Am I being unreasonable?
I'll try and keep this short. Last year my SD15 attempted suicide. She is now living with her father and doing remarkably well (I disengaged from her for my own sanity). Now my SS16 recently broke up wit his girlfriend and has become severely depressed. So much so that he has suicidal thoughts (posting pictures of suicide and statuses about dying). My partner and I have taken all the necessary steps to get him help, but nothing seems to be working (psychologists etc). So we had a family discussion which resulted in SS yelling at me and his mother and threatening that we'll now lose another child as he would be moving to his father. To which we responded that that is his decision and helped him pack. I also left the home for an hour or so as I could not handle the aggression and fighting. After I came back and everyone calmed down to a point he apologized (still not saying exactly why he is acting the way he is) and because it is my home I said that for the time being he is not allowed to be at home alone as he has been cutting and coupled with the constant suicidal thoughts I don't trust him on his own. Everyone agreed to this arrangement. So in the mornings before school we dropped him at his dad's and picked him up in the afternoon. This has been going well and my partner and I decided that from this week he could be alone in the mornings and afternoons, but that we would monitor it. My partner told me this morning that SS is sick and will be staying home for the entire day. I told her that I am not comfortable with this and that this was not the arrangement at all. We leave extremely early in the mornings. She then said to me "well do you want me to now wake him up at this hour and take him to his dad?", to which I responded that I couldn't get into this anymore. It is causing me severe anxiety. We have been fighting about this non-stop and I just cannot take it anymore. I feel like she is too afraid of SS throwing a tantrum than about sticking to what we discuss and decide on and tells me to just trust her and SS. I feel like our relationship just isn't a priority to her and it is taking its toll. I don't know if I am overreacting. Am I? Should I just disengage completely?
Yeah Sally life's been less
Yeah Sally life's been less than easy hehe. We've done all of that, we've talked and talked and painted pictures and been supportive the whole lot, but he persists in his actions. He might not value his life but I do and I will not play games or call bluffs when it comes to depression and suicidal thoughts / suicidal ideation. He did not even lose his virginity to this girl. His mother and I have done nothing but provide a loving, stable home. I just cannot trust someone on their own if their actions have shown nothing to warrant that trust. The issue here isn't trusting him or not, that will come with time, the issue is his mother not sticking to our joint decisions. We're having a relationship crisis of note because of SS and her inaction.
You don't sound calloused at
You don't sound calloused at all, I've been thinking the same thing. I think at the end of the day the best thing all step parents can do is disengage. Its better for the kids and its better for the adults. Well from my limited experience disengaging and from all that I've read online.