It's story time in the Land of Kool Aid! I'm in the mood for some orange Kool Aid today because everything is so damn cheery and bright! This was so pathetic that it's funny, so I thought I'd share. I told a co-worker about this today and we had a good laugh. OK, picture this.....

DH flew out of town yesterday and won't be back until Thursday night. SDog10 is always an ass when DH is out of town, very much like SD19, enabled and entitled and clueless. Of course, SD13 can't be relied upon to be RESPONSIBLE for her own fucking dog, but anyway. Last night I suggested that SD13 take SDog into her room to spend the night. We have been in this house two years, and SDog the Peeing-Marking-LetMeLiftMyLittleLegUntilYouWantToBreakItOff-Urine Stinking WONDER has slept in my bedroom every night. EVERY NIGHT. It wasn't a problem until he started marking in the house over a year ago. We put diapers on him and took them off at night in my room to let him "breathe." Well, about three weeks ago, he started marking on the bedposts in my CARPETED room. DH said, "Well, almost ALL of the dogs have peed in our room." Um, not intentionally DH. So, poor wittle SDog started having to wear his Doggie Depends overnight, in my bedroom about three weeks ago. Then I found the diapers UNDER my bed, didn't know if they were urine-soaked or not, but DH couldn't be bothered to notice in the morning if the SDog still had it's belly band on or not. So, a week ago I bought a ScatMat to keep SDog from belly-crawling under my bed and laying two feet below my head under my mattress on the floor.

It worked like a charm. }:)

Until this morning, that is. But I'll get to that in a moment. So last night SD13 takes a dog bed into her room and SDog goes in there, attached to her leg (not really) to go to sleep. Twenty minutes later, SD13 is knocking at my door, past her bedtime, with the dog bed in hand. "SDog won't sleep. He keeps walking around my bedroom." Now keep in mind that we have no collar on SDog because the jingle drove us all crazy. SDog never sits still when SD13 or DH are around. So, I let SDog back into my room, where he always sleeps, and everyone was fine. But I knew there would be trouble in the morning because SDog is a little Napoleonic ass of a yipyap dog.

I sleep with ear plugs in, and about 30 minutes before my alarm is supposed to go off, I hear a dog whimpering in my bedroom. I know exactly which dog it is. Yep, 3:55am and SDog is doing the "OMG I have to shit NOW" whimper. I get up and let all five dogs out to pee and I start filling their bowls with food. Keep in mind I had to catch SDog on the fly and un-velcro his diaper from him before he got outside and pissed into it at 4am. I don't put any food out for SDog because he's such a control freak, he'll only eat when he wants. On days when I'm pissed, I'll put his food down and see what happens. One of my large breed dogs will always get to it first. So, I look around the kitchen and all four of my large dogs are in their places, eating happily from their bowls.

SDog is nowhere to be found. I still have the kitchen door open to the deck and the cool morning air is coming in from the yard. It's dark out there except for the floodlights lighting the stairs down to the grass. All the way in the far corner of the yard, on the other side of Shitville (remember I have 5 dogs) is a small white dog, glowing in the dark. SDog has firmly planted his ass in the far corner of the yard and hasn't returned for his breakfast. His does this every time! I leave him out there and leave the door open in case he wanders back up. My dogs finish eating and I start to get mad at SDog. It's 4:15am in the morning and I don't want to be bothered by him anymore. I have to get ready for work. Normally, I would still be sleeping or DH would take the dogs down.

I don't want to close off the basement because the dog door is down there and my pups just ate. They might need to go out. I don't want to leave the basement open because then SDog can get IN to the house without his diaper on and go piss in my DR on the hardwood floor. It's now or never, Moon.....So I grab the belly band and head off into the darkness of my backyard wearing my PJs and flipflops.

I stay near the fence so as not to step in any doggie landmines. As soon as I get about 30 feet from the house, SDog starts making a beeline right through the yard towards the deck stairs! I act like everything is OK and say "GoodBoy, let's go inside." But I have to catch him and put this damn belly band on him. SDog has actually been LEAKING lately. Just dropped $350 on his dumb ass at the vet last weekend and we're waiting for the results. His abdomen was rigid so they think he has kidney stones and is dripping from that. But hey Doggie Doc, that's ok because SDog PEES everywhere anyway! But back to my story.....

SDog goes up the deck stairs and I follow him into the house. He goes down the center hall and turns the corner to go back upstairs. Into my room! Oh it's on now, SDog! I absolutely HATE running after this damn SDog to get his diaper on! I always have DH and SD13 get off of their asses and do it, but it was 4:15am in the morning and I figured I take one for the team. I reach down to lift up the fleabag that is SDog, so I can put the belly band on him. He is in need of grooming badly and I have been getting on DH for weeks to get him cleaned up, to no avail. I start putting the belly band on and SDog tries to get away. I am still talking nice to him, but he is clearly fearful of me and does NOT like his diaper. I get the band on and the little fucker shoots away from me across the room and heads for the space under my bed. No!!!!!

The ScatMat is there, so I wait for the worst. I still have a heart, you know. It's on low, its a little pulse that is a deterrent for the animal to stay off of furniture etc. I watch and expect him to back away from the space under the bed. Nope! Psycho SDog BELLY CRAWLS right across that mat and is now back in his old spot under my bed! It's a king and I can't reach him! I can barely SEE him. I go around to the other side of the room and turn one of the storage tubs under my bed longways, trying to nudge him back out the way he came. I can't see what I'm doing. It's 4:20am, I have been up for 25 minutes, I haven't peed, I haven't taken a drink of water, nothing. I need to check my sugar and take my insulin. I get up from the floor, walk back around to the ScatMat side of the bed, and there's SDog belly crawling out and scurrying over to the nightstand, where he backs himself into a corner. SDog is NUTS. A lot like SD19, I can see where it runs in the family. I go and make sure the door to my room is shut and then return, trying to get him OUT from under the nightstand. He won't budge and then the little fucker growls at me!!

Oh hell no. All I can think is that this dog needs to be in SD13's room and THAT is precisely where he is going. I reach down and try to push his hindquarters from the side of the table and he is clearly on whackjob defense now. I don't want to get bitten by this SDog. He had all of his small front teeth, top and bottom, pulled last year because BM never took care of him. I was the one that took SDog to the vet and paid $750 for THAT. So, I've done my part making sure this dumbass dog is cared for. But, SDog still has those vampire canine teeth and there's no way in hell I trust him to NOT bite me at this point. At 4:20 in the morning. So I back away over across the room out of his sight. He comes out from under the table and heads for the bedroom door, which is closed. I'm pissed and hot and thirsty now. I open the door, and since the belly band is on, SDog can go where he wants for the most part. Does he run downstairs? Nope. He goes right across the hall and backs his ass up to SD13's bedroom door.

I try the doorknob to SD13's room and it's locked. DH is forever telling SD13 to keep her door unlocked in case of an emergency, but she doesn't listen. I get the door key, unlock it, and nudge SDog in there with my foot. I shut the door. It's a little past 4:30am. Ahhhhh, time to start my day. Thirty minutes later I hear SD13 downstairs trying to get SDog to go out to pee. I go down and tell her everything that happened and tell her NOT to take her eyes off of him, esp now that's he's pissed himself and needs a new diaper. Can't imagine WHY?.... }:) SD13 goes to get a fresh belly band and pad and immediately TAKES HER EYES OFF OF SDOG. I just told you to keep your eyes on him!! SDog wanders towards the Pee Zone in my dining room where he has marked numerous times!! I tell SD13 to GO GET HIM! Skidiot. She finally starts talking to him and gets his attention and he happily bounces back over to her. She gets his diaper on him and I ask her, "Doesn't it SUCK getting up this early?" She says it does and I explain that we have this whimper shit cry from SDog about one night a week and then there's the other dogs, too, who might need to be let out overnight. Our sleep is always broken.

I told SD13 that SDog was going to sleep in HER room tonight because I'm not going through this again. Let SDog shit in there. Speaking of shit......

SD13 was in fresh clothes this morning and still smelled nasty like an old sock. I would've expected her to smell like deodorant first thing in the morning, at the very least, but no. Also, I just found her training bra fit for a 5th grader with bee stings laying on the chair in our den. Along with a big ACE bandage to bind her chest with, since she identifies as a boy. It doesn't look like she's used it yet because it looks clean and is wrapped up nicely. She probably tried to put on and didn't have any luck. It takes her five minutes to put on her socks and tie her shoes. I threw the thing in the trash and buried it, along with the bra.

So now I am entering an entirely new realm of stephell, just like many of you. Usually SD13 is home, but today she didn't come home from school, and DH is out of town. I said "Oh you're here now?" a little while ago when I saw her downstairs. I asked her why she didn't check in since she wasn't coming right home from school? "Duuuuh.....uhhhhhhh."

Nice, really NICE SD13. Go take a shower because you STINK. You stink because even though you "washed your sheets" last week, you didn't put them back on your bed. And the mattress pad you're sleeping on hasn't been washed in two years. There are enough little figurines and playtoys lined up in her room to make any little girl happy. But SD13 identifies as a boy and acts about 6yo. I am hiding in my room. Why is this Skid so dumb? Thank goodness I saw my therapist today for the first time. I needed it. Maybe he can help me figure out which bridge to jump off of.

Thanks for the long vent. LOL SDog......pain in my ass is going to be pain in SD13's ass tonight. Sleep tight, Pumpkin!

~ Moon