Teenager making BIG drama again
Hi everyone. Sorry I have been MIA for awhile. I had some very bad financial situations and work emergencies that have taken all my time for the past year and I was not able to give back and pay the support forward that I have gotten on this site as much as I would have liked to. Right now the work related emergencies are coming to a long drawn out close finally so I am not being distracted as much and forced to deal with what has recently transpired in my home.
Stepdaughter now 17 is in a mental institution because her father took away a privledge and she said she wanted to kill herself. She has been in there for a few weeks now and we have found out from her friends that she has a big drug problem. So this would explain the depression and wanting to kill herself. The doctors and her father have been working together but she is not willing to go from the hospital to a treatment center and is denying the drug problem. Her father has finally gotten his head out of his ass and is slowly realizing that he has made a mistake by not parenting her and disciplining her at all and he is also waking up to the fact that she has a drug problem even though I have known this for years. I am convinced that she did not want to kill herself, she just needed to do something drastic because she has only ever had a privledge taken away from her once before in the five years that I have lived with them full time. So the feigned suicide threat came from her not getting her way basically.
Okay so that is not shocking to me at all and I am not surprised by any of this. The part that I am worried about is that she may be coming home to live with us
without being put in a drug treatment program and she also refuses to do 12 step meetings or even acknowledge the problem. So now I am writing this because I think I will be needing some support when she comes home. She is already writing her dad letters saying that he gives me more affection than her and blah blah blah and making him feel guilty because this is what she knows to work in the past. And also I am sure she is trying to put the blame on him so she does not have to look at her own part or problems. This guy has bent over backwards for her and given her all the affection in the world. And we have not been affectionate at all in light of all this stuff going on. So I am just really scared now of her coming home and having to deal with this drama. I have not gone to visit her in the hospital nor do I want to at this point. I am not sure when she is coming home and I am at my wits end with her drama. Thanks for letting me vent, I do not have any questions I guess just if anyone has any experience with this or can give me some pep talk about how to handle it and how I can stay disengaged from this. I need some reminders about this. I learned how to disengage from you guys before and that really helped me through some rough times. Thank you all for being here.
If you have to let her move
If you have to let her move in, can you set some requirements? First would be that she has to be in some sort of a drug treatment program. She has to submit to random drug testing. She needs to work or go to school. Then set consequences if she doesn't do these things.
You have my sympathies - it sounds like a hard situation. I'm sure those with more experience than I have will give you more advice.
This is good advice. My DS
This is good advice. My DS had drug problems when he was a teen (be 30 in 2 months...yikes, I'm old). When him and DIL got clean, I had to do this type of thing...I will help with A, but you have to do B and C. Make realistic goals and just a few at a time.
This was very hard to go thru as a parent, I could never do it as a SM especially with BM and DSO shitty parenting.
Good luck to your SD.
Hi Everyone, Thank you for
Hi Everyone,
Thank you for the comments. She has lived with us full time for five years. Her mother is mentally unfit and lives on the streets. I have never met her mother. My DH has been the typical guilty dad and let her slide on discipline for years. I started practicing disengagement about a year ago with the help I got on this site because it was ruining our relationship to fight over it all the time.
So now, after this last episode, he has finally woken up. Her friends have confirmed that she has a drug problem and I think his denial is actually wearing off although he still goes back into it from time to time. At any rate, I have seen him actually take bigger steps than he ever has and he says that now he will actually give her rules and random drug testing when she gets out. She is being released in the next couple of days and she is not able to get transferred to a drug treatment center because her insurance will not cover it and we do not have the kind of money that will take.
Also, she is still unwilling to admit she has a problem and is still denying the drug use so no one in the family is willing to foot the bill for this until she is willing to wake up and stop blaming everyone else for her problems.
Basically I guess where I am at now is that I have to see if he actually does stick to what he says he will do and if he will enforce the rules he is going to put in place. Because he has raised his kids the way he has and pushed me or anyone else out of the picture in helping him over the years he is faced with dealing with this on his own. I cannot just start butting in now after being disengaged for so long as it will just cause more friction and also I really do not want to get involved in that again for my own sanity.
I just hope I can be an observer and not let the stress of the situation get to me. I get very triggered when I hear her speak to him and when I hear her lies and manipulations thrown his way and then when he buckles I get even more triggered. So I am hoping that I can get more serene and let this roll off like water on a ducks back but I just do not know how much I can take.
I have voiced that I am at my wits end and he can tell that I am lacking any compassion for the situation at all anymore.
Anyhow, the rules are supposed to be written up tonight by DH along with consequences and the whole nine but I just do not have much faith that he will stick to them because he has not in the past.
He started going to some twelve step meetings for codependancy and I hope he can keep that up also. I have seen some changes in him in the last few weeks but she has not been in the house and since I just found out today that she is coming home this week I am a little nervous.
Thank you all for being here. I hope he can stick to it and I will check back here over the next few days because I feel like I will need the support as she comes home and we transition into what happens next.
Just in case I was not clear,
Just in case I was not clear, she was living with us full time before this episode and is still a minor and that is why she is coming back to us and not going anywhere else.
So she is coming home tonight
So she is coming home tonight and DH has written up a contract for her to sign on how she will behave in our house. I will be amazed if he actually gives it to her. I am just waiting and watching. She had the doctors all convinced that she does not have a drug problem so he pulled her out of that hospital. We both can't believe it. She has a normal family therapist who is now on board with us finally and sees the drug problem so hopefully the therapist will help navigate some changes and a plan. Thank you everyone for being here.