I would say that there are more than a few step mothers from hell out there, but even so, all step mothers cannot be lumped into one category. Some are genuine, some ARE manipulating.

***** ADMITTED RANT *****

ldvilan, I am a step daughter and a step mother so a little bit qualified here...

1) Dad was or is being duped by SM. Dad was somehow “tricked” into being with or marrying SM. He “wasn’t quite operating on all sixes.” Dad is being victimized and so are the adult children. Dad has the mentality of a twelve year old, basically, and dang-it, SM is controlling his every move and using him as a money/sex slave.
PINK: Ha! I came into our marriage making 2X as much as my husband. He also had a hefty amount of debt. And, a late teenage son who was/is, well, a just plain jerk. Nonetheless, I largely took the high road despite being repeatedly called every bad name in the book, watching fists punch through the walls of my home and being sworn at on a daily basis with absolutely no consequences or remorse. I thought every single day "I just have to make it until he's 18"... yeah, well. It didn't get much better after that despite paying for the kid's education and helping him find a job (that he screwed up and lost). That being said, as a step daughter I HATED my stepmother... she was also my mother's best friend until she started boinking my Dad while he was still married. That being said, my being disrespectful to my step monster would NEVER have been tolerated. The worst she ever had to deal with with me was the sideways eye role when I was a teenager. I've since (as an adult) had the discussion that I apologized for anything bad I had every done around here. Being a step parent is more often than not, a nightmare.

2) SMs pretend to be nice. Do they? Most SMs have no clue what they are getting into, but like anyone else in a difficult social situation, they want to put their best foot forward. Some do go overboard in the beginning, and then may have to take a step-back when they realize they are trying too hard and probably making things worse. But “pretending” has nothing to do with it.
PINK: How about, as step mothers, sometimes we ARE actually nice. We have our bad days like everyone else (NOTICE, Stepkid, you have bad days, too). And, BTW, as the adults in the household with responsibilities like paying the mortgage, dragging your sorry behinds to social activities, and a real JOB that affords you shelter, food, and clothing, we have a few other things to worry about.

3) Their motives are greed and manipulation. Are they? I know in my case, I made more money than my husband when we married, so greed sure as heck didn’t enter into it, unless it was on his part. I’d suspect most of the time dad and SM are on a near level financial field. Manipulation? Not sure what is meant by that. Is SM being manipulative because she acts like dad’s wife and wants to be treated as dad’s wife? Oftentimes, I think without knowing it, people answer Yes to this. Most think a SM is supposed to just stay off to the side completely whenever the initial family is around and accept the role as dad’s lesser companion.
PINK: See item 1), above. I certainly exercised my greed and manipulation when I spent my annual bonuses on the college education your father didn't save for while he was UNEMPLOYED. BTW, I appreciated the "thank you" note you sent me. NOT.

4) Most of them don’t even care about the husbands they are using. You can slice and dice it anyway you want, but the vast majority of SMs do marry for love. If it was as easy as marrying a man without children or marrying a man with children, most would go for marrying the man without children every time. But, love enters the picture and you think you can make it work with the man you love and his children. Bonus children.
PINK: Believe me, I would have chosen WITHOUT KIDS had I thought that far in advance. Most step-children are little angels until the marriage (or minimally the engagement) happens. To future potential step-parents (step dad's, too) BEWARE!

5) The children are nothing but in the way. This is interesting, because this is the same comment many SMs make—that SM feels like she is nothing but in the way. The poster above is an adult SK. Adult children are to eventually go off on their own and find their own way. Spouses, on the other hand, are to be together for life. Dad and SM are husband and wife, so no one should be surprised when they act like husband and wife or SOs. Adult children will not get the same attention that a spouse gets, and this is regardless of a step-situation or not. I sure as heck don’t get as much attention from my dad as my mom, his spouse does.
PINK: ^^^^^What she said^^^^^

6) Any woman who is foolish enough to marry a man who comes with children deserves what she gets from those children. Well, there may be a little bit of truth to that one Eye-wink .
PINK: Why is it ever okay to be disrespectful to other human beings... but (and, yes, I am old fashioned) respect your elders? Or, fake it for your respect for your Dad/Parent... it only makes the life of the natural parent that you DO love SUCK if you're a little jerk to their significant other. And, oh, on a more practical note unless your Dad/Parent has done a ridiculous amount of financial planning, set up a trust, etc. If he dies first, your step mother can do whatever she wants with "YOUR" inheritance because in most states everything goes to his/her spouse. May be a good reason to suck it up on the rare occasions you have to deal with her.

It sounds like SM stuck around and took care of their father for 13 years even after he was taken down a few notches by an accident. Did the adult daughters volunteer to give up their time and resources to take care of dear old dad, probably not, yet they resent SM who did. Did they pay his medical bills; mmmm I'm guessing no, but SM is taking advantage of him financially...ha!

I'm guessing that the SM in this scenerio could have ditched her injured DH and his two *lovely* daughters Anastasia and Drizella for a healthier childless man who whose medical bills weren't such a drain on her finances. SM had her reasons for staying be it for love, duty, compassion, commitment, though none of these are acknowledged by the these women. They seem to be bitter for the sake of being bitter, succumbing to old outdated stereotypes that fit their childish outlook on the world.

Lucky for the SM she will be rid of those nasty ungrateful SD's for good! Hopefully she will *burn* all ties w/them at the stake and move forward with her life.

I face a similar dynamic from DH's family.

DH's grandmother died when he was 9. His grandfather remarried a year or two later, to a woman who was the same age as him (so, in other words, he did not marry someone much younger). They were married for 25 years before DH's grandfather died. Even before I was married to DH, I heard all about how this woman was terrible, was only out to get his grandfather's money, never worked a day in her life, etc. Mind you, this woman was in all of their lives for 25 years and is still alive in a nursing home (she's in her mid-90s now), but no one ever goes to visit her.

I've told DH that as a stepmother myself, it makes me feel uncomfortable to hear his family talk about this woman in such a negative way. He tells me I'm judging his mother. MIL is angry because apparently there was some money her parents set aside to pay for her and her siblings to go to college (which they all did and it was all paid for). His mother is convinced that this stepmother got this money, even though she has no idea what her father's expenses were. MIL's father and stepmother lived in an assisted living facility during her father's final years. Those places are typically expensive, for all MIL knows, all of his money went to cover those expenses. Also, MIL lived thousands of miles away when her father was in his final years, so she wasn't caring for him. I've reminded DH that a) it was his grandfather's choice to decide where all of his assets should go upon his death; b) it's not uncommon for a woman his stepgrandmother's age to not have worked at all, it would be more uncommon for her to have worked; c) his mother doesn't even know if there was any money left when her father died; d) his mother was never left wanting and had all of her college expenses paid for, so maybe her parents spent the money they had saved to put her and her siblings through college; e) when DH's father died, all of his assets went to DH's mother, nothing went to DH and his adult siblings; f) someone should always provide for their spouse first and not worry about their adult children who are capable of providing for themselves.

MIL has already told DH - in front of me - that DH should make his brother (not me) the executor of his will to ensure "your boys get what is rightfully theirs". Um, ok, first of all, I hope we don't have to deal with DH's will for a very long time; second of all, DH had nothing when I met him. He and BM had no assets, but had racked up plenty of debt. He was dead broke when I met him and BM spent all of the money they had put aside to cover college expenses for their children. I don't feel obligated to make that up, at all. MIL also loves to tell both DH and SSs all the things that we should be doing for them - like expensive vacations, sleep away camp, etc - because she loved doing those things as a kid. Again, that's great, but tell BM (who makes twice what DH makes, yet still can't save a dime) that she should be paying for those things, because she already spent all of DH's money. It is one of the many things that makes me hold my MIL at arms length.

DH assumes his children will love me and treat me just like a second mother soon enough. That I shouldn't worry about them asking me for money after he's gone and that he also knows that I'll be so close to them by the time he's gone that I will want to do whatever I can to help them succeed financially. I'm just preparing myself so that I won't be hurt or offended when inevitably DH's family and sons just see me as someone out to keep all of "DH's money" from them.

It bothers me that children always feel as if they "deserve" something when their parents die. I'll be happy if my parents are taken care of and not wanting ever in their lives. I don't want them to go without because they're worried about leaving me something.

What a great insightful post with good answers saved in my mind for the "haters".
Thank you

Yes it is so sad...I'm sure most SM's, like SF's, go in to this situation with the best of intentions. And every single thing they do and say is scrutinized and held against them, regardless of how unfair and untrue

SF's are judged far far less, and I could be way off but it seems to me that it's usually the SD's that have the issues with SM, and I can only speak for my own situation, but when it comes to my OSD (and her Aunt my SIL) I have been treated with what probably summed up would be emotional abuse, from two very insecure and jealous women. End of story.

All of their "issues" and complaints about me, the treatment they seem to think they're justified in dishing out, is all a result of competition when it comes to my relationship with DH (and with SIL well, in everything!) and revenge because they're not "winning"

I never felt any competition to them or jealous of their relationship, so after many years of confusion over their rejection/sheer hatred of me, finally it sunk in that they were insanely resentful, simply because DH loved me and chose to have me in his life

You are so correct when you say SM's are just expected to stay in the background as a nothing when around DH's family, because you know, how horrific that our DH might actually love us on equal (or more oh no :jawdrop: ) footing

I don't think that SM's are evil, they are human beings like everyone else. Some of course do act evil and although it's not an excuse, the step situation can be very difficult and bring out the worst in people.

I don't believe all step-children (adult or otherwise) are evil either. Deep down I'm sure SIL and OSD aren't really evil, they seriously just have some emotional issues. Even before DH & I ever got together, I've seen and heard stories about what both were like....insecure, angry people. The divorce and introduction to step-parents just made both even worse

I care about both of my stepchildren and I want them to be happy. (SS38 & SD37). I wish we could have blended better, but I will settle for politeness. Not much to expect, but at the very least they should be able to deliver that. SS does a pretty good job of that, but SD has tried to be a trouble maker. I will never be close to her, because I feel constantly judged by her. I didn't know DH's daughter would turn out to be the stereotype of the jealous and immature SD either.

I have made DH many happy memories and have been faithfully by his side through good times and bad. That's all I am called to do.
I can't solve SD's psychological problems, she should get counseling for that. She's had issues long before meeting me, so I think most people can see that I'm really not the problem.

My DH, I am sad to say, has fallen short of the leader he should have been to this blended family he created. He doesn't have strong leadership qualities and has let his kids act up. I've tried to encourage him to be a parent. That good parenting sometimes means teaching the kids respect. Saying no to them, when appropriate, is good parenting. I have demonstrated this to him by example of how I command respect from my own children. I have a wonderful relationship with my own children and I want him to also have that. My kids have always been warm and welcoming to DH, patient and kind to him.