Feeling so many feelings
I guess this is typical, things build up.
I am caught right now in a "my kids vs your kids" thoughts and feeling resentment towards everyone in the house.
Parenting with someone in this type of situation seems impossible. I am sure I am not the easiest to parent with either.
Last night I went to town with my feelings I had held in about my SD. She is 5, she is spoiled, and I love her but our house is all about "her" and "her problems.
I told her dad she needs rules and structure and consistency heck all the kids do. He overcompensates because apparantly her mother is so mean to her.
Her mother does do things she shouldn't (slanders dad behind his back to the kids, plays games, sends messages throught the children) and she yells at the little girl to get back to bed. (which is a major issue). Apparatnly she used to lock her in her room so he is so careful in doing ANYTHIGN that will make her feel reminded of her mommy's house.
I blew up- FUCK, it is not like she is being sexually abused, physically abused or mentally tortured. Everything is about her. I still believe she needs rules, he is confusing rigidness with structure. We don't need rigidness.
She bothers me lately and I feel guilty.
I am sorry buddy, your kids are wonderful but HELLO, I have kids too and I am here to and I am sorry I am not all shits and giggles when they show up, I find it stressful, this whole thing I find stressful.
In his eyes his daughter is perfect, shit she has no manners, cannot sit still, runs everywhere and plays it thick milking it with her needs. She is mean to her brother and she did not choose this life of back and forth.
She is sweet sometimes- alot of the time, and she adores me but I am tired of many things that she gets away with and how her reinforces her negative behaviors without knowing.
He told me I am delusional.
Whatever.
Then he started in on my kids. I guess I should not have attacked every little things that came out with my feelings, they just kinda flooded out. I was so stressed out to tell him, then he started to talk rude to me....
We ended it on a good note. Somewhat.
I do love his daughter.
I just wish I never felt this discontented, diconnected, only see my own kids every other week, his kids are in and out of our lives.
I feel guilty. All I want to do is grab that little girl and hug her. All I want to do is be the best mommy to all the kids. I am under a lot of stress right now and it is comig out in different ways.
Hey, this is workable! It
Hey, this is workable! It sounds like you can talk to him, you do care for his child too and want to mother all the kids! He has got it made with you, he just has to set limits for his too! That is saying a lot in my book!
_________________________________________________________
"The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself." -
Will Rogers
He's worried about a couple
He's worried about a couple of things. You've mentioned he considers his ex wife to be overly strict.
Plus he may be worried that the day will come in which, if he doesn't please the kid, she'll say she doesn't want to visit anymore.
I'm assuming he is the non-custodial parent or at least the kids spend most of their time with mom. He needs to understand that the kid needs consistency - just like you said. It would be better to be too harsh than have the kid bouncing from one set of rules to another that are so far apart. As you've observed she is well capable to taking that advantage to the hilt.
He further needs to understand that he is not doing the kid any favors. He needs to steel himself that despite the fact that the kid may not "like" him "anymore" (which will pass of course) his first obligation is to raise an adult not a adult brat.
Go to Amazon.com or your favorite bookstore and find books on being a non-custodial father and buy them for him. He will take this advise far better from a author than he will from you.