Advice Please!

Forums:

First timer here (you'll be able to tell by my lack of abbreviations LOL, but I'll try to do better :)). So, here's the situation in a nutshell: I am mother to a nearly 20YO college student still living at home w/ my husband and stepmother to a nearly 26YO living w/ her BF. We dated 6 months before we married 4 months ago.(probably mistake #1). My daughter has informed me of several instances where my SD (obviously when we aren't around or listening) tells her what she will and won't do in our house (Example: my kid asked for a dog; we said no; she pressed; we still said no....)...that's just the latest, but there's been several instances where the SD simply tries to insert her presence in the decision making of our home. I knew going in that she was very immature for her age and frankly not that bright....and her BF isn't exactly my choice for her either...nonetheless, I always try my best to make sure our family nights together are "all about them" and "what they want to eat & do"....basically bend over backwards to make everyone feel equally wanted, loved, and attended to. Plans are always centered around SD's & her BF's work schedules and my daughter and her BF's school schedules...it's been working well until the issue of their birthday dinner came up (yes, 1 dinner because their birthdays are only 1 day apart, so we do one deal for both girls)....I think when the 2 girls have a difference, they should hash it out on their own...that's how we've always done it, but this time, my daughter didn't back down on the fact that we made reservations and everything had to be turned upside down b/c of her BF's work and rigidness on choosing another date. SD decided it would be a good idea to call Daddy and let him know that my daughter was mad at her....BOOO FREAKIN' WHOOOOO?!?!?! ...and that's when the fight started (our first, in fact). Bottom line, I'm not dealing w/ the BS of a whiny, supposed to be grown up when things don't go her way...especially if it interferes w/ my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly. He's a wonderful man, but it's almost impossible for him to say no to anyone especially his own kid. And for the record, he can't say no to me or my kid even :)....I don't want this to come between us, but when I spoke up about her phone call / private parenting lessons with my kid and how immature it was, he blew up on me....Any advice on how to handle?

I was just going to suggest

I was just going to suggest each parent takes their own kid to dinner.

for the record, we finance

for the record, we finance everything too...otherwise, it won't happen

Thanks, Rising2. I suppose I

Thanks, Rising2. I suppose I do get tired of all that, but I soon forget about when everyone is enjoying themselves.

We have recently started backing off a tad and I think we should continue to do so....and I'm certain it will come to a screeching halt when it's SD & BF's turn to pay. I suppose I sound partial by saying this and I don't mean to, but my kid is a college student living w/ us (not a lot of $ rolling in for her), my kid's BF is very generous (and financially able) and probably would jump at the chance to "give back" to us as we've given to him. SD's BF? Well, we already saw what he was made of the day we gave them a house full of furniture - delivered it - carried up 3 flights of stairs (SD, DH, and I...BF not at home) went to pick up a little cheap mexican food and he advised the waiter to "split the check" WOW!

And I think you understand my point best. The conversation concerning the reservation included everyone - verbally - sitting around the kitchen counter - everyone had a chance to speak up about what would work best and he didn't say a word until after the reservations were made. And I think what bothers me most is that my husband didn't understand my frustration with the whole thing

WOW...not sure why I was so

WOW...not sure why I was so silly to think I was the only one LOL...it's refreshing to hear a similar story. Yeah, about that "only fair" thing - I think SD thinks that alot, won't say it to me or my DH. Early in dating, DH was still getting hit up for $ (once she called him crying b/c she was short $$ for vacation :jawdrop: ...REALLY? My kid knows I would laugh in her face for vacation $$...gas? food? sure....not entertainment. That's what her PT job is for.

I think getting them engaged in some responsibility at home is a great idea! I will say that all of them (SD, BD, and BFs) have offered to help clean up, set table, etc., but I never take them up on it and that's my fault for being such an enabler I suppose. I resolve to do better and not feel bad about speaking up. THANKS!!!!!

Tell DH to just hand her his

Tell DH to just hand her his ATM card n give her the PIN number. WTF ???

When does the gravy train dry up ???

LOL...she'd love that. Good

LOL...she'd love that.
Good question...I think she feels a little jealous of the one at home and compares herself to her, but they are in completely different situations. The college kid is still dependent on us for support. SD made her choice not to pursue a better career interest and wind up broke living w/ her boyfriend and struggling...we practically furnished their whole apartment when they moved in together AND delivered it AND carried it up 3 flights of stairs while her BF was at work (I guess it wasn't important for him to move his own furniture).

Again, it SD's BF w/ the

Again, it SD's BF w/ the scheduling conflict that started the problem when he has given every opportunity to speak up just one day prior and said nothing.

Thanks for the advice . The

Thanks for the advice :). The thought has definitely crossed my mind that neither BF should be considered in the plans we make w/ our kids...if they can make it, fine...if not, that's ok too.
...just want to be clear though, the dinner wasn't centered around my kid's BF's schedule, it was around the SD's BF's schedule.
I am committed to maintaining harmony, but I don't appreciate a "grown" 26YO running to Daddy to complain about something that they could have handled on their own. My "BOOO FREAKIN' WHOOOOO" comment was only made on my post...I didn't blow up on my husband. My only rebuttle to his anger was that the 2 girls should have worked it out on their own w/o involving either of us.

This. You and OH need to sit

This.

You and OH need to sit these young ladies down and tell them to discuss and work it out like adults or no birthday dinner.

Do not EVER again either of you come tattling to your father or I about the other, you are grown women and you need to start learning how to resolve your problems like adults.

good plan, if cutting all

good plan, if cutting all that off brings peace, then okay! Neither I or my husband are obligated to cater to silliness

If I read correctly, DH and

If I read correctly, DH and you as a couple have only been together (dating/married) for 10 months. If so, this was the first double birthday party for the girls. With neither having a sibling prior to this birthday and neither having had to share 'their day' before this dinner, I think the planning on DH/your part went poorly.

It sounds like the joint dinner party was planned but between planning/reservations being made and the actual evening event, the SD's BF had work hour/day change. I can understand the SD being upset to think the dinner party goes on as planned. This is her birthday dinner also. The man she loves and lives with fulltime now can't make it that night. Your DD refuses to have 'her day' ruined by backing down to the SS's 'day ruined'...both girl's complain to their parent ho are co-host of the joint event.

Seriously? Why not give each girl their own 'their day'? These grown women barely know each other (no matter how hard you've tried to shove them together and make them family together). They both deserve recognized by their parent on their birthday if that is what their parent wants to do. They shouldn't be forced to share it and/or to fight together over who wins. That's serving no good in your attempt to have this be a happily ever-after family. You and husband take one out when that one can attend and then take the other one out on anther night when they can attend. Or do nothing for either one of them. Or cook a dinner at home on a night with no reservations needed and on an evening where both can attend and include their BF and SO.

You and DH brought this upset on all by yourselves by expecting two women to share their day (individual birthday) with each other and then allowing one girl over the other to pull a power play. Then naturally the parents (you and husband) ended up lining up behind your respect adult child.

Bad move all around.

Meh, I don't think it much

Meh, I don't think it much matters. Not when one considers also this statement "I think when the 2 girls have a difference, they should hash it out on their own...that's how we've always done it".

The couple appears to be encouraging pitting the two daughters against each other. Uh, ok? So let's let the two adult stepsisters just verbally 'duke' it out and then inform us (OP and DH) know which one caves and which one wins? Yeah sounds like a healthy family bonding experience activity *giggle-giggle, snort*

Oh well, I guess the OP and her husband will learn the hard way.

Definitely not pitting the 2

Definitely not pitting the 2 against each other...never. However, conflict resolution is a part of being an adult....mommy and daddy can't always fix everything

...not the first double

...not the first double birthday...we did the same thing last year and frequently (almost weekly) do a family night (casual @ home or a quick bite @ a local dive)...it's worked well
We have never tried to "shove" them together. We've only tried to facilitate time together as a family, b/c that's what families do, right? I don't agree w/ separating things...it negates what we have worked to accomplish thus far...
I do agree that my DH and I brought this on ourselves, but only with good intentions