Sensitive Child
SD6 and I are quite close. Steplife is very difficult, but not because SD6 is not a sweet girl. I’m blessed in that aspect. But I have noticed that SD6 is extremely sensitive to criticism, and I’m wondering how to handle that. I feel like she takes being corrected very personally, and it makes her feel extremely bad and guilty inside. I don’t want her to feel this extreme sense of guilt, but just want to be able to let her know that what she’s doing isn’t good behavior, and that we can’t do it. Here is an example:
I was reading a bedtime story to SD6 and she was not listening, and playing with her toys on the floor. I told her we stay in bed and listen for stories, but she still didn’t listen. I closed the book and said “Okay, you have chosen not to listen to the story tonight, so it’s time for bed. We’ll try again tomorrow night.” She started to cry. But she wasn’t upset about not getting a story. She was upset because “she was just so sorry”.
This has happened numerous times in the past. She typically doesn’t get so upset about losing something as she does about feeling guilty and upset about what she did. Anybody have any advice about how to help her learn that it’s okay to make mistakes and that I just want her to learn from them, not to feel so devastated by it?
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When my SS4 gets in trouble
When my SS4 gets in trouble (like today at school) he immediately response with "I love you". He also follows up any criticism with pouting duck lips. I'll just tell you they are NOT sorry they are just reacting to whichever way they are used to so they get out of trouble. I could tell him to stop doing something, he will apologize and pout THEN he will do it again. I will correct him again and he will say he's sorry and won't do it again or "I'll be good now". This is how he gets out of punishment with his mom, grandparents and strangers.
Yeah, ^^^this^^^ It's not
Yeah, ^^^this^^^
It's not that SD isn't sorry, or isn't sad, but that she plays it up because it elicits a reaction from you. Comforting, whatever.
So just make it no big deal - that's the best way to teach her anyways.
Same exact scenario (although I do suggest saying "here's your choice moment" so that you know you've been clear - and that her crying is more for show)... only when the waterworks come on you say, kindly but firmly and with a positive tone, "Aw, that's too bad, but it's time for bed now! Hop in, I'll tuck you in, then kisses and good night!" If she resists, say, "Ok lovey, I'm going to count to three. I hope you're in bed by the time I get to three so I can tuck you in, otherwise I'll just leave the room and you'll have to tuck yourself in. Ooooooonnnnnneeeeee, ttttwwwwwooooo...." and in the case of my DD, you won't have to get to three!
In the morning you can talk about it, "Hey, SD, remember last night when you weren't listening to the story and so I stopped reading? Do you remember that you didn't like that?" And see what she has to tell you about that.
You just kind of described ME
You just kind of described ME as both a child an adult. And you and others can call me nuts for mentioning this (especially if you google what I am about to tell you) and that is OK. Some of the info about this topic I don't buy and think it IS cray cray...but then some of it I believe is true.
During my first divorce, I saw a counselor. She moved out of state, but she was awesome. She told me she believes I am what is called an empath. You might google the word Empath and info about it (and take the cray cray with a grain of salt) and see if you find anything that helps you with relating to your SD. I haven't really found anything that HELPS me not be this way, but one thing I do is try to constantly read positive articles or books or images or quotes.
Is a comparable term "Highly
Is a comparable term "Highly Sensitive Person"?
Because there are tons of non-cray-cray materials about HSPs. They are the kind of person that upon entering a room can immediately tell you the 'emotions' of the room. They read emotions/feelings to the detriment of other kinds of interpersonal information.
And I stand by my first response - the best thing to do is to help an HSP kid learn that how they feel isn't the ONLY important thing going on. Not by minimizing or being dismissive (I find that disrespectful, personally) but by acknowledging the emotions going on, giving them a name and a place, and then moving on. Staying with the emotions longer than necessary encourages dwelling and cyclical thinking. IMHO, ofc.
Exactly this
Exactly this
Ha! Nice to get it right
Ha! Nice to get it right every now and then
And the SD may not be HSP or
And the SD may not be HSP or empath-like. Maybe she is really manipulative...but I thought like you it was worth giving her some possibilities....
Most kids that age are
Most kids that age are manipulative, not in an evil, planful sense, but it's kind of how they've adapted to get what they want. That's why parenting 'experts' go on and on about consistency - not because the rules should stay static, but because kids need to know what's happening/going to happen. Every now and then they will test boundaries, because they want reassurance that the boundaries are still there.
What I find works really well with my kid (DD1.5)is consistency, but with flexibility.
1. I tell her what's happening next at every change in activity, with a list of 3-4 things that are going to happen next, and I tell her this a few times starting 5-10 minutes before the change.
2. When she doesn't comply in a timely fashion (put your shoes on and she's gotten her umbrella instead and now is trying to open it and I've redirected her 2-3 times already) I start counting. "DD, it's time to put your shoes on. I'm going to count to three and I want to see you putting your shoes on. Otherwise I will put your shoes on for you. Ooooooonnnnneeeee...." Usually she drops everything to be able to do it herself!
3. She doesn't want to do what's asked - she wants to go outside to play, she doesn't want to come with me to get on the bicycle to go somewhere. I acknowledge her feelings and still insist that she does as she's asked. "Aw, you really want to go outside to play. You don't want to come with me on the bicycle. But we have to go on the bicycle, we're going to see Oma! (pause, sometimes this is enough) Would you like to walk by yourself to the bicycle or would you like me to carry you? (pause, again, sometimes this is enough) Ok, I'll count to three and if you aren't on your way, I'll come and carry you. Ooooonnnnnneeee...."
4. She does something that she KNOWS is against the rules. Standing on furniture, being too aggressive with the cat (oooh, is this ever a tough one!), throwing food on the floor, hitting, and when we are in a particular location 1x week she can run outside, this is a HUGE no-no - then she is immediately put somewhere away from the fun where she is not able to do anything interesting for 1.5 minutes (stb 2 minutes as she's just about 21 months). Like, in the high chair facing away from everyone. I tell her why she's there, that what she did is not allowed, and how long she must stay there. Then when I get her out, I tell her again why she's there, that it's not allowed, and that I want her to say sorry. Then I say, "Hugs, kisses and a fresh start!" and I truly drop it. (Can be hard. There was a poop-cident today that I am having difficulty letting go of, for example).
Thanks for the responses! At
Thanks for the responses! At first, I really thought she was just doing it to get out of trouble. After watching the behavior for the last couple years, I just feel it's something beyond that. I've seen kids do this to get out of trouble, and I've seen HER do things to get out of trouble. But there are certain things that really trigger a strong response from her when she thinks I am upset with her. She'll no longer be in trouble, and a day will go by and we will be sitting there and she'll look at me and say "I really am sorry about what I did." And she's teary eyed over it. Only after lots of reassurance that I'm not angry and I still love her does she start to cheer up.
I truly understand what
I truly understand what you're saying. I think you're right, I agree she is not being manipulative to get out of trouble. But she knows how to get a lot of reassurance and declarations of love from you.
So what I would start looking at is not the specific instance that she focusses on as a trigger, but looking at the need that she's looking to get met.
She's 6. She's using negative means to get attention. It's a successful tactic.
Some kids, you just can't fill up. You can't be positive and loving enough because for reasons that have nothing to do with you, they are always running on empty and always needing more. Is that the case with your SD?
Or are you and DH the kind of people that tend not to say positive things out loud? Or tend not to extrapolate and make general positive statements based on current behaviour? Because that you can practice.
Or is this more an in-the-moment thing? Maybe SD just wants some loving and she doesn't have other tools to ask for it. Can you and DH model asking for and receiving TLC?
I get what you are saying. I
I get what you are saying. I think before me, she did not typically get a lot of reassurance of love. She gets a good deal from her dad now, and I am a very affectionate person, so she is showered with love and attention from me. Which usually is just fine with her, except for the occasions (which are not frequent) where she feels she is in trouble. Then she tells me she worries I will stop loving her. I don't know what I have done to make her worry about that.
Well, have some conversations
Well, have some conversations about love.
Ask her about people she loves/loved. Is her experience of love relatively permanent?
Talk to her about moods. Even when she's angry at you, you know she still loves you. Even when you're too busy to listen right now, she knows you still love her.
Talk about ways that she shows her love. Have her think of ways people in her life show love.
This is a really great opportunity to teach her the attitudes toward love and relationships that will be the foundation for her adult friendships and partnerships. What do you value? Why? Think about it, and put it into kid-terms to talk about.
For me, I think people need to love themselves first. Then any extra love they share. So I'd look at teaching that lesson because I think it would protect my kid from getting in too deep in a bad relationship.
ETA: I highly doubt you've done anything to make her feel that your love for her is insecure. I think she's got low self-esteem, which makes her think that other people's affection for her is based on what she does/acheives and not on her just being near. I struggle with that myself, which is always suprising for my husband who is just happy I sit next to him on the sofa, he truly doesn't care what I made for dinner. Yet I'll have a hissy if it didn't turn out right, because my entire sense of self is now hanging in the balance....
my dad counteracted my
my dad counteracted my sensitivity by his pure, unemotional logic. he didnt do it intentionally, it's just his nature. but it helped me tremendously. time and maturity also help. now i've got much better control over it and can switch "off" when needed.
think of two pms'ing teenagers. "i'm sorry i hurt you!" "no i'm sorry you feel bad for hurting me!" "now i'm sorry u're sorry that i'm sorry for hurting you!" and they both end up escalating into a great sobbing jag with the Ugly Cry. trust me, she picks up your emotional response- she can see it in your eyes and absorb it from your energy, and it does neither one of you any good.
give her a warning along with the potential consequence. if she still chooses to not listen, mete out the consequence just totally matter of fact. then give her a hug and a kiss and move on. you started off great last night. u're on the right track. next time she starts with the crying and saying she feels bad, say "that's ok to feel bad, just use it help you choose differently tomorrow when we try again. this is how we learn. g'nite, love ya, see ya in the morning!!"