Feeling Frustrated When Stepkids Praise Deadbeat Bio Parent...
Lately my SD (4) has been praising her bio mother so much, it's almost all she talks about. I know she's young, and she only sees her mother 2-3 times a year because she's not very involved, but sometimes it's frustrating/hurtful when it's all I ever hear. I do everything for this girl, pay half the cost of raising her, and yet, if she asks for something and I say no, she'll say "my mommy will get it then." She'll even pick things up I've bought her (teddy bears, etc.) and say "my mommy got me this" and I tell her no, I did and she'll argue. It makes me wonder why I bother when I'll never get any of the credit...
I don't know, it just hurts. Her bio mother doesn't do anything, doesn't send money, it's all on us and I feel like saying your mommy doesn't pay for anything, she won't ever pay for anything, because she leaves it all to me! Of course I wouldn't, it's just discouraging. Anybody else have experience with this? Should I just ignore it? It's making me not want to take her out, buy her anything, or in general do anything for her... and I don't want to feel that way :/
I'm assuming it comes from
I'm assuming it comes from her mother. When she DOES see her mom, her mom lets her do whatever she wants, lets her eat junk food the whole time, gives her lots of candy, etc. Although it's only 2-3 times a year for a week at a time, I'm sure it causes some confusion as to why she's not allowed the same freedom at our house. It's sad, really, because it's clearly not doing her any good. We're working on getting her to understand treats are occasional - getting what she wants won't happen all the time, especially without good behaviour.
Haha, I don't pay for half of
Haha, I don't pay for half of everything. Her father pays all of daycare and any large expenses, but I pay for half of the cost of raising her as in groceries, birthdays, christmas, etc. because I don't mind. I do love my SD and if I'm being honest, I always figured I'd spoil my future kids, I just haven't had them yet so I like spoiling her a bit
It just hurts that she doesn't seem to appreciate it. It's more so the frustration of having mommy brought into it when mommy doesn't do shit for her, lol. It's almost like she's trying to get to me when she knows I do more of the "mommy" stuff than her mother does.
This has been happening to me
This has been happening to me since my SD13 was 4....I've been playing second fiddle to her fantasy that BM is the best thing since sliced bread. BUT, I've been a full time SM since SD was 4. I planned all the birthdays, Christmases, Easters, Tooth Fairies, EVERY THING...while BM did nothing. But still, SD refers to BM as the REAL mom while I'm just...well, I don't know what the hell I am to her. Just someone to use every now and then, I guess.
This is why I am so disengaged from this kid that it's not even funny. When she was 4, I did try because she was "only a child" but no matter what, they always want to be loyal to the roots of the BM who abandoned them. Don't try too hard. It's not worth it.
But, this is only my experience. Maybe some people have more successful STEP Stories. But I don't. I'm down to doing the bare minimum with my SD...
In a way, it has little to do
In a way, it has little to do with you being the SM. My kids barely see their dad, but the few hours each week/month he does see them, he manages to brainwash them enough to complicate things. The "barely parent" isn't making them do the things they don't want to do. They don't ever yell because they've asked the kid to do something 5 times and finally reached their limit. They don't have to fix healthy meals because they are eating ONE meal with them. They can spend a few dollars on them and it overshadows the HUNDREDS you spend on them every month. But I also have a bond with my kids and see how they really feel about their dad. It's hard for a sparent to have that bond and benefit from knowing the child more intimately. But I promise you, on some level the child can see and knows everything you do for him/her. They may never express it, but they know...