Tell me how to deal with a BM that undermines the authority in your home
SS13 has been grounded for poor grades. We took away his cell phone. BM apparently buys him a cell(go phone) this past weekend and he sneaks it into our house. Mind you SS lives full time with DH and me. My Biodaughter brought it to my attention tonight that SS has a cell. I took it away. Bad grades, no phone. SD11 says SS13 has that phone from my BM so he can have his privacy. What I'm pissed about is the fact that SS13 knew that he was grounded and BM knew we took his(the one we pay for) cell away for poor grades. Now why would BM go out and buy SS and phone and let him bring it here?????(sarcastic) So she could be the good guy, right? It's basically saying to hell with your rules. I can do what I want. BM has in the past complained about not being more involved in her kids lives.(her choice not mine) I have backed off alot. She doesn't take the reins. She continually proves her incompetince. But when it comes to trying to make me and DH look like villians she so good at it.
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Okay alwaysthemom, I would
Okay alwaysthemom, I would be fuming mad too but first I must ask... Did BM know that SSs phone was taking away before hand, therefore, know an alternative way to get hold of SS?
If this is the case, its very possible in her eyes that you may have attempted to cut-off all contact from her son.
If not then disregard what I said but be careful about taking away means of contact. It could be considered contempt.
Queen of afterthought. Is it
Queen of afterthought. Is it possible BM didn't know SS was restricted from his phone. My son is 12 and is getting caught playing sides. IE...he tells his dad he has no lunch money then gets 20 bucks meanwhile I have a lunch account set up for him. Sneaky lil booger.
So I've obviously got off topic. This post was about undermining BM(XH)...lol I'm an insomniac tonight so I'll proceed.
So far BM hasn't pulled anything then again SD isn't really with us that much. EOW and a dinner during the week. And she's only 6. My DH will punish SD but by other means. Given her age its something instantaneous and short-lived.
Now from other side of X fence I would say that yes-sometimes XH undermines but its from the lack of attention and not wanting to enforce rules. He breaks his own rules all the time...get my drift? So I have found alternative means to punish my children. So far I haven't had to do anything but a lecture. They don't like me mad
SD doesn't get my wrath...that's left up to DH. She's a very lucky girl...lol
Since your SS lives with you full time I'd take things away like his bedroom door (my favorite }:) ). Or serve him cold food or nothing cooked which means very little in the meat department and big time in the veggie department...lol Give him more chores to do on the weekend. It won't interrupt his much needed studying
Kay, it's very simple. Your
Kay, it's very simple. Your home rules apply in your home and need to have specific consequences. The BM can buy as many phones as she wants. You need to sit down and discuss this with your husband and make sure you are on the same page about the rules. Then your H needs to talk to BM and explain that giving her S a cell phone undermines and violates your house rules. If losing his cell privileges is a consequence in your household, continue to enforce the rule and confiscate how ever many phones BM throws at him. If you find that after taking away his phone he gets another one and is flouting your rules, then confiscate that phone and add another consequence such as the excellent bedroom door removal one, or having him clean all the house bathrooms until they are cleaned to your standards. Have him do all the family laundry. Have him sit down with you and pay the family bills with you so that he knows how much work it takes to make money to pay for the roof over his head and the food in his stomach. A possible compromise with your SS could be that when he's not grounded, he can have no cell phone use in the house and can be given the phone when he leaves your home for school or with friends and when he returns, he passes it to either you or H for the time he remains in your home.
If it's mainly the issue that the BM is trying to countermand you and subvert your authority (highly likely), the best thing is to meet up with her, either your H or both your H and you and calmly and clearly tell her that her behavior with the phones is undermining your house rules-the house rules of the home that SS lives in. Inform her that all phones she gives to SS when he is grounded will be confiscated and that her actions of ignoring and disrespecting your family home rules will actually result in her son losing other privileges, such as having the privacy of a bedroom door, etc...
This woman really sounds like she is overstepping her boundaries and it needs to be nipped in the bud SOON!
Good Luck!!!
"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde
DH called BM today about it.
DH called BM today about it. She knew he had is phone taken away, but thought it was for another reason. So there you go. DH basically excused BM because she didn't know the exact reason his phone was taken away. To me...regardless of why she shouldn't have allowed him to bring it here. BM told DH she gave the phone to SS13 cause he got mad and whined to her when she told him no the first time. But get this, the whole time DH is shaking his head and when he gets off the phone with BM says to me...she such a dumba** and that's all bullsh*t. I guess she thinks I'm stupid. I was like wait a minute why didn't you tell her that. No instead of directing his feelinds to BM he let her manipulate the situation. Figures!!!!!
Parent, It's a verb, not a noun.