My crazy family again... not step-related
I almost forgot about the Christmas Day 2014 shunning incident, due to illness mentioned in previous post and feeling like I was hit by a truck.
A little backstory; my grandma has 2 sons, and my dad is not the "favorite."
The past 14 years I have not received anything from my grandmother and (then) grandfather for any holiday, including Christmas. I had just chalked it up to no longer being a child. This was until I found out from my half sister that all of our younger brothers were receiving cards with $100 for Christmas.
Fast forward to early fall of this year. My grandfather, who has not been involved in, or interested in my life at all whasoever for the aforementioned 14 years,passed away. Prior to his death, he was moved to hospice, and my half-sister and I had a whole conversation about if we were going to see Grandpa. I said that I felt obligated to, but I DID NOT want to go by myself, and if anyone was going to let me know and I would tag along. Two days before he died, a whole group of them went down to see Grandpa, and nobody said a word to me. Needless to say, I didn't go to see him.
So this Christmas it was a BIG DEAL that everybody made the drive down to Grandma's for the holiday since it was the first holiday after Grandpa died. There was a bit of a lull before dinner and people were passing out gifts. My grandma comes over with a stack of cards and gives one to my half-sister and my brother who were sitting at the table with me, and then went on to another group of people.
I seriously wanted to just get into the car and leave at that point. I am so done with this family, and I don't really have a clue what it is that I did to them that they treat me this way. If someone could give me one friggin' clue about what I did to all of these people that would be great! I told SO I was going to find a support group for people that don't have families and pick out a new one that might appreciate me.
All of the siblings are supposed to be getting together at my sister's house tonight for NYE, and I don't feel like going anymore. I would rather stay home in my own house where I feel comfortable and wanted than go over there.
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I wish I had the balls to do
I wish I had the balls to do that!
That is the even sadder part! I have given her a card every year! Granted, I don't give my grandmother a wad of cash, but I figure pictures of her grandkids and Santa photos is enough from someone who doesn't matter anyway.
I also forgot, my uncles kids were at the bar drinking, and would belch every few minutes and say "That's for you, Grandma!" Seriously?!
Awwwww... I have no words of
Awwwww... I have no words of advice. My family (on my mom's side) is in the middle of a family feud and our family is literally split in half. We used to be a big family, 3+ generations that all hung out and visited, etc.
For 2 years I managed to stay somewhat neutral.
Now my Uncle (mom's brother) he is the one who is mad at half the family and rallied for the other half to be on his side.
I called him and his GF the day after Christmas and was told by the GF "Your uncle doesnt want to talk to you and I'm not allowed to talk to you either." and hung up on me. Not surprised as he has cut everyone else off for no reason, but my feelings are still hurt.
I go back and forth on that
I go back and forth on that idea, honestly. I just don't have friends or a support system to fall back on if I decide to desert my family.
That is also the reason that SO and I aren't married yet. I feel like I "owe" certain people (my parents mainly) a "proper" wedding since I screwed up when I was younger and did everything backwards and maybe if I did the wedding right then they might have a shred of respect for me.
We are about 95% decided on eloping at this point. If someone is really butt hurt that there wasn't a wedding for them to be invited to, and they want to throw us a party/reception (hahahahahaha) then so be it.
I don't know why i feel that I owe them any loyalties, though. I understand my parents had the job of raising me, and I should be grateful to not have been drowned in a river, but I still believe that many things they did caused me to get into trouble as a teenager.
Annith, I find your comments
Annith, I find your comments to be usually very kind, although I disagree with you for part of this one.
OP, I don't think you should ask Granny why she behaves this way - unless you did something deliberately to hurt Granny, you have nothing to feel guilty about. And whatever Granny says, you know she'll find something in your past, that you once did, that she'll claim is the cause of this breach. Who knows what it is... and who cares? If Granny wanted to mend fences, she would have contacted you the moment she got angry or hurt so that you could work it out! If this is some kind of feud because she prefers your uncle to your dad... well, you can't solve that!
But the rest of Annith's advice is spot-on. Good relationships build energy. Negative ones drain you... those negative people are psychic vampires, sucking away your sense of humour and self-confidence. Move on, spend your time with people who delight you, who encourage you, who are happy you are exactly who you are.
I guess the reason I would
I guess the reason I would suggest the OP *not* pursue talking about it in this case is because the OP suggests it's been going on for a long time. People get set in their ways. If Granny isn't usually nice to the OP, then I think the OP can choose to not care about Granny's rude behaviour.
If it were sudden on Granny's part, then yes - talking about it is *always* my go-to move! But honestly, the OP sounds like she's been treated harshly by her family in general, so I'd recommend she finds ways to make them less important. She mentioned looking at her wedding as a chance to heal old wounds - but some people are so entrenched in warfare they don't want to heal. And so the OP will get hurt by trying to make others happy.
But yes, if the OP has never tried talking about it... then maybe clearing the air would do the trick. I just hope that Granny doesn't have a whole lot of angry smoke saved up to blow! (Just thinking of how that conversation would go with most of my family member... yikes!)
I'm learning the hard way
I'm learning the hard way that these things happen in families.
My father is older, and I am the one taking the most care of him. I found him an assisted living facility, I make sure he sees doctors that don't go there, I handle his finances, and I'm the one he calls to complain about every little thing. All...the...time. For Christmas, I had a canvas made with old photos of my mother and father. When he opened it, he cried. Then he thanked my brother even though the tag clearly said it was from me. And the card he gave me for Christmas said how "he's so thankful for friends like us" (Friends?? I'm his only daughter!). I don't care about not getting money, but he gave my brother money and not me. I'm so sick of being taken for granted when I'm the only one who takes care of him!
My in-laws no longer acknowledge SD23. They haven't acknowledged her since she graduated high school. At my boys' baptisms, MIL sat next to SD23, and never said a word. I don't entirely blame MIL, but SD23 is her first grandchild...and MIL likes to proclaim she's family oriented. SMH
If you are truly clueless as
If you are truly clueless as to why she does it, I would ask. What do you have to lose? Maybe there is a chance something happened that was taken out of context or misconstrued and it could be repaired. Or maybe not. But I doubt anything she said would hurt your feelings at this point any more than they are.
And if she's simply a petty bully over some long-ago perceived slight, I bet she would stop if called on it.
Or not... but really, what is there to lose? Maybe some family member told her you hated her 14 years ago. You never know.