Pick a better man?

Maybe I am getting less tolerant in my 'better' years but I would not put up with this. Actually I used to because I didn't want to rock the boat. I didn't want to be the evil stepmother. I fumed and quietly grew angrier and angrier. I didn't say a word to DH but just made myself an unhappy person. One day DH asked me what was wrong (here is the difference between your DH and mine). I let it out. Every stupid self centred dumb-boy arse stupid 'joke that was not suitable to say in front of their stepmother' television hugging food crumbs, drink stains. Grrr!

DH sat me down and told me that he and the boys had got into this pattern of living. Hell his ex allowed them to do what they liked. Actually she nagged about chores, they tuned her out and she did the chores anyway. I told him I cannot live like this. Kids get up and give their parents the better seats (aka DHs recliner). They do not swing on their chairs at dinner. Hats off at the dinner table. And no hogging the TV especially for re-runs. It took some time but DH learned that if he wanted me to stay around things would have to change for the better. It helped having his mother on my side as well }:)
I don't know how to get it through to your DH. I just know I would stay out all night and one extra night after she had returned to BM. See, staying away while she is there doesn't really register because SD is there as well. But an extra night or two of being alone he may get a clue.

In my case the boys were not initially happy but I was fair. I told them there were certain shows I wanted to see at xyz time and I would have the TV during those times. Hats off at the dinner table would not have them burn in hell. Drinks have coasters, you know, the things you bought Dad for Fathers Day. Luckily my DH supported me and made me feel like he and I were in charge and not the kids.

First of all. NEVER, EVER clean her room! She is old enough to do it and her Dad should be making her clean it.

Secondly, go out when she's there. Take yourself out for a movie night..night out with friends..anything..and leave them to "hang out". When she's on the phone with her friends and wants to chat to you..walk away..far..far away so you can't hear her.

You take your power back by doing your own thing. Don't be the babysitter, cleaner, cook - nothing. You focus on doing what you like and leave them to it. Your DH is going to notice that you're doing things without him and he's not gonna like it. Let him know that until he parents his child and gets her to do her chores etc..you won't be there. Let him know that your respect for him is diminishing each and every time he spoils her.

Lastly..no nookie for him until he puts on his big boy pants and starts to be a parent to her.

Ok.

So, was there something in particular you wanted to watch while they were in there? You give them a little time (maybe two eps if it's a half hour show) - during that time you go in and say "hi, I'd like to watch "blah" at 6.pm, so I'll leave you two to it til then but would appreciate my show being turned on when I come in" then find something to do in the meantime. (only ask about particular show so it doesn't seem as though you are being petty - if OH knows you like blah then he will (hopefully) be reasonable) Even if there's not something in particular, if they have an issue with you wanting to change channels say "No, I have been reasonable and fair, you've watched two eps of this and it IS a re-run; I'd like to sit and watch something that is more interesting and it is my home too."

Re the bedroom, don't help. I get why you did - but don't. Worse case scenario, your dad comes to visit, her room is a mess and he comments on it and you say "yes, that's SD's room, husband has asked her many times to clean it but she hasn't - parenting these days is SO different than when I was a kid hey dad, you'd never have let me get away with that *light laughter*"

Sd having loud phone calls in front of you? "Excuse me SD please take that to your bedroom it's very rude to take phone calls in front of other people like that, keep it short or chat in your room please so you are not being inconsiderate to the other people in the room"

(sd - "oh but such-and-such says hi, how are you"
"tell her I'm great thanks but please do it in your room!")

Take back control by addressing the issues every time if your OH can't see it. If he takes issue tell him "well if you would teach her this stuff I wouldn't have to, really I'd prefer not to as I am not her parent, but someone has to and I will not be disrespected in my own home!"

^^^^^^ THIS ^^^^^^^^ from Luchay!

I had to let sd know that I WAS THE WOMAN of the house, who had just gotten home from a 8 hour day and a 1 hour commute-each day.
She would then go into the den and watch tv in there but only after I got home. When I got home, she was in MY RECLINER/EZ BOY rocker, watching the big tv in the living room and her dad was out in the yard, or on the porch drinking beer.
This Disney land parenting is really going to ruin this country.

Be fair, but firm.
and NO, you are not wrong to actually expect them to comply with your wishes. after all, it IS YOUR home too!

I let things go too long and now I am moving out and so/dh will be left alone, unless of course sd comes back to visit BEFORE the school year starts, and then, she plans to attend school on the other side of the mountains(5 hours away) at her BM's because now her grades and attendance are up and supposedly her and her mom get along great now!
Riiiiigghhtt!
Good luck with that you dumb effing s/o.

sorry, I stole your vent! my bad.
I guess I'm still pretty angry and hurt myself.

DONT LET THEM GET AWAY WITH IT if you want to stay with DH. it will drive a wedge between you.

GOOD LUCK!!!!