custody modification today!
Bf is going to court today, judge is going to make a decision about modification today.
BM refused to mediate or to negotiate. The last 4 years this was the custody situation:
Mon - Thursday: we had skid. PU and drop off to school, lunches, dinners and all except BM took her Tuesday night after she got home from work. She was supposed to pick her up at 7:30pm but she is late every time by 20-30 mins. So the skid does not get to her house until 8:30, and her bedtime is at 9pm at our house.
BM has her Friday - Sun. She pays some stranger to pick up the skid from school on Friday, since she is so busy at work that she cannot pick her up herself at 6pm. She is a workaholic. Mon-Thur she is in her office until crack of dawn, we get emails from her at 2am from her office (she only has internet access at work). She used to do the same when the skid was an infant. She would stay at her office until 4 am and my bf had to bottle feed the baby every night and basically raised the baby single handed.
On the weekends BM does all kinds of "wonderful" activities, like visiting baby animal farms, Disneyland, apple picking etc. Stuff that we could hardly compete with, since during the week there is not much time and money after school and work to do "cool" things.
BM is constantly harassing bf for more money, even though he pays $400/month in CS + 50% after school care/summer camp+health insurance and makes $15,000 less/year than BM.
So, bf is back in court and he is asking for following modifications:
* BM needs to pick up skid from school on Tuesdays herself at 6pm, or we get to keep her that night, if she cannot do that. No more dragging the kid around at 8pm, just that she could see the BM for 30 minutes before going to bed. Having the skid Mon-Thur uninterrupted, would also eliminate face to face exchanges and confrontations with BM.
* He is asking 1 Saturday/ month to have skid, so that we could do "fun" weekend activities, not just grunt work.
* Fair CS, reflecting the time she spends with us.
* No talk, discussion, freak outs by BM in front the skid, all correspondence needs to be done through email. No last minute cancellations, running late etc...unless it's a medical emergency. Any changes need to be notified ahead of time in order to be considered.
* Equal and planned time for vacations, holidays, b-days. No last minute changes or requests.
So, wish us luck today. I will post later of the outcome.
Thanks beaccountable. I feel
Thanks beaccountable. I feel so anxious, my stomach is in a knot.
you said:
"As far as the other stuff,,,honestly the judge may wag his finger at her and tell her "she needs to manage her time better and pick the children UP on time" Also, the children need to count on visitation, pick UP's and drop time.
We went thru BM not picking up the kids for anything."
The judge has already slapped her on the wrist a few times. She was in contempt with court, since she refused to respond to the modification petition (or whatever that's called). She was also belligerent in court and the judge had to tell her to stop. The judge has also yelled her for refusing to come up with any modification or to be cooperating. The judge has also ordered her to attend court appointed psycho-therapy. So yeah, BM is not on good standing with the judge. I am hoping that this will help my bf's case.
Agreed, it does not make any sense that some BMs or any parent could behave in such self centered, asshole-ish way.
Best of luck to you. Based
Best of luck to you. Based on what I read, it seems that CS is pretty unfair. I hope you get a better shake out after today.
Update: Some good news. Some
Update:
Some good news. Some frustrating news.
Good news BF got his CS reduced to $250/month + after school care. So, that's $150 less. That is really a relief. $150 makes a big difference.
As far as custody goes, there is still somethings to be worked out. When bf originally asked for the skid to stay overnight on Tuesday and have BM pick her up herself on Thursday, he said that he is asking for that because he will be adding more hours on Thursday night at his workplace (partially to qualify for health insurance).
So basically the judge said that as soon as BF can say he is working on Thursday nights, we can have the skid on Tuesday overnight and the BM will have to pick her up on Thursday from after school care. So I guess now it's up to BF to implement that. As far as holidays and b-days and such, the judge made it a decision between BF and BM (big eye roll here).
Bf and I got into a small argument over something I said.
I said "well at least the law backs us up and covers our ass, so BM can't just do whatever she wants". BF got pissed when I said that and he was like "whatever! I don't give a s**t what is written on that paper, I am not going to wave that into her face every time she wants to f**k with us; and you know she will" and said to him "yeah, I know she will and I am not asking you to wave it into her face, I just wanted to let you know that I feel better having this written down and signed by judge, it's a document to help us have things on clearer terms"
I felt like he was pissed that I was not happier about some of the changes. I am happy and it is a relief and those were the first things I said. But in the same time I wanted to hear about the other things too without having to feel like walking on eggshells. I tried to diffuse the tension and ask him how he felt. He said he felt nothing, numb.
I was not sure what to say to that. I guess I will see him later tonight. I feel like that conversation did not go well...
Thanks for your kind words
Thanks for your kind words beaccountable!
I do wish that there were at least some things in writing. At least something on the consequences of being late, or at least summer vacations and such. I actually had to ask BF if we could sit down with the calendar and mark out the days he would like the skid to be with us in the summer. I need to know. He grudingly agreed, but I know I will have to bring it up again in order to actually make it happen. Grrrrrr.
How were you able to get to that point of peace with your partner, without being the constant naggy, unhappy, pushy person?
I feel like that's what I am becoming, nag, bitch, nag...and with that I have hard time saying positive things to my BF without grinding my teeth. I feel so angry at him, I just want to clap real loud in his face and say "for god sake wake up and take care of it, don't you want peace in your life?"
I will try to encourage him more. It's hard though, he gives me nothing to feel encouraged by.