Adult SD is taking advantage
Three months ago my 23 year old step daughter came to live with us. We've always maintained that a grown son or daughter has a home here if needed. We're wise enough to know that sometimes there are situations beyond their control and they need a helping hand. We just weren't prepared for this.
When she asked to live with us we knew it was because she had burned all oh her bridges and had nowhere to go but we failed to make a list of rules. My husband told here that she wouldn't be charged rent as long as she was taking classes and saving money because she does work. By accident we saw her bank account after 8 weeks of living with us and she hadn't saved a dime. So my husband told her she would pay $50 a week and if her room and bathroom wasn't cleaned she would pay an additional $10 each week. She's was angry but has paid the rent.
I'm home most days when she is there and she doesn't eat much but she eats out a lot. That's where most of her money goes. However, I notice when I am not home she does eat. Today she took a soft drink out of the fridge and drank less than half, left it in her room and she left. She does the same thing with bottle water. I bought lunch chips in serving sizes in different flavors and she picked through and ate all of one flavor. She's a bit inconsiderate and greedy at times.
While living here she had her own room, bathroom, hot water, washer and dryer, electricity, wifi, cable and Netflix all for $50 a week.
I'm curious for opinions regarding whether that should also include food or should we clean off space in the fridge and a pantry shelf for her own stuff?
And to clarify about classes.
And to clarify about classes. We live in another state from where she moved. She would have to pay out-of-state tuition for classes until she's here a year. That's too expensive.
Thank you. He and I have
Thank you.
He and I have discussed the possibility of how long she stays here. Neither of us is comfortable with long term but We want to help her with an education if she chooses. I don't see this arrangement lasting long enough for college classes to start but we are providing her with the opportunity.
She went back home to visit family and just got back and I know my husband is going to have a talk with her.
When is her scheduled
When is her scheduled departure date?
How will she pay for school
How will she pay for school if she's blowing through all her wages?
It sounds like your SD needs guidance, structure, and boundaries. Sad that at 23 this is necessary, but that's CODs for you. It's not too late to draw up a list of rules for all members of the household. And your DH needs to have a discussion with his daughter about her plans for her future that includes finances, school, and a target move out date.
You are correct. This
You are correct.
This situation is taking its toll on him as well. First opportunity they are home together he plans to talk to her.
'but that's CODs for you.' I
'but that's CODs for you.' I object to that!
I was a COD and was out on my own BEFORE the age of majority. (Totally... MY idea.) 
Other than that, I agree with what you're saying.
teeheehee
teeheehee
Good one, beaccountable. I'm
Good one, beaccountable. I'm still snickering.
One time, my DD28 wanted help, I told her to show me her bank statements. She didn't and got no help from me. Why help an adult kid if all they're going to do is blow their money on eating out, partying, whatever? None of it helps them grow up.
Every time dh would buy SS23 food or what have you, I'd tell him he was just buying his son's drugs. But, once dh figured out what his son was doing each time, he'd quit helping him and that's when he always ends up back in rehab, but it takes dh figuring it out for himself that nothing he's doing is helping. He always says if an adult kid is at least trying, then we should help. WHATEVER! If they're not making ends meet, then they need to get a second job or go back to school and get a better one! I'd like us to be able to retire at some point, wouldn't you all??
I hid the stuff she likes.
I hid the stuff she likes.
There is a very fine line
There is a very fine line between helping and enabling. Make sure DH understands this. Many parents today get a 'F' in that subject, lol. Clearly there needs to be a plan of action, and strong boundaries where SD is concerned.
As much as I hate the idea of what I'm about to say, (because if BP's did their jobs, it wouldn't even exist :? ) perhaps helping her to find a life coach would be helpful? I'm only bringing it up because you stated that SD has burned all of her bridges, which is why she's darkened your doorstep. That tells me that she has a problem taking advice or direction from those who have helped her in the past. This is a huge red flag to me.
You're already on that slippery slope.
You stated, "We've always maintained that a grown son or daughter has a home here if needed. We're wise enough to know that sometimes there are situations beyond their control and they need a helping hand."
Right after that you state, "When she asked to live with us we knew it was because she had burned all oh her bridges and had nowhere to go but we failed to make a list of rules."
So, was her situation really beyond her control? Or was it her own refusal to listen to all the 'helpers' who came before? See what I mean?
Listen, if someone offered you free room and board (in some cases here) free car, free college, free cell phone, free wi-fi, free Netflix, etc., how quick would you be to leave? If you're waiting for her to change, she won't. Why? There's nothing in it for her to change.
You and DH have ALOT to talk about.
Best of luck with your situation.
it sounds like op has an an
it sounds like op has an an adult sd who has the mine of a fifteen year old.
so she does not like paying rent. since when does her opinion count? she is an adult.
you know you blew it by not setting rules from the get go, buy at least your dh has balls enough to demand rent. now add chores to the list.
she thinks she is family then treat her like family. have her vacuum dust do dishes or whatever.
you stated she is inconsiderate and greedy. is she helping to pay for groceries?
23 is the age around many young adults are graduating from college and getting jobs or furthering their education while working. in any case its time to leave the nest.
agree with the poster who said for you and spouse to set a move out date for sd.