Manipulative Adult Step Daughter
Hi,
I am 52 Mum from the UK - but can't find anywhere in the UK to discuss this - like this site! Please help!
Been with my partner aged 68 for 12 years. both our previous marriages broke down long before we met each other. I have a loving caring family. He is not the type to display emotions that much.
I have 2 bio children Son aged 30 and daughter aged 27. We have a great relationship, they don't live close but we see them once every few weeks maybe.
He has 3 children son 38 and twins daughter and son aged 36.
I have had problems with all of them but specifically the daughter. I believe she is trying to separate us.
Over the years I have done quite a lot for the twins. The boy had no job and I got him into teaching, supporting his college (he was living with us) and his job search. He then went and made a mess of it and had a disciplinary hearing for having 'sexual relations' with a girl (aged 17) from the school. As no one else seemed to want to help him, I did, I helped him all the way through his court case etc. During this time he met his now wife. However he also whilst drunk attempted to get into my daughters bedroom while staying at our house that Christmas - twice! my daughter had to lock her door to keep him from getting in! In the morning he was sobbing - everyone else thought it was the stress he was under with the court case - but I later found out what he had done & now realise it was shame. When he was crying - both his sister, brother and did did nothing to offer him support so I had go and sympathise. He left that day (Christmas Day) to go to his girlfriends house and we haven't really seen him much since.
His Sister. The SD. Again I have done a lot for her, I am a PT & yoga teacher & I encouraged her to run - and she ran a few marathons with me - backing out of one big one at the last minute because she met her new boyfriend. When she met my children for the first time we were on holiday skiing - my son was 17 and she was 24 - she basically pounced on him (although I realise he is not innocent in all this!) and ended up taking him to bed. So inappropriate! Over the years I have had them to our house, for Christmas, Easter, lots of occasions, and we have had them to our holiday home to stay with us several times. As they had done nothing last year to try to see their Dad, and we were away (on our own) for Christmas I arranged for all of them - mine children & spouses included - to rent a cottage for New year near my sisters house.
The SD's boyfriend - 27 years old (9 years her junior) behaved appallingly. Peeing over the floor in 2 toilets, and just basically getting very drunk and being very rude at my sisters house. The party was a small family affair and his behaviour was very noticeable. Later that night he and the SS - the twin got into the hot tub outside the cottage (about 2am) and continuing to drink - both of them starting talking about me and their Dad. All overheard by my daughter and her boyfriend. The last sentence from the BF before she confronted them was "I hate B...." meaning ME!
We found out from my daughter and son, who were forced to tell me because I was thinking ahead to next year to book another holiday for everyone. They said they did not want to come - if they were going.
When we heard I was concerned that the SD did not know about it - so I suggested her dad went to see her. He did - and the result was that she basically told him it was me that had caused it - because of all the things I had done to her! He was so worried about this he either blanked it out or just didn't tell me - but the text she sent to him afterwards were indicative of her hoping that she had said enough to try to put a wedge between us or even split us up.
Because her Dad was so confused by all that went on - he wrote her an email trying to explain why we were upset about what had gone on, saying that we just needed an apology for his behaviour. I was obviously thinking that I wouldn't really want anyone who can say he hates me in my house again. A reply from the SD just brought even more innuendo and abuse even suggesting that my daughter was in someway to blame for not 'stopping what was happening sooner' !! We did get an apology eventually from the BF but it was for being drunk, and hurting his girlfriend nothing else. Then the SS got involved sending a text to his dad that was meant for the BF - just awful saying how bad his dad was!
The upshot is that we have had a mumbled apology from the SS for his part in the hot tub, and an apology for being drunk - not for anything he actually did or said from the BF. So after another email saying that we need the innuendo clearing up and that maybe the apologies needed to be a bit more sincere. we got 16 repeated calls from the SD saying "dad pick up" and "I'm your daughter remember" She was hysterical - her BF text her Dad saying "YOU need to sort this"
The whole thing was appalling!
So we decided we need to meet up - but to try to do that was impossible - it took us from June to Nov to find a date. (strained texting between their Dad and SS) We met last weekend. All I can say is that I feel as if I have been through a witch hunt. SD lanced into me - EVERYTHING she said was ridiculous - she implied that the reason I have made her life so difficult since I have been with her dad is things like - when I met her BF i was "wearing gym stuff" - I am a personal trainer - thats what I do! Her dad did really try to stick up for both him & me - but I clammed up - I had no idea I was going to get this...abuse....
The trouble is SD is very manipulative. We found out just a week or so before the meeting that she is getting married. But she didn't tell her dad. we found out at the meeting she is 12 weeks pregnant - she took a lot of joy in spitting that at us! However - she has been depressed recently and under medication - partly why I thought their Dad should go and see her in the first instance. She described herself in the meeting as 'Broken" and stately that she 'wants to kill herself' then a few minutes later told us she was pregnant. I find this all really strange. I have been clinically depressed and could not have behaved like her! She appeared to be on speed! snide comments - nothing was said without her chipping in - something under her breath! But of course her dad didn't hear this!
Now we are just going around in circles - Her dad doesn't know if he is invited to the wedding or when it is - he doesn't know if he wants to go but feels obliged to ... 'what will everyone think' he says.... I think deep down he wants to walk away - but I feel I would be wrong to encourage this even if I don't want anything to do with them!
There is so so much more but I feel as if I have gone on long enough!
Thanks to anyone who can offer advise.
It's hard to follow all of
It's hard to follow all of this because it's a family nightmare. Stay away from these ridiculous, toxic people.
She's highly manipulative and knows how to use it. I've seen the same things.
"I'm so depressed and going to kill myself" means daddy is not paying enough attention to her. "I am pregnant and getting married" will be used as a carrot to get what she wants from her dad. Expect this child to be used to hold your relationship hostage.
Tell your SO that you support him having a healthy, age-appropriate relationship with his children, but you would rather not be involved given the recent toxicity. His children are adults, not young kids on a visitation plan to daddy. You owe them absolutely nothing. Let him deal with the relationship with his kids, and you focus on your own children. Read about disengagement on this site. As whacko as this family is, you want to stay as far away as possible.
Agree, 100%
Agree, 100%
You also sound thoughtful and
You also sound thoughtful and caring.
BUT
How about you and your husband plan New Years at the Cottage all by yourselves. NO BIO KIDS. NO sister...just you and him.
Ma'am...stop providing so much for grown up's. Stop trying to get the daughter to run or jump or work or play. Give IT A BREAK
Also the 36 year old SHOULD NOT BE LIVING AT HOME. HE can find a flat he can afford OR roommates if needed.
NEW YEAR means new life.
I could not get thru much more after reading the first few paragraphs. I felt sick inside. Your husband is almost 70 years old and your focus is on his middle aged kids.
GoodLuck
You lost me at "I was
You lost me at "I was thinking ahead to next year to book a holiday for everyone". These people are adults. Thy need a life of their own, not a mother organising their holidays for them.
My advice...back off and just stop.it. Stop trying to police this circus. Stop making these people the focus of your daily thoughts.
I had an overbearing MIL who always "booked" holidays for us (on her terms of course) because her idea of utopia was to see all her descendants in the same room playing happy family. Recipe for disaster especially with this lot who clearly have established some pretty darn unhealthy boundaries among themselves.
If your DH's kids can't be arsed to come by for a visit, then he needs to deal with them himself.
I know your intentions are genuine, but you seem to have some unrealistic expectation that paying for their holidays will earn their respect.
I was trying to provide
I was trying to provide opportunities for their father to see them. They have their own lives and going on their own holidays. I don't police anything and I am not trying to make anyone focus on my thoughts. Neither I nor my partner thought I was being overbearing, but I guess that it could have been construed that way. I was not paying for their holidays, we have a house in the mediterranean where they appeared to want to come. Thank you for your advise though, it has made me look at it from a different angle.
yogamum: I provided
yogamum: I provided opportunities for 30+ years, kept a "Brady Bunch Family" in tact. It all backfired on me and now they have chosen to forget all my efforts; yes, even DH has forgotten.
Just a warning for your efforts.
I second Sammi....you can
I second Sammi....you can give and give and they ALL take advantage of you, even your mate, who forgets very quickly unless you stop. Just stop, you may eventually get some respect by doing nothing.
CANYOUHELP: The sad part,
CANYOUHELP: The sad part, nobody ever realizes what you, I, or anyone here are talking about. You can talk until you're blue.
I just walked away and do for people that respect and appreciate me.
My SD57 and DH have forgotten all the years I was good to them. When I disengaged, it was my fault, and I am the bad person. They can't understand why I would disengage. Imagine that!
I do get respect from my DH now, only because I won't accept the bad treatment. I know one thing for sure, in my case; if I give SD or DH a chance to go back, they would go right back to the treatment they handed out for 30+ years. So I move forward. Not a chance am I putting myself through it again.
Tossing pearls before swine.
Tossing pearls before swine. Think twice about wasting your time (which is your life) on people who will never appreciate you or your efforts. I wasted years of my life throwing it away by the handfuls on people who are now trying to get into our finances before my DH of 53 yrs. dies because they're terrified I'll inherit everything. At the time I figured all this out it actually hurt my feelings because I'd done so much for them over the years. These days I regret every damn thing I ever did for them. These people have reserved seats on the hell train. No standing in line for them..
For goodness sake, just stop
For goodness sake, just stop with the drama. You see your kids, your DH can see his kids. Keep it simple and stop trying to have everybody together and plan holidays and activities. It is clearly not working. If you don't want to be around his kids, that's absolutely your choice. Read up on disengaging. It's too late to fix his kids.
If your kids want to visit, great. If his kids want to visit, great. If someone acts badly, then they are not invited back the next time and you or DH see that kid outside of your home. But you are inviting toxicity into it. Give these kids the great gift of figuring out how to be adults on their own. That their parents didn't do a better job preparing them is sad, but there it is. They will figure it out, or they won't but the more you and DH interfere, the less likely it is that they WILL figure it out.
You say your DH doesn't know what to do about the SD's wedding. Well, that's up to him. Stop worrying about it. I would say something along the lines of "I'll support whatever you want to do, honey." And leave it at that. If he goes, fine. If you want to go, fine. If you want to stay home, also fine.
Your DH is 68 -- same as mine. This is the time to enjoy your marriage, your hobbies, your friends without trying to raise children. Take care of yourselves and your marriage first and foremost.
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^^^^
This is the script for a
This is the script for a "Lifetime" movie. Just stop doing for these adults. Your efforts are obviously wasted on them.
A little wisdom from The Good Book that says it all:
"Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine, lest they trample them. under their feet, and turn again and rend you."
Matthew 7:6
About SD, I hope that she is under a watchful doctors care, to be pregnant and suicidal is a terrible combination.
Your role as a step parent is to STEP back, way back and let DH deal w/his very dysfunctional brood.
Thank you all. I thought I
Thank you all.
I thought I was doing the right thing trying to arrange opportunities for their father to see them. Obviously I was not. I will step back and learn how to move forward from there.
Your husband is perfectly
Your husband is perfectly capable of arranging his own opportunities to see his children. If you're arranging visits then you're seen as meddling and inserting yourself into their dynamic. If you don't arrange time to see them then they will accuse you of keeping them from their father, even if he is a lazy parent. As a SM it's a lose-lose situation, whatever you do is wrong so it's better to focus on yourself and your marriage leaving the parenting of his own children to DH.
Yes I absolutely agree with
Yes I absolutely agree with still learning. They are adults and no matter what you do they will never appreciate it. I used to prepare shrimp, steaks, really good meals when ss used to come over. He would put the food on his plate but never touch it, such a waste. But let my ex make a shriveled up, unwashed salad with unwashed hands and put sliced cold hot dogs and cold beans on it and ss would be chowing it down and raving what a great cook my ex was. Do not waste your time on people who will never appreciate it. I am sure you can find better ways to spend your time, energy and money. You can give them a million dollars and they will still find fault with you. So just ease yourself out of the situation and focus on you and the people you love and will appreciate you. You are worth so much more than those parasites think you are worth.
My ex's daughter managed to
My ex's daughter managed to split us up, and always acted so sweet and goody two shoes about everything, they don't need to appear nasty to be able to manipulate their daddy, as soon as she has that first child, watch out, that was really when my problems began. I am in the UK also, I moved out of my ex's last Thursday, and to be honest, I am so glad to be away from his toxic bullying and treating me as though I did not exist when his brats were around, boy I hate his daughter, just so glad I do not have to put up with their crap any more. Please dis-engage as someone else has suggested before she manages to get the knife in and split you both up. Do not do anything for them any more and keep them away from your home as much as possible.
Hi Savvy- it's great to hear
Hi Savvy- it's great to hear from you as I've been wondering how you are.
I am so glad you finally moved out and are making a new life for yourself- keep us informed!
Yes Fairyo, settled into my
Yes Fairyo, settled into my new home, still living out of boxes to a degree until my new out house is completed, but very much happier away from that toxic relationship
Great to hear-hope it
Great to hear-hope it continues!
Yes, herpes for both of them,
Yes, herpes for both of them, and maybe throw in a little tape worm too boot!
Ha ha enuf, that is hilarious
Ha ha enuf, that is hilarious lol
Ugh...sorry your manipulative
Ugh...sorry your manipulative SD reproduced. Hang on, because things are about to really ramp up once she has that child. My boyfriend's daughter got pregnant...he catered to her, bought food for her and her boyfriend (they couldn't afford groceries yet had satellite, smart phones, pets, etc), paid to have her car fixed and inspected, then once the kid was born was writing out monthly checks to her for $350 in addition to everything else. The rest of the family was also in a tizzy to do anything and everything for her. Her demands got worse and worse...she finally demanded her father pay off her student loan (she failed out after the first semester and was in arrears as she hadn't bothered to repay one cent in years). She was also hinting heavily about purchasing a house that was for sale next to her mother's party trailer (she wasn't even working full time). He didn't take the bait about the house. Refused to pay her student loan for her. The punishment? She hasn't allowed her father to see her kid in several years, and for good measure, his other adult children are also punishing him (she's their ring leader).
My advice to you is to tell your DH to have fun visiting his daughter and grandkid without you. Trust me, it won't be fun!!!!
Oh let's not forget about SD
Oh let's not forget about SD withholding the grandbaby when she doesn't get her way.
That is such a babymamma ploy
That is such a babymamma ploy "you can't see my child" if you don't obey me. DH's son is begging him to come be in the grandson's life while babymamma GF tells DH that he can no longer see the boy because DH won't make me let them use my belongings. Eat sh*t and die little girl.
I honestly don't know how much DH sees his grandson. DH sees his son when he is in town. I guess he sees the grandchild too. I ask no questions.
When we were at DisneyWorld DH found a toy he wanted for his grandson. I reminded DH that it was his grandson's birthday (2 years old) next week and that it would make a nice present. DH had no clue. I stay out of just about everything - but this poor little child with the worthless parents does deserve a birthday gift from his grandfather.