Trying to decide, need opinions
So I am 31 married to my partner who is a bit older, and has 2 step-kids, One SD 19 the other SS 22. The SD is very independent, motivated, doing well at college, and we have a solid relationship. The SS who lives in the same town with his fiancee and 1 year old is the main issue. The only time we hear from them is when he needs money or something is wrong and he wants DH to fix it immediately without any respect for anything going on in our lives. He doesn't work full-time, but spends a lot of money on weed, and prioritizes that over his financial responsibilities as a parent, or just in general. BM is an alcoholic who has polluted his mind over the past years, and has called the police on him for numerous things, so she isn't in the picture at all.
I have to carry the the SS and SD on my health insurance, we pay for their cell phone, and a few other things for the daughter who is doing well in school, and works 2 part-time jobs while in school. But Dh feels guilty about making SS pay for anything or hold him accountable for anything in his life, everything is our issue and I have to deal with these stressors more than I ever thought I should. We bought SS a car, have paid for every repair on it, DH wants to always give him gifts, and I'm finally at my wits end about it. I can't stand that my money goes to someone who prioritizes weed over his daughter and DH doesnt seem to see that this is wrong. We've paid for deposits on apartments, etc for SS and girlfriend, and even though the girlfriend works a lot, SS thinks he doesn't have to as he works part-time at a Minimum wage job.
Do i set a timeline? Do i just say enough is enough, because it is starting to make me reevaluate my marriage, because DH has no backbone, and still feels guilty for the divorce.
There is no legal requirement
There is no legal requirement for a parent to provide insurance past the age of majority (18) unless it is stipulated in a court document. SParents are never required to provide insurance for Skids though they certainly can cover Skids under a plan until the expiration age for parent provided coverage (26).... unless there is a court stipulation that they do so.
I for one do not believe there is a problem or inherent unfairness in making continued insurance coverage of an adult child/Skid dependent on performance. Adequate grades in college, full time employment, no legal entanglements, etc.....
What is not fair in the situation you outline, IMHO, is that SD is busting her butt and performing while SS gets equal or preferential treatment for being a waste of skin and abject parental failure.
That isn't fair.
The only way to resolve this
The only way to resolve this is to separate your finances and divide expenses accordingly.
Your DH has guilty dad syndrome and it won't ever go away. This WILL affect your financial health negatively.
So protect yourself. Tell your DH that you will no longer provide any kind of support (financial or otherwise) for his adult children. That includes health insurance.
Then do it - withdraw skids from your coverage and stop paying any of their expenses.
It's a shame it will affect the SD who seems to be doing well, but there is no way to predict that she may eventually decide to follow her brother's footsteps.
Thus, you have to cut them both off.
YOU are not REQUIRED to do
YOU are not REQUIRED to do anything, and....time to separate the finances before you end up empty handed and your SS has smoked it all up...LOL
As 2tired suggested, separate
As 2tired suggested, separate finances as soon as possible and inform DH you will not be contributing another cent to the support of SS. If you want to carry SD on your insurance it is your choice - SS doesn't need to know about it.
2tired also mentioned it will eventually affect your financial health. Very true. For the first years of our marriage I supported DH and kept SD on my insurance so he could pay for her to go to an expensive 4 year college. It was below her to live with us and take prerequisites at a local community college. DH had changed his career just a few years before SD went to college so to do so he wasn't making a lot of money at the time.
Like you, after a while this scenario became mighty stale. When I told DH he was going to have to pay for his 1/2 of the living expenses he became irate but soon realized it would cost him a lot more to live on his own. Never-the-less, he continued to deposit money into SD's bank account every month - even when she was making more money than he was. As a result he was not able to save any money for his retirement.
We get along OK financially for now but if anything catastrophic came up he would not have the funds to take care of it. If this occurs, I know I will have to do what it takes to take care of myself. The sad thing is I know SD would never, ever offer to help DH financially.
I wonder what your DH's response would be if you asked him if he expects SS to take care of DH when he is older. Maybe just bringing it up will turn the light on a bit.
You are going to have to do
You are going to have to do exactly what I did.
YSS was milking us dry financially at the age of 16, when we married 37 years ago. After about two years of it; I came unglued one morning at the breakfast table. It's a long story, but I cut the purse strings there and then, totally!
You are going to have to say "NO and NO MORE". It isn't easy, but you will never regret it.
Take a page from BM and
Take a page from BM and divest yourself of this pothead. Call cops or cps when warranted. Drop him from your insurance.
Forbid your husband from talking about him in anyway.
What happens next will be on dh and you would not have been able to avoid anyway.