I really should get on here more
Hello all! I really should get on here more. Maybe it would make me feel better about a lot of things. It is just really hard being a single parent to someone else's kid especially when they force her down your throat as your own. I am finding my self resent the fact that SD4 is even ther and making me reconsider even getting married in 6 months. This is not what I signed up for. I never thought it it wold become my total responsibility to raise this child. FH works until about 8 or 9 at night. By then she is going to bed which a whole other problem in it self. BM is literally a white trach piece of s**t. No rules over there and minmal rules here by FH and hardcore rules by me. I am really starting to hate the fact that she is here and my best friend told me something tonight..she said I am actually being mean to the child. Now I already knew this but didn't know it was that bad. I immediately began to cry. It's not the child's fault she has an screwed up life. Right? But somehow I can't get over it. Maybe if I got a simple "thank you" once in a while. Maybe if he didn't take offense to everything I bring up. Maybe if I had some help around here. I just know know and so sorry for the ramble, I am just really upset right now and needed to get it all out. Please tell me that some of you out there feel ir have felt the same way. Please tell me it can get better. I am at such a loss right now. Thanks for listening. 
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Maybe you should talk to him
Maybe you should talk to him about it from this perspective "I don't want to feel resentment toward your daughter. I want to have a GOOD relationship with her and I can't do that if you don't give me the space to do it on my own terms". I had to ask dh to back off and quit putting pressure on me to be a "family" with his daughter. The more people tried to MAKE me like her, the less I liked her. I think it might have been too late because I still don't like her, but I am not mean to her and don't feel bad about not liking her anymore (my therapist assured me that my responsibility as a sm is to take care of her and be civil to her and respect her not LIKE her). And your problem is that you are expected to be her parent while fh isn't there. Why is she with you when he isn't home?
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I have to say that it always
I have to say that it always makes me feel better when I get on here. She lives with us MOn-Fri and sees BM on the weekends. This has just been since August so it has been a big change for me. I always wanted to have kids but not literaly over night and definitely not someone else's. I feel the same that everyone is trying to MAKE me like her as well. I really wish others would understand that it is easier said than done. Thanks for you help .
I think what people don't
I think what people don't realize is that this is an adjustment for you too. I realize that you are an adult but that doesn't make you any less human with your own feelings and emotions.
I agree. You definitely have to talk to your guy. Let him know that you are trying to process this all too. He has to help you adjust and not try to force feed you with emotions he thinks you should have. It isn't natural to just love someone upon meeting them. It takes time.
Wanting to have kids and
Wanting to have kids and being the SM (or sm to be) are TOTALLY DIFFERENT. As I said in a post to someone else on here a little while ago - you get all the shit parts of being a mom and someone else gets all the good parts. The more people force their wishes down your throat the more likely you are to rebel. It is human nature. My dh finally accepted that I will help him with responsibility when necessary (when his work schedule conflicts) but I am unable to be all gushy and touchy /feely with her. I am just not interested. She isn't interested in "including" me when dh is here so why should I kiss her ass when he isn't here to kiss it? You aren't her mother. Others need to accept that. That said, it isn't her fault she is with you (she didn't choose any of this) so being mean isn't an option. Try being more "diplomatic". I am very diplomatic with SD. Since I can't give her the touchy feely stuff, I try to refrain from giving her the angry stuff too. I am blunt and factual. I feed her, make sure she doesn't do anything to hurt herself, make sure she brushes her teeth and gets to school, but that is it. If she is here with me before or after school, I mostly insist she keep herself busy. If I don't want to entertain her, I don't.
"God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy" and you can't change crazy!!
I understand how you're
I understand how you're feeling. Rambling is great, isn't it? I find that pounding out my frustration on the keyboard helps immensely
We're all here for each other, so post away!
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
Honey...I have been a long
Honey...I have been a long time CSM...with no visitation exercised by the BM...that means 365 days a year 24 hours a day I am "Mom" to my skids...she pays no child support, and speaks to them MAYBE 3 times a year....I know how hard it is...the key here for u is to have a heart to heart with yur FH...u have six months to decide if u really want to take this on for the rest of yur life....I have found that when I have started to be mean to the kids, I needed to step back and do something totally for myself....and then re-confirm my commitment to my DH and these kids....when I married my DH we had EOWE status...I never planned to be a full-time Mom...but things can change on the drop of a dime...u haveta prepare for whatever "can" happen, cuz it usually does....I feel for u honey...cuz I know how u are wrestling with this...I'm here if u ever need to vent...
A mother is not defined by the "b" or the "s" in front of her name, she is defined by how she handles the "mother" part.....
I know how you're
I know how you're feeling...I've been married for 3 months to a husband who has 2 full time boys ages 7 and 9. Their mother passed away when they were babies and my MIL is a total psycho who hasn't seen the boys in 6 months. So it is truly full time and truly irritating for me!! I have such feelings of guilt about how I feel about these kids but I can't overcome it. I have no desire to be affectionate, almost everything they do irritates me, I feel like I can only point out the bad and am blind to the good in them. It's horrible! I understand that they are just little kids, but the resentment is really strong. In addition, I have my own little boy who is 3 who means the world to me. And I have decided that I won't deny him all of my love and affection just because I don't feel it for my DH's kids. I felt this way before getting married but did it anyway just because I really love and care for my DH. And I totally understand the "shoving them down your throat" feeling. I resent that he has done that to me in a lot of ways and felt I had no other choice than to talk about it with him. The key is not to insult them and speak in an "I" tone. "I am not feeling the connection". "I don't feel that I should have to talk to them about important issues". "I have tried but it's not really working". And I have expressed to him that I am willing to try and work on it. Also, I feel I have to discuss with him what it really means to be a SM. I explain that they want him, his attention, his love first and foremost. So before I can even think about working on the problem, he has to work on his own issues as their BF first. In letting go of a lot of the anxiety and not overthinking things too much, I have become a lot more calm and accepting. I now see that it is okay not to be lovey dovey and affectionate with them. Just respectful and mindful of their needs as kids. I don't worry too much about what DH thinks, just do what works for me. This site is so helpful in knowing that we're not in this alone! It is a diffucult position to be in, and I am far from "healed", that's for sure. So hang in there and if you really love your fiance, know that your relationship with him is first and foremost and if it's strong enough, you can work on the other stuff