In your opinion, is it mandatory to have a close relationship with your adult skid ?
I mean, really....
The small circle of friends I associate with in my adult life today, is a far cry from the quantity of 'friends' I had years ago. That's not due to any other reason but for the fact that I am so done with bullshit at this point in my life, and pretending to like someone that I just DON'T is no longer a path I choose to take ! I cannot nor will I accept anyone in my life that I don't have respect for, and that includes the SD.
This is where the subject of my post comes into play. From the very short time I've spent on this site, I can't tell you how much comfort it has given me to know that I am not the only one who has the feelings that I do. I thought I was some sort of monster for feeling the way I did about her, and that my effort should have been 10x more than with anyone else because of our association with one another. The fact of the matter is that there is no special treatment for someone that refers to you as 'she' or her'. There is no extra effort made for someone who alienates you and doesn't acknowledge your existence, even in YOUR own home, and there are no concessions made for a spoiled brat who has only ever been able to convince her daddy that she isn't capable of mean spirited or vengeful tactics.....and as long as the SD and her dad come to the acceptance that this is the way it shall remain until efforts are made on their part to acknowledge and change the behavior that exists, then my life remains uncomplicated, non-confrontational, drama free and happy !
Adult skids are best ignored
Adult skids are best ignored if they are asses.
No, it's not mandatory. I
No, it's not mandatory.
I have been in my SD's life since she was 5, she is now 24, and I really have no relationship with her. I don't hate her but I have no respect for her and no desire to include her in my life. She expects everybody, except herself, to financially support her and her 2 kids and I just can't get on board with that.
Nope, not mandatory. I also
Nope, not mandatory. I also have zero to do with my SD's (39 & 32 years old). They are neither my daughters or my friend. They spent many years alienating me so now I just dont care to associate with them.
Your post is worded well. I
Your post is worded well. I was a very naive young person when I got involved with my husband who had custody of his sons. The boys liked me at first, then bio mom found out that her ex was dating....she left, remarried and had another child but my presence made hr want "her" boys back and she could not let them love or accept me, her influence on the boys was negative. Then when we told the boys we were getting married, WWlll broke out. I felt I was empathetic and understanding, I felt I was patient and really I did want what was best for the boys and was looking out for their best interest. As they grew into hate-filled adults that were speaking ill, making up lies about things I had said or done it changed my feelings towards hem and the empathy I was had for them. Today I have no relationship with them and just recently when I was singled out and pointedly excluded from attending one of their weddings that was the end for me. Up until this point I thought with maturity there could be mending for our family. They can't see their own actions, I have become their target for blame.
I have never been one to expect an apology from anyone, just have never believed in living that way. However, the only way I will ever have anything to do with them or their wives is with an apology. They need to own their own garbage. I am not the person they have made me out to be, they cannot look in the mirror and identify with themselves.
Done!!!
AVR1962 can I relate to the
AVR1962 can I relate to the words you have written. My SS40 and his wife apparently invited SS40 brother and family to their new $300,000.00 home so when they got there younger brother called my DH and invited him to drive the one way 2 hrs to visit. Of course he would, they all have his gchildren which he hadn't seen since early spring because nobody ever visits him. No invite for dear old step mom. I, too, am sick of it. SS40 has a very vicious wife, high $ narcissist female who tells lies about me to everyone, even my own family (most don't believe because she has revealed herself to them)but really gives her mother the low down about me that when I see her in our small town she quickly turns her head and walks the other way. Other family members of hers does my BD that way, she just laughs and goes on or deliberately runs into them and speaks and they just growl.lol Wish I could let it roll of like that but it infuriates me for them to treat her like that because I know for a fact, all my daughter has done is tell the truth and "The truth shall set you free".
No, no, and no. I don't like
No, no, and no. I don't like anything step or half. Period.
A.
Absolutely NOT mandatory.
Absolutely NOT mandatory.
Hahaha,
Hahaha, keepitsimplestupid.......
Of COURSE you can !
I am, quite literally, living
I am, quite literally, living in 2 different worlds right now.
In my home, lives my fiancé, myself and my 17 year old BD and 20 year old BS (part time for them, mind you)
The relationship that my kids share with my man, is undeniably amazing. My kids respect and adore the hell out of him , and the feeling is quite mutual. Why ? Because my children's dad and I raised them to be confident but not cocky, respectful to a fault and accepting of everyone (without compromise or until they f*&^ you over)...lol
It's not just their response to how well he treats me, but most importantly, to how he treats them. In fact, I would go so far as to say that his relationship with my kids is stronger and healthier than the one he has with either of his adult 'children'. All of this due to what each one of them brings to the table, which is nothing.
In my other world, lives a self-indulgent, self-righteous and disrespectful 25 year old SD (who loves Superman, so I mentally refer to her as Super Bitch) whose life goal is to create as many wedges and put as many obstacles as possible in the way of her dad and I having a viable and healthy relationship. The last incident nearly cost her dad his relationship with me...THAT'S how serious I am about how non-negotiable the level of respect needs to be.
Although I have her out of my life temporarily, (HER decision to not come around anymore) I know for a fact that I haven't seen or heard the last of her. (read my other blog if you'd like to get a better idea of what happened here)
My goal between now and her next intrusion, is to convince her dad that he either accepts that I will not have a relationship with her, period, until she grows up and takes ownus for her behavior, and that any future disrespect of me is going to be called out immediately to her. The topic of the SD25 has been mute for several weeks now, so I can only hope that I won't even need to have a further conversation with him about her.
Oh no, beaccountable, my SD
Oh no, beaccountable, my SD is far from 'kind, sweet, respectful and an overall good person'.
My very first blog about her explains the type of antics she's capable of.
On the flip side though, his son IS 'kind, sweet, respectful and an overall good person' and I ADORE him.....a fact that his dad is very well aware of, so this is not a 'because they're your kids and not mine' scenario, nor is it, on my part anyway, anything to do with the 'alpha females' in his life (as her dad refers to us)it's ALL about one's capability of being a decent, gracious and likeable human being.
You described my SD to a tee,
You described my SD to a tee, "mean spirited or vengeful", plus treating me as if I was invisible most of the time. After 20+ years of kissing her butt and pretending to like her I came to my senses. I have nothing to do with her and have no intention of resuming communications unless DH can tell her in front of me that she is to respect me as his wife. Her Dad is free to see her almost any time he wants. It has been almost 5 years since I've seen her and I have never felt a loss. The more time that passes, the more thankful I am for taking a stand and standing up for myself.
You have no biological connection to SD, and with her attitude it would be impossible to create any kind of emotional attachment. If you met a person tomorrow who treated you like your SD, would you continue the relationship? Is it mandatory to welcome abuse like that and become a masochist? Not for the average person.
I am also at a point in my
I am also at a point in my life where there's no room for pretense or games. The two biggest mistakes I've made in my marriage were trying too hard with the skids, and trying too hard with the in-laws.
If a person, any person, doesn't demonstrate loyalty and concern for you, why allow them in your life?
You seem to have clarity and firm boundaries, and I admire that. Don't accept pressure from anyone who thinks pressure is the only way to get what they want.
People always say "don't
People always say "don't expect your partner to choose between you and their kids", and I don't want it to come across that I expect that of him, in any way, shape or form. What I DO expect though, is that he be of the understanding that the days of being made to feel like an intrusion in their relationship while she's in our home, are over. I've even thought of just going out when I know she's going to be here, but common sense quickly takes over and says "Yeah, not. The last thing she needs is to feel like she's got power over me"
The blessing is that her visits have always been few and far between, and hopefully now, nonexistent. The thing that kills me though, is that during one of our arguments about her, I strongly suggested that she not be welcomed back here again because I wasn't going to stand to be put through her abuse even one more time, and that was met with a resounding "That's not gonna happen"....YET......he has not made a single trip to HER house in over 5 months, where not only could he see his grandson and his son as well, but he could spare me the trauma of having to be in her company. I just don't get it. She wins the guilt game of not seeing him often enough, but the visits have to be here ??? WHY ????
Because a lot of these guys
Because a lot of these guys are actually frightened of their own children (and BM), so to speak, and don't want to or can't admit it. They want you around as a buffer, so if you ain't going, they find a excuse to not go either. This is where oftentimes DH will try to guilt you into going. I read on one blog and have heard from this from SKs before, where they were complaining about how bad SM was because she hogged all of dad's time, and how dare she. They have no realization that a) This has nothing to do with SM. Dad is a man and an adult, hopefully, and he should be well capable of setting up his own time on his own schedule to be with his own children. And, b) At least some of these men, unfortunately, are terrified to be around their own children alone--they don't feel they know or can relate to them any more than SM! Of couse, in the backwards SM world, SM gets blamed for all of this.
^^^Well put. Buffer, human
^^^Well put.
Buffer, human shield, call it what you will. It is certainly a truth that some of us are married to men who hide behind our skirts. We are then blamed for any and all ills: Doing too much, not doing enough, trying to replace the BM, trying to take over, trying to keep H from the kids. The only winnable solution is to not be involved in the first place.
You NAILED it! That is
You NAILED it! That is exactly how it is in my situation and I have seen it too many times with other blended families. It is precisely the DH's inability to act and set appropriate boundaries for BM and skids, that leads to the villainization of SM. Well it must be her fault, DH is always so sweet and non-confrontational. And it's always SM that makes us pick up all our crap of the floor, not him!! Well she must be EVIL!!! To my DH, I tell him, grow some kahunas buddy. Don't want you cowering behind me for the rest of your life.
I could have written your
I could have written your post myself. Major life events really show you who your true friends are. I let got of about 90% of the people who claimed to be supportive "friends" after my divorce. Whispers, rumors and accusations by "friends" always get back to you. Then my father passed and the family went crazy fighting over meager possessions (no cars, no property) and the few thousand dollars he had to his name from saved disability checks. Besides my children and Dh there are literally a handful of people I purposefully associate with and even then I don't "overshare" like I used to.
I had the starry-eyed idea of getting a new family when I married DH. Thought it would be a piece of cake being good friends with his adult sons. I could not have been more wrong! Like exjulie I tried too hard, I also tried to hard with new MIL as well. Skids didn't want a friend, they wanted someone they could use and manipulate. Since I wasn't allowing our home to be a party/flop pad I was evil, we can't be your ATM...evil. No, I'm not your on call nanny...evil. No MIL, DH cannot keep giving you loans and buy you a new water heater, we are paying off our own debts! No I cannot take you shopping all day every Saturday...evil.
Those who do not live the Step life have little to no understanding of the dynamics that go on with adult skids. You don't have a relationship with adult skid?! *gasp* You MUST be an evil stepmother. It's always the SM's fault, never the skids. Thanks Disney.
And I can only relate all too
And I can only relate all too well to when you referenced letting go of friends after your divorce, except in my case, they let go of me because of my ex showing up on their door steps writhing in emotional pain over me leaving him. They felt they had to 'choose' between us, even though we literally met all these supposed friends years earlier on the exact same day as the other. That took some time to get over, but once I had forgiven them for what they did, I was at peace with their decision, and my life was better off without them.
Do we all have the same SD?
Do we all have the same SD? Mine has treated me with disrespect from the first day that I met her. She is 33 years old, married, with a child. Time to grow up. She hates the fact that her father is happy with me. She was the only one of our 6 combined adult kids that wasn't happy that we got married a couple of years ago. She came to the wedding, pouted the whole night, left early, and never said a thing to me while there. She also treats her father crappy unless she wants something. I can't stand her and wouldn't mind if I ever saw her again. I actually feel sick to my stomach if I know she's coming over to our house, which thankfully isn't very often. My husband sees her behavior but never says anything to her about it. She still acts like Daddy's little girl instead of a grown woman. I'm learning to disengage from her. On the other hand, my kids treat my husband with nothing but respect. I wish I got the same treatment from his kids.
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Wow, JLRB !! You feel sick to
Wow, JLRB !! You feel sick to your stomach on those infrequent visits too ???? Misery certainly does love company !
I have TRIED to tell myself "just be grateful that she only graces you with her presence less than a handful of times per year" but it doesn't do any good. One time is one time too many to be disrespected in your own home, or ANYWHERE for that matter.
I'd like to know how all your
I'd like to know how all your husbands deal with you not associating with their spawn. Mine just can't take it. I have ISSUES he thinks. Defends his daughters. Pouts, gets mad at me.
Yes, you DO have issues, they
Yes, you DO have issues, they are valid and they are justified. He can get mad all he wants but HE has the choice of resolving these issues with mutual respect in mind.
I have four skids. The
I have four skids. The youngest, a 22 y/o SD, is my heart. She has her issues (she's estranged from dad, but has agreed twice to come to our home) but she knows that she can talk to me. My oldest SS and SDIL are very nice people. No complaints. My 32 y/o SS? I. CANT. STAND. HIM. He's a a-social gun-nut loner who is, truly, mentally ill. He's a closet alcoholic and uses the daylights out of his dad. He almost broke up our (fairly new) marriage. I am in TOTAL disconnect from him.
I'm afraid of him, he reminds me far too much of those people who lose their shit one day and shoot up a theater or a school. I've already told him AND his dad that if he comes to my home (I own it) I will call the police. He's not allowed near me OR my kids. Everyone in the family enables him, "That's just the way he is... :sick: "...I am SO SICK of hearing that! Get him some HELP! Even though my specialty is behavioral health and addictions, I couldn't POSSIBLY be right about sonny boy (Daddy is in MAJOR denial)
His younger brother is the family mascot...only one to graduate college, has a career, a sweet wife and a baby on the way in December. I like them both and am CRAZY about the S-DIL...but the SS (I think) is resentful b/c of how I feel about his "big brother". What kind of relationship I have with HIM is up for grabs...I'm respecting his boundaries. I hope they'll let me be around the baby, but as they live out of state (SC), it's hard to tell.
My CH (current husband, my boys' father died in 2008) and my three teenage sons, 15, 16 and 17 (No, don't groan...they are good, sweet, respectful kids who eat me out of house and home-*snort!*)get along VERY well. But...that is b/c I WORKED to make it that way. CH hit the "step-father lottery"...I wish he was more cognizant of it or even a little more grateful-*sigh*)
I don't believe they will EVER have a problem. CH has taught them to be better about picking up around the house, and he is teaching them the "handy" stuff that their late father (an academic) and I (an RN) could not teach them.
I raised my boys strict and with a real respect for women...my CH was a lousy husband and father in his younger days and had misogynistic tendencies until I beat them out of him (j/k!!!)and doesn't communicate well. So...when he tries to say anything about MINE I remind him of HIS. Most of the time we can do all this in good humor, but, baby, it ain't easy!!!!!
My mantra is that no one
My mantra is that no one should have to put up with horrible adults in their life. Doesn't matter whether they are your own children, skids, parents, other relatives, "friends", etc.
I've often had to deal with a boss or a partner who was an asshole for awhile but I managed to get out of the situation eventually.
I am so glad that I am financially independent and own my own home (3 to be precise). I would welcome SS30 if he were a decent human being - but he is not. I used to wish that I would remarry someone where I could have grandkids since I have no children. But I have NO desire to even meet SS's spawn.
SS is never rude or awful to me. What I cannot tolerate is how he treats others. He adores my money and lifestyle and wants to glom on. SS is a disgusting alcoholic who physically abuses women and the elderly. Who cares if he is nice to me? He's still an ass.
Fortunately for me my DH is aware of SS's issues. He so wants to believe that SS is turning his life around - but he does not force this fantasy on me.
I hoped for more of a
I hoped for more of a relationship, but you cannot make it happen when you are the only who wants it. I am polite when they are around, and when they want to talk about things which is not frequent, I am happy to have the conversation.
Like you too old for nonsense, and bending over backwards for someone who does not want more than a surface relationship with me.
I like my world small too, and I like all that is in it to be real. I let my spouse have all of his interactions and drama himself, and no one can ever honesty say that I interfered in the relationship. It is better for us all that way. Even with this attitude we still have our share of issues over the subject!
Enjoy your life, for it sounds like a good one!
You sound so much like me.
You sound so much like me. 30 yrs of marriage, but toxic DIL who is so above everyone and thinks she should have an engraved invitation just to come to my house for holidays. Calls me the hostess who doesn't even invite step son. His dad has always called him to let him know everything that is going on at our house. He has never been left out of anything except when in military overseas (then I would mail letters telling everything that happened). Been with us since 12 yrs of age because he knew his BM didn't want him, only brother that was 3 yrs younger. He was jealous of me when first moved in but over the years we seemed to work things out. Never one real problem until he married Miss Drama Queen and now no peace in our life. She literally hates me and my daughter by a former marriage. Wouldn't even invite her to their little girls lst bday party. How rude! My DH will not stand up to either of them because he is afraid they will not let him see grandchildren since they won't let me. They have all at once, after lst child was born 5 yr ago, decided I don't won't their children in my home. I am so tired of them talking behind my back and not to my face. She even runs to my niece in law and tells her terrible things about us and the problem is she believes it apparently, but would never tell me what she says, however, my brother has given me bits and pieces.
I just want some peace. Doctor doubled my antidepressant yesterday telling me there are a lot of people in the world like her and he usually just breaks ties and makes a really big difference.
"Doctor doubled my
"Doctor doubled my antidepressant yesterday telling me there are a lot of people in the world like her and he usually just breaks ties and makes a really big difference." That was my only choice with my toxic SD. It made the biggest, positive difference in my life! She did the same things your DIL does - and it only worsened with time. Many SMs can deal with being around Skids but not reacting in any way to them, allowing DH to deal with the B.S. When I did this, SD and her husband upped the spiteful, nasty games. So I had to break ties, telling DH that when he informs SD in front of me that she is to respect me in my home she will be allowed to cross the doorstep. We do not talk abut SD. I don't ask. DH can visit SD almost any time he wants, just not with me.
I used to think it was
I used to think it was mandatory, that because I married dh when his children were already grown and on their own, that we wouldn't have any problems. Boy, was I WRONG!
I like dh's son. He isn't perfect, but he's likeable and is considerate of me.
Dh's daughter, on the other hand, I've never liked and she's never liked me. I've always tried to treat her like my own daughter, but once I saw her true claws come out last year, no more.
I want nothing to do with her, and will not be attending any more "family" get togethers with her. Dh can go and have a good time. I'll stay home.
If she stops by our house, I'll be as civil as possible, unless she isn't. But that's as far as it will go.
Likability goes such a long
Likability goes such a long way, doesn't it? And consideration is a bonus with CODs.
Well my brother and his
Well my brother and his family love my SS and just want us to put our differences aside and go on but they were not the one that was screamed at by SS and called names and treated like 3rd class citizen in my own home. He did apologize months later over the phone while I was at my DH bedside in ER while he was having chest pains partly because of SS and DIL. I said "ok" and hung up, did not have time for that but he knew he was coming to hosp. next day and would have to face me. I'm not even sure he was sincere but God know his heart. DIL never showed and I truly don't care if I ever see her again. I need answers from SS about the things he yelled and accused me of and he will have to answer my questions before I can ever begin to heal. DIL, on the other hand, has gone all over town telling people what a horrible person I am, even my own family, as well as my daughter and she will never be welcomed back into my home and I hope she never attempts to show her face. She is a high dollar gal who thinks she is so much better than most people..of course, calls herself a Christian. I really can't imagine she would have the nerve to show during the holidays but she is a horse of a different color in my book and the original "Gone Girl" with her narcissistic personality.
I have two adult stepchildren
I have two adult stepchildren and my relationships with them couldn't be more different. I was widowed from my first husband and his son lives on our street. We are very close. His wife just died and it felt like I lost a daughter I loved her so much.
My stepdaughter from my second marriage is another story altogether, as I recently described, she told me she's always hated me and called me a c'@&.
What's the difference? I think it has to do with their mothers. My stepson's mother is a loving caring woman. We celebrate Christmas together as a family. It feels like she is a sister to me. My step daughter's mother was a mess, alcoholic, bitter, PAS all the way.