I would like to see my husband take a stand with his son as I feel if he does not this will only encourage the boys to continue their hurtful actions towards me.

My husband has had a hard time accepting that the boys actually molested and sexually abused my daughters. In the case of the younger boy and younger girl he knew the boy was lying and the boys never has admitted to anything but apologized for anything he did even though he had no memory, get that! The two oldest were the more long lasting and more difficult situation and husband believes that this started as mutual interest that ended up with my daughter no longer being interested and then tried to stop it. Which, perhaps might be the case, but there has been no resolve and part of this in my opinion lies on my husband's shoulders. He has never taken the initiative to resolve anything, stand up to anything and as you can imagine I have received little/to no support from him.

We didn't have any cross words last night. Our 18 years old wanted to watch a movie and we had been waiting on him. I went in the bedroom to see if he was interested, this is like 8:30, and he is in his pjs ready for bed, says he is not interested and then went to bed and shut the door, nothing said. This morn he was out the door at 7 a.m., a half hour before he normally leaves.

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I am really trying to focus. Your ideas are wonderful, thanks! I might have to plan a special trip for myself. I wonder if a cruise with friends is too much, lol! I ahve always wanted to see Alaska!!

Oh yeah, inlaws know. At the time this came out I was questioning my daughters as I wanted to be sure of what happened and I spent a great deal of time talking to them separately and I got much of the same story from each girl and neither knew what had happened to the other. The boys wanted to play games with them and it is eerie to realize how similar the games each boy played with the girls to get what they wanted which lead me to believe that the boys were acting out what was done to them both possibly.

I also wanted to make sure that if any cousins had been involved that this was out and initially I wanted to bring it forward with hopes of resolve. One sister-in-law put the blame on my daughters and accused me of favoring and not seeing the full picture. Word spread to the cousins which was actually good in the sense that everyone had the chance to come forward. I was never told of any of the cousins being touched but the cousins and my sister-in-law were outraged that I had also told my father-in-law. Reason for telling father-in-law was because 2 years past after the oldest boy went into hiding and husband did not attempt to find his son. Thru some digging on my part I found where he worked, husband still refused to contact him. At that point I wanted justice for my daughters. We'd all be accused of lying and I knew my daughters were not lying. I had been dodging all family gatherings and father-in-law wanted to know why, husband lied to him. I told father-in-law the truth and this upset the family. They said that I involved them and none of them wanted to know.

It was my father-in-law who spoke to the boys. the oldest boy admitted, said that he knew what he was doing was wrong but could not stop himself. He then told family that my daughter started everything and that was all the family needed to hear and it has been support for the boys and shunning for my daughters and I. The younger boys never admitted to anything.

My husband last night was talking like he had plans to attend. I do not want to tell my 18 year old how to live her life or stop her from what she wants to seek but I will be pretty distraught if they decide to attend.

I was told back around Christmas that SS was engaged and planning a wedding and which month it was planned for. I decided at that point I would not attend. I knew I would not be welcome. This boy at 9-10 craved he hated me in his dresser, screamed that he hated me, told his mom that he hated me which she gladly recited back to me, he told my daughter (when he was 15) that he wanted me dead and felt he could kill me in my sleep. As a 25 year old he asked to meet with husband and then launched into how wrong I had done him and popped off with all these accusations of things I have said and done. SS also wanted to know why his dad stayed with me and not his mom. he told his dad that he should have protected him from me. Husband told his son that he had no idea where he was getting his information but that he knew I had not done or said the things he was claiming. SS and I have not seen or spoken in something like 9+ years, a mutual stand. So there was no way I was going. I just did not like how forward SS was about my exclusion and husband didn't like it either. Husband was surprised he was even invited.

My oldest daughter was molested and abused by the older boy. the younger daughter (now 29) was molested by the younger boy. Neither girl knew about the abuse of the other at the time it happened, that all came out later thru questioning them both separately. The thing that I found during questioning my daughters if both boys lured the girls with the same sort of tactic....games. Which lead me to believe that one or both of the boys had been sexually molested or abused themselves before we met them. My oldest said she just thought the oldest boy was making up games.

No, I did not want an invitation to my SS's wedding. Before I had found out about the abuse, while SS was still in the home his angry towards me was obvious.....yelled he hated me, carved he hated me in his dresser. I tried to be understanding, I knew this could not be easy and I knew he was hurt by his mom leaving, he really wanted to be with her, he loved her dearly. I tried to tell him I was not there to replace her. I was the one who had primary responsibility to care for the children, I worked from our home and worked around the kids' schedules.

At 15, SS told my oldest daughter he wanted me dead and he thought he could kill me in my sleep. I did not learn of this until the molestation came out and by then the kids were all adults and on their own. At 25, SS asked to meet with his dad, told his dad I said and did things that I never said or did. Told his dad that he should have been there to protect them (the boys) from me. SS asked why husband stayed with ,me and not his mom. Husband and bio mom were married 4 years. Husband married her because she was pg but learned quickly that he really didn't love her and he ended the marriage. When younger boy got married we were not told initially, there was no invite for anyone, my daughters also were not invited. Husband's dad called and informed us. husband then contacted his son. Younger boy told his dad that if I attended his older brother (the one getting married now) would not attend the wedding. he also told husband that we had not been invited because bio mom would not allow us in her house. We later found out that they were not married in bio mom's house but in a church instead and that the reception was at the house.

I was not planning on attending but I do not like how SS went about all this and what he said to his dad. I am not surprised but it does bring up alot of hurt.

Forever and Ever, this is exactly spot on. After learning what happened with the kids I started doing alot of reading and I learned a great deal about abuse in families and you would be amazed how many skeletons lie in closets. I had also already know of sexual abuse that had happened in husband's family....one of husband's sisters had been molested by an uncle and one of our counselors wanted to explore counseling one-on-one as he suspected husband may have also been sexually abused but husband refused counseling and claims he has no memory of abuse. I even asked husband if he abused his sons as I do feel the boys had been abused and they were acting out what had been done to them but there has never been any answers and no resolve.

Tog, at the point that i found out about the abuse husband and I had been married for 13 years, talk about unlucky 13! The boys' mom had not been a real motherly role for them, they only saw her a few weeks a year and she didn't call on any regular basis. I took full responsibility of the boys and treated and loved them as my own. My husband was busy with his career and I became the primary care giver. We met when the boys were 5 & 7. The boys called me mom and to the outside world it was not obvious we were a step family. I did feel the boys were my own, I called them my sons, not my SSs. So when this initially came out I did want the kids to get together, i wanted everyone to talk, say their sorries and move forward. When this came out though everyone reactions to it is what created a different picture. With help of a counselor I was able to let go of the boys who I had raised as my own and I was able to view my role as more of that like a foster parent.

It was the lies and the accusations that followed that lead to our complete split which was mutually based. I have not encouraged my daughters to keep a relationship with their Step brothers. I have fully supported my daughters. The oldest daughter does have contact with both boys, the younger daughter (29) does not and neither does our 18 year old daughter.

Yes, this is exactly right!

I hear ya! When I learned of this I so wanted (in my mind) to take both boys out and string them up in a tree by their private parts and just let them dangle there. last night when husband told me all this I told him I was not surprised, I told him I had not planned to attend anyway. I just did not like how SS went about the invitation and i have really found it upsetting that husband's family have supported these boys. My daughter and I did nothing to deserve what we have received from the boys or my husband's family. Last night I told my husband that I was doing everything I could not to try to find SS's girlfriend on a media site and tell her the truth of what has happened, as I know he has lied to her and she is clueless of his past. That's why I am here, I don't have any other place to turn for support. I am not deranged, as one of the other replies indicated. I am a person just like everyone else. This has been my sad life. I have thought many times of leaving my husband but then that splits up the our daughter that we share as our family and I have not wanted that for her.

Ruby55, what could the authorities have done with it being one word against the other 9 years after it all stopped?

I don't think you can send a person to prison in this situation. Most molesters/abusers only get a slap on the hand and really because of the support he has received from husband's family I don't think he even got that.

Catlettuce, the abuse started when the oldest two were 9 & 10 which was around the time that husband and I married. We had dated over 3 years before we married and anything I saw that I did not like was addressed. Touching had been addressed, we spoke about how to treat siblings, etc. I did see that the oldest boy was fascinated by my daughter. he had been an outsider, didn't get along well with other kids, was made fun of and picked on. My daughter was very outgoing and always had friends so what i saw develop was SS looking to my daughter as a friend, almost to the point of depending on her for his relationships with people. As young kids her friends became his friends.

The abuse stopped when the kids were 14 & 15. I found out 9 years after the abuse stopped. All the kids were adults and on their own when this came out. Due to my role in the boys' lives being the primary care giver my initial thoughts were to get this out in the open, talk about it and move on. I was not expecting anyone to forgive. My naive mind felt we could all talk as a family but I quickly learned that was not the case and that's when it got real ugly. I have not had a relationship with either boy in many years and I do not have a relationship with my inlaws. My oldest does have contact with both boys, she is the one who received more of the abuse and I have not understood why she would continue any kind of relationship with either of them. However, i have learned thru my own counseling that these situations get very twisted and more than one counselor feels my oldest daughter is confused. My middle daughter and my yojungest daughter do not have a relationship with the boys. I dread the day my youngest (18) decides to contact her half brothers. She has already told me she knows what all has happend but she wants to know her brothers. My daughters have been thru years of counselor and so have I.

That's my thoughts Dtzyblnd. I realized yesterday that I have not updated my Will in many years and the boys are still in my Will. I think it is time to change that!

Tog, anything I saw I addressed, I am not in denial of anything. It seems family wants to shove this under the rug like it didn't exist. My sister aid, "This happened when they were kids, so what? Let it go, let them deal with it." My oldest daughter told me at one point that I had been too hard on the oldest boy, I nearly lost it, I could not believe my ears.

Please tell me what red flags you feel I missed. I had my eyes open. This boy would get up 1:00-3:00 in the morning and sneak into my daughter's bedroom. How was I supposed to catch that?

There was no sexual abuse on my side of the family, thank goodness and I think that is why I do not understand why so many think this is not a big issue on my husband's side. I realize it is an old issue not but it's something that has left scars, not just on me but on my daughters and now as it has turned out, with the rest of the family too.

The boys were troubled and I saw that very quickly, my family saw it also and warned me about getting involved. Besides the tantrums, full body fits oldest boy would have, he was also aggressive and would just haul off and punch his brother. One time I had to pull him off my oldest daughter....he had her on the floor and his fist drawn back to punch her in the face. When he found out his bio mom was pg with her 4th child he took the family photo of her with his brother in the pic and he scribbled out everyone but him and his mom. I encouraged my husband to have a school counselor meet with SS and husband actually cried, said he felt like a failure. He did allow for SS to have counseling and counselor felt he was struggling with the divorce.

We are military so we have moved a bit, most we ever stayed in one place when the kids were small was 4 years so long term treatment didn't happen.

Oldest boy also was a thief, something that his dad also would not address and I ended up addressing. He started a fire in the house when he was 15 and it was then that I made an appt for counseling for him. Bio parents said if twas normal boy behavior and all was innocent. I saw nothing innocent about this boy's actions and neither did the counselor. She helped my husband place steps to trying to make all the stealing right, for SS to be accountable. Of course SS blamed it on me, said that I was punishing him. She also told SS, husband and I that if he starts another fire that we were to call the police. So I feel like I did all I could do at every turn to deal with each situation as it came along. I met resistance from my husband mostly but also from husband's family.

I so want to try to find this girl on one of the media sites and contact her. She has no clue what she is in for. I know SS has not come clean with her and has filled her head with lies about me. I know that if I were in her shoes with 2 children I would want to know my soon-to-be husband's ugly past and I told this to my husband last night. He just said nothing, walked away, went to bed early, closed the door to the room, and this morning left without breakfast. I know he has alot on his mind but it is typical that he also will do nothing too.

I did not make continual statements that this started off as mutual. My inlaws and my husband believe it started off as mutual. My oldest daughter has not made that claim. This certainly was more than spin the bottle. When it came out and the oldest boy admitted he told his grandfather and aunt that he knew what he was doing was wrong but could not stop himself. He then told family that my daughter started this which my daughter denied and was infuriated by.

I think my SS has a great deal of shame and cannot come to terms with that shame and cannot face me because of what he did. he also cannot let anyone close to him, like his girlfriend, know of his past and I could be a threat to him in letting her know the truth.

There was no police report. We found out 9 years after the abuse stopped. My daughter is one year older than SS.

I don't know if this woman has been told anything but it is my guess that her head has been filled with terrible things about me and SS has not mentioned to her that he was having sex with my daughter.

NoDoormat, I have pretty much come to the conclusions you have mentioned here. I was very upset last night while talking to husband about this and he is equally confused. He doesn't like how his sons have treated me even though he doesn't stand up to it and never has. His sons, neither one, contact him and have not in years. Not even an email for his birthday, Father's day or Christmas, nothing. Many times he will send off an email to see how they are doing and he said half the time he gets no response. So even his relationship with his sons is strained at best. In order for husband to go to this wedding he will have to travel across the ocean and pay more than $1000 just for the plane ticket, we live in Germany. I didn't even go back to my grandparents' funerals because of the cost and length of time it takes to travel stateside. last night I asked my husband why he would honor his son by attending his wedding after all he has done to him and to me and to the family? His response, "good point."

NoDoormat, I am going to my counselor today so he can help me sort this out. Yesterday felt like a punch in the gut after I read my daughter's response.

Catmom4, I am not sure what I will do. We have a pending move and my doc is suggesting surgery for me, all coming up in the next couple months. I don't know how my husband was even planning to attend. We live in Germany and this wedding will be in the US.

Brattongirl, good for your husband to support you by not going. When my younger SS got married he did not invite either his dad or I, we were not even told he was getting married. We were informed by husband's father. Husband contacted his son and he claimed that his mother would not allow us in her house, they were having the ceremony in her town which I found a bit crazy as they would have had to travel great distance to make that possible and her family would not have been able to attend. SS insisted on knowing if I was attending....I was pretty sure that his brother (the one now getting married) had planned to duck out if I came. He had expressed to one of his cousin that if we were invited he would not attend the wedding so the cousin told family it was just for the immediate family, funny how immediate family included SS! I decided not to go in the end, husband and I fought over him going but he went anyway. I really do not want the same outcome this time.

StepAside.....yes. this is EXACTLY how I feel!

Yep, I contacted an attorney last week to change my Will and by golly, they will have nothing of mine....not even my money!

I have been feeling very firm on my feelings towards this situation lately as I have had time to sort things thru. I do realize this has been a terrible situation and it has been very hard to deal with. One of things my counselors have told me if that the way I have tried to deal with each situation was target on however those around me disagree.

Yesterday I had the walk with my lady friend who is a Social worker and she really gave me alot of encouragement to stand for what I believe in, said there was no other answer and my husband should not be thinking any other way. I related all the information to my husband last night. We went to dinner tonight and we tarted talking about it all. I know him and as much as he might agree with me initially he has always gone and done his own thing....meaning we can agree how any situation should be handled and then he will do what he wants without coming to me and saying he disagrees with this or that and this is how he sees it and this is what he wants to do. Tonight, because of years past of this happening time and time again and he always favors to please his sons and foreseeing this happening again I set a very firm boundary with him. I told him that if he did not follow thru as my counselor and my friend suggested the marriage is over and I let him know that i was tired of him agreeing and then doing whatever he wanted to do regardless of what we agreed to. He got very angry and when he gets angry he shuts up and his mind starts working. he become vindictive and he becomes the victim, time and time again. I saw it happening so I asked him if he had anything to say and he said that he realizes now why he shuts down, it is because of me belittling him. I did not belittle him. Setting boundaries and saying i will no longer accept certain behavior is not belittling. Basically he is now faulting me. I told him the only way forward for us is for him to take a stand with his sons, that I am tired of living like this. He tells me he is between a rock and ahrad place. What is so hard about this? His sons have totally disrespected me and he has allowed it. Now they are trying to separate me form my daughter as well as my husband and while he too sees that as unacceptable he wants to, in his words be "diplomatic." Diplomatic? I told him that he is other one that needs to sit in the counselor's chair and if he find s a solution that is diplomatic to let me know.

Thanks!

Taking steps to move on.

Idvilen, when the separate wedding invitations arrived for each my husband our bio daughter my thought was, "Does my SS really think our daughter doesn't love me and he thinks as he thinks about me? My daughter and I get a long very well and I think in many ways she thinks alot like me so I don't think she will find her half brother (who has had nothing to do with her in 10 year) will have some magical power over her.

It is like SS is thinking his thoughts are logical and he should be supported. I really think that he thinks that his dad has been manipulated by me but that's not the case at all. Wed have our hardship and much of that hardship id what husband won't stand up to and deal with considering their very hateful and disrespectful children. We get little, if any, recognition in return.

Christag, how did that all make you feel? Are you still with husband?