How do I know if I was a good step parent
My girlfriend of 14 years and I are having alot of issues. One of the major ones is that she says I haven't been there for the kids. When we met they were 10 for the daughter and 12 and 13 for the boys.
They are now 23, 26 and 27. On fathers day I didn't get a card or any even acknowledgement. My long time girlfriend says that the kids don't feel like I am there for them. I guess she's right. We have been living together since 2005. I always helped support them and were there if they needed help with homework and for the daughter learning to drive.
There biological father was in the picture at first and has now abandoned them for the past 2 or 3 years.
I always felt like I was more of a buddy than a wise sage or disciplinarian. Me and her fight quite often, where she yells and to be honest I don't deescalate very well. We are both in counseling.
What is the mark of a good parent? I really feel like I failed, especially in her eyes.
Agree with this. They have a
Agree with this. They have a Father - no matter what the relationship is. Don't expect a Father's Day card but it kind of hurts if what you have done for your for skids is completely ignored. I made a lot of sacrifices in the first few years of our marriage such as supporting DH so he could send SD to an expensive college, including SD and DH on my insurance, allowing her to live for extended periods in a home I owned, paying for 1/2 (or more) of vacations with SD and her husband - the list goes on and on. DH and I have been married for over 25 years. My efforts have never been appreciated or acknowledged. I try to justify this as stoicism on DH's part. For SD, she was entitled to it. My DH is much like your DW who "hasn't taught her children to appreciate the things that you have done for them."
Thank you. I have been told
Thank you. I have been told that my parents haven't been good step grand parents to the kids either. They do send them I think its either 25 or 50 dollar gift cards on their birthday and Christmas and they text them. When they visit from out of state they always want to see them and spend time with them, although to be honest their main priority is to see me and my brother. I know the middle son has to be nagged to say a simple thank you for the card.
I know where my girlfriend is coming from, her own dad isn't very present in their lives and there is bad blood between the kids and the biological dad. She is just being protective of her kids but at the same time I think her expectations may not match mine or my parents.
I know when my mom bought tickets to come out to visit in September, she sent a text out to me, my gf, the 3 kids, my brother and his partner. The only ones who didn't respond were her and the kids. I can't control or get angry for their actions but if someone reaches out I think it's polite to reach back even if they feel slighted or not loved enough.
They did reach out to him
They did reach out to him multiple times, he stopped responding to them. He got remarried and had another child, so I do fully agree with the kids on this. I guess abandoned is the wrong word, cut ties with them. He was a drunk, woman beater so it's not surprising.
You probably did fine in
You probably did fine in parenting your Skids. IMHO the issue is that you entered the picture when they were older and beyond the age where bonding with a parent figure can be a more seamless process.
And.... your bride is a yeller and likely did not allow you to be an equity parent to any kids in your marital home.
Quit beating yourself up over history. The spawn are gone and if they do not want to interface with you in a positive manner then good riddance.
If they choose to make a positive effort with you then reciprocate and enjoy. Either way they choose, take care of yourself.
Good lord. They are adults at
Good lord. They are adults at this point and you absolutely don't need to feel any obligation to do anything for them, regardless of what your girlfriend says. You filled in with homework and driving when they were younger, and IMO even that is beyond what you HAD to do, as they have 2 parents (even if one is currently choosing to not be part of their lives, he exists--perhaps he feels they are adults who want him to still coddle them so he removed himself?).
IMO, you have no further responsibility to these adults other than to not be rude when they are around. Your parents have zero obligation to them. Does your GF not realize her kids are grown??
You fight with this GF, she doesn't like the way you parent...what is good in this relationship (Oh, I know, they are perfect in every other way, meaning indoor sports). I'd be moving on.
Oh yeah, you shouldn't expect Father's Day cards from skids, no matter their age. You aren't the father. You aren't even the step-father.
If you haven't yet learned
If you haven't yet learned about "disengagement" it seems like now is a good time.
These are young adults who obviously have no gratitude for whatever positive role you played in their lives. I was in a similar situation where the skids were older when I met my SO. We've been together more than a decade and his kids have never come around to me.
I have had the same issues you are experiencing. I decided it was in my own best interest to disengage from the skids. That means, I won't make any further effort at a relationship (because they don't want it), I don't reach out to them (they don't want it), and I avoid asking my SO about them. I also don't waste my time and buy any more "thoughtful" gifts which are never appreciated. I throw a modest amount of money in a card and that's it. In other words, I do not waste any more energy, emotion or resources on these skids.
Because it's a dead-end. Just like your situation is. In my case, my SO does seem to understand that his kids are self-absorbed and not interested in making any reasonable effort towards maintaining relationships with others (including his family). Their only focus is their mother and her family - she brainwashed them.
Which leads me to another point. Sounds like your GF may enjoy her status as the "almighty and righteous" parent in their lives and doesn't want to share any of that perch with another adult - with the BF, with you, your parents, or with anyone else. That's probably why the skids don't bother to respond to you, your parents, etc.
It's sounds like the kids and
It's sounds like the kids and your gf are expecting you to fill in the gap (physically and probably financially) that the bio father left when he "abandoned" them a few years ago. The youngest is 23 years old so perhaps their dad felt that he had license to live his life now. Not everyone wants to perpetually parent and financially support their adult children with no end in sight. I always joke (but am serious) that once all my children grow up, they're not going to know where I am. When the youngest is flying on his own I plan to "clock out" for awhile. Mom needs a break!
You've been an awesome step dad, plus they had an active father in their live, those lucky kids had a lot of support. Three parents supporting them in all their needs, but the little vampires still want more. Dad has stepped back and perhaps you should do the same. They all need to grow up. GF needs to let go of the parenting reigns and be a partner to you again, if she can't then it may be time to give the relationship some space.