BM childcare drama
Hi Im new here and wanted some oppinions
Here's the situation:
SS12 has a somewhat bad BM
During the last 3 years she has:
Sent SS12 over in dirty/unfit clothes---"he dresses himself"
Called my husband(then bf) to buy her booze--"I dont want to leave him alone to go get booze"
At several points Ss12(then 9&10) told us the outrageous amt of bottles that were on her floor
Burned and cut his hand on a frozen pizza bc she was unconscious on the couch
The list goes on
Now the latest:
She has been living with her fiance for a couple of years and he normally takes care of SS12 Sun nights when we drop him off if she is not there
For the past few Sundays she called us with very little notice( 5-2hrs) to let us kbow that we are going to have SS until his bedtime of 930 bc she is taking on more gours at work.
On one of these occasions we called Fiance(who had plans to go out) and asked nicely if he could take SS(we had prior plans and were only given 20 min notice by BM. Fiance said yes so we dropped SS at their house.
Around 930 we get an angry phonecall from BM that we owe her $20 because Fiance dropped SS off at a babysitter who is paid.(my husband pays child support and has SS EVERY weekend)
So after a conversation that lasted an hour my husband tells me he will give her 20 dollars
I told him hell no I am not paying for the BMs poor monetary decisions(the sitter is her sister who gets paid to babysit !!!).
Am I overreacting?
It doesn't matter who the
It doesn't matter who the sitter is.
Expect drama every time you deviate from the CO. If it's not worth it, don't do it. That may mean missing a party, or something, here and there, for the next 6 years. Tho, your SS is almost old enough to stay home alone up until midnight. Your BM is an alcoholic. Make peace with that and adjust accordingly.
The agreement BM and hubs
The agreement BM and hubs have states bringing SS back by 6pm.
She is the one not there when we try to droo him off at that time(she is the one deviating)
BM fiance is the one who
BM fiance is the one who dropped SS off at a paid sitters house therefore hubs should not be responsible for paying that bill the Fiance should.
hold on... the SF has nothing
hold on... the SF has nothing to do with this and should not pay anything, BM can pay... why does she want the child if she's not there, SF is not a babysitter, she can't just assume he will look after her child.
BM could've asked your husband if he can keep SS for an extra night cause she's working, hooking or what ever....
This will only help DH to get full custody cause it's really not ideal conditions for this child to grow up in.
Well, You can likely look at
Well, You can likely look at this two ways on the babysitter, but to start, when you have the child eight days a month and BM has him 22days a month, it's pretty normal your DH is going to have to pay CS.
It is also not abnormal for childcare to be to be on top of CS (like usually medical insurance and share split cost are). In the case of this last weekend, BM was working (aka an legit babysitting cost). It's not BM's DF's responsibility to babysit a child that isn't his. It's between the parents. What does the CO say about working daycare needs (and yes, I know she works evenings, but it is still 'daycare' cost)?
Next, it is not unusual to pay a relative to babysit. So being BM's sister should not calculate into the situation. The sister gave up her Sunday evening to watch the child. Nothing wrong in expecting her to be paid.
I see your Dh has two BMs in his life (lucky him, not!). So I do imagine a sudden surprise in additional expenses can be a hardship. Paying CS to two BMs , I'm sure you feel like one mom or the other (if not both) always have their hand out.
The thing to think of is, what happens if BM goes and modifies the CO to perhaps include child care cost for her work time. Would it cost Dad more than he pays now?
On the other hand, what if Dad goes and modifies the CO parenting and just takes Friday, Saturday AND Sunday overnights (dropping kiddo off at school Monday mornings). Would that save Dad in some CS due to boosting his overnights/days to 12 a month? The more hours BM works the higher her wages get in figuring CS (if your state does it that way) also.
I mean, I 'get' it, sucks when she is to have taken the child by six and doesn't due to her new work hours, especially when it's every weekend with you and DH having no 'free' weekends together. But stop and look at this from all angles and see which way it might make you and Dad come out ahead financially. For example, if Dad got an occasional sitter for a Saturday or Sunday evening (hopefully a free willing relative who would not charge) would could it end up saving Dad in CS? The kid is getting close to being able to leave alone for a few hours (check what your state says).
And finally, if the mother is that much of a drunk, the day may come you end up with the child full time. Are you prepared for that? Sounds like his life with Mom isn't all that great. I'd hate to think of a child going home to a drunken mom with the house full of empty bottles with her passed out on the couch.
My issue is NOT that hubs
My issue is NOT that hubs pays CS(that is normal as you pointed out)
My only issue is that though she is supposed to have him on Sunday nights she keeps not being there and fails to give adequate notice(as we drop him off we get a phonecall that she wont be there)
Only ONCE (out of quite a few times ) did I have a problem with having the SS over longer(tho the whole entire time shes been springing it on us without notice- going on 8 weks now)
She had been leaving her fiance to do the childcare on Sundays(it is her arrangement with him not ours). So tho we knew that he had plans we asked him he did say yes to taking SS.(no mention of him dropping off Ss or wanting $ for babysitting was made to us by him so we assumed that all was ok when he told us he was going to take ss at 6 and even picked him up)
At 930 that night we got a phonecall from her sayong we owe her 20 dollars for babysitting. When asked it was evident her fiance had dropped Ss off at her sisters who gets paid to babysit.
When fiance took the responsability of babysiting then the responsability is his to babysit. If he decides to drop Ss off at a paid babysitters then it should be him who pays.-- nevermimd that he is there because she isnt when shes supposed to be.
I did ask hubs to sit down with her bc clearly if her hours have changed at work more stable arrangememts need to be made for ss sake.also let him know that I am willing to have SS until 930(better for him if he is in the environment where his schoolbooks are for sleeping as morning routine is diff at the 2 housholds etc) on 2 Sundays a month(we laso see him most wednesdays and he can call his dad anytime).
Custody talks have been brought up on more than one occasion when SS arrived to our hose filthy with stained clothes etc.(he shares a room with bro ss6 but upon turning13 he will get his own room at our house--he has alk he needs at our house as well as new clothes which he can take with him and does--clothes never to be seen again
I know this is not the advice
I know this is not the advice you want, but why is this train wreck allowed to have the child at all? She sounds like an unfit parent and alcoholic!
If this were my situation, I would sue her for full custody of the child so that he can have a better and more stable life with me, not be shoved around and subjected to her dysfunctional crazy. At least then I would not have to deal with her stupid calls for money. In fact, she would pay ME CS.
Myss. After discussing with
Myss. After discussing with hubs we agreed that if she continues he stupid s*** then she will be directed to talk to the courts about it(in addition to the above hubs has back child support from when he had a back injury 5 years before he met me and she has been sending him texts about how he wikl never catch up and things. He has all but $1000 paid off). Thereupon I will pull out all the things mentioned above(which I have written down)
The other stuff was just a bit of background and all stopped when fiance moved in but if it starts happening again then custody court it is.
And as for me I have already started preparations in case SS12moves in with us.
Her paying us CS.. Wouldn't THAT be nice.