I want to be engaged, but
I am new at this, but felt I needed to find a site like this to reassure me I am not alone in trying to understand the dynamics at work. I am a 57 yo widower and met a wonderful woman with 2 adult daughters ages 38 and 35. The 38 yo seems to like me and get along with me fine, but the 35 yo has done nothing but mock me, ridicule me, make fun of me and laugh at me from the very beginning. She has issues with substance abuse and with the help of her mom, we have tried to give her advice on how to get unsupervised custody of her daughter and getting her life on track. One day back in Sep of last year, she blew up in a fit of rage, spit in my face, flipped me off and said f you. To this day she has never apologized to me and I feel very uncomfortable being around her. I am civil and polite around her, but not comfortable at all. I know she has tried to drive a wedge between her mom and I, but that's not going to happen. I just hope my approach of just remaining civil and polite will continue to work. Any other ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thanks
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Avoid her. There's no
Avoid her. There's no realistic way to help people who won't help themselves first... If someone doesn't COMPLETLEY want to change, they won't. Trying to help them is only going to form resentment and more issues.
Many thanks
Thank you all so much for the words of encouragement. I also know I cannot change her or should enable her in any way. So far when she comes around and I simply avoid her, it has not been an issue with her mom. I only hope that as time goes by that her mother does not start to harbor any resentment toward me for being so standoffish towards her daughter. I have always thought of myself as being a gentle guy, easy going, middle of the road, live and let live, and peacekeeper type. One of my fears is that my new wife will start to take sides and think that I am being too unreasonable about avoiding her and not talking to her, I guess I will have to deal with that issue should it arise. I just find it so odd that a person who I have treated with respect, courtesy and kindness can be so evil towards me. I think humans in general wonder what they did to deserve such treatment...I know there is nothing wrong with me, but still, I can't help but wonder. Is it the drugs, or do some people simply choose to go around being miserable and full of bitterness? I want to ask her why she hates me so much, but to me her actions speak volumes and I suppose it would not really matter what she said. I am only 57 and was married for 30 years before my wife passed away from cancer, and a father of one child and a grandpa. I can honestly say I have never had to deal with this type of behavior in a person before and that is why I am so perplexed over it. I know I should not beat myself up over it because I choose to remain happy and upbeat. If others want to wallow around in bitterness and misery, so be it, I don't have to be a part of it and I thank you guys for allowing me to be heard. Thanks again.
It sounds as if this adult
It sounds as if this adult skid is an addict. She may have been under the influence when she attacked you.
Addiction stunts emotional growth. If she's been using for years, that may explain why she behaves in such an awful way. However, it doesn't excuse her mistreatment of you, or absolve her from the consequences of her actions.
You are under no obligation to have an abusive person in your life, and I don't blame you for not wanting to be around her. I would advise you to keep a careful eye on your wife and watch for signs of enabling on her part. Also, make sure that your money is protected and that no joint funds are being used to "help" your abuser.
My SD is not an addict. She's
My SD is not an addict. She's educated, successful, living quite large. I wasn't the cause of her parents' breakup. I've only been nice. But I've also been treated as you have, so your SD's addiction is not an excuse.
You're wondering what will happen if your wife becomes resentful that you avoid SD. That's an easy one because I went through it. All you have to do is remind your spouse of her daughter spitting in your face less than a year ago and then very sweetly say, "There would have to be something mentally wrong with me to want to be around anyone who treats me that way." Trust me, it's a conversation ender! It cannot be argued because IT'S TRUE!
If you need a backup statement, you just sweetly tell her, "SD has made it clear that she doesn't want to be around me. I'm doing both of you a favor by keeping my distance so you and SD can have a relationship." And right there, BAM!, you're the hero for getting out of their way! And, it cannot be argued because IT'S TRUE!
I'm sorry that after such a long relationship with your first wife you find yourself here. And I also wonder what I did wrong, how awful I must be that my own SD hates me so much. I constantly battle that. But reasonably I know it's not me, and it's not a lot of people on this site. There's no shortage of literature about the devastation divorce causes on kids, especially adult children. These are scarred kids with guilty parents. This combination can be lethal to everyone else, especially the poor seconds (second wife, second husband), who have no idea what they're in for when they marry.
Quite good
Thanks again for the info. I do believe she is an addict but cannot see how she supports her addiction, but I have a few ideas. That being said, I do keep a close eye out and will not entertain ideas of giving her money directly or indirectly. In the past I helped with gas and groceries thinking she would see me as a friend, someone she could confide in, someone who was on her side and not her nemesis, but that did nothing. I never made any demands that she accept me as her moms husband, my only hope was that she would be happy for her mom, that mom finally found a man who treats her like a queen, places her on a pedestal and takes good care of her. Good advice as well about reminding my wife about what happened. In fact it has not come to that I hope it does not, but if it should then yes, that is my trump card because it is so true. I truely want her to have a relationship with her daughter, after all, it is her daughter and I am not one to stand in the way of that, but at the same time being mistreated by her is not acceptable. I suppose part of it in her eyes is that I will never measure up and she will simlpy continue to treat me with distain. Good point in that I have knows this from the start, but in keeping my distance, I can only hope that things never again escalate to the point that it did when she blew up because I have not offered any advice, or engaged her in conversation. Again, civil and polite, but that's as far as it goes. Fortunately she does not come around all that often so thank goodness for that. Thanks again for all the good advice and for allowing me to be heard.