Just Sad
I have an adult stepson who lived with us until college. My husband (his Dad) supported him through college and then with several motor vehicles, etc. He is married with a young family now. We recognize he and his family for holidays, birthdays, etc. When he and his wife want to attend conferences, we've taken the kids for vacation-time with us. My problem is that he hardly ever recognizes his Dad, me, or his half sister for anything. We send gifts and cards for holidays and birthdays and neither he or his wife respond (with a thank you or acknowledgement they they received the gift). His married half-sister just had her first child, and they did not acknowledge the pregnancy announcement or the birth of a new cousin to their kids. I am just sad. I feel invisible and conflicted. I feel like I am in a no-win/no-win situation. If I send gifts and reach out with texts or phone calls, I feel bad because they do not respond. If I didn't send gifts and reach out with texts and phone calls, I feel bad. Can anyone give me perspective?
In a way, I am getting ready to "accept the rejection" and fade into the background. I love this kid, but he is moody and disengaged. I feel uncomfortable around him because I do not feel welcome. I feel like I am literally walking on eggs and stepping over landmines, or he becomes angry. He had a complicated upbringing with multiple marriages for his mom and then his Dad has been married to me for 36 years. I can see that he is seethingly angry on multiple levels, but he is not open to talking about it.
I do not think estrangement is the answer, but I am really sad about this. No matter what I do, I feel bad. Anybody else had this or can offer solutions? I am really sad and don't know what to do.
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I think this sort of thing
I think this sort of thing happens all too often in step culture. It's sad, and unfortunate, but what can you do? Evidently your SS doesn't have a close bond with his father, and you cannot fix that. You've tried to model loving, supportive behaviour, but it isn't reciprocated. I find it interesting that there is at least some communication, since you are allowed to provide childcare for him on occaision. How very convenient for him.
I think a lot of children of divorce are wounded by the process and aftermath of the demise of their family unit, and some become entitled and manipulative. Guilty divorced parents often overcompensate with material things, so perhaps your SS was never taught to give as well as receive.
At any rate, you are all adults now, and there is no excuse for his gauche ways. Any issues he's hanging onto from childhood are his alone to deal with. Your DH would be within his rights to have a straightforward conversation about what's eating his son, and you would be within yours to stop rewarding his and his wife's bad behavior with tokens of a regard they obviously don't return.
It is possible to detach with love, leaving the door open for future interactions of a positive nature. You might want to read up on that.
If the OP finds it just as
If the OP finds it just as hurtful to NOT send gifts than to send gifts that are ignored then SHE needs to figure out why she feels that way. It sounds a lot like she is trying to win his attention with gifts and she doesn't like that it's not working. The answer is to stop over compensating for mere breadcrumbs of attention from an adult who clearly doesn't appreciate or maybe even want all these gifts.
From his perspective, why
From his perspective, why would he stop ignoring you and your family? You send them gifts, you babysit and take his kids on vacation on top of getting to comviently ignoring you and yours during present giving time. Sounds like a big win for him. He sounds selfish and ungrateful. The only way to change the way you are treated is to stop letting others treat you that way. Stop giving him gifts. Would you keep sending a gift to your neighbor if she never bothered thanking you? Even if you life next door since childhood? No you wouldn't. It honestly sounds like he doesn't like you but he likes getting the material things from you both so he barely tolerates you. It's time for you to take it for what it is and move on.
Oh, my gosh. What
Oh, my gosh. What wonderful.insightful responses. I really appreciate you all.
I, too came from a family "broken" by divorce. My Dad was married 5 times and my mom twice. I grew up with step-parents, step- siblings and other step-relatives that came and went in my life as "ex-step-parents, ex-step-siblings and ex-step relatives." Things, of course, were not necessarily stable in my family of origin, but I always tried to make lemonade with the lemons. One of my step-mothers (the only living one now), I still keep up with her and recognize her on Mother's Day and holidays. I call her on her Bday and send her a card. I am not trying to win anything by doing this. I just have a sense that it's the right thing to do. I could have had plenty of axes-to-grind in my life, but I just kept trying to read everyone else's perspective. The root of my sadness is not about the gifts or recognition. It's about having a loved a child my whole married life and he seems not to care.Since I am an experienced "step-child," I tried to be cognizant of my SS position. I will reflect on what you all shared with me. Thank you so much!
It sounds like he and his
It sounds like he and his sister were raised with an expectation that parents give and kids take and that no "thanks" is necessary.
I don't think it's unusual for kids to take a while to change to being more thankful and less entitled.
Just like in many families,
Just like in many families, there are differences among children overall. The daughter is grateful, generous and kind who reciprocates with love. It is so confusing to me because he spent much of his formative years with us, acknowledging people, sending thank you cards and expressing appreciation for others. He just kind of "checked-out" leaving me to cycle through feelings of trying to figure out if it was something I did, or something I didn't do that contributes to his behavior. Is it OK to let go with love, or to keep trying? That's my dilemma.