New drama ...this time from YSD
DH bailed YSD out of jail on Sunday. She is in abusive marriage and her DH had her charged and got PFA on her. I don't know the whole story. She has been with this guy over six years and chooses to stay and keep her two sons in this mess. I am disengaged totally from it all and never even seen her youngest child.
Anyway I was away seeing my family when this all went down on the weekend. DH would not even answer my few questions about it after he said he was putting up her bond. I saw a strange number on his phone text today and checked it out. The BM has been texting him non stop about all this.
My thing is that he has not mentioned a word about the BM texting him. His replies looked to be pretty brief. I know it was all about their adult daughter. On one level it bugs me. On another I am just indifferent about it. But I darn sure don't feel close to him or want to be intimate.
The BM used to be blocked on our phone plan but it expires, I thought we had both agreed that we would not be in contact with exs. The skids are adults and can tell him what they want him to know. The BM does not need to be texting DH and him not even mentioning it to me.
I am just so tired of the whole step hell. There is truly no end to it. It blindsides you when you think it is gone. It ruins a good day that I was enjoying visiting my family.
So just venting. Not sure what to do about the DH issue. Guess I should call my ex and talk about my kids. See how DH would like that. As if...can't stand my ex.
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You know he's only in contact
You know he's only in contact because your SD was arrested, jailed and now has a restraining order. Not sure if you are totally disengaged as in don't even bring SD up at all or want to hear about her. If so, I could understand DH not mentioned this. Unless Dad is spending household money , that would be something whether he thought you wanted to hear it or not...because that affects you.
Yeah, I imagine BM is in total panic. SD may lose her children, at least temporarily.
Abuse sucks. Being a parent and not being able to help your child sucks (not just financially, but save them from themselves as well). Being a SM sometimes sucks. Skid crap sucks.
Yes skid stuff sucks. I
Yes skid stuff sucks.
I know about it initially because DH called me Sunday morning ,while I was away, to tell me he was going to get her from jail. I think he was going to ask where checkbook was but he found it. No good morning honey, just right into it about YSD. I made very few remarks but to ask was she going to pay it back. The other MSD never paid him back for the bond getting her out of jail, or the car he bought her, etc.
So it affects me when he brings it up to me. I never would have known about it otherwise.
Plus he called back a while later asking to use my sons name and address as reference for the bondsman. That bugged me. I said use the BM name, not my son. He does not even know YSD. By then DH got pissy with me as he was all flustered having to go back home for passport for extra Id. He got short with me and hung up. He did not reply to my texts then acted like nothing wrong when I got home.
As much as I disengage he drags me back into the cesspool with random comments or blindside events. He had a birthday thing to attend for SGS on Saturday that he never told me about till the day before. And the time of party not till the day of. Glad I was away the extra night seeing my family instead of wondering what the heck he would be doing.
I have asked him repeatedly not to mention his three daughters names to me. Yet he will still bring up something and mention the OSD name especially, even just after we have been intimate. Talk about a turn off for any future lovin. If an event is happening just tell me the date and time in advance so I don't make plans for us. He can't just do those simple things.
Every special event or time with my own family or friends seems to be tainted with him mentioning skids or some drama ensuing. Heck several years ago even a funeral for my sons friend was made more stressful for me by DH going out to the car and sitting talking to YSD instead of being with me and saying goodbye to everyone together. And then having an argumenton the two hour drive home. It sucks.
I feel like I am in my prior marriage still some days. It sucks.
Sometimes being in it makes it so hard to see what to do to make life better.
You better hide that check
You better hide that check book better, next time take it with you
Why the hell is he bailing her out... she's an adult, BM could've bailed her out or her woman beating boyfriend...
DH should not have gotten involved IMO, simply had to tell BM and what do you want me to do, SD is an adult, bey..
"Plus he called back a while
"Plus he called back a while later asking to use my sons name and address as reference for the bondsman. That bugged me. I said use the BM name, not my son. He does not even know YSD. By then DH got pissy with me as he was all flustered having to go back home for passport for extra Id. He got short with me and hung up. He did not reply to my texts then acted like nothing wrong when I got home."
Just no. NO.
This is a hill to die on. He has raised TWO kids to end up in jail but he wants to drag your GOOD son down in to their cesspool. Hill. to. die. on.
Furthermore, he punishes you for being reluctant to throw your own kid on the altar of his.
Then he goes all starry eyed Disney Dad while he's supposed to be in afterglow with you.
This marriage is in crisis. It's not just stephell. It's Hell hell.
1. Put up some boundaries, woman. You are being emotionally abused.
2. Insist on marriage counseling or you're out.
3. Or skip step 2 and kick him to the curb. He can move in with his mini-wives.
I have exactly zero advice,
I have exactly zero advice, but I did want to tell you that you're not alone.
My situation isn't nearly as bad as what you're dealing with, but sometimes it feels like their bullsh^t is so thick that I can't breathe. We have them 35% of the time, but it's like they're always there, waiting to rear their nasty little heads until a moment when I'm not expecting it. And it's not as much them as it is their narcissistic whore of a mother at this point, since they're still young, but the effect is the same. I keep telling DH that I just need a break from it, but every time we try, some high drama BS happens--and even if it's not high drama, it feels like it is.
I was literally just talking with my therapist about this (again) on Monday, and how I feel like my needs and wants go to the backburner every time things come up, and that I feel like I'm abandoning my husband if I prioritize myself or my kiddo's needs, because he'll be knee deep in skid crap. It creates quite a good amount of resentment toward the skids and even toward DH.
Morri - DH does not want her
Morri - DH does not want her to talk to her Ex regarding their adult children, thus she and DH agreed.... no more contact with all Ex partners...
Remember SD is an adult woman, no need for DH and BM to talk about her..
I don't know if childish is
I don't know if childish is the correct term to use.....
but I sort of agree - if all the children are adults, and I'm talking about 25+ why should the ex's have contact, especially if it was a war all the time and not a nice divorce with co-parenting...
I tend to think/feel that
I tend to think/feel that these types of occurrences are like "fuel to an already burning fire", the "feather that breaks the elephants back" type of things.
To you the reader they seem trivial, like 'HERE is my hangnail, oh yes and the house is burning down now too...'
But the texts after agreements and discussions are like sticking the finger into an open wound.
When SD17 was caught shoplifting, I did not find out about it right away, caught SO texting BM back and forth, and only THEN got the story. He is vague about the fine payment, there were absolutely NO REPERCUSSIONS, and when Bms boyfriend, Puppet, decided to lecture, SD17 decided to use him as punching bag.
Yuck, OP, I feel for you. Im lucky in that SD17 is still a minor.
But unlucky in that when there are ANY major issues, now and in future times, there will ALWAYS be that string connecting them (SD and BM).
DH would never use me as a
DH would never use me as a reference as I would tell the truth.
DH did not bail out SS when he was arrested. Neither did BM. No one did. He was 24 or 25 and he had to face the consequences.
Yes the business about
Yes the business about wanting to use my sons name is the bigger irritant. Along with not knowing how much money will be dumped into this hot mess.
And DH getting short with me happens too much lately. When I call him on it he denies he was short in his tone. Whatever DH. I heard what I heard.
Truly if any of use were disengaged there would be no Steptalk site. It bothered me, I vented here as talking to DH is useless.
Disengaging is a process...not just a cold turkey event.
He does have some redeeming qualities...they get lost in the muck at times but they are there.
It is snowing again...shoot me now. Two feet yesterday...still not done clearing out.
Lost - I feel you. It sucks
Lost - I feel you. It sucks when your partner cannot/will not be open and honest with you when it comes to SD's/BM's and the communications. That also happened when Winona SD17 was caught in JC Penny's shoplifting January 1 of this year.
SD17 got nothing more than a little slap on the wrist. No repercussions, no punishments. Then when BM boyfriend, who I call Puppet, dared to lecture her, he was used as a punching bag by SD17.
I wasn't told right away, I found out when I caught SO and BM texting a bunch the day after, and turns out BM had been with SD17, at the mall shopping with her daughter dearest.
I have said nothing, being in the process of disengagement, and therefore no arguments. SO and BM have taken care of the fine, and SO insists that if SD17 does it again after age 18, if she gets arrested he is definitely NOT bailing her out, at all, ever. And he has told her this.
Now if he is telling the truth, only time will tell.
Your DH acting out the way he is - I am certain he is feeling a sense of shame that his flesh and blood is being jailed. No parent wants this for their babies. However, he is the parent and should pony up some responsibility. Not you, and not your son. HE and BM need to see the light, and not punish you for their lack of parenting.
Lost - the fact that he
Lost - the fact that he wanted to use your son's good name has nothing to do with it, I would've given him a snotty answer and say WTF - leave my son and whole family out of this, use your own name, we are not involved you idiot, and why the hell are you even considering taking out money to do this?
This will be the ideal time to separate finances 100%.... it does not matter what SD or BM did, what matters is that DH is jumping up and down for them after years, seriously BM could've dealt with this.
I only say this cause you know it... SD will be back with that guy before the court case.. and then you can tell DH - see I told you not to get involved, this will keep on happening, distance yourself from this mess, till SD has grown up....
and snooping on a partners phone..... it's the only way we know what's going on, cause they know we are right and they try and hide things the bloody idiots
Clove and Acra you are both
Clove and Acra you are both dead on. I have followed the Winona story. Lovely. On any given day here on stalk it is unbelievable what we all deal with.
Maybe the shame thing is part of it. Who knows what a DH thinks. The domestic violence story did make the front page of the local paper, under the fold, a brief story. No photos. Seems the incident happened Saturday night, she left the house before police arrived so they picked her up Sunday. The BM thinks it is all lies by SIL. Too much crap to go into but it looks like she will be back with him. She had filed charges against him years ago for DV and dropped them the day of hearing. So YSD thinks her DH will drop charges next week at the hearing. The BM is saying the SIL is writing suicide notes and being all kinds of crazy. They are both playing dangerous games and the losers are the two young children. The BM says YSD will not get an attorney for the hearing. Then says she should because YSD will be screaming and crazy trying to represent herself before judge.
There were texts from BM to DH all yesterday.
As for reading his phone...I have no guilt about it. Ever since he hid the death text that MSD sent him against me and he failed to even mention it then all trust is gone. It is the only way I have any advance warning about anything. The OSD just told him the Gskid birthday party is in June...he will likely not tell me till a few days before. This way I can make plans for my self that weekend. It is less of a stress to read it impersonal on his phone than have a discussion with him about anything skid related.
It is a sad way to live...no real trust for your partner. This whole business with the BM texting for days just confirms the distrust. The SD is 33 for goodness sakes. She does not need her mommy and daddy discussing her business behind her back. Nothing they do or say is going to solve this mess. She has to do it for herself. But she won't. She didn't 6 yrs ago or anytime since. Maybe if she gets sent to jail she will be free of the abusive husband. Whether she hit him or not this time...maybe this is what she wants. Who knows.
I just wish the BM would stop texted my DH behind my back. Yes that is all on DH. What can I do about it?
Don't know.
Eating baby yellow Dutch potatoes and drinking kaluha and milk with a shot of butterscotch snaps....what does it have to do with this mess? Nothing...just tastes yummy. Like candy. Will chase it with some chocolate!