SD18 update.. good, bad, and just annoying...
I'll start with the "good"- just found out from Aunt J that when SD18 graduates on June 17th, MIL will be driving her straight to the Adirondacks for training for the camp that she is going to be working at this summer. Then SD will be working in city about 20 minutes away from our house for 4 weeks, 6 days a week. Then she will return to the Adirondacks for another 4 weeks and then back to college in Aunt J's state 3 states away from us. This means there are only 4 days that I might possibly have to deal with SD being in my house. I can totally handle that!!!!
Now I'll lump the bad and annoying together. So SD is going to college. She got accepted at University in Aunt J state, wonderful great. Aunt J filled out all the college apps, all the financial aid apps, scholarship apps etc. SD18 is getting a HUGE chunk of her college paid for through aid, a scholarship, and then will have very minimal student loans upon graduation. She is living on campus and will be working PT. DH informed me last night that he is planning on sending her $200.00 a month while in college. I said "whatever for??" She has no car, so no expense there. The one and only thing that BM pays for is SD18 cell phone, so no expense there. She will have income from her part time job as well as money from the $2400.00 that she will be making this summer at her camp job. Yes, I understand that things will come up such as books, meal plan what have you... but why not just pay for those things as needed. Why does he feel the need to send 200.00 EVERY month.. if he does this for 4 years, that's $10,000 he's handing her. Supposedly DH will be sending the money to Aunt J who will put in account for SD and will monitor how/when money is spent but who's to say SD won't lie about shit.... we all know how great she is at that!!! I don't know, I just don't think it's necessary and I really want some type of "contract" such as he needs to see grades every semester and if her grades fall below a certain predetermined range, then cash flow stops NO EXCUSES!
It's just so freaking annoying because DH has been saying for years now... "only a couple more years, almost done, 18 is right around the corner then I'm done" blah blah blow smoke up my ass. I get just because she turned 18 doesn't necessarily mean she is ready to live independently with NO help... I just think his plan is excessive. And when the hell DOES it ever end??????? 
I moved out when I was 18. Never got another dime from my parents unless it was a gift for graduation, birthday Christmas. I did borrow some money once from my grandma for a hefty car bill, but paid every penny of it back. I don't understand this "paying someone because they exist" concept??
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I too wonder the same things.
I too wonder the same things. I just don't understand how kids don't make it anymore, student loans weren't invented yesterday so that doesn't work for me. I left and never looked back, couldn't borrow money from my parents because they didn't have any so it just wasn't an option. Guess what? I took care of myself and I figured shit out, sometimes things weren't great but guess what?? I survived and every day of not having shi* back then makes me appreciate everything I have now.
I totally agree with you, why set up an exact amount? Not to even base the amount she gets on her grades, attendance, etc. There is no bar set for them to rise to anymore.
I swear any day now I am going to pass some lady breastfeeding her 20 YO.
There is no bar set for them
There is no bar set for them to rise to anymore.
YES! This is what I mean!!! And this is the way it's always been for SD. No incentive to save money, because if she wants something and doesn't have the money, she'll get it from DH... so what is the incentive to save? And what will be the incentive for her to work more than the bare minimum if she knows daddy is sending 200.00 bucks every month that will be at her disposal? There were MANY times in my early 20's that I went without, or had to tell my friends, "sorry can't go out with y'all tonight, I don't have any money til I get paid next week" THAT is life!
And it's just irritating as all hell to me that while DH forks out the money left and right and BM does NOTHING... literally NOTHING... SD18 barely speaks to DH, but acts like BM is MOTY. Aunt J found out that SD18 actually told her boyfriend's mother that BM was paying for her college! With what??????? She has no job, no car and lives with GBM in a fucking trailer park with her other FOUR illegitimate kids!
She had to apply "independent
She had to apply "independent status" because Aunt J has custody of her and IS rolling in the dough and BM lives in our state which is not the state that SD resides in.
I get that shit happens, I
I get that shit happens, I just feel like it should be dealt with then... not just fork out 200.00 a month regardless.
Would it make you feel better
Would it make you feel better if you set up the account and monitored it. Then you would know what she is spending it on and can have DH talk to her about spending habits.
Do you think she is going to
Do you think she is going to actually pass her classes and keep her job?
This is my other HUGE
This is my other HUGE concern. When she left our house her grades were in the 20s and 30s and I believe she even had an 18 in English. Aunt J hired her a private tutor and rode her hard about getting her work done, emailed teachers weekly, etc. The only reason she is graduating is because Aunt J spoon fed her and whipped her ass through it. Aunt J filled out every college application, every financial aid app, and it's Aunt J's women's club that gave SD the scholarship.. so it's not like she "earned" it, she got it because of Aunt J. The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior and I just feel that once she is turned loose and on her own, she is NOT going to be successful. She doesn't know how to be, because everything has been handed to her and done for her.
This is my whole bitch with the $200.00, it's just perpetuating the cycle of DH basically paying her to exist and then bitching about the fact that she just uses him as a wallet. :?
Oh no - I assume she will be
Oh no - I assume she will be living in the dorm so no need for $200 a month.
As for his claim that she isn't ready to be living independently with no help? She isn't - she will be in a dorm, with RAs, and a cafeteria. And lots of help from on campus sources should she need it. $50 a week means lots of beer and/or pot, if you ask me.
Also, if SD will have a PT job while in school, shouldn't THAT be her walking around money??
Also, if SD will have a PT
Also, if SD will have a PT job while in school, shouldn't THAT be her walking around money??
That's what I'm saying! Why not Dh just pay for books as needed, put money on her meal plan as needed send her a care package now and then... why this "need" for her to have $200.00 a month regardless??? ESPECIALLY when she'll have a job.
Tell your husband that I,
Tell your husband that I, too, would like $200 walking around money
Hell, I have as much need as SD does, right???
Yes there is SS17 (who will
Yes there is SS17 (who will be lucky to graduate from HS much less go to college.. he's the loser dope/pill head) and then DH and I have BS6.
I do not think he has shared this plan with SD.. I think it is just between Aunt J, himself and myself at the moment.
I just think $200 a month is
I just think $200 a month is a lot of spending money.
No it won't cause a drain....
No it won't cause a drain.... that's why I am torn about it. I just get sick to death of her being handed everything simply because she exists and everyone feels sorry for her because BM is a piece of shit.
"being handed everything
"being handed everything simply because she exists and everyone feels sorry for her because BM is a piece of shit."
Or as I call it in my house - the DH school of parenting. Poor poor kids who don't have Medusa in their lives.....awwwwwww.
:sick:
Yes, that's what DH says...
Yes, that's what DH says... that he will send the money to Aunt J and Aunt J will put in account and dispense as she sees fit for SD's needs. My only problem with that is that SD lies, like literally if her lips are moving she's lying. So if she knows there is money there she WILL come up with some reason she "needs" it.
DH used to hand SD $200.00 a
DH used to hand SD $200.00 a month when she was living with us. His theory was, he'd be paying it in CS anyway so why not let her have it. (I know, I know) She would literally blow through it in a WEEKEND and seriously have nothing to show for it and no clue what happened to it. There were also at least a couple of times (that I know of) that DH caught wind that SD gave all or a good chunk of her money to BM or GM to buy Christmas presents for her sisters or so they could pay the electric bill and stupid shit like that.
Sadly I am realizing
We are married to the same
We are married to the same man.....the guilt never goes away
puppy, those are things her
puppy, those are things her part-time job will cover. and i'm sure she'll be earning more than 50/wk at her job.
i am liking the idea of dh putting $ into a separate account for things like going to visit her, extroadinary expenses (like if her computer gets fried and needs replacing), things of that nature. if he plays it right, maybe there will be enough in there upon graduation to buy her a decent car as a grad gift (so she cant use transportation as an excuse to mooch)
ETA - if she quits school or flunks out, dh would need to then close the account and take his $ back.
I went to college, I
I went to college, I struggled, I did not ask my parents for money.
My kids go to college, I don't give them any extra spending money. Any walking around money they have to earn from working. They also have to earn a portion of their expenses through working.
No college kid needs 50 bucks a week when they live in a dorm and all of their food is paid for.
I understand giving a child
I understand giving a child money but there will be some type of expectation along with the benjamins. You will get X if you do Y. If you don't do what I've outlined you will not get money. Why give a kid money that hasn't done crap to earn it? As a matter of fact not only has she not earned it but she is an a**shole and lies, tears up relationships and leaves piles of shit behind her at every turn.
WHY REWARD bad behavior?
Exactly! Why give money to a
Exactly! Why give money to a kid that hasn't done crap to earn it??
It's my DH's fracked up mentality. When I questioned him.. he got pissy and said "What do you want me to do, it's my daughter! I feel like I have to do SOMETHING, because nobody else is." It's always this stupid overcompensation because BM1 is a piece of shit and because DH's father abandoned him and MIL when DH was like 3.
"What do you want me to do,
"What do you want me to do, it's my daughter"
Tell him exactly what you want his as* to do:
Let her know any money given to her should never be an expectation and could stop at anytime
Let him know since she inherited her mothers genes this is even more of the reason why you don't give the money freely
Then gently remind him that NOBODY else doing anything includes HIS KID!!!!!!
If he does HAVE to help there should be a set level of expectations and a brief discussion over cause and effect.
My uncle still gives his 40
My uncle still gives his 40 yo kid (said kid has two kids of his own) every time he screws up. He is a smoker and drinker that never has any money but is always at the bar. After he gets the money he never pays him back but when he does get money he will lie and now it is well above $10,000 that he owes his dad.
My question to my Uncle every time he lends him money is who is going to lend him money when you are dead??? Who is going to save his stupid ass? He will literally tell my Uncle he doesn't have any food to fed his kid to guilt him to giving him money if he tries to stand tall.
If a good kid needs help I get it. But people that continually are allowed to make crap decisions and get paid by their parents for it usually stay entitled pieces of shit that expect others to go to work and give them their money.
What is wrong with telling the kid as long as you are working and your grades are good, if something comes up that you need come see me and we will discuss it.
Just wait until he hears
Just wait until he hears about her grades. I bet she flunks out the first semester.
I'm giving her until the end
I'm giving her until the end of the first year. I think she might pull off the first semester because it will be new and exciting... but by the end of the first year I predict her laziness will set in and she'll be missing classes and blowing off assignments to hang out with her boyfriend (oh did I mention he's going to the same college???) and friends and just screwing off in general.
My SD hit DH up for a
My SD hit DH up for a "monthly allowance" twice during college, but he said no both times, not only because it wasn't in our budget, but also because she could have earned the money herself but chose not to. She claimed she could only work weekends and it just wasn't enough, but she just didn't want to give up her free time during the week. Her schedule at the time was no classes Monday or Friday and no classes after 4 pm. Call me crazy, but that seems like plenty of time to work to me. And she also never worked during the summer because that would have gotten in the way of her trips to the river or all of the raves she went to. I flat out told DH that she should be working and saving during the summer break to have money for the school year and luckily he agreed. I told him if he gave her money, it would go to partying and tattoos, and I was right because her Grammy got roped into sending her money and that's what it went to (SD said so herself).
My SD also chose a very pricey school in a very expensive area 2 hours away, and chose to rent a house off campus instead of a dorm or a cheaper apartment. BM and SD concocted all of that, without talking to DH about it, so I feel it's up to them to pay for that lifestyle. SD will never learn to live within her means, but BM is 47 and still hasn't so there's very little hope.
My mom sent me $25 a week
My mom sent me $25 a week when I was in college even though I lived on campus and had a work study job. I was still supporting my own vehicle, though (insurance payments).
So, I am okay with the theory of a parent sending their college student an "allowance." Maybe $200 is excessive. I think there should be a solid understanding between your DH and SD about two things:
1 - $200/month is all there is - if you spend it all in one weekend, tough cookies
2 - If you can't maintain a x.x GPA, it's gone
God forbid she open up a
God forbid she open up a credit card while on campus! :jawdrop: The cc companies pray on the young, naïve college students. If she runs up 5k in debt it's a reasonable assumption she'll go running to dumb dh to pay it. You have my condolences, Daizy.
Oh dear Lord.. I didn't even
Oh dear Lord.. I didn't even think about that! If she gets her hands on a credit card.. it's all over. And if she comes running to DH to bail her out and he even so much as uses one brain cell to think about it, I'm done. Over and out. Marry your fucked daughter and live happily ever after supporting her entitled, lazy, spoiled ass.
My first job was in a retail store at the mall. I was 16. They gave me a credit card with a $500.00 limit. I thought that was the B.o.M.b. I was the best dressed chick in high school!!!!! Unfortunately it didn't take long to hit that $500.00 limit and only working PT, I was not bringing home enough money to pay for my gas/car insurance and make the minimum payment. Mommy and daddy did NOT bail me out... my mother made me work out a payment plan with the credit card company (after we cut up the card.. never to be used again) and I paid that shit off. I learned my lesson and have never made a late payment, bounced a check, or anything of that nature in my life.. I currently have a credit score of 810. But again... because I learned from my mistakes.. nobody handed it to me and said.. "oh poor Daizy, it's not her faullllllltttt."
I like this idea along with
I like this idea along with an account he can place the money into every month for genuine need and/or emergencies. The money is more likely to be used for what she claims she needs than to go for partying/socializing/things that she THINKS she needs that are just wants....