Now I'm the b*tch for saying something!!! Need advise
This will be my first post here. Husband and I have been together for 4 yrs. I have a child from a previous marriage (11yr old), husband has 3 children (ages 7,9&13)from previous marriage. Now we have one child together and another on the way. (BiggggFamily) so here's my dilemma he works out of town and comes home every weekend. Because of that he wants his kids with us every single weekend!! It's starting to frustrate me especially now that I'm expecting -.- my child goes with his father every other weekend and sometimes he even goes more when they have special things going on. I hadn't brought it up but was so mad a couple of days ago that I finally did! I said something like my child will be gone and were gonna be by ourselves he's like no as soon as I get home I'm going for my kids! I told him we always get them lets just take a lil break I'm really tired from work and just being pregnant! He flipped out saying we always have my child here and our own baby why can't we have his kids too! He kept saying his kids bothered me and I was being unfair! I got real emotional because my child does leaves with his father how it's suppose to be. So I just gave up and dropped it I love his kids and they do me but now I don't even care to be with them. I hate how I tried to tell him how I felt and he brought my child into the argument. He married me knowing I have my child but I didn't know we were gonna have his kids so much and on top of that pay so much child support. He buys them clothes shoes schools stuff plus whatever they want thankfully he has a great job but this is too much for me sometimes. How can I bring it up again without him getting all crazy. He's a extremely loving dad but how can I make him see the kids mother needs to be with his children too!!
Ummmm isn't the kids mother
Ummmm isn't the kids mother with them the other 22 days of the month?
Didn't he get his kids every weekend when you were dating?
I don't understand why it is now you expect him to give up 4 of the only 8 days he has them because you're having a second child.
No actually it was very
No actually it was very different when we were dating, he would get them every other weekend and one day during the week. How it states on the child support agreement. We go above and beyond for his children and the mother doesn't seem to care. Me as a mother I want my child with me all the time and his dad can only get him every other weekend. How we agreed. I would like some time alone with him also since he only comes down on the weekends.
I actually never thought of
I actually never thought of it like that saying he only sees them 8 days out of the month. It does make me look at things differently. How I saw it when he brought my child into the argument was -he knew marrying me my child was coming with us I have full custody but for him I went by the child support papers for him that said every other weekend and once during the week.. That' how it was so that's what I expected. I really think it would be different if we had full custody. Everything would run more smoothly there would be a routine of some sort with them all. It feels like he comes the weekends gets them and we are on the move cuz he hasn't seen them and let's them decide our plans for the weekend. Having them here every day wouldn't allow us to splurge on the weekends so it would be different. And I would be ok with it.
BM could get sick or die, and
BM could get sick or die, and you could have them full time at any moment.
I guess you guys are right. I
I guess you guys are right. I was just never used to so many children running around. I just want to have a quiet weekend. Cuz every time they come they expect an outing sat & sun . I work all week then the weekends it seems I'm still doing a lot. Maybe I will try for at least one weekend a month. I do love my skids and don't want to make them feel like I don't, I just would like alil rest.
I totally understand how you
I totally understand how you feel as a SM. But I also understand how your DH feels as a bio. Maybe tell DH that you would like some alone time without the other kids once every month or so. Not for the purpose of excluding his other kids, but for the purpose so that you two can connect.
Not sure how that will go over though. How long will he be working out of town?
He has worked like this for
He has worked like this for almost 3 yrs. but the first year he would work say 2-3 months then get laid off for a month or two then he would work again then stop. Then we had our baby and he has been working alil more and more. I doubt he will be ok with me saying that, I think he would automatically think I'm excluding his for the wrong reasons.
I obviously have to know I
I obviously have to know I won't rest until my kids are literally grown adults. But how I said and yes I knew clearly what I was getting into marrying my husband. But in a way I would get some rest if the skids weren't here every weekend since I would only be cleaning up my whatever mess if any me and husband make I wouldn't have to cook for a small army, I would just be calm with just our baby. I guess I've over whelmed some times I didn't expect them here every weekend I can never do anything alone other wise husband get upset and tells me you know the kids are coming were doing blah blah blah you can't run off alone. So there go my weekends.
What about sending all the
What about sending all the children with DH for the afternoon. EveNo a fee hours of peace and quiet would help.
We have Skids EVERY weekend
We have Skids EVERY weekend as well. I can understand wanting a break once in a while. I have finally got SO to start having a Skids free weekend a couple of times a year. I personally, don't think it's a lot to ask for. We don't have any bios so a Skid weekend is a completely kid free weekend. We get to do adults things without listening to whining. It's been really nice.
Thank you! Your right that's
Thank you! Your right that's some advise I can use
My SO has ss14 EOWE. SO was
My SO has ss14 EOWE. SO was always trying to think of things to do over those weekends... SS never seemed to enjoy anything (he is a constant whiner) and I was less than thrilled with all that, too. Finally, I said, look SO, so your kid is here. He comes to our home... there is no need to be constant entertainment when he's here... That's just not so normal. If he's here, he's here. If we have things to do, we need to do those things. There is no reason for a weekend full of kid stuff 24/7. I'm pretty sure that's not how it goes when he's home other weekends. Let him hang out with you, whatever you're doing and him being here the "thing", not constant entertainment. He agreed, and things have calmed down A LOT.
And/or like others have suggested, have your DH take the kids out and leave you be.
Good luck, and congratulations with the new baby on the way!
This weekend I actually had
This weekend I actually had to work so I didn't get to spend anytime with anyone :/ but I asked husband to move some things out since we didn't need them and I wanted them out since we live in a apt and whatever needs to go has to go! He refused to do it said once he's laid off he would do it because the kids were here and he was taking them out. Those lil things hurt me too he forgets about everything around the apt just because the kids are here. They are these bulky tv stands so I can't move them out. So I just let it go :/ he's like that kids are here so he's the fun parent out and about forgetting about everything else.
Yeah... sorry about
Yeah... sorry about that...
That's Exactly why I made it stop. We moved into a new house and there is a huge laundry list of stuff that we need to get done... way too much to leave for the 'other' skidless weekend. I said the entire world can't drop dead because you have your son. If you have a real relationship with him, it shouldn't require your constant outings and spending a bunch of money. I can't imagine that when you were with the Bowel Movement, you spent every weekend inventing elaborate plans that centered around your kids. There are lawns to mow and errands to run, repairs to make, etc. Just because you are divorced, doesn't mean that your new role is that of a circus master. That's just not normal. Wanna have a normal relationship with your kid (without the need to purchase his affection), then behave normally.
I think that most fathers have a HUGE problem in this area. They are typically (not always) the parent with the most limited visitation, and feel the need to go wayyy overboard with time with the skids. My SO spends time with his son doing things around the house, taking a ride to the store to get XYZ, and during this time, he teaches the skid how to do things. Kid seems happy, SO seems happy, I'm happier. So far it's working.
Why not plan some one on one
Why not plan some one on one time for any week days that he is home, so it is equal as in there would no kids??? I'm sure he gets some vacation time, use it that way.
No vacation time his jobs are
No vacation time his jobs are temporary jobs won't last more than 4-5 months. So no weekdays for us.
Does your spouse get home
Does your spouse get home Friday night? If so, have you considered having a sitter watch your child so the two of you can have alone time before his other children come over Saturday?
He does sometimes arrive
He does sometimes arrive Friday night but it's usually after 7-8 and I know he's tired of driving, his job is 4 hrs away. We have gone out but I can tell he's tired and just wants to get to bed. So I won't push for Friday nights since he work 12-14 hr shifts daily then the drive home.