Yep. A lot of the exact same things except that I am a childless woman approaching my 'expiration date' married to a man with 3 kids from a previous relationship.

Not sure what to tell you. I really love my husband, but your description of being 'shoehorned' into a family when you don't feel like it's family perfectly describes how I feel. I, too, feel like my husband talked a lot about having kids together in the courting phase and early in our marriage and then dropped the topic on me...I am always the one who has had to bring it up.

Truthfully, as much as I love my husband, and as much as we have a great time together...if I were still five years younger, or even 3 years younger, I might leave him for the chance to find someone else and have a kid or two. The chances, now, of me finding and falling in love with someone who is a good fit for me in time to conceive a healthy baby...honestly it just sounds exhausting. Part of me feels like my husband ran out my biological clock on purpose...but I know it's more nuanced and complicated than that.

As a man...you have longer. If a child is something you want, find someone a little younger than you, someone who doesn't have kids...and make your family happen. I feel like I can't believe that I'm going to miss out on the experience...never carry a child, never nurse a baby. But I have a huge, close-knit family with tons and tons of babies who are related to me who I love and who love me (oldest of 6, mom one of 8, dad one of 6...the children literally feel like a never-ending supply.) My husband has recently told me that he's going to commit to helping me be a great aunt to these kids...and be a better uncle, and he's been following through on that. It feels, to me, like this is not the same but an acceptable consolation prize. If I were you...without those rich family ties...I don't think I would stay with my DH.

First of all I'm sorry for this and for all you have been through. My story is only similar in a few respects. My son met someone a few years ago who is a few years older than him and has a son in his teens from her previous marriage. The teenagers bio father has no contact with his son and my son went into this thinking he could be a sort of dad to this kid, but it hasn't quite worked out like that and my son has had to accept that he isn't, and never will be, a dad to this boy.
His SO has had two pregnancies to my son and both were miscarried- she has lots of health problems and I don't think she is really capable of bearing another child- hence my son has also had to come to terms with being childless to a woman who has already raised one child. I think this is hard for him but he truly loves this woman and would rather be childless with her than leave her for the chance of one day being a daddy.
However, no one can predict the future, and the bonus in being a man is that there is no limit to the age at which you could be a father.
I think you need to see your SO as the woman you say you love and not a baby machine. Becoming a father would not make you a better man, healthier or more successful- what I think would make you a better man is to do right by the woman you love and whether that is to leave her for someone else or to stay with her whatever the future holds can only be your decision.
I think the issue of your being adopted is slightly irrelevant- lots of people try to reproduce the happy experiences of their childhoods by having families of their own, but it doesn't work out that way. Equally, people who had unhappy times as children see the family as a perfect antidote to that hardship- but it doesn't always work that way either. All families are unique to themselves and face unique challenges. I hope this challenge resolves itself in the best interest of all involved.

I can 100% relate to this. It sucks. I wish I had advice to give you but I am currently torn as well. DH went from wanting "us" child to not wanting one, to wanting one again but being mad because I know we financially can't afford it. Just know you are not alone. If you want to msg me feel free. Sometimes it helps to just have someone to talk to.

I'm sorry but if you want kids and she doesn't (anymore), that means you are not compatible.

I am sorry you are going through this. It must hurt and be very difficult to deal with.

I don't think you two are compatible. She has had children with someone else: she does not want children with you. Either you accept being childless is a factor in your relationship with her, or you get divorced and find someone who wants to have children with you.

She can not understand how you feel: she has children. YOu need to decide what is more important - your wife or a child. From experience, I would choose my son over a husband on any day.

(Make sure you are able to have children, btw. People assume that they can. It is not always that simple.)

It sounds as if you both misread things - this specific woman made you want kids that you didn't want before you met her. And perhaps she changed her mind about wanting more kids - or you misread her. So remember that when you feel that twinge of resentment - you both changed your tune on the kid issue.

Likewise, no, she can't appreciate why procreating matters to you and you can't appreciate why she's done with parenting. That's true of all people - we never really know what it's like to be in someone's shoes. So try to forgive that she can't see it from your point of view.

Kids are a huge commitment, so I don't know if you should push her to have them. That's on you to decide.

That aside, don't rule out adoption! That's the one glimmer of hope she's given you for parenthood. You're reasonable enough to know that just because your home life was not ideal doesn't mean all adoptions fail. There are biological children who murder their parents, but that hasn't chased you off from wanting to procreate. Right? So use that same reasoning to open your mind to adoption - it might be the compromise to move closer to what you want. She is moving toward compromising by saying she won't give birth, but she'll consider adoption. I think that's a pretty huge step for her. Dude, if you want a kid, and this great woman in your life, loosen your standard to get it. That is how you get both

If compromise doesn't work, only you can decide what you're willing to give up in life. But here are a few more thoughts:

You could leave her and never find someone worthy of marrying again, so, still no kids.

You might find someone, but find out she can't have kids, she changes her mind, she gets really sick and can't, or maybe you find out you can't have kids. There are no guarantees.

I'm gonna be presumptuous here: You long for family, but I bet there was a time when you thought if you could just find the right woman, all your problems would be solved. You have that now and, hmmmm, it's not enough. You might get that kid you so want and find after a while that the void is still there. Rather than leaving a loving wife to get the kid you want, make sure the kid is the fix. If you have a lifelong void like many of us, learn to make peace with that void - it's a surer fix than a lifetime of band-aids. It's very important to fill your needs, but just be sure you're identifying the problem and the fix correctly. And don't be fooled into thinking that kid will heal everything. Hell, you might have kids and they might go Menendez Brothers on you!