Upset about paying for two households
Has any other stepparent dealt with a stepchild who constantly compares the two houses and demands everything to be equal?
I have a ss who is 12 who lives with us every weekend and almost all of holidays. His mother will take him for some holidays based on how she feels. We also have a 10 year old son together. Everything is a comparison contest for my ss. It has been going on for years and it is driving me crazy.
Maybe this would not be a big issue except for the fact that my husband pays almost $2k in support every month. But his ex won’t use that money on anything. She has a cash job and makes a lot of money but we can’t even bring it up in court because we don’t know how she is hiding it. She even rents her parents’ second house. We know she actually pays very little rent but again, we can’t prove it.
My ss’s mother will only buy his clothes thrift store clothes while she wears really nice stuff. Again, nothing wrong with thrift store clothes but my ss sees what his brother has and makes a huge deal. My husband finally gave in to the guilt trips and started buying my ss clothes that were actually being worn in both houses.
This increased to school supplies and other things the CO stipulates bm is responsible for. When the clothes stopped coming back to our house, my husband said clothes couldn’t go between houses anymore. ss ended up sneaking the clothes and last summer, my husband said he would no longer buy so many clothes since it is his ex’s responsibility anyway.
This created so much drama you would not believe. My husband’s mother felt bad and started giving the ex money to buy clothes and other stuff. Of course she is not even rich so my husband felt he had no choice but to keep buying stuff like he always had.
I feel like I am helping support two houses. Because guess what? After my husband is done paying support, putting away money for court ordered college for ss, the life insurance policy and clothing, I am actually paying for our own son almost all by myself.
I feel this is very unfair. Am I crazy for feeling that way? All this is just the tip of the iceberg of all the issues I have with my ss and his mother.
That's exactly how I feel. It
That's exactly how I feel. It sucks that putting any boundaries will just lead to ss taking it out on us.
You know what's funny? ss's mother doesn't even need the money. She most likely makes more than me right now and her parents are rich. It's the salt in my wounds.
It's actually very difficult
It's actually very difficult to find stuff on clearance he likes and that fits him. But it still grinds my gears that we even have to buy stuff his mother is supposed to. Clearance stuff isn't that cheap either.
SS is 12, he's old enough to
SS is 12, he's old enough to realize that he's wearing second hand clothes while his mom has new clothes.
This happened to my exH. His mom always had the newest latest fashions while the kids had nothing. Even at a young age they could understand that she was spending money on herself and not them, no matter how many times she told them that their dad didn't give her enough to live on.
BM also did this, she was dressed to the nines and complaining how horrible and cheap DH was. Shed cry that she couldn't pay the light bill and DH would say stop shopping!
Kids aren't idiots and even if the worship BM, they will eventually see the truth.
DH needs to be honest with SS and say I give BM more than enough to buy you clothes. The ones we buy stay here and you will have to wear whatever BM gives you.
As far as the inlaws go, let them do whatever they want.
The bad news is that my ss is
The bad news is that my ss is no angel. I feel like he has learned how to manipulate from his mother. Or he is being willfully ignorant. My husband did talk to him about how the support is setup but my ss refuses to understand.
He still wants everything that his brother does. Not only that. He wants to take these clothes back to his mother's house as well. We are buying for two homes! And when my husband tried to be firm, it was fighting and tears, and dealing with my mother in law.
So you and DH are allowing
So you and DH are allowing this child to run the house.
He understands, don't think he doesn't. He just doesn't agree with it and the adults in his life let him get away with it.
Put up with the tears and fighting and BS, stop buying for two house.
As for MIL, let her spend whatever she wants, she's an adult. That doesn't mean you have to listen to her complain, just tell her it's her money and she can spend it however she wants.
Yes, it's become out of
Yes, it's become out of control. It's difficult because our son gets put in a difficult position because ss harasses him about things he has.
I also do feel for my husband because he does want both his children to have the same things. It's a frustrating situation all the way around. I need to sit down with my husband and try to make him understand that he is giving his ex a pass.
We also need to get his mother involved. My husband actually supplements her income right now because she is quite ill. So in a way, it's still his money going to the ex. My husband felt he would rather buy the stuff than send extra money to his ex, who probably won't even use it on my ss.
I'm in a similar position,
I'm in a similar position, the only advice I can offer is to keep separate finances. That way you don't "feel" as directly it when your DH buys clothes, braces, etc. in a month. I also pay for 80% of my and DH's child, and I'm okay with that part.
I have to ask, does it make sense to re-visit your DH's child support? The court should impute income to BM, 2k a month is a lot for one child especially given that you have your SS every week. In most states, your DH should be credited for those overnights, as well as holidays.
We have been to court three
We have been to court three times now and every time, the ex just got more money. She shows herself as working full-time for barely 20% of my salary. I know she makes as much, if not more than me.
I am already paying almost 95% for our son and possibly 60% for the house. I can't make myself feel good about it.
I have to be honest. I feel
I have to be honest. I feel quite angry at buying all these things for my ss when he is basically a spoilt brat. He knows how to make my husband feel guilty and give in.
I'd feel jealous of the ex too. She is living the life using deception.
I do understand why he feels
I do understand why he feels the way he does. But he is no angel trust me. So my sympathy and patience has run out. What I would like is for his mother to spend support money on her own son like the CO stipulates.
She lives on subsidized rent and makes as much, if not more than me, and gets $2K on top of that. Maybe she can stop buying designer clothes instead of forcing us to fill the closet in her house. Or not get new cars all the time.
It's a miserable situation. There is no way they will change custody. Especially since my ss will want to stay with his mother where he has no rules. Thank you though.
Interesting that your 12year
Interesting that your 12year old ss vocalizes how HE expects and demands both houses be equal.
SS does know that your husband pays 2k a month in child support correct?
If not, WHY not. Maybe this will help ss see clearer.
I be sure to remind bm this in a tender way in front of ss too.
Just me.
After watching this stuff unfold and get worse over 20plus years it is high time the truth be told. Otherwise you have kids thinking the way your ss does.
VERY SAD....you sound like a nice family too.
Trust me. My ss knows about
Trust me. My ss knows about the support. My husband has tried making him understand but he refuses to. My ss is no angel either. Unfortunately he is learning everything from his mother and acts like her.
He knows exactly how to guilt my husband and his grandmother. I think the fact that my ss is a brat makes this situation even more hard to swallow.
^^^WHAT SUPERJEW said ^^^^
^^^WHAT SUPERJEW said ^^^^
Except that sueu is right.
Except that sueu is right. And you know she's right; I suspect that's why you're so pissy in your response to her.
Do you not realize how condescending YOUR response is? You're basically telling the OP that you don't think she's intelligent enough to separate the wheat from the chaff .. a tad insulting, don't you think?
(That's a rhetorical question, by the way)
Thanks Lucy. Sue made some
Thanks Lucy. Sue made some good points but I'm not sure why she was insulting me as a mother. That was weird. I don't really care to hear her opinion now, sorry.
When we got married, the ex was working in a university and making a good salary. This was why my husband agreed to pay for 75% of tuition. It would have been heavily discounted. He never thought she would leave her amazing job because it was her life.
But things happened and my husband regrets agreeing to it now because the amount will almost quadrupled. Also, I never thought the ex would stop working a decent job. So all of this has been a bit of surprise since it started a few years ago. I did think about my child and my husband is a wonderful father.
And trust me, if my husband had the extra money, I would be making him contribute. But he has a better retirement matching scheme that we all would benefit from.
I'm just complaining about paying for things that the bm is supposed to. That's all. I didn't think griping about my insane ss and his mother would make a bad mother.
Ok. Spending an extra 200
Ok.
Spending an extra 200 dollars on my ss per month doesn't mean I can ask for $2K myself. I know my family's finances better than you.
Why are you so offended that I am complaining about a mother who refuses to spend on her own child despite getting so much support?
Also, I will not bother reading your posts further since you feel like you only want to attack me.
You don't get to judge me for my mothering skills. I don't even know you. Lucy seems to be right about you.
DH have to start putting his
DH have to start putting his foot down.
First he can tell his mother, this is the CS I pay per month,s top meddling into our life and stop giving BM money, she gets more then enough and this is what I buy SS additional. If you do not stop this I will demand you start giving my other child the same things. BM is probably telling MIL DH is not paying and she has to get SS second hand clothing, DH can rectify this with showing his mother his financial situation.
Then DH needs to tell SS - you are not a special snowflake, this is what I give mum in maintenance, thus if you want something ask her to buy it...
to me it's a simply matter of telling the truth to all parties to show BM is a manipulative cow
In theory I agree with
In theory I agree with you.
Luckily we have separate accounts because of this. But my husband does want his kids to have the same things. But at the same time he can't make his ex buy the same things. We have some soul searching to do for sure.
((hugs)) and yes many of us
((hugs)) and yes many of us live it. We don't actually earn more than BM. We earn less than her and her husband. We just give more to the children than they do.
Thank you for the virtual hug
Thank you for the virtual hug Monchichi. I needed one.
From my reading, a few things
From my reading, a few things really stuck out to me:
1. The Mother in Law giving the X $$$, causing DH to capitulate to SS's desires to have "stuff". And the "stuff" moves fluidly out of your house. This is a common issue, and I have experienced this when, for example, I bought SD10 a new bathing suit, specifically so we could go surfing and to the beach. She outgrew the one BM gave her, and she has a swimming pool at her apartment complex, so SD10 took my the bathing suit I bought her to BM's house. Guess what never made it back, so SD10 insisted on wearing regular clothes under wetsuit? Same thing with slippers I bought, that ended up at BMs house. Yet BM doesn't allow her Animal jam toys, or ink pens over to our house for her to create and play with. Boggles the mind!
In my opinion, your DH should really start having some boundaries with SS. And MIL going behind the back to Ex doesn't help with these boundaries, either.
2. Also, paying for your "ours" child by yourself! YOU need to start setting some boundaries with DH, and really talk to him about this. I would suggest you sit him down and show him the numbers. Number do not lie. Save receipts and document everything.
My SO does not pay child support, only alimony, however he pays for a lot of extra child things, like new shoes, new winter coats, summer clothing, underwear (SD10s first training bra bought by dad!) and gives money for birthdays and Christmas, when BM does nothing and gives out nothing but a handshake and "I love you". I tell him he should document what he spends on kiddlings, but my words land on deaf ears.
And guess what? It will only get worse, because as SS gets older the issues will get bigger and worse. You mentioned that your post was only the tip of the iceberg with SS and BM, and THERE ALWAYS IS. And these issues get worse.
It would be prudent to financially protect your child and yourself. I do not know how your relationship is with DH, but it SOUNDS like from your post, he feels loads of guilt for breaking up his sons initial family, that the BM has placed some Loyalty Binds on the SS, and finally, that DH places SS ABOVE the 10-year old in his priority list (he's the first child, SS is COD, only has father parttime, while 10 yr old has full time parents...etc, etc)
So what will YOU do now?
You are completely right
You are completely right Clove. I just don’t know how to make my husband understand. But you captured the frustration of losing things to the other household perfectly.
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR!!!!!! My
PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR!!!!!! My SS's SpermIdiot was much like your SKid's BM. He is a licensed plumber who is intermittently unemployed on purpose to keep his W-2 income as low as possible while he works extensively for cash under the table.
He also lives rent free in the SpermGrandParents (my SKid's SGPs) rental property and drives their hand me down cars. The SGPs payed every penny of his CS obligation for my son and for the three younger also out of wedlock SpermIdiot spawned half sibs.
Due to my significant income he was awarded an income reduction credit for CS calculation purposes so when I was RIFd in the early 00s I convinced my wife to pursue a CS modification since the second order ($133/Mo) had been in place for 9yrs at that time. The original order had been in place for a year ($110/Mo) when the SpermClan tried to gain custody away from my wife. They shit a brick when it went up to $133 during that dog and pony show.
To minimize an already long story...... we hired a PI, had a telephone hearing in which I was excluded from participating since I was not a party to the case, and we proceeded to hand them their asses while I helped my wife from my muted telephone. You should have heard SpermGrandHag blow a gasked when in response to their request to have my income considered for CS calculation we requested that the SGPs income be considered on the SpermIdiot's side due to them paying all of his bills and raising his kids in their home with no support from him. Then we moved to exclude SpermGarandHag because like me "she is not a party to the case". It was classic. Particularly the part where the PI reported witnessing and photographing the SpermIdiot taking cash payment for plumbing services on several occasions without issuing a receipt.
The highlight of that court effort was the SpermIdiot not knowing how much his CS currently was or how much he paid in rent. }:) Since his mommy and daddy paid both for him... he had no clue.
Initially his CS went up to $785/mo but was lowered to $385 two years later.
A PI can help uncover some shady crap on the side of the blended family opposition. Give it a try.