Exactly, no where did I say I did not love my SD, and in fact I told him I did love her but that attitude does take a toll. And he doesn't have my back and can't think that I say this without maliciousness and without trying to be hurtful. And yet he can say the meanest things to me. He can't stand back and see that it comes from a place of love. When are we going to address bad behavior and why do we keep taking it. DH does often misconstrue things but you know what bottom line is that he does need to give me the benefit of the doubt, and trust me and try to work it out. Instead of blowing his lid and then calling me names, which in itself is so much worse that me saying: I'm glad I don't have to deal with that for the next few days. Which he has said so himself. Did I even say anything malicious about SD? Or was I also just expressing myself that I am relieved I don't have to live in a stressful situation where I have to walk on eggshells in my own house trying to tolerate a teenager that isn't always nice to me. But no, since I am not a biological parent, I don't get to make that expression.

I'm not tolerating it. I'm done with this because it kept happening yesterday and often.

Thank you everyone!

double post

And yet I do love my SD. I just don't think bad behavior should be tolerated from her. And I guess that means not tolerating it from her father as well.

There is no getting out of this as a stepparent. We are never allowed to say anything that can come off as a criticism, even when I am just expressing myself. I could have said: whoa she's being a bitch. Which over the weekend when she was bad, I did say, oh my gosh that was bitchy behavior and then I asked DH to address it, which he never did.

But saying I'm glad I don't have to be around that for the next few days, that's a no no. Because it's hurtful.

Such a sad world of double standards. No wonder second marriages fall apart and step parents have a difficult time bonding with their step kids.

Actually. DH did agree that SD was being mean and snappish, it started when we got her from her mom's. We had a conversation about it and it wasn't a complaint. I kept asking DH to address that and tell her in a kind way that this isn't ok. My complaint about the initial behavior was "it was hurtful what she did and you should talk to her about it. ask her what's going on, why is she in a bad mood and tell her it's not ok to take your moods out on people." I kept asking him every day until he pushed it off to the last minute. He kept saying he agreed that he needed to talk to her about it but forgot every day. There were even two other things he needed to talk her about and he didn't do any of them. I told him that he should try to talk about it, he got defensive and he didn't like it and started yelling at me. So we had an argument over it because I didn't like him yelling at me. We talked after he was yelling at me and and was done being defensive. He felt bad and realized that the behavior couldn't be tolerated and part of it is that he needed to lay ground rules. So he did already go off on me and yelled at me when I brought up the subject of SD's behavior. He admitted that he needs to give her boundaries because he never talks to her about her behavior or corrects her when she's sulking, rolling her eyes and generally being rude. I told him I need to disengage and he got mad at me for doing that. I moved beyond all of that, got over the argument and his anger at me.

Unfortunately DH then raised the point in the car with SD while dropping her off. Which isn't ok in my book either because that's not fair to SD, the right way was to sit down and have a discussion in a kind and loving manner, not a short 5 minute car ride. I pointed out to him that what he did was not fair to her, that it's not conducive to a good discussion. He even agreed to that after getting over his defensiveness. Of course in response, SD got defensive and mad, she never gets reprimanded so yes she will not like it when her dad does this. She then later came by our place and didn't say hi, didn't talk to us, grabbed her stuff and then left without saying goodbye. He was shocked.

DH was even saying that her doing so was bad and that it shouldn't be tolerated and he needed to talk to her about it. He said that was inappropriate, complained about SD and then I said what I said. I wasn't complaining about her or degrading her, I was complaining about her behavior and I can totally see why my comment would hurt him. I even told him that, I said that I am sorry I said something that hurt him but I asked him to understand where I was coming from and not just get defensive. He's said exactly the same thing about her before. But it is also his responsibility as my partner to lean into me and know I wasn't being malicious and that I do love her. I was talking about her negative behavior. I would love to have here full time actually and I do love her that much. He's said before that he wants me to be exactly like a parent and that I have equal say. The way he treated me in the argument makes me feel that this isn't true and also too hard to even possibly true. And anyone, anyone, wouldn't want to keep being treated like the way SD was treating us.

I told DH that I love my SD, and that of course I want to be with her but I didn't want to be treated disrespectfully. DH gets very defensive so it was too late, he blew up at me, yelled at me and said I was fucking disgusting, fucking sad and told me to go run back to my mom. And no I am not tolerating the fact that he is calling me name. He wouldn't even apologize for it until I called him out several times on it.

So anyhow, my vent and frustration on this forum is because we as stepparents are not allowed to complain even if it's not malicious, and that we have to frequently take what the SK does, waiting for our partners to discipline them, but then our partners expects us to be all in. My problem isn't even with SD, how can anyone expect her to behave in a kind manner if she's never been told boundaries or have had consequences for treating someone poorly.

My problem is with my DH. Bottom line, yes DH shouldn't be treating me like that, and shouldn't be blowing up. Which is why last night after he yelled at me and called me names, I told him I am done and I am out and I don't need to be with anyone that treats me like this. DH not SD, I have had enough of his anger issues, the defensiveness and the double standards. No I don't believe that I deserve wrath, or that anyone deserves wrath. I believe in sitting down and talking about it. No matter what. And that in a partnership, you owe it to your partner to control your own emotions and give the other person the benefit of the doubt and talk it out. Respectfully, I disagree that I brought down his wrath.

You are right, I can't expect him to have the same values if I don't talk to him about it. And I don't expect us to agree on everything, he has a right to his opinions. End of the day, he has final say for how he wants to bring up his child. But you see, I did talk to him about it and he agreed. At which point, he was the one who decided that he wanted be the one to talk to her about it and not me. I have no problem talking to her about it and I do and I will. But if my DH says he will be the one to do that, then he is the one to do that. I am respecting my husband when he decides he wants to be the one that does it. I actually have been the one correcting my SD more and he lets me do that. But I also want him to have his share of the corrections, which is another thing we discussed and agreed on. He shies away a lot from doing that even though he says he should. And when I said we all should help to raise a child, I meant me and my DH. Every household is different.

I do take his feelings into consideration, which is why I support his decision and even apologized for hurting him even if I did not intend to. But the problem is this, he isn't taking my feelings into consideration when he gets angry at me and he starts calling me names. Anger is fine, sure, when it's expressed in a healthy way. When he is yelling at me and calling me names. No.

My husband does not have to share my values and beliefs, which is why we discuss things. We do read books together, talk and even did go to counselling. He agrees that her behavior is not tolerable. And he agrees that he should give her boundaries and consequences for those behaviors. There is no problem with that. We are on the same page with how she should be expected to behave. The problem is that he called me names and instantly got mad at me and defensive for something he has said about before himself. He also has no right to just resort automatically to being defensive, to call me names and not give me the benefit of the doubt that I was not meaning anything malicious. Yes, I do not like that current behavior of hers, her being mean to us. And that is temporary if we correct it. I do love her and I do like her. A lot. Believe it or not, SD and I have a good relationship but I am human and when I am treated badly, it does hurt. It is on me to correct her too, I agree, I usually do but DH wanted to.

But my Dh's treatment of me, that's the issue.

It's hard isn't it when people around you don't give you the benefit of the doubt. I told DH I wanted to disengage, not because of the kids but because of how he is and that I wanted him to do the parenting himself instead of resorting me to do it. He got mad at me initially, and then agreed that he hasn't been able to set boundaries and consequences. So he let me disengage. And I'm sticking to that from now on. Because I totally get you and felt how you felt, damned if I do, damned if I don't so I might as well take care of myself first. People do think of the kids, but few people consider the parents feelings, steps or not, and how it hurts and how hard it is to be vulnerable. And how for a lot of us, no matter what we do or say, there is always someone who can criticize it.

This whole process has made me really admire my parents who both treated all of us with no differences. It's actually a possibility. In fact, my mother cares for and lives for her own stepfather after her mother has passed.