I wish I could care less
I really do. I've been reading about disengagement and it sounds wonderful to have that kind of peace.
I keep opening myself up to be hurt and I don't like it.
My husband has custody of his kids which means I'm full time step mom. I knew this before we married, it wasn't sprung on me. I knew my husband traveled for work, sometimes had long hours evenwhen working close to home. I knew I would be the "primary adult parent figure" in the home.
My stepkids mostly are agreeable. Not anywhere near some of the nightmares I've read on this site.
I generally feel they are normal kids in the hormone stage of rebellion-and I'm sometimes the closest target. But I do also think their bio mom is utterly messed up and the divorce really did screw with their perceptions of things.
I've got a problem that I care too much, at least that's what I think it is.
I do care about these kids-whether they become functioning members of society or a drain on the economy, or are constantly looking for a hand out...
They have been babied for so long that when I came along it was a huge eye opener for their dad.
He wasn't really a disney dad as I've heard them described but he would be very passive and just give into things because it's easier.
I've recently had to remind him of a punishment handed out by him th at he was not enforcing and a promise he made to the kids as a reward.
I don't want to be the bad guy or be taken for granted and most of the time 80/20, that doesn't happen.
However the times it does really kill me.
One example is SS birthday, older SD asked if I was going to make a cake for him (I have in the past) we talked about his favorite flavor and I made it. SS thanked me for making him a cake (before I made it), but the kids didn't eat at our home the next two days(were at grandparents). Which was fine with me, but the cake got put in the fridge, sat in there, five days go by and no one ate any. I kept asking when we were going to celebrate to my husband and he said work has been really busy that we would ask SS to go out to eat for a birthday celebration. My cake-went in the trash- it didn't keep until everyone was ready to celebrate.
My energy expended and it went in the trash. (I did get a thank you remember, but it wasn't enough to mend my hurt feelings.)
Little things like this happen all the time. I reach out-it's not accepted.
I do something special- it's not noticed.
I care, I want to do most of these things... but I'm hurt when it doesn't follow through.
I've tried stepping back and these small things are missed, and I get asked immediately by stepkids and husband alike, "what's wrong?" "Are you ok?" "Something bothering you?"
Stepkids usually equate me stepping back with their mother's bitchiness and lack of involvement in their lives... last time I stepped back (way before this site or even knowing it was disengagement) oldest stepdaughter (then 15) actually said something like, "here we go, I knew it was too good to be true. (I am) just like mom moody and mean. THIS is just the beginning. It won't be long now and the fight ing will start and then she will leave too."
So I take steps back to not get hurt so much and I am their mother abandoning them in their eyes...
I don't know how to not care so much and I don't know how to grow a thicker skin so when they are dismissive of my efforts it doesn't hurt so much.
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Have you explained to them
Have you explained to them how you feel? Sometimes we do tend to keep hurtful things inside; it's easier to talk about those who make us angry than about those that actually hurt our feelings. If you haven't, I'd advise you to do it.
Talk about this with your dh.
Talk about this with your dh. This is your chance to build your partnership together, become closer, become more pleased with each other, live happier.
Tell him you felt really hurt about the cake and why. Tell him you are happy to do all this stuff for his kids but it turns out you need something back. Ask him to help you figure out how to avoid these hurt feelings in the future.
One time I had a moment along these lines (only a lot angrier! ha!) and spewed my feelings to dh. He had a private conversation* with ssthen11 about all the nice things I do and what could we do nice for her? SS's idea was priceless: get her a turnip? Still makes me laugh! I had been cooking turnips for the last couple of weeks and the little guy noticed I was pleased with my turnips. Heehee!
Anyway, don't wait till you're angry like I did to open your heart to your dh. Be genuinely open to his input. He may ask you to simply stop doing so much. Or the two of you may decide you won't make the cake until both decide today is the day we'll eat cake for sure. Or you may decide the next cake will get gifted to your sister's family the next morning if it isn't eaten the day you make it. Or maybe he just starts surprising you with jewelry to fill up your tank. The possibilities are pretty much endless but they all involve the two of you working together and being close. It's win/win and win/win some more.
That's my advice. YMMV. Plus, now I want the cake. What flavor was it?
*Dh told me about it later.
SS only likes white cake. So
SS only likes white cake. So I made him a white cake (I bake from scratch btw) and a vanilla bean cream cheese powdered sugar frosting...took some actual time, not like out of the box mix bake and frost out of a plastic jar...
And baking from sratch doesn't hold up as long after it's been made either...
I have talked to my husband but it's always POST events like this and the events keep happening (they are very few in comparison to others aand very tame also) but I have told him " this hurts " or "communicate with me more and these things won't happen" or "when you ignore this that happens and it hurts me"
It all seems in vain and makes me feel like I'm being too sensitive or that I shouldn't be caring so much about them or doing so much... but I legitimately want to care-or maybe it's just that I want to be noticed for doing the things I do.
So don't wait until it
So don't wait until it happens. Sometimes we see those "abuses" coming and wait for them to happen. Don't wait: speak up as soon as you see it coming.
When I was younger, sometimes I did things for others that I already knew were going to be ignored; I'd let it happen, not really sure why. I think that sometimes I fed myself on self pity, or something and victimizing myself was a way of feeling I was the better person in the relationship. That's not, by any means, good for you and eventually I realized what I was doing to myself and stopped.
For what it's worth, I think
For what it's worth, I think this comment is extremely helpful and introspective and probably very common for many people (who just don't realize it yet).
Thank you!
Thank you!
The cake sounds divine.
The cake sounds divine. Mmmmmmmm. Make one for me I'll eat it right now and write a beautiful essay about it. Ahhhhhh.
Take your dh by the shoulders and make him face you and wiggle him so you know he's awake and paying attention. Say, "I NEED you to do something for me and I know you will do it because I really do know how much you love me and you will do it for that reason no matter if you think it's not important or whatever. I'm telling you it IS important to me. I need you to X Y or Z."
Think of something that will make you feel better that you know he can follow through on. Flowers. Bring you a candy bar. Make the bed. Whatever. And really be ok with whatever it is. The object of the game is for you both to win. He probably does not want to guess. If you make it easy for him by flat out telling him what you want and how much it will mean to you, he will probably run with it.
Also start taking some action. DO take the cake elsewhere after the one day deadline passes. Never let it sit in refrigerator past the next morning ever again. And similar actions for everything else you feel taken for granted for. When they say, "Oh, but we want the cake NOOOOW whinewhinewhine." Just cheerfully say, oh, my, let me know when you get one, I'll share it with you. Be less available do not solve everything for them.
I am a full time bio mom and
I am a full time bio mom and I live with hubby's child full time.
Your story sounds like it has hope.
You need to respect yourself and your family to sit them down and talk about your feelings. Use "I" statements. I really think you guys have a chance. It sounds like the kids want you to be there for them.
I have these talks with my kids over the years when they take me for granted.
As for hubbys kid....never works with her. I have given up.
Your post highlights what I
Your post highlights what I have found to be the single biggest problem in my own 12 year experience of stepparenting; how to care enough so as to get along and have comfortable, positive relationships with them, but not be so invested that your feelings are regularly getting hurt and you feel like you are putting way more in than you are getting out.
I could have written the title of your post, and over the years I have seen many many members struggling as they develop feelings for their stepchildren, only to find that they never get the kind of love and appreciation back that they were hoping for. The best I can say to you is that you are far from alone in feeling this way. But there are no easy answers, especially not when you have the children with you full time, and Dad's work commitments put you in the parenting hot seat.
Ultimately the strength of your relationship with them is dictated by their willingness to care about you, and their Dad's ability to act as your advocate and support and to insist on respect and appreciation from his children. Unfortunately even the nicest kids have a tendency to be self-involved and oblivious to things that are done for them, so they need reminders from Dad, and it's a recipe for disaster to try to put in the kind of care and sacrifice of a bio parent because the most likely outcome is going to be increasing resentment on your part. Some thoughts on things that might help a little:
1. Focus on the relationship with your husband. It's the reason you are there in the first place and love and appreciation from him is where your payback has to come from. Keeping that relationship strong and supportive is key to keeping issues with his children in perspective, and that means making time for each other away from the children
2. Don't throw yourself into his family 24/7. Make sure you have a life outside it, and time for your family and friends, and your own outside interests. Exercise or yoga can help take your mind off things. A night out with friends can do a lot to take the pressure off and focus on you as you, not as stepmum. Plus it's good for the stepchildren to see that you have some independence
3. Make sure Dad is still primarily responsible for being the parent. An awful lot of us have thrown ourselves into these situations like white knights thinking we have all the answers and taking on way too much responsibility for everything from diet to discipline. Then you end up resenting it. Dad needs to pull his weight
4. Pick your battles, but don't let everything go. Sometimes when stepchildren are inconsiderate or difficult it's a lot better to air it and move on than let it fester
5. Remember that you are not personally responsible for being the antidote to their mother. Don't tie yourself in knots trying to fix any feelings of rejection they may have about their mum, that's on her and their Dad. If you're a caring supportive presence in their lives you're already doing your bit, and you're taking too much on yourself if you feel like you can't stop making birthday cakes in case they feel you're abandoning them like their mother.