need advice
Forums:
I am 27 recently married. My husband has 3 kids. The kids mother is not in their loves at all. I knew this while we were dating. They can be very disrespectful sometimes. The oldest has no manners. They are 7,6 & 4. Still young. I want my own babies but his 3 kids make me question if I'll ever have my own. I sometimes feel unappreciated. Just feel depressed lately. I love my husband but am questioning my ability to be a stepmom. Any advice?
agree with cat on this. love
agree with cat on this. love is not enough. in fact dh can indeed love you but not enough. that is my case. it finally sunk in that sds meant more to him than me. after twenty yrs of marriage i dont count. hard to face up to it but the signs were there all along.
What exactly are you
What exactly are you questioning?
- If you're a good stepson?
- If you actually want children with him?
- You are worried your kids will turn out the same?
Not clear on what you're asking about exactly
I guess I've been frustrated
I guess I've been frustrated lately and questioning if I'm a good stepmom..it's much harder then I thought.
It's not the baby thing we
It's not the baby thing we fight about. I just question if I'll still want my own. His 3 kids have had it rough. Their mother abandon them almost 3 years ago. I try to be understanding. Me and my husband make a great team. I feel guilty for feeling his kids are the reason my future is put on the back burner. Does anybody else feel similar? Does stepparenting get any easier?
Don't feel guilty. I left my
Don't feel guilty. I left my husband because of the skids...although if i'm honest, it was his behaviour around them that I found unbearable. When the two of us were alone together, he was wonderful and we were good together, but with the skids around (They lived with us full time. BM is an alcoholic, so out of their lives, so like you, I tried to be understanding, etc), he was a different man and neglectful of me. I felt like an outsider when they were around.
I did try talking to him about this, but he didn't listen. He was the typical dad, overcompensating for the absent mother. I decided to leave and i'm so much happier and content with life.
I'm not saying that's right for you, but you do need to be selfish and think carefully about what's best for you and your happiness. Don't feel guilty for wanting the best and happiest life for yourself.
Thank you sally for your
Thank you sally for your honesty. Your post was helpful.
Your skids are young. There
Your skids are young. There is no reason why you and your DH can't team and work together to address any inappropriate Skid behavior (buy a paddle and use it when necessary), accomplish the goals you each have and do it as a team, have your own child(ren), and live a rewarding marriage and life together.
My bride and I just celebrated our 20th. SS-22 officiated at our vow renewal on our anniversary. We raised him as a team, partnered in life to meet our individual educational and professional goals, and are living an amazing adventure on the push for retirement. We were unable to have another child due to health issues but we would have if we could.
The key is for you and your DH to make each other and your marriage the unchallenged priority for both of you. The kids (regardless of biology) are the top marital responsibility but the marriage is the one and only priority always. Kids grow up and move on to their own lives and their own families. If a couple does not commit to the priority of their own marriage and makes the far too frequent mistake of making the kids the priority then the marriage is ultimately a waste of time and undoubtedly destined for failure at worst and an unhappy state of tolerated at best.
Be a team, live your goals and dreams together. It works. At least it is for my bride and I … so far.
IMHO of course.
Good luck.
I have been with my husband
I have been with my husband for a little over 3 years now, and am in the same boat as you (except I never had an overwhelming desire to have children). Their mom is in and out of the picture; we have the kids 100% during the school year and her parents have the kids during the summer. I fell in love with him and his kids, and early on in the relationship (before we were married) I inserted myself into his family to help him out with parenting, trying to make it easier for him to raise them (he had just gotten full custody right after I met him). Both his kids, (then 4 and 6) were impolite, threw temper tantrums/had melt downs constantly, and had no idea how to listen. I would be damned if I would live in a house like that. I slowly showed them other ways, and now (ages 7 and 9), they behave, for the most part, how I would expect my own children to behave.
Although, now, I feel almost as if all of the responsibility is on me to raise them. My husband leaves early to work, so I wake up and get the kids ready, he gets home after they get home, so I give them a snack and help them with their homework. I feel overloaded many days and I am struggling to get to the part where I was happy again rather that being resentful.
I have read a few posts where other stepparents say that their skids have two parents, so they don't need to be as involved, which I do somewhat agree with. However, it sound like your skids don't, and maybe they're holding on to some of their own resentment that has nothing to do with you, but maybe it transfers over to you.
Step parenting is SO hard and confusing and frustrating because they aren't YOUR children. However, they are still children, and what they are seeking is love, acceptance, understanding, and structure. You should look for your own place in that family, the place that works for you and for them. Talk to them, each at their separate age levels, and ask them what kind of step mom they want you to be and what kind of family they want. Then talk with them to let them know what kind of step kids you want to have, what kind of home you want to have, and what kind of family you want to have. You are the adult and you should be the one to set the expectations for your household, and if your husband wants to jump on board with that, even better!
Often times, this responsibility does lead to me feeling under appreciated and pissed off that my life is controlled by his children and not by me, but then I have to remind myself that I married him knowing that his lifestyle was different than mine. And sometimes I have to remind him that I need a few nights/days in my old lifestyle. Also, if you really do want children, there are three in your household that you can, not make them your own, but make the situation your own. And if it helps, my sister has two babies of her own right now, and she said she often feels like escaping and running away as well, so maybe that feeling of not being appreciated and being overwhelmed is just a part of parenting in general, whether it's bio or step.