13 YO SD a sweetheart, but I'm concerned for her...
Hi! New member here. MY SO has 2 kids, SD (13) and SS (9) whom I really love and care for. Overall, they are great kids and things run pretty smoothly when we have them every other weekend. However, the 13 year old SD has exhibited behaviors that are concerning to me, yet SO hasn’t shown much concern unless I gently push the issue. Examples:
1) Bed wetting. She is finally starting to get over this, but I have really had to push things along as it seems this was sort of swept under the rug before me. I caught on only when I first started dating SO about a year ago, and saw SD come out of her bedroom Saturday mornings and dispose of her pull-ups as if it were no big deal. That’s when I realized what the awful stench was in her bedroom (I don’t know how it went unnoticed). I brought the issue up with SO, asked if BM was aware (she was, but was supposedly “working on it”), and basically politely demanded that before I move in, SD gets a new mattress and we monitor the issue closely (no drinks within an hour or 2 before bedtime, use the bathroom before bedtime, keep track of dry nights, etc.). Since she got a new mattress and we made light of the issue, she has not wet the bed but the issue still concerns me as I wonder if there is an underlying issue here…
2) SD acts VERY young for her age. She is an absolute sweetheart…easy going, does what is asked of her, you really can’t ask for much more from a 13 year old girl. But, it concerns me that she acts so young for her age. She baby-talks which drives me NUTS. She will repeat things you say and “fake” giggle, and just acts very dopey and air-heady. She will make silly noises or animal noises randomly for attention. I have not addressed this issue but I want to, as she is nearing 8th grade and the baby talk has to go if I’m going to keep my sanity. The odd thing is that I don’t think anyone else really even notices or they are just so used to it and love that she is so “sweet” and “innocent” which she is. It’s not like I want her to grow up too fast – trust me, most 13 year old girls would make me run the other direction. But, I do want her to be somewhere near the level of her peers socially. As far as I know she doesn’t really have any friends, except BM’s “secret” boyfriend’s daughter who is similar in age but goes to a different school. I have asked her about friends at school and told her she could invite a friend over to come hang out or go swimming, but she just shrugs me off and doesn’t have much to say. SO has expressed concern over her lack of friends which is evident when he has gone to school events and such.
3) SD pretty much follows SS (9) around and he runs the show. This has gotten a little better, but she basically does what he wants to do whether that be play with toy trucks or Pokemon cards, etc. I know she doesn’t have a genuine interest in these things, but she lacks interests of her own and I think struggles with finding an identity of her own.
4) Odd behavior – This one sent me over the edge mentally….One day SD and SS walked into the backyard to go swimming, and I hear SD say that she has to pee. Next thing I know she is standing slightly crouched on the astroturf in the backyard, not hiding herself at all, and PEES while wearing her bathing suit. I was mortified. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I immediately open the back door and ask her if she just peed, and she said no trying to sound cute. I told her that I saw her go pee and to never do that again, to use the bathroom. I later asked her again and she admitted to doing it, and I told her that that can’t happen again and that she needs to always use the bathroom. She said OK and it hasn’t happened since, but this sort of behavior makes me wonder. I told SO about it and he looked at me in shock, shaking his head in disbelief. He didn’t address it with her, just sort of shrugged it off as “strange kid behavior”. I was disgusted and honestly angry about it.
Has anyone else had any of these issues? I am still “new” and trying to form a relationship with SC which is going great so far. They love me and I really do love them. But as time goes on I’d like to be able to address some of these issues as it seems no one else is….
First make sure there is no
First make sure there is no medical reason for the bed wetting/poor control. You need the proof from her dr that kid's not got a medical thing. Once you're clear on that, yes, the child is weird and odd and it need tom stop. P*ssing in her swim suit on the ground then jumping in pool (or had going to have been). *eeeeewwwww*
You sound like such a caring/loving person. And it sounds like you have very genuine reasons for concern and really want to help the young teen and her father. But if you push too hard too quick, unfortunately you'll rapidly become the Evil SM.
I would think enrolling the kid in some activities and (after the dr pee check) suggesting counseling (p*ssing like a baby outside isn't normal for a kid a fraction of her age).
The main snag SMs always hit though, is they can't care more than the actual parents.
Welcome to Steptalk. Yeah, you find out real soon here you are not alone. Not in your frustrations nor the issues you're dealing with.
I agree, EWW! I have
I agree, EWW! I have suggested that they seek medical help, but as of late the situation seems to be improving. However, if it continues I will gently push the doctor issue as I agree, it could be medical. Counseling is also necessary, IMO. But I think you hit the nail on the head here...I can't care more than the actual parents. My gut is that BM doesn't care, and BD is in denial/hoping some of these issues resolve over time on their own. I don't have that kind of patience, but I suppose I should learn to.
Thanks so much for your reply...glad I'm not alone!
My SD had a similarly fixated
My SD had a similarly fixated relationship with her younger brother and no friends of her own although she is not at all sweet or passive. But there are a good amount of similarities. So I can really relate to your situation.
The first most important thing you have to do is tell your boyfriend your relationship will never work if he does not trust you have the skids best interests at heart and that if you report something to him he must trust you that it is an accurate and adult observation. If he cannot give you this trust, why would he be with you at all?
If he doesn't agree to that, pack your bags, save yourself.
If he agrees to that, proceed to tell him that you love his kids and love him and want to be a partner in raising them since they are in your home. If you tell him you have a concern, he needs to not go into denial. He needs to address it and you are happy to support him as he addresses it.
If he can't give you that, completely disengage or pack your bags.
If you can get this partnership and trust commitment from him, only then can you move on to helping that girl. Start by separating those kids. Play dates with other 9 year old boys should be planned and parties planned for ss. SD is not allowed to join/attend these.
Sign her up for some neighborhood arts and crafts or whatever class where she can meet other girls who have never met her before. Keep these classes short so she doesn't have any potty problems. Hopefully from there you can start helping her do age appropriate play-dates with these other young teens she meets. Again, keep these short so the other girls don't have a chance to dislike her (which won't take much time at all). But beforehand make sure she practices some social skills with you like give and take conversations with no darn animal noises (yes, we had them, too). Teach her some jokes and the way to start new topics of conversations and to ask about the other person and her interests. She undoubtedly reverts to these weirdo behaviors because she has no idea how to get from one moment to the next. Teach her. 13 is your last chance to get started on this program. At 14 she will defy your efforts if you only start them then and at 15 she will get wilier with her defiance and at 16 she will be cooked. BTDT.
I hope you can pull this off but you must must must have full support and trust of your boyfriend. Most here will tell you I am wasting my breath and you should just run or disengage and they are not necessarily wrong. But since your SD is not the aggressive, cruel wretch that mine is perhaps you do have a chance. Only if that guy backs you up and does his part, though. Never ever let him get away with "Huh? Ew! Ergh"....deer in the headlights...crickets.... again.
Thanks so much for your
Thanks so much for your reply! You're absolutely right, without the trust and support of my boyfriend I really won't be able to do much about anything and might as well just be on my way. Fortunately, although in my opinion he may be slightly naive to some things, he does trust that I have his kids' best interests in mind always. I think I just need t move slowly and proceed with caution...I can't expect to walk into a family situation and start pointing out all of the issues and expect them to get fixed overnight. But I will, for SD's sake and for my own sanity, speak up when I feel it's necessary. But you're right...the deer in the headlights look isn't going to fly with me ever again.
Regarding activities for SD, great idea. I am looking for things, but struggle with finding things that are within the time frames that we have her. Unfortunately, I BM is not likely willing to drive her to things or be supportive (can you say, selfish?) but I will try to get her going in something as I think it'll help tremendously.
I agree, and no she hasn't. I
I agree, and no she hasn't. I have thrown that idea out, but so far it's not sticking. I don't think BM is too fond of the idea. Hopefully we can get her on board.
Has she started her period?
Has she started her period? She sounds mentally delayed. Does so allow ss to pee outside?
Does she have school issues besides not many friends?
Maybe she is just going to be one of those awkward girls. As long as she isnt having bed wetting problems still and generally listens and is nice she will eventually find a friend.
She hasn't. I actually
She hasn't. I actually thought she had one time when I found some trash in the bathroom, but long story short we confirmed that it wasn't her, it was from someone else who had been at our house. Anyway, when BM or my SO tried talking to her about periods, she completely shut down. I guess that's not too strange, because I was sort of the same way as a teenager when it came to that stuff. But when it does happen for her, I am curious to see how that goes.
Funny you ask about school issues. I recently looked at some of her school work, and was pretty shocked at her writing level. She is a great reader though. I don't know yet how her grades were this year, but I can only imagine she struggled. It's becoming more and more apparent that she could be mentally delayed...but part of me also thinks she is just one of those awkward girls. We shall see...
I agree with all the comments
I agree with all the comments suggesting your SD needs to be professionally assessed, however I would question how much influence and impact you and your SO can have when you have the kids so little? BM is clearly the primary carer and as such is going to be the one that has the most influence on the situation so I would target your energy in getting her on-board with your concerns and then put a plan of action in place.
You're absolutely right. SO
You're absolutely right. SO and I feel pretty powerless here with how little we have the skids...we plan to try to get more time in the near future and I think that BM would be fine with that as she seems flexible that way, thankfully. But you're right, she needs to be on board before anything can change. That's probably my biggest struggle...I think BM is careless. How do I walk into a family situation and start suggesting things such as therapy when BM sees no issue? I can't. Maybe BM will start to understand once SD hits high school, but who knows. And maybe by then it'll be too late.
This SM stuff is complicated. Kudos to you all...my issues seem minor compared to some on here!