I'm completely torn and in need of advice. Boyfriend has a 9 year old
My name is Beth and really in desperate need of advice. I'm 24 years old and I met my boyfriend 3 years ago on holiday with friends in Spain (I'm a London girl who had a good career, no children with a selfish mindset. Life was about me... until I met him). He was 29 years old and lived in Southern France ... and had a 6 year old daughter. We fell in love head over heels. There was absolutely nothing that could have got in our way. We did long distance for 2 years - him flying to London, me flying to France every other weekend while running an exhausting job in London.. until we decided we couldn't live apart anymore.
Max (my boyfriend) moving to London simply wasn't an option. He had his daughter and has a duty to her to look after her. There were no complications with her mother (she's very nice and they have an adult relationship when it comes to his daughter. They broke up when she was only 2 years old). So, the decision and fate of our relationship came down to me to move.
I applied for jobs in marketing, took French lessons while I was England preparing for my move, and landed a job in marketing in his city. It was a lot less money, but I didn't care at that point because it meant that we could finally be together.
It's now been a year and a half that I have lived here (3 years in a relationship), happy in my job, speaking good french and it's the most beautiful place where I am so lucky to live. White sandy beaches everywhere, 300 days of sun a year, vineyards, historical beauty.. but I constantly feel like something is missing. I miss my girlfriends in London (I do have friends here, but they aren't the same as my friends in the UK - it's not the same bond), I miss my mum, my family, the cosmopolitan life in London, a strong career with good money.. and most of all, I feel constant resentment towards my boyfriend's daughter.
She is lovely and she has done nothing wrong to me.. I've now known her for over 2 years after being introduced to her after 6 months. We get on really well as friends but I constantly feel that I hold up a barrier - that I don't want to get too close. I would never pick her up from school or look after her while my boyfriend goes out with his friends because why would I? I'm not her mother.. I'm her friend and that's the way I feel it should be.. I'll happily sit with her in the evenings and joke about our day, or play football with her in the garden and talk about her "boyfriend" at school (she's now 9 years old) but that that's where i stop myself - that's as far as we will go. If I make dinner after a long day at work and she hates the food, I feel resentment. If I'm doing the washing for her when I'm not her mother, I feel resentment. If she doesn't clean up after herself and I end up doing it, I feel resentment. If my boyfriend and I can't go away for the weekend because she wants to go to the theme park or has a football match.. I feel resentment.
Friends of mine tell me that they come as a package and that if I want to be with him, I need to step up to be a step-mother. The fact is, I'm not ready for that and I don't want that. I can be her friend but I feel so young to step up to that position. I have even discussed this with my boyfriend because he sees that I hold up a barrier, and he told me that it would be nice if I got closer to her, picked her up from school sometimes and looked after her some evenings if he wanted to go out with friends.. but why? She has a mother. I can't understand.
I have a job offer (which was totally unplanned) in London for triple the money I earn now in digital marketing - its a career I am passionate about and I know it would good for me, and I'm completely torn as to whether I should take the leap and move back to London or not.. but with that decision, I know that our relationship would be over. I love my boyfriend SO much and I can't explain how difficult this is and none of my friends/ no one in my life can even slightly relate to my situation. My boyfriend is the perfect man and seeing him with his daughter makes me respect him so much. I was never close with my father and he's the perfect dad. But I will always feel like the odd one out and I don't know if I'm just setting myself up for a lifetime of pain. I'm also only 24, so am I wasting my life away too soon?
I guess I'm writing in the hope that someone can help.What has been your experiences? Would your advice be to walk away? Sometimes I wonder and think that walking away would be the most heartbreaking thing to do, but that in the long term , maybe it would pay off.
In my opinion you should take
In my opinion you should take the job and move. The fact that you are holding back from your SO DD doesn't make you a bad person. It actually makes you smarter than many of us when we started on the path to step hell. You already have resentment toward the girl and that will not change no matter how long you are in the relationship. She is 9 now...you have at least 9 more years of this (and more if she goes to University). Your resentment will only get worse if you pass up the opportunity to have your dream job and go back to your life in London. You miss your old life and that is understandable. It seems that despite loving your SO, you are both in just different stages of life. Don't give up your youth and freedom to watch your SD while your SO goes out with his friends.
Just take the job and try the long distance thing for a while...You don't deserve to give up your dreams for a child that isn't yours.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice. You have no idea how much I value it. There is literally no one I know that can relate to how I feel because none of my friends have boyfriends with a child.
The problem I have is that I adore where we live. Montpellier is absolutely beautiful and I thank my lucky stars every day that I walk on the white sand on these gorgeous beaches, with 300 days of sun a year. Yes London is amazing, but the London commute to work every day also wasn't my favourite thing to do, nor was the pollution and busy traffic everywhere.. as well as the grey weather. I ask myself if I should try and be more understanding about his daughter. He's an amazing man. Does he deserve for me to leave him just because he has a daughter? My boyfriend also lost his dad to cancer when he was very young and I feel so guilty leaving him. We are a team and a unit together.. but I'm so scared to live my life looking back and thinking I should have enjoyed being young. But it's SO hard when you are in love. I'm so scared to be on that plane back to London and ask myself "what the hell have I done"?? " .. it gives me anxiety.
Other days I tell myself... I got on the plane and left my friends and family to come to France, changed jobs, accepted a lower salary.. I'm the one who made all of these sacrifices. I told my boyfriend that I need to know that this is going to be worth it, with marriage maybe one day.. and he told me that he loves me and sees me as his future, but that he doesn't believe in marriage for now (not until he sees that I get more involved with his daughter. He said that marriage comes after I commit to his daughter, not before).
I am so broken and torn
You cannot sacrifice your
You cannot sacrifice your future for a man who won't commit "until you do what he wants". That is not fair. I understand he wants someone who will bond with his daughter but clearly you are not ready to do that. Your instincts have told you to keep her at a distance and I always believe you should follow your gut.
This little 9 yr old may be sweet and cute and fun to interact with now...but in a few short years she is going to be a hormonal, boy crazy, boundary pushing young woman.
You shouldn't give up your dream for someone who can't promise you anything. You already sacrificed enough. It is time for you to do you. Go get your great job in London and make all that money so you can get a place in Montpellier on your own. You don't need a man to live somewhere beautiful.
And Don't give up having all your Firsts with someone who wants to do the same for you.
I promise you WILL regret not taking this chance to get out and do your own thing. That resentment will eat at you every day little by little until it destroys the great relationship you had.
I have been there. I moved away from my family and friends for my DH. I was isolated from everyone I loved and pushed into a role of SM for his bratty sons. The BM tried to take advantage of my being here by trying to force me to be the nanny and my DH was not helping the situation. It took YEARS to get my boundaries and along with that came some serious arguments. I still resent my DH for some of the things he did even though he has changed.
Save yourself the headache and heartache.....Have a life you always dreamed of.
Thank you again for your
Thank you again for your kindness. You don't know me but you are taking time out of your day to help, I really do appreciate it.
I think I know what I should do.. but doing it is the hardest part. I truly feel that he is the love of my life. He has supported me through so much... through the hard times at university when the girls I lived with were really mean, he helped me get set up here in France, he does sweet things for me that are spontaneous.. he's re-arranged having his daughter next weekend to take me for a surprise weekend.. I'm so lucky.
I originally told him about this job offer a month ago (and I turned it down because I love him too much and I decided that I want to make a real go of it), but we started arguing over the last few weeks quite badly over silly things.. he thinks I should help more around the house like cleaning, doing the washing, cooking dinner more because he feels like he does it a lot and is tired when he gets back from work with his daughter and has to cook .. and he feels resentful when I've had the time to go to the gym after work and do things I like to do.. but then at the same time, my answer is that I DON'T HAVE A DAUGHTER, so why should I feel guilty about going to the gym after work?! I love it, and I'm free without kids, so why should I? I think he sees me as a little selfish recently and would appreciate help with his daughter every now and then.. and I get it, he's a good guy. Then this week I received an email from the company saying that they have interviewed 6 candidates since me and that I'm still their top pick, so I have to decide NOW. I just don't want to regret leaving an amazing man who I love just for career.. just because I couldn't accept his daughter.
Do you really regret your decisions? Has your husband's children been an absolute pain that is impossible to deal with? Or have they been pleasant like my boyfriend's daughter?
Thank you so much
Mine have been pleasant and I
Mine have been pleasant and I 100% regret my decision to marry a man with children. Especially as a childless woman...you are giving up so much that you probably don't even fully understand yet. And your boyfriend/husband won't understand it at all, pressure you into giving up more and doing more for HIS child(ren), and will say that you're selfish or that you hate his kids when you don't want to do so.
I have finally gotten to the point where my husband sort of understands my position and doesn't pressure me too much anymore into doing stuff for his kids. Still, he takes A LOT for granted.
Think of it this way - even if you have children with this man, you are giving him something that he can never give you. Love and care for kids that aren't yours. That creates a deficit or an inequality in the relationship that he can never repay. You will also feel entirely differently about this child than he does, even if you like her OK, and that will erode your intimacy. The thing that he's looking forward to more than anything (her coming over for visitation) is the thing that you are dreading more than anything. It's tough to live this kind of double existence...even if everything else in the relationship is absolutely perfect.
I want to echo these
I want to echo these sentiments that most SMs are asked to sacrifice SO MUCH, from the big to the small, for the SKs. You will always be in a struggle over time and money due to the SKs. Every holiday schedule was in limbo due to some last-minute thing SSs just HAD to do, and it impacted not only us, but our extended family, even MY parents! And you'll be expected by many people (not just your DH) to treat the girl as your own when she will never treat you as her own mother and likely will have resentments towards you. It's truly a no-win situation.
If nothing else, OP, read all the posts that recently took place during Mother's Day weekend for the complaints from all the posters who give and give to their SKs as a mother would and get ZERO recognition from either their DH or the SKs for Mother's Day. I was one of those who heard NOTHING from my SKs on Mother's Day, nor did I expect to, since I haven't in 17 years of marriage, yet when SKs visit, I'm expected to cook, clean, entertain, buy gifts, etc., etc. OP, you are very wise to consider these issues on the front end, and I hope you do heed the warnings here.
Resentment is part and parcel
Resentment is part and parcel of step-parenting. The first few years are probably the worst as you adjust to your new life full of sacrifices for someone else’s child or children. However, while it does settle down it never goes away (at least not in my experience which includes 10 years of step-parenting).
That being said, I became a step-parent at 29 and in my view that was young enough. Had my 20’s not been filled with lots of fun stuff like travel, living overseas in London etc I don’t think I could have handled where my life ended up.
I absolutely love my husband and can’t imagine life without him but I wish someone had been there at the start to tell me the hard truths because if I’d had any inkling of just how hard it is being a step-parent I would never have gone down this pathway. I think you would be hard pressed to find any step-mother who didn't regret their decision - it's a really, really hard life full of sacrifices and resentment.
You have to be fully committed to make it work and I sense that you’re not there given your reluctance to form a relationship with your SD.
My advice to you is to take the job and go back to London. I think you’re too young to be making such sacrifices that you will almost certainly regret.
My SS's are rude,
My SS's are rude, manipulative monsters who treat their father and myself horribly at the direction of the BM. Plain and simple.
However, I was once a 25 yr old who was married to a man with a 5 yr old DD. I adored her and she adored me. I loved her with all my heart and never had one ounce of issue having her around at any time. My Now XH was a good dad to her and we considered ourselves a family. I gave up a lot of dreams to start this "family" with him.
Fast forward a few years.....XH started staying out all night, drinking, drugs and lost every job he ever had. He became verbally and emotionally abusive that I was beat down. SD came to live with us full time because BM had lost her mind. I didn't feel I could leave XH because of the SD. I was the only stable parent she had.
Eventually I did leave my XH when SD was 17. She eventually ran away to live with BM whom she hadn't seen in years. She comes back a year later and tries to get back into my life. We tried but she had changed and started acting like her parents. Selfish, manipulative and a user.
She eventually had a child who I was grandma too. And all was well as long as I was buying things and providing for the GS. BM again comes back into the picture and SD moves out of state without even telling me. I had no knowledge and found out on social media. I was crushed. SD stopped all contact with me because BM forbid it and BM was supporting SD. I had my GS ripped from my life and I haven't seen or heard from them in over two years.
So I have been there. I have given up a lot for a "man" and a child. I lost out on that one. I missed out on so much. But you don't have to. You can get out and live your dream. Don't let that opportunity pass by.
You ARE setting yourself up
You ARE setting yourself up for a lifetime of pain, trust me.
I have about as good of a situation as you can get in step-world...and I truly love my husband. His kids all like me and respect me. I was accepted by them and we have a pretty good relationship. I STILL keep barriers up and don't want to do too much for them (they are now 21, 19, and 17...I met them when they were 8, 10, and 12). I still feel like an outsider when they're over and count down the hours until they leave. Even though they accept me and are nice to me and joke with me when they're around...they never text or call when they aren't around. Why would they? They have two parents, and they don't really need me. They text, call, and message their parents all the time - they'll do group messages to text a joke to all siblings plus their dad...I'm not included. Again, why would I be?
At best, you're setting yourself up to be a totally superfluous person in your SD's life...for the rest of your life. At worst, she'll start to see you as the enemy. It's completely unfair of your boyfriend to expect you to make these sacrifices and do these parental things and take responsibility for a girl who will NEVER see you as a mother, no matter what you do. That's just setting you up for years of wasted life and resentment. If he can't see that fact, then you really do need to take that job and go enjoy your life.
**Edited to add: I'm the oldest of 6 and my sister, who is 24, is the youngest. If she came to me in this exact same situation I would tell her to RUN like her life depended on it. I remember being 24, single, and feeling like marriage would never happen for me. please believe me...24 is VERY young and you have plenty of time to find a guy who is free to put you and your relationship first.
TwoOfUs, you sound like me.
TwoOfUs, you sound like me. I'm nine years in, and while I don't mind my skids either, I too count down the hours/minutes until they leave. I truly do believe as well that it's the whole outsider thing. I am really just a non-entity to them. Often my DH has to tell them to say good-bye to me when they're leaving. It's as if as soon as they get up to leave, I no longer exist.
lol. That's exactly it with
lol. That's exactly it with my skids. Out of sight out of mind where I'm concerned.
Your screen name says it all.
My screen name expresses my hope for my life - only it's not true at all. Skids don't think of me or include me at all when I'm not physically in their presence...but my entire life, including finances and where I live, revolves in some way or another around them. Hoping that will change soon, as they are getting older. Really, really hoping..
Hi Maryo, Thank you so much
Hi Maryo,
Thank you so much for your message. You are so unbelievably kind for trying to help me.
The mother has her 3 days a week (Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays) and then every other weekend, so she is very involved and she is close with her daughter. She is a child minder so she pretty much spends most days with lots of children round her house anyway, plus her daughter. As far as I'm aware she is a good mother and there are no real arguments that go on - they only talk when its necessary. Even when my boyfriend calls her on the phone, his daughter automatically picks up because the mother hands the phone to her.
Sometimes she even doesn't come over on the planned days to her dad's house because she wants to "stay with mummy" (which sometimes I wonder if its due to me? But I don't want to dwell on that too much. But we do get time to ourselves.
You're right, my boyfriend seems to get resentful when I get back from the gym because he would have "loved to have had the time" , and he gets upset if he has just returned back from work, haaving picked up his daughter late in the evening to find I'm not back from the gym yet and I haven't made any effort to make dinner. The problem is, I don't even feel guilty! Why should I make dinner? He's an adult who is perfectly capeable of making dinner and yes, he may be tired when he gets in from work and would love some help.. and yes sometimes I do make dinner, but 3 nights a week I enjoy some time at the gym and get back late - both nights of which he has his daughter, so basically whenever she stays with us, there often isn't any dinner already prepared. Sometimes I will bring food back to prepare for us all when I finish the gym, but that means she has to wait until 21:30 for dinner and goes to bed late, which my boyfriend doesn't seem to happy about.
He's not expecting me to make dinner every night - but he has mentioned that he would appreciate if I did "more around the house recently" because he is exhausted from work and picking up daughter. Maybe I'm being selfish? I don't know.
But I suppose the marriage situation really is bothering me. I was very upset when he said that marriage isn't a big deal for him and I said that for me is a dealbreaker and that if we obviously didn't want the same things in our future, we couldn't work. He then asked me calmly if I think I'm being selfish to force someone to get married if they don't believe in that. My argument was that it would be selfish to expect your girlfriend to move country, move jobs, accept your child , have a biological child with you and then not commit to marriage? He then disagreed again and said that it means "nothing" to have marriage on paper just because you have children.
It's hard because everyone is entitled to their own opinions and own dreams, but I love him so deeply and I don't know what to do. When I nearly broke up with him over it, he told me that he's not saying he would NEVER get married, but it wouldn't be now.. but he'd be happy to have children with me now. I'm not having children before marriage.. so what do we do ?
I also feel deeply depressed still at the thought of going back to London in a grey concrete jungle. It really is so beautiful here - how can I go from this to that?
I'll chime in here. I met my
I'll chime in here. I met my DH at age 29 when I was childless. He was 34 with 2 boys, 3 and 5. Almost 18 years have passed, so SSs are finally grown and off our payroll after many, many long hard years of emotional and financial issues directly related to the SKs. I did end up having 2 DSs with my DH, and I love them dearly, but even their lives have been and continue to be from time to time impacted by the SK dynamic. I also have 2 SGDs, and I constantly walk a tightrope between wanting to shower love,affection & gifts on those 2 beautiful SGDs while remembering they are NOT really my granddaughters. They HAVE grandmothers in BM and DIL's mom. I'm just their grandfather's wife. If something happened to my DH, I'm pretty sure I'd NEVER hear from SSs again or see the SGDs. And we have a decent relationship with my SKs. It's just superficial & hollow, which makes it VERY hard to act like I'm a "mother/grandmother" when they're around.
While I LOVE my DH and couldn't imagine my life without him, I really can't recommend this way of life, especially for someone who is so young as you are and who has so much opportunity. If you give up this job opportunity and stay there, resentment likely will grow and grow. If I were you, I'd chalk this up to a valuable learning experience and move back to London and look for someone without any kids so you can make your own life with the man you love without any complicated baggage.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your advice, you have no idea how much it means.
The reason why it's so hard is because you say he only thinks about himself and his daughter because of him hoping I would offer to pick her up from school sometimes or take care of her while he sees his friends once in a while... but he doesn't mean regularly. He just said that if he was really stressed with work and there was no way he could get to school in time to pick her up... or if there was a night with all his guy friends organized and he couldn't make it because it's his night to have louna, he said he would appreciate it if I offered. He has NEVER asked me to do any of these things which has meant he hasn't been pushy, but his point is that after being with him for 3 years, he feels I should want to be more involved with her (however when he met me I was 21 years old so what did he expect!?). He even said that when he can't attend a night with friends because it's his night with her, they say "well why can't Beth look after her?!" .. which firstly I find SO out of line, who are they to even comment?!
At the same time.. I told him that it's unreasonable to even wish I would offer to do these things for him because he only has her Tuesday nights and Thursday nights during the week.. every other weekend (the biological mum has her the rest) so on the days he has her he should make sure those days he spends TIME with her!? I told him that it's not difficult for him to arrange him is life so that these events take place on nights he doesn't have her!? But then he turned around and said that I'm quick to judge and that juggling his life with her is not easy .
(He also plays pplays professional rugby so he has rugby 3 nights a week - every night that he doesn't have his daughter, which is.a big part of his life.
He works very hard and I don't want it to seem like I'm painting out to be horrible because he's not.. I just feel like maybe I'm being unreasonable and that I should do more . I've told him that I've already made a big commitment by moving here and changing my life but he gets upset with that response saying that I can't keep throwing that at him.
It's such a hard decision, I guess I will never know the right or wrong
Oh but if you stay you will
Oh but if you stay you will know the right or wrong.
If hanging out with friends was important maybe he should have considered that before he had a child.
Sounds like he wants someone to play mommy to his kiddo, sounds like you've already given up enough and it sounds like you have a new start back in England waiting on you.
PS- run for the hills when the next man tells you that he has kids.
Or...here's a novel idea. He
Or...here's a novel idea. He could HIRE a sitter if he wants to go out...you know, like he probably did before Beth showed up on the scene.
Take the job back in
Take the job back in London.
Use the "ITS me not you" and bolt. Don't belabor it, but be kind YET firm. Now, if you are worried he may react in a less than respectful way. PACK up when he is gone and call from the airport before you board OR train station.
If most things in your current situation were good, NOT perfect but good I believe you would have not giving this new job a second look.
You tried living in France. You gave it your best. Something doesn't feel right for a reason.
BEST wishes to you in London!!! Never look back, OK?
I can relate to your homesick
I can relate to your homesick feelings. I too gave up my career in the UK to move south to be with a BF, in a beautiful place near the ocean, etc. I even left a lot of furniture and possessions behind that I couldn't move, and moved into his house. After six months here, I sold my house in the UK. I cannot get over that feeling of missing my old freedom, feeling comfortable in my own culture and language, and just simply having my own place.
I have to spend sooo much time with his large family, and his adult kids, they are always here or we are being bombarded with family things we have to attend. It is like living in a fishbowl and to be frank, I just don't love them like my own family. It's just a life fraught with expectations that I will be cooking dinner, keeping the house going, working full time, and then spending all my spare time servicing extended family. Sounds selfish, but I just plain want some peace. I too am thinking of returning but I know it would shock him.
For you, at 24, you need to,build your career and savings, not settle down as an SM. It sounds from your subsequent posts that the cracks are beginning to show in BF...if he resents your taking time for yourself, then he is old fashioned and immature. Take your time and find a grown up man who treats you as an equal and does not expect you to look after his spawn.
Once your mind is made up, the way in which you leave is important, so you avoid conflict and nastiness. It is sad enough to end things without having a big fight to remember. I'd say silently make arrangements on the London end, send anything you can't carry in advance, and just evaporate. I have a feeling this guy won't take the news well. Protect yourself, make sure all your valuables are out before you go.
SMforever, thank you so much
SMforever, thank you so much for your story, it feels so re-assuring to know that we are in this together and someone has made a similar decision to move abroad. You completely get it. Being away from the comfort of our own culture and language is something SO difficult to get used to. Where about's in the south did you move to? Have you found that you made friends in France?
The problem is that he hasn;t ever expected me to look after his spawn. He has never asked me to do ANYTHING. To this day after 1 and a half years I have never once picked her up from school/ taken her anywhere/ paid for anything for her/ looked after her while he goes out. He has NEVER asked me to do anything which I respect, but when we had a conversation about our future recently (I asked him if he sees marriage one day) he said that marriage isn't really important to him. He said that he doesn't believe you have to get married to show you love someone.
After delving deeper, I told him that for me its VERY important. He said that he would love to have a child with me but that marriage is not important to him. I told him that we will NEVER have a child before marriage, especially because he already has a child. I'm not prepared to have a child with someone who already has a child and not get married first.
He then got upset and told me "it doesn't work like that. How can you expect to not get involved with my child and tell me that as soon as we get married, you would then get involved with her and change instantly. How do I know that? It doesn't work like that.. marriage comes afterwards". But how can i devote my whole life to him and his child to one day maybe get no proposal because he doesn't "believe" in marriage? . He told me that he loves me forever and that I am his future.
I can't help but see his point? Is he just clever and making me feel guilty? He is NOT a nasty person. I just desperately need to know if I'm being unreasonable. This is so hard
I'm a bit late with
I'm a bit late with commenting but I hope you will still read this.
Your boyfriend says he doesn't want to marry you before you get involved more with his child. Because 'how does he know you will be more involved after marriage. It doesn't work like that'. Those are his words. So he does want you to act like her mum otherwise he won't want to marry you.
You do not ever have to act like her mum. You are not her mum. This proves he is expecting you will take over mum duties sooner or later.
You say he never asked you. But it's obvious he resents you for not doing it without him asking you.
If he told me his ex did it for 4 years so why can't you, I would have asked him why they split up. Maybe his ex wasnt too happy about her role after all.
Do you want to take more responsibility of his daughter, if not he will never want to marry you. He wants a mum more then a wife it seems.
I agree with others, Take the
I agree with others, Take the job. If you feel resentment now towards the kid it will only get worse with time and you missing out on this opportunity. I agree with those who say he is selfish. He is. You have made all these changes in your life and he is still asking for MORE for a kid he chose to have and isn't yours. Prick.
I have it pretty easy with SD, she cares about me and I like her well enough as well. BUT I don't lift a finger unless I want to with her. MIL has tried in the past to put on responsibility on me for SD, SO shuts that down now, but at first he thought the same so I walked out.
I've been wanting to move for over a year now closer to my family, SO didn't want to because he is closer to his child here and family(yet he cannot afford living here without me footing the majority of the bills and rent). I gave him a year to decide(once he was out of school and SD is in school) He could choose to move with me or stay here without me. By the year he had not decided yet so I put in the a 60 day notice to the renters for the house 2 hours from us and told him, I move with or without you.
Now he is excited to move, more so because he will save a whole lot of money. And he wasn't going to live in a home without me. I sacrificed my money and a year of putting my plans on hold for him. Now its his turn to sacrifice.
If your BF wont sacrifice for you after you already sacrificed for him, then you can see its all about him.
Thank you so much for your
Thank you so much for your kind advice. I appreciate it.
I'm so glad that things have worked out well for you and that you stood your ground. The problem is that my boyfriend cannot sacrifice anything for me (as in moving to London) because that will affect the life of his child. I would NEVER expect him to move his child to London, especially when her mother is here in France. I understand totally that in these situations, the child has to come first and so it's hard because he physically cannot move and make a choice to be with me. He told me that if he didn't have a child, he would have moved to London with me in a heartbeat.
I guess the heart-wrenching problem is that yes the opportunity is great, but London is also a grey cloud, lots of traffic, overcrowded (there is now the same number of population in the UK than in the whole of FRANCE according to a recent report... and think about how huge France is!!). My biggest fear is being in London on that miserable commute and thinking "what have I done.. what if I had just given his daughter and our life as a family a chance?"
The biological mother is very loving to her and has her 3 days a week, then every other weekend (almost 50/50) and she's very flexible when my boyfriend wants to switch days or weekends to fit in with holidays, etc. He went to Mexico with his best friend at Christmas for a boys holiday for 2 weeks and she kept the child for those 2 weeks, without a problem. Like wise the two of us went on a holiday for a week on the west coast So I think.. they are very relaxed with her, why do I have such a stigma? They have never asked ANYTHING of me. All my boyfriend said was that from "time to time" he wonders why I have never even offered to do anything for her.
I don't know, I'm so scared of regret
Take the job on London and
Take the job on London and move on...you can see right now how it will be with a man with a child...as she ages it only gets worse. This dynamic will bring you a lot of misery and love is not everything.... You have no children and you deserve a life with somebody who puts you first without further expectations. Take the position, you will never regret it, and you will eventually find somebody worthy of YOU>
TAKE THE JOB!!!
TAKE THE JOB!!!
I haven't read through all
I haven't read through all the other comments, but take the job. The best thing you can do for yourself is pursue your dreams and your independence. As wonderful as he seems now, it is a glaring red flag that he is essentially ordering you to accept your role as stepmother or else. I just got out of a second marriage where it was all about HIS kids, not mine and I am so relieved. Anyone who tries to force you into doing things and giving up your life without giving back is not worth it in the long haul. You will forever resent giving up your dreams. And as you can probably tell, it is really, really hard to take on someone else's child. You are young, you deserve a fresh start with someone who will put YOU first and then together the two of you can put your own children first. If this man really loves you, then he can climb out of his comfort zone and do something for you. One-way streets do not work. Good luck!
I have a daughter about your
I have a daughter about your age, and this is what I would tell her.
If a man says he loves you but wants you to do xyz (be a better mom, get a puppy, learn to sew, ... see how ridiculous that is?) before he will marry you, that is not the man for you. His is a posture of selfishness and entitlement. He's trying to manipulate you into doing what he wants, for a reward of marriage. Marriage is not a prize to win.
Find someone to love you for WHO YOU ARE, not for who he wants you to be.
Yes, it will be hard to leave him. He sounds perfect for you in every way, except for this one very big, deal breaking kind of thing. But for me it would absolutely be a deal breaker.
Congratulations on your job
Congratulations on your job offer. Now.... IMHO you and BF both are missing the plot of your story. The core of any relationship is the equity life partnership at the heart of the life journey together. This is true just as much for blended family relationships as it is for any other equity life partnership. You and your BF have some clarifying to do together.
If you are going to move forward with this partnership as a life long unit then you both have to step up and deliver to each other. You have given the relationship a number of years of dedication, you have moved to a new country, learned a new language, engaged a successful career in that country, and now you have an amazing professional opportunity back in your own country. I would say that it is time for BF to step up and deliver on his equity life partner responsibilities to you for a change. If before you moved to his location you together had the resources for EOWE visits to each other then he should have the resources to fund EOWE visits with his daughter. Either she can travel to him in the UK or he can travel to her in France.
Don't over complicate this decision. It is a decision just like any other decision that must be made in life. You cannot be the only one to make accommodations for this relationship. Your BF must deliver on his obligations as your equity life partner as you have and are doing as his equity life partner.
Your BF appears to suffer from what is nearly a universal ailment for BioParents in blended family relationships. He appears to be making his daughter his priority when the unequivocal priority at the heart of any family is the adult/equity life partner relationship at the core of that family. Kids should never displace the partners and the relationship as the priority... ever. Children are the top responsibility for the adults in the relationship but they are not the priority nor should they be.
Nearly countless adults are in relationships and in life situations that require that they reside at a distance from their children. If those parents stay the course as quality parents rather than defaulting to Disney Parent status they can have an amazing relationship with their equity life partner and with their kids. When they go to the dark side of the Disney Parenting Force then it is rare that they have either a quality equity life relationship or are quality parents.
There is nothing wrong with you communicating your requirements for support to your BF and inviting him to continue as your equity life partner. If he refuses, you have your answer and you need to move on with confidence into this new phase of your amazing life adventure. There are many men out there who would relish an equity life partner with your drive, compassion, and bright future and who do not have the baggage that your BF carries or if they do carry baggage, they do not allow it to overwhelm their lives and relationships.
Good luck and take care of you.
All IMHO of course.
Rags is right - any
Rags is right - any step-parent who does not make you an equal priority to their kids is not worth keeping. I don't doubt that it would be tough trying to balance the needs of your kids and a new partner and if you look at sites like this it would appear that most get it wrong simply because they do not make their partners a big enough priority.
I know if my DH had ever said to me my kids come first I would have walked.
This doesn't mean you can expect it all your way because the reality of dating someone with kids means sacrifice and lots of it. However, balance is the key and sometimes that will mean your needs come first and other times the needs of the kids come first.
Run as far and as fast as you
Run as far and as fast as you possibly can away from this situation that you are VERY wise and VERY insightful and VERY smart to admit: YOU ARE NOT READY and that is OK!! Be true to yourself, trust yourself, trust your gut and cut the losses and walk. Life will be, for sure, a regret waiting to happen. Step mothering is the most impossible job, not rewarding, not fun and not worth it, in my experience.
So I have an update. I have
So I have an update. I have sat down with my boyfriend and explained to him that I have this job offer which is a huge opportunity.. and that I feel like I'm in a really hard situation because I don't feel ready to be in a situation where I am too involved with his daughter because I'm not ready. I was 100% honest and said that I DON'T want to ever be picking her up from school unless its an emergency, and that I won't ever look after her while he goes out with friends because its HIS night with his daughter.
He said to me "ok that's fine, I understand". I then said but no, if you aren't OK with this, you need to tell me right now so that we can move forward and make an adult decision, because I do not feel comfortable being any more than her friend right now. He replied back to me and said "well I love you and if you don't want to do that, that's fine. We can't all have everything we want in life so if that's how you feel, I respect that".
I have been working in London the last 2 weeks in the UK office (there is an office in both Montpellier and the UK and I can work there whenever I want), so because I am away we miss each other SO much. He's constantly calling me telling me he misses me, and part of me thinks that I should stay in this job and see how I feel in a few months. My manager has given me freedom to travel between the UK and Montpellier when I want, but the problem with that is that yes, great, I can travel back to London a lot, but I'm still on the French salary which is much lower than I could earn over here. I have been completely honest with my manager and told him about the situation and he has asked me to stay and said "if you leave the company after 1 year 4 months, it doesn't look very good on your CV), but I know I can earn so much more in London.
My contract is still in France, my salary is still French. And this opportunity will pass me by if I don't respond to them as soon as possible. Part of me thinks I should use this opportunity to travel back and forth to England and see how I feel in a few months, but then I feel like I'm just not progressing in my life how I could be.
One minute I think I can be OK and stay there, the next I think NO, you need to build your career. I'm so lost. Then last night when I called him he was whispering because his daughter was sleeping in our bed, and I felt myself really jealous and angry. I don't want her sleeping in our bed while I'm not there?! Why can't he go and sleep in HER bed ? It makes me feel uncomfortable because that's where we sleep together, that's my place.
Maybe that's just really harsh of me, but maybe these things will always get on my nerves?