I Need Some Help Please
I am new here and need a place where I can come, people that I can talk to, that understand and can relate to my life. I don't have any friends that have gone through a divorce, separation, blended family, etc. etc. I feel like I am losing my mind here.
I have 3 children of my own, ages 11-15yrs. and my partner has 2 children, ages 10-13yrs. We are have been living together for 8 months, we are both separated, and have the same week on/week off parenting schedule that we share with the other respective parents, with the exception of my oldest who lives with us full time.
Things started out really well, everyone seemed to get along, and it was good. Since the new year though, it's been on a steady decline to a point where no one seems happy anymore. My partner and I are arguing all the time, mainly with regards to his children, his kids are going to their other parents house and badmouthing me and my kids, to which she is all too happy to share with my partner, and all of the kids are tired of the arguing.
I don't know what to do. I am at a loss.
I have spent the last 8 months stressing over keeping things equal and "fair", so that no one could complain that others weren't pulling their weight around the house. The kids are all around the same age range and all go to school together. But my partner and I do not share the same parenting styles - his kids are needy and sucky and he does everything for them (the mom is all syrupy - I am not), whereas my kids are independent, a little loud and obnoxious at times, and they're not afraid to spout their opinions about things. My rules are firm and consistent, my partners are not firm and situational.
We spend a lot of time arguing over there being 2 sets of rules and we are not on the same page about anything it seems!
I know that this is hard. I expected it to be hard. But I also expected my partner and I to be on the same page, a united front, and partners through all of this. Our goal was to be a support for one another, but I can't do that when I'm the scapegoat for him, his kids, and his ex-wife and they're all tossing me under the bus when it suits them. We are both professional people (not that that matters) and we both are more than capable of resolving conflict when it comes to our own individual families and in our work, but we are incapable when it comes to the two of us.
We started seeing a family/marriage counsellor when we moved in together, with the hopes of being proactive and not resorting back to the default modes that we kept in our previous relationships. This has helped somewhat, but the counsellor is not a parenting expert, with no children of their own and no experience with blended families.
I am frustrated and disappointed and sad. I love these people in my life, but it feels like nothing is good enough and no one is happy. Please help.
IMHO the issue is that you
IMHO the issue is that you and SO have overcomplicated the situation. It is not and should not be about equal and fair (As Echo said.)
Simplify it.
Set the standards of behavior for your home.... together. And enforce those standards.
Do not let the BM's toxic crap into your home and when your Skids spout their BMs crap or BM calls your SO end any conversation before it starts.
Stick to your guns.
If your SO is incapable of being your equity life partner and the two of you are incapable of being equity parents to all of the spawn in your home.... find a partner who can be those things with you.
Good luck.
You are probably right. We
You are probably right. We have overcomplicated it. I know that. Probably more so me, than him.
His kids don't feel that I carry any weight around the house and don't have to listen to me. When they're called on it, they go home to their mother and tell her how "mean" I am to them. She, in turn, messages their father and expresses her "concerns" about the living conditions in our house and how I treat her kids.
He does not engage with her and has just recently told her that she should be focusing her energy on the kids and not on him.
My kids know the expectations that I have for them, they listen to both my partner and I, although he leaves most things up to me. But they are expected to be respectful and they know that.
Time for you and DH to sit
Time for you and DH to sit down and write the rules. Get those rules posted. DH will find weaseling out of holding his kids accountable to be far more difficult if the rules are posted in poster size at the front door.
Agree with posting rules. Not
Agree with posting rules. Not so sure about on the front door Rags
may draw a crowd of slowly moving cars.
Pick 5 to 6 NON negotiable things.
NO swearing,
NO jumping on furniture
Clear your plates and load in dishwasher every single time.
1x a week clean your rooms
list life skills/social acceptable rules.
Remember life is full of rules, they have rules at school too. BM would tell my dh YOU have too many rules.
we kept ours inline with school rules......
BM well you had NO rules. IT surely shows now bm....GREAT JOB MOM. (great sarcasm)
Agree with all the comments
Agree with all the comments and would also suggest counselling. My DH and I have very different parenting styles and it's been an enormous challenge to compromise but counselling really helped.
Blended families have a much higher failure rate than first families and all of us on this site understand why. However, studies show that blended families who go to counselling to work through all the challenging stuff are much more likely to stay together.
Fine..... post them at the
Fine..... post them at the INSIDE of the front door.
What I mean by "fair and
What I mean by "fair and equal" is that everyone is treated the same...no one is favored, no one gets spoken to any differently than anyone else.
I don't mean "fair" in the sense that life is fair, it's not, we all know that, the kids know that.
But everyone here has chores to do and the respect and expectations are the same across the board. No one child is getting away with anything that someone else isn't.
How long have you been
How long have you been separated? How long has your SO been separated? What was the timing of the separations in relation to you two moving in? Your past relationships are not completely over from a legal standpoint. If your relationship was the result of an affair... ALWAYS expect difficulties from each other's offspring. The children may have a lot of resentment in regards to this.
I have been separated for 2.5
I have been separated for 2.5 years and the divorce papers are signed. His has been a longer process than mine, but is almost finalized. The relationship is not a result of an affair.
I agree with Rags. Time for
I agree with Rags. Time for you and your SO to have a serious discussion about expectations and rules for the household. Different parenting styles CAN WORK, but the it must be consistent and the partners need to back up one another. CONSISTENTLY.
It may be that you two will need to live separately.
hold on, you are only
hold on, you are only separated and not divorced.....
5 kids around pre teens and teens living with a new man who's not divorced either, a new man who can't wait to tell you what his wife thinks of you??
Sorry girl... best solution for this would be to get your own place for you and your children only, you can still see this man, but move out, if it's your place, give him notice,
Oh no, he does not support
Oh no, he does not support his ex-wife and her opinions.
My divorce papers are signed. His are in the process.
In 2.5 years all of these
In 2.5 years all of these children have had to change their living situation at least 2 times-- if not 3. Maybe you need to try and back off a bit. You parent yours, he parents his. There is no fair. If both of you are not equally agreeing on a parenting plan, parenting your own is best. Otherwise, you're fighting a losing battle every single time.
In our house, the expectation
In our house, the expectation is that everyone is respectful and it doesn't matter who asks you to do something, you do as you're asked. So if that means taking the garbage out two days in a row, then that's what you're doing.
We have a chore chart. With 5 kids in the house, we have to keep everything straight as far as who is doing what to contribute.
That's all fine.
It's the in between stuff...like who gets to drink the last can of coke, or he does his kids laundry for them, I make mine do their own. If I ask one kid to do something and my partner doesn't know about it, his kids play dumb and look at me as if I've just stepped off the mother ship.
My partner and his son watch sports on two TV's, but he feels as though I let me kids watch whatever they want on the "main" TV and make his son go downstairs to watch sports.
My kids feel as though they get no privacy or personal space because someone is always "staring" at them...lol
Each child has their own room, their own belongings, and their own space. The girls share one bathroom downstairs, the boys share the main floor bathroom/shower, and I use the ensuite. We have a nice yard and live in a great family-friendly neighborhood. The kids all have their own devices and electronics, except for TV's which are shared for the most part.
My oldest says that I'm moody and stomp/huff around a lot. I will admit, I've had a hard time adjusting to extra children in the house that are not mine. They are all great kids and we have fun together.
Maybe I'm over complicating things and trying too hard, or not trying hard enough, or maybe I just am moody and unsure of where I fit into all of this.
My partner sometimes will share things with me about my kids, which I'm okay with, for the most part. My kids can be lazy and entitled, and sometimes they're jerks. I'm not oblivious to this. But if I try to have a conversation with him about his kids, he gets defensive and the conversation is over or turns into a fight before it even gets started. This is an ongoing problem.
His ex-wife is messaging him for one reason or another every single day. She manipulates it so that it's somehow related to the kids, but is unnecessary. She is very controlling of him and her kids and he tries his best to not engage with her, but still feels as though he needs to manage the wrath. I don't know if he's doing anyone a favor or a disservice.
I have almost zero communication with my ex, only on a need-be basis, which is not very often. I like it this way. I don't agree with his parenting decisions, but that's his house, not mine.
My partner and I do pretty well at keeping any open negativity quiet about the other parents. We try to maintain a respectful stance on them, but we don't have to be best friends with them either. We keep our frustrations between the two of us and away from the kids as much as possible.
Maybe I need to chill out, I don't know. If that's all it is, how do I do that?
I am in a similar situation -
I am in a similar situation - his three and my two live with us half-time, ranging from 10-16, and he and I have very different parenting styles. We've been living together for almost 2 years, and I still struggle with it, but I remember that at about 8 months it was pretty awful.
I have disengaged to a large degree (thanks to this site!), and it has made it easier on me. I no longer care if his children do no work, and don't help, and don't leave their rooms, and don't bathe - they are not my children. My job is to raise my children to be functioning, healthy adults. It is sad because I wish I had the energy to put into trying to create functioning adults out of his kids as well, but I don't, and when I was trying to I was angry and frustrated and unhappy all the time. I re-focused on myself and my own kids.
I make my kids do chores, and I cook for my own kids when his aren't around. I tried making family dinners when everyone was here, but his kids only eat pizza and mac and cheese, and corn dogs. That's all. So I would make a meal and they would look disgusted and throw it away. So I stopped.
Chilling out is what you need to do! It's good for you - you will be so much happier. My kids complain that it's "not fair" that they have chores and his don't, but I tell them that I am raising them to be adults, and I want what's best for them, and life is not fair.
I also can't talk to my BF about his kids - he gets so defensive and it's an instant fight. The more that I let it go, the happier I am. His kids smell, their rooms smell, his 15 year old hasn't ever washed her clothes in the 2 years we have been living here. Not my problem. I close her door. I help the 10 year old and teach her things and how to take care of herself and how to pick things up, but she is younger and easier to deal with.
And yes, my BF says my kids are rude and opinionated. Which they are. I talk to them about being polite, and remind and punish, but in the end, they are in honors classes and the older one has a job, and they are clean and motivated and have activities and friends - and they can be rude. His are smelly, unclean, have no friends and no activities and sit in their rooms playing video games for sometimes 72 hours at a stretch and are failing in school. But they are "polite" meaning they almost never speak, and avoid adults at all times, and lie whenever confronted with a mess. I choose "rude" and independent over failing to grow up but "polite".
So if you want it to work out with your partner, I think disengaging (to some degree - I am disengaged to different degrees from each kid) is a good plan. Otherwise you will just lose. Sorry.
How long were you dating
How long were you dating before you moved in together? How long did you wait before you met his kids and before you introduced the kids all together?
I've been with my DH 8 years, I lived on my own for 2 years. We did not meet each other's kids or introduce the kids until a solid year had gone by. We lived together 4+ years in his house before getting married and buying our own house together. And we still have problems with the kids.
You mentioned that you want it totally fair in regards to how the parents talk to each child. It won't be fair, his kids aren't your kids and vice versa, he likes his kids more than yours. You like your kids more than his. That's just the way it is.
They should all do basic chores, keep their rooms clean, clean up after themselves, etc.
As far as BM, he needs to nip that in the bud immediately. When my SDs would run back and tell their mom something me or my kids supposedly did to them, I waited until all the kids got back together, then I would sit them all on the couch and DH and I would tell them, "BM said this is what you said, care to explain?" Being put on the spot in front of the other kids and being caught in a lie, was so embarrassing, it has all but stopped.
Sitting the kids down and
Sitting the kids down and calling them on it is a good call. We had a chat with the kids already this week about what was said to their mother and the line was "she misunderstands what's been said sometimes."
My kids don't run to the other house and tell their father everything that goes on here. They don't badmouth my partner to anyone and keep their complaints about the kids to just us (me). I know they're different kids and the parenting is different too, but I have a hard time with knowing that my kids are more well-rounded I guess you could say.
Seven people living together
Seven people living together in any domestic situation is bound to be a circus. Add teenage hormones on top of that and you have something approaching a locker room just before the big game.
That's the problem. Just too much activity to get any peace. You are never going to find a perfect solution, or even set rules that everyone follows, unless you want to be the cop on duty 24/7. Why take on such grief?
Maybe the best solution is in fact to just live separately and date the guy. Doesn't sound like he's going to stop playing housemaid to the kids any time soon. And if his divorce isn't yet final, she is still his wife and sounds like she feels entitled to dictate what happens in your home. It takes a while to get one's head around the fact one's nuclear family has ended.
It all just sounds like too much happening at once, and your kids deserve a less stressful environment.
Wow, you sound really
Wow, you sound really super-stressed out, strung out and disenchanted. You need a spa day, sister.
Even with everyone having their own room, its still sounding pretty chaotic. And I get stressed with 1 big man and 2 girls!!! Only 4, and it still gets really busy and convoluted at my home. SO is always telling me to "chill out", and "let it go" and "don't worry about it, they aren't pregnant and they aren't shooting up in a back alley".
So, firstly I must say this, to get it out of the way:
Separated but not divorced, and almost divorced, and divorced are REALLY different things. "different things" may not be the right words, rather "different PARTS of the process". You must remember that these people are broken, their entire world has been broken and shattered. They need some time to adjust. You have your children, your own unit, and it is probably an "us vs them" type of sitch, and that can breed the type of animosity that you describe above. How can you NOT let them feel like they are the enemy, so that they don't run back to BM and elicit her sympathies? This simply will take time, time to build trust.
I started living with SO, while he was still going through his divorce process. He has teenager and 9 yo at the time. Teens are always hard time, forget about the parental discord issues. Divorce is ALWAYS ugly. The parents use the children as weapons, loyalties are divided, and then you introduce an entire new family into the mix, it just adds to the funky alchemy of it all. SO's children would get upset with me, run to momma and SO would get an earful about how he is "choosing his girlfriend over his own CHILDREN, his FLESH and BLOOD!!!!" Cry cry cry.
That was in the beginning and happened all.the.time. Cut to now, and because she did not receive adequate if any parenting, Winona SD18 (was 15) has verbally and emotionally abused me, her younger sister and treats her parents like dirt, accused her father (SO) of abusing her when yelling at her to clean her room, and accused Tweedle of looking at her when she was sleeping on the living room couch. She was busted for shoplifting this past January, and barely graduated high school. She has no job, no drivers license, no boyfriend or any friends. Her dog died, so no pet now too.
A good before and after picture - the Child of Divorce who now uses guilt to get out of actually being a functional and contributing human being.
So I would recommend that you give them some space to get through this part of the divorce process. Get your own place if you can afford it, and then, when the process is completed, and the healing is well under way, then get back under the same roof.
Secondly, your SO is not doing his children any favors by enabling them to be disabled. His parenting style is to basically not parent. There aren't any expectations, and no repercussions if things are not done.
As to the sharing of things...sounds like they are being nit picky and very petty. Again, see above - consider getting your own space, and share it when they are done getting through what they need to get through. Seriously, if my kids were following rules and being respectful, and my SOs were doing what they do, this would not even be a question in my mind. Having different parenting styles, this is a big deal. It will drive you insane.
Take a spa day, and think about things.