, and I would have thought the same before I became a SP, but that’s another thing. . . a lot of what sounds like common sense doesn’t work in step-world.  There are studies that show that the nicer a SM is, the more the kids may actually start to despise her, because their loyalties are to mom, and they’ll just automatically look at SM as competition for mom.  This is especially if BM encourages them to think such, which certainly can occur.  There is no way you can change anyone’s mind in this situation.  You can’t control BM; nor should you be expected to.  This is where you need a STRONG DH.  He needs to put his foot down from day one that you are his SO and his children are to treat you as dad’s SO, and not as mom’s competition.  Sounds simple enough, but so many divorced men with children fail on this one it is unbelievable.

Too many of these men wind up treating their wife or SO like a child and their child more like a wife.  Even little things like letting his son or daughter sit in the front seat next to him all the time while you’re in the back, will send the message loud and clear to the kids that they are dad’s significant other and not you.  Children deserve to have all the love in the world, but they are not SOs and they are not wives.  You combine a lot of these SM in the back type situations, along with guilty dad syndrome and BM’s PAS’ing, and next thing you know, you start to feel like the servant they are treating you as, and then when you go to one of your still-married friends to complain, she tells you that you need to understand more and give them space and not put your DH in the middle.  In reality, not only are YOU the one being put in the middle, but you are also being put in the middle of someone else’s divorce fallout.  There is no way you can correct this.  Only your DH can.

Not trying to sound sour, but trying to get you to see that there is no way you should settle for being sloppy seconds just because your DH has children from a previous relationship.  If you feel like you are being the family servant or scapegoat or can never do anything right, or everyone is telling you you need to suck it up for the initial family, these are all signs that your DH is letting you take the fall for him.  One might expect that of BM or even SKs, but very few women ever expect that once they get heavily involved with or marry their DH, that he could so easily shrug his shoulders and let you take the fall for him in reference to his family pretty much every time.  SO, the only advice I can really give you, is make sure you have a strong and true and tried DH before you ever marry him.  He needs to have your back covered.  You’ll need at least that.  

If you live near the child, from what I observed is it never gets better. Your home will never fully be yours, your life will alwys be intruded on, you will always have issues with the inlaws because of the little COD. I even see it in my family. My parents were divorced after my dad had an affair with my grandmother's maid while she was living in a 3rd world country. My grandmother tries  hard not to openly hate her former maid. She told my dad he could not bring the maid to visit her home if they were not married- and that is how their happy marriage started. Think that back fired on my grandmother. They had a child together and my grandmother makes little comments, like, former maid and her child are mistaken if they think they are going to get "xyz" when I die. Yeah, I would say she doesn't treat my father's 2nd family spawn like she treats 1st family spawn. I wouldn't be surprised if her will is written to where the former maid can't get her hands on a dime after she passes. Oh, my dad has been remarried for a ridiculous amount of time, they have to be coming up on 20 years? No one remembers because we ignore the maid, the entire family can't stand her. Now she does plenty to earn that but I'm not writing a book right now. 

   The only reason I am with my husband is because skids live states away. I know I wouldn't be able to deal with a step family situation where skids are in the same town. I can't imagine having my world torn to bits that often. Before skids were PAS'd, everyone was miserable enough having their intrusions during school holidays. Again, I won't get in to how awful the step situation was cause no one would read that much but BM is certified crazy (on disability because of mental issues), skids are already in therapy for their mental issues which all the females in BM's family inherit, DH was a disney dad with his balls in BM's purse, MIL was up BM's butt and insisting DH give everything he had and everything of mine to skid luxuries- screw my kids, I might as well put them in foster care so I can give more to skids. Even if the In Laws aren't obvious about their feelings that CODs need to be treated with kiddie gloves, it is there. The preference is there. Your child from a second family will not matter. Everyone will expect you to sacrafice for BM and skid. No one will understand your feelings and you are only allowed to sacrafice, smile and ask for more. If you ask skids for anything, you are evil SM. If you ask for you, your family or your own child to be respected, you are evil SM. If you are young, get out of this mess now. It only gets worse when they are adults. Go read those forums if you want a glimpse into your future. 

Dear DaniellaR,

I just read your post, and it describes my life somewhat to a T. BM is crazy as can be, ss has inherited a bit of her craziness, but has managed to join the military and is actually thriving there.I pray he makes a career of it and that I seldom ever see him or his rude wife, I can't stand either one of them.  I am just as marginally civil as they are and dish right back the polite disdain, I am done trying.

Great post DaniellaR, but I want to just add that the vast majority of SMs were not involved in an affair with dad prior to his divorce from BM.  The percentage of SMs that cheated with dad while he was still married to BM, and then dad divorced BM and married SM, is somwhere around 10%.  The other 90% are SMs who came along long enough after DH was divorced from BM.  I only say this because I know there are plenty of people out there who even nowadays assume if BM is still living, SM = some chickie who was having an affair with dad while he was still married to BM, whom dad then went on to marry after he divorced BM.  

That’s a hard question to answer as everyone’s experience is different.

My personal experience was that the first 3-4 years were the absolute worst and nearly killed me so I guess it has got better for me overall. That being said – the key question I would be asking other SM’s is would they choose this life again and for me the answer is a firm NO! I love my DH and I’m proud of the blended family we have achieved but had I had any inkling of how hard this life was going to be I would have run a mile when I met my hubby.

And if you’re step-child is very small then you are in it for the long-haul (as I am as I took my skids on when both were still in nappies) and looking at up to two decades of raising someone else’s kid and dealing with a painful ex’s is seriously stressful and exhausting.

You don’t say anything about your relationship with your partner but in the end that’s what should be the deciding factor for you. You and your partner have to be united a nd completely commited to make a blended family work. Someone else posted this article on this site and it sums it up the role of the bio parent very well:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/joel-schwartzberg/what-remarried-dads-owe...

If you’re not getting the respect and support you deserve from your partner then GET OUT NOW as it’s the only thing that makes being a SM worthwhile.

reasonable standards of behvior.  This applies to any kids in the mix and to your own SO.  And for damned sure it applies to any Xs that may be in play.

IMHO we all train everyone we interface with how we will be treated.  Train them.  But first  you have to train yourself on how you WILL be treated, you have to set the boundaries and standards that will govern how you will manage the process of training those you interface with in all of this, and you have to commit to yourself and hold yourself accountable for tolerating nothing less than reasonable behavior from everyone in the mix.

A good starting place is the Step Parents Bill of Rights.  Here it is for your reference.

1-I will be part of the decision-making process in my marriage and family at all times.

2-People outside the immediate family - including ex-wives or husbands, in-laws and adult children - cannot make plans that affect my life without my consent.

3-I will not be responsible for the welfare of children for whom I can set no limits.

4-I must be consulted about which children will live with us, when they can visit and how long they will stay.

5-I will not be solely responsible for housework; chores will be distributed fairly.

6-I will be consulted regarding all family financial matters.

7-Others may not violate my private space at home, nor take or use my possessions without my permission.

8-I will never be treated as an "outsider" in my own home.

9-My husband or wife and stepchildren must treat me with respect.

10-Our marriage is our first priority, and we will address all issues together.

IMHO of course.

Good luck and take care of you.

I've been with my DH since my skids were 10 and 8. They are 17 and 14 now. I think it has gotten easier, especially after I had a disengagement period, and then when we had our own bio kid 2 years ago. Prior to that, the skids thought they (and the HCBM) ran the show, but once my kid came, they all had to take a back seat, and for good reason. Only a few more years left and the skids can move on. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for us stepparents. Remember the rules of disengagement, and if you feel stressed, step back.