Asking as a BM- Am I not asking enough of my kids?
Dh complains my bio kids don't do enough but I think he is asking too much. Kids at home are BS20, BS17, and YBD16. DH and I have been together 11 years. Seems anytime we fight over the kids it's because he doesn't like how the house was cleaned or I ask him to do something around the house. DH is OCD about cleaning. He came home complaining about what a crappy job my daughter did cleaning the kitchen the other day till I reminded him DD was at her dad's house for the week and I was the one who cleaned the kitchen.
All kids clean their own rooms and do their own laundry. I receive child support for the two minor children.
BS20 works 4pm-2am M-T, he is also a home health aid for his twin who is in college in the next town so he spends F-M with her. He's also in the Army Reserves. He doesn't have chores but pays $250 a month in rent, buys his own food, insurance, and phone. He does clean up after himself.
BS17 is a senior this year, in marching band and tennis, makes good grades, and just got his license. His chores are his own room, clean dinning room after dinner including hallway, and cleans the common bathroom.
BD16 is a junior this year, in the choir and spends Friday night to Monday morning with her dad. Her chore is her own room, wash dishes and clean kitchen after dinner.
I cook all meals and do Dh's laundry. I am currently on unemployment so I know that stressed DH out. But every time I ask him to do something around the house he freaks out and complains the kids should be doing it. Early I asked him to go fill up the purified water jug for me. It's 5 gallons and hard for me to lift when full. DH was fine doing it and said he would till BS17 got home from his friends house. Was not in the house 10 minutes before DH starts complaining that all DS does is lay around and he shouldn't have to go do stuff when we have "lazy teenagers". He says this after spending all morning playing on his phone while I went grocery shopping, cleaned the kitchen, and cooked him lunch.
Personally i think he's being to hard expecting them to do too much and honestly I'm sick and tired of hearing him complain about the kids all the time! I'm starting to wonder in a few years when they move out what will be excuse not to help around the house then.
Am I being an annoying partner or is he expecting too much out of the kids?
Sounds like he is expecting
Sounds like he is expecting too much. Kids can and should help around the house , but they are not maids . I was happy my DD cleaned up after herself , helped when I asked her, did her own laundry and a did a few set chores .
Your DS20 is contributing and as long as he isn't laying around all day eating everything in the house, your DH needs to leave him be.
And if my SO decided to complain about the way the kitchen had been cleaned ( by me , but he thought by a kid )it be his job from now on.
Is your DH paying for things for your kids ? Or does your unemployement and CS cover the majority ? Not to mention the $250 in rent.
If you want your husband to
If you want your husband to feel like things are more equitable (or to show him that they already are) perhaps you can work out a new chore system. Breakdown how much everyone is in the house, so your bs20 and bd16 would have fewer chores, if you have more time right now because you are not working then perhaps you take on a few extra chores . Then asign everyone to cleaning their personal spaces. Then take the other chores that need doing regularly and split them beteeen your husband, the kids and you based in how much time you are all have available. If irregular chores can be split between you all then split them up too.
If you do this process (or something similar) with your husband perhaps he will feel more part of the system and that everyone is pulling thier weight.
Could your husbands high
Could your husbands high expectations stem from feelings of resentment?
I think your expectations of your Bios is fair by the way. If your DH is rather OCD then it's probably just not the amount they do in question but that they don't do it to the standard he would. I can also be guilty of that too so I understand the problem. Sadly, I don't have the answer. For myself, I have had to learn to compromise and if I want to have things my way then have to do it myself
"Could your husbands high
"Could your husbands high expectations stem from feelings of resentment?"
^^Very likely. DH was extremely critical of my bios the first year they lived with us. He'd complain and mumble about everthing from a shoe sticking out in the hallway to a spot of something on the counter, a hallway light on, a dish not being cleaned to his liking. The best was a strip of grass my son had missed when mowing.
Why all of this was so ridiculous was that DH hasn't washed a dish since we moved in. DH never mowed his lawn and completely overgrown when we moved in. My boys sweep, mop, vaccuum, mow, wash dishes, clean counters, dump trash, hang laundry...DH does none of this. At the time ss32 was using our home as a flop house, did he ever lift a finger? Nope. Did he contribute by doing chores or helping out? Nope. ss32 didn't wash his dishes, left a mess wherever he went yet it was my kids that were getting flack for tiny *infractions* from dh. ss32 started joining in too and scolding the boys for putting a dish in the wrong place, and ranting if the boys bathroom wasn't clean enough. oh the irony.
It stopped when DH and I had it out and I told DH that he was welcome to mow his own lawn, or have his able bodied son do it. Wash his own dishes, do his laundry..etc. His tune changed real fast when his dishes were put to the side, his laundry left undone, the yard untended. It took just a few days for DH to go from critical to praising their efforts.
TBH, It seems like your
TBH, It seems like your younger kids are doing some chores around the house, but BS20 doesn't seem to have to do anything but clean up after himself. If I understand the schedule he is out of the house over the weekend. But the other days it seems he could be pitching in.
I also did not see any yard or outdoor chores on the list. No taking out garbage (though that could be in the other responsibilities). I think that your kids should generally be helpful and not just stick to "their chores", but your DH seems to be picking at this a bit too.
Might be time for you to lay
Might be time for you to lay out what everyone does... and ask your DH to help rearrange things so that it's more "fair".
He might stop complaining when he realizes that chores in everyone else's lists are starting to "fairly be spread to him"
Also - I wouldn't really count your bS20 in that list... he's paying "rent", buying his own supplies... seems like more of a tenant than a "child who needs chores"
Tenants still have a
Tenants still have a responsibility to keep the household clean/tidy. Whenever I have rented somewhere I still had to do housework. The tiny amount of rent he pays covers the mortgage/rent and utilities etc, not a maid service.
I can't help but think he's
I can't help but think he's resentful about something... perhaps because you're on unemployment and he's paying for your kids? But to be honest, it's been 11 years... those kids should be like family to him, by now. I pay for my stepdaughter more than either of her parents do and I don't feel she "owes" me. It's the life I chose. I'd have a serious talk, and don't be surprised if more comes out of it than chores.
Time for a spreadsheet
Time for a spreadsheet clearly showing what your kids do.... and a column showing what you do and what DH does. Sit him down to review the facts of the situation and if he needs some help comprehending the facts.... roll up the spreadsheet and smack him vigorously about the head and shoulders with it. Figuratively of course.
Since he can't recognize what he is directly observing and experiencing putting it in a structured form may help his OCD addled brain gain some clarity. It sounds to me that he has projected his OCD onto others and is no longer putting his own world in order... if that is a thing.
Good luck.
I think the idea of a
I think the idea of a spreadsheet is really good. My sister once advised me to do the same with my ex husband but she added that we shouldn't just write down what people are doing but also add the time it takes to do these things. When we sat down and looked at how much we were both doing, it was clear that the jobs I was doing actually took up three times more time than his. He was amazed and it did lead to him taking on a few more of the time-consuming jobs.
My SO showed a lot of resentment when he was living with me and my kids. He had a really tough upbringing and a really strong view that kids should be doing a lot more chores than I was comfortable with. Having been on my own with four kids for most of the past ten years, my older daughters have taken on a lot of responsibility taking care of their younger siblings. This doesn't mean changing diapers or making dinner but it does mean being responsible for them while i'm working or out at the supermarket or something. I think this counts as a chore but my SO doesn't see it that way.
I agree with some of the
I agree with some of the comments that your BS20 is a tenant, not a child living in the house. It would bother me if another adult living in my house never did any of the common cleaning up tasks.
I also think that it's probably a fine balance, because you do have three adult or almost adult children living in the house and you may seem like a family unit that does not include your DH.
Right now, I have 11 year old twin SSs who spend every other weekend with us. I don't expect much, but did request that dirty laundry goes in the laundry room (three steps from both of their bedrooms), that dirty dishes go in the sink, and trash goes in the trash can. After every visit (which lasts two days), there are dirty clothes in nearly every room, except our bedroom, trash in every room (except our bedroom), and dirty dishes in bedrooms and by the television. It always leads to a fight with DH who says he doesn't expect me to do it, but then doesn't do it himself or remind the children to do it themselves. Periodically, he'll say to them that they need to pick up or I'll get mad (again, not the look I'm going for, either, should be - you need to pick up because that's your responsibility). I know when they are teenagers, my patience will be even more thin when it comes to them leaving their things everywhere and not pitching in with minimal effort.
My advice would be to have an honest, non-emotional conversation with your DH saying that you realize this is bothering him and asking him to provide specifics on what is bothering him. Even the way you're asking your question implies that you already think he is wrong and maybe that's part of the problem. Maybe he's upset because the kids are going through the motions and not actually doing what they need to do, maybe it's that you allow their other activities to be an excuse for them not doing what they need to do, maybe it is just resentment, but also try to approach that from a non-emotional place, too. I personally try to parse out what's really bothering me with my SSs and sometimes, it is resentment, but sometimes it's because they treat my house like a hotel and expect me to be the chamber maid for them and their father neither sets them straight nor takes care of things. I wouldn't accept that behavior from them if they were my own children, so I shouldn't have to accept it just because they are not my bio children.