Please share your experience about custody
BM left DH 4 years ago and took the kids to go be with her b/f. We married 6 mths ago and she has been spitting ever since he met me.
Last week BM told my DH that she is moving away and selling her house. They have 50 50 shared care at the moment. She says he can see them every second weekend when she moves.
She does this stuff to hurt him and every time it gets worse and worse. I hate to see this - it breaks my heart. He is in so much pain. At the moment he is desperately trying to be the world's best Dad (which I think he already is) so the kids will want to stay or something. It's one of the saddest things I have ever seen in my rather long life.
BM has talked kids into it already and they are spouting what she told them - few issues to be ironed out, more laid back lifestyle etc. She took them to see their new school. They don't want to talk about it with him and they have tummy aches and can't sleep (12 and 10).
Is it worth fighting? Will it pull them apart? Should he go to court? Will she just go and do something worse?
He can't stand the thought of only seeing them for 2 nights every 2 weeks with their little suitcases. He would rather not be here I think.
O - and for the priviledge, he has to pay way more child support to her because even thought she is living in luxury from a super rich family, she doesn't need to work so she has no income.
I am sick. I can't eat. I am losing my job at the moment. We really don't know what to do. Please share honestly what happened to you if you have been through this.
I feel for you, especially
I feel for you, especially the kids. BM might be insecure that she no longer has control over your husband, since you are on the scene. I had similar nonsense to deal with. BM here would cut off her own nose to spite her face!! It's always the kids who suffer though and that's really horrible, it's worse to watch them suffering and not be able to do a damned thing about it. Best thing is to talk to the kids in a non biased way and reassure them that they are loved, no matter what!! I believe that kids can choose a parent at a certain age, I know ours chose to be with us at age 11 and 16 our elder boy, BM saw that they were no longer a useful to her, she married a man with plenty of money and was pursuing 'hobbies'. The kids pretty soon pick up on stuff, the more genuinely loving you and DH are with them the better they will cope. Let the kids know that you are always there for them, I am step Mom to three, 16 year old twins and a 23 year old. They know where the love is and they know where the money is, kids are not dummies!! We provide them with all the things they need and a lot of the things they want. This is one of the hardest times with all the threats going on, my bet is wait and see how much hot air it really is and suggest that the kids do likewise. As I say, kids are not dummies!! If you cannot rise above it all then stay on an even keel and do not sink to her level!!
I wish you well
Who does she think she is
Who does she think she is telling him when he can see them, my advice is to wait until she does move and document everything, and take her ass back to court. I have gone through this with my first marriage, My now ex had full custody of his children, and we were moving out of state with kids, she took us to court for custody and to stop us from moving, however, we were allowed to move and keep custody, but she got a crap load of visitation, I mean every holiday every year, and all of summer. I was ok with that cause it gave me a break. My point is.... She can't make the decision when visitation will be and will be held in contempt. What does the decree say?
Their separation agreement
Their separation agreement says 50/50 custody - week on week off and it has been like that these past 3-4 years. Now suddenly she is saying it is too tiring for them.
Well, my first thought is
Well, my first thought is that if she wants to change the agreement from 50/50 she's going to HAVE to take him to court. I'm assuming that she's the custodial parent?
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
We don't live in the USA and
We don't live in the USA and I don't want to say where we live because she might see this. They have shared care and are both custodial parents.
Oh well in that case, he
Oh well in that case, he could take her to court if she's withholding visitation. If they're both the custodial parent, it's well within his right and he'd probably win.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I have not experienced this
I have not experienced this - but i would have to believe if there is a court ordered in place. She can not just up and move away like that - legally. I would think he would be able to take her to court as her moving would require a substancial change in circumstances.
My brother and his estranged wife went through this. She wanted to move away to be with a boyfriend - only about 2 hours from where they live now. He went to court to fight it - and he won. On the grounds of school, and visitation.
I wish you guys the best of luck with this. AND hopefully it will work out where he is able to still be with his children as much as possible.
********She doesn't have to love me or even like me - it doesn't change a dang thing..... So get over it and move on BM!************
Definitely check the Custody
Definitely check the Custody Order, BM may not be able to move away without the proper approvals. (My DH's CO states that CP cannot move out of county without written approval from DH and the court.) BM does not get to decide how visitation is set, a judge determines that. If BM moves away, then DH can try to get kids all summer and holiday breaks in addition to EOWE visits. And child support doesn't automatically go up if BM is not working. DH can seek a decrease in CS since BM is cohabiting with another man. It is worth fighting this. Get a lawyer now. The sooner the better.
After reading your story I
After reading your story I just want to say I am so sorry you and your dh have to go thru this. I personally would go to court the sooner the better. My husbands ex also tried to restrict the time he could have with his children. We went to court and I am not saying that is easy either. As BM would get the children involved and try to cause problems that way. I don;t understand mothers not wanting a good and decent man to see his children. We did win in court and our lawyer had specifically spelled out all visitation. ie every other weekend, Tuesdays from 3:00 till 7:30. The second Friday in June till... this way the actual days were spelled out which over all made things much better for us.
Thanks everyone. It's so
Thanks everyone. It's so good to have support through this sort of thing. I need to vent again today.
She never moved in with her b/f. From what DH told me, she was probably having an affair and left so she was free to have her fling without the guilt. Except (I am no psychologist so this is probably rubbish) I think the guilt never left her and she spends her time trying to be a victim and madonna so she doesn't have to face up to what she did to DH. DH used to drive past her house to work soon after they were separated and bfs car would be outside her house in the morning.
She was never honest about her relationship with bf to the skids either who still think BM and BF are just friends even though they all go on holidays together with his sons. I wonder if they broke up and that is why she wants to move away.
I think she is seriously disturbed. She doesn't seem to be in touch with reality. She has somehow twisted this in her head so she never left him and it is all his fault because he met me and got on with his life happily. She says they were still working on their relationship. Helloooooo???
After they separated, she is the sort of person who would sense DH was moving on with his life, promise to get back together with him then break his heart all over again. Once she said she would move home and that he should take the kids away while she moved her stuff back. She rang when they were coming home (30 mins before they arrived) to say she was waiting for them. They were happy and excited but when they got there, she wasn't there. SICK. DH had to try to explain to his kids where Mum was. Even sicker - she didn't have a clue how much pain she caused. She just said she wasn't ready.....or something... and couldn't understand why he snapped and started moving on with his life.
I think she did that stuff to keep him in line. When he stopped worshipping at her alter, all hell broke loose.
She is convinced skids are miserable here. She makes things up about how it is at our house. We are a seriously happy home with lots of love and everything a child could need.
When she found out we were getting married she said in a lawyers letter that the oldest skid rolled around on the floor and threw up because he was so upset. That really worried me. He was so happy for us in front of us. Maybe she did that or maybe he got that upset because of her reaction. I dunno. It's bizarre.
She has been in a custody battle in her head ever since he met me.
Thank you for your replies. Has anyone experienced a seriously sick BM who just keeps getting worse or (as your replies say) court fixes the situation. I am quite worried she will run off with them. I think DH also senses that we are dealing with a woman who is so unpredictable and disturbed that she may think she is above the law.
I have 3 children and have always wanted their father to be as much a part of their lives as I am. I just don't understand this. She is nuts and doesn't care if she hurts her children to get DH back where he belongs - at her feet.
Fight the move. They are
Fight the move. They are his kids and 50/50 means that they don't move unless he says they can move. So, force the BM to keep the kids where they are and maintain the relationships with the kids.
My Wife has primary legal and physical custody which she has had since she became a single teen mom. BioDad gets visitation. He did sue for custody when SS was 15mos old and got his ass kicked in court. By then my Wife had already moved out of state for college with her son. We met a few weeks before BioDad sued for custody.
We have never lived closer than 1200 miles to the SpermClan and never will (at least until our Son (my SS) turns 18). Though we would never give BioDad that kind of access to our Son, if I was your DH I would not tolerate my X taking my kids away from me. I know, a double standard but .......... your DH sounds like a good, caring involved Dad while my SS's SpermDad is a worthless dipshit.
Keep the kids close.
Best regards,
Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)