Manipulative 4 year old SD
I have 6 kids. I have three boys that are from my previous marriage, a step-daughter from my husband's previous marriage, a step daughter from my husband's previous relationship, and a daughter from the both of us. The step daughter from my husband's previous marriage we get every other weekend. My husband's daughter from his previous relationship is 4 and is so manipulative. Her BM is deceased, and she has never had a permanent mother figure in her life until my husband and I started dating just over two years ago; we recently were married.
I don't even want to be in the same room as my SD, especially when my husband comes home. My SD hangs all over my husband, whines, throws fits when she doesn't get her way, acts older than her age, is verbally abusive to our other children, tries to do things for my husband that a spouse or he should do (mainly chores), she even tries to take on the mother role of our 4 1/2 month old daughter when she thinks I'm not paying attention. The second my husband gets home from work, she runs to the door and talks his ear off for the first twenty minutes he's home.
I'm not the type of person to use the word "hate" much but I hate her!!! She has another problem...she has humped pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals ever since my husband and I started dating. I have questioned my husband about her behavior several times, and he doesn't know where she learned this behavior from. He said she had this type of behavior since she was an infant. It has gotten out of hand. She won't hump objects in the living room or around anyone anymore, but she goes to her room when no one is paying attention to her and rubs herself raw. This happens at least a few times a week. We have both tried to talk to her, moreso me since it should be a mother/daughter thing to talk about, but nothing seems to phase her behavior. I have even taken her to a child psychiatrist and our family doctor. She does not seem to be ashamed of this behavior, rather plays dumb to what you're talking about.
Getting back to her other behavior...Her half sister does not want to come over on the weekends because of our 4 year old. My boys can't stand her because she is always throwing a fit when they don't give her what she wants or let her play with them. She is constantly trying to take things from others and has an attitude towards others, but she doesn't act like this at preschool. She acts like the perfect angel at school. According to her teachers, she is very she but does everything the teachers ask her to do. I have noticed when we go places or even having supper, she has to be the first one to do anything and if she doesn't get to go first, she makes a scene.
She is also stubbornly independent. She tends to want to do things all by herself. For example, she will climb on the cupboards to get food first thing in the morning. My concern is this is completely unsafe and she simply should wait until I get a bowl and the cereal for her. The second I am not paying any attention, she will go in the kitchen and help herself. When I notice and ask her why she didn't wait, she just gives me a dumb look like "I'm going to do what I want to do regardless of what you say". We have a four and a half month old that I get busy with during the day, and the second I am not paying any attention, my SD will do whatever she wants to do regardless of the rules. My my husband and I first started dating, my SD was 2 1/2 years old, and I chalked most of her behavior up to simply not having other siblings around regularly and no mother, but her behaviors have escalated in the past two years. I have put my foot down several times and have been consistent in disciplining, but she is always undermining me. I feel bad that she lost her mother just six days after she was born, but enough is enough. It seems as though she doesn't want a mother or siblings. I am beyond losing my sanity and just wish I could send her somewhere to get the help she needs!!!
You mention that you "feel
You mention that you "feel bad" that she lost her mother at a young age, may I ask whether this sympathy colours how you and your dh parent and interact with sd4?
It sounds like your sd is a strong character and is intent on doing things HER way, however does she ever get shown by her father
That she must learn her place? I.e. so as most children do, if they are permitted to get away with it without check, they dominate their parent, siblings attention and demand to be the centre of everyones attention. It is deeply irritating to me when a child does this and the parents permit it. So e.g. your dh comes in from work, it would be his job to tell sd4 to wait while he greets you first and then she gets attention. I say this because it sounds like your sd desperately needs to learn the valuable lesson of patience, that she doesnt and cant always comes first. Its called tough love, as currently it sounds like sd's head strong, demanding ways are being nutured and she developing into a brat. How does dh manage this demanding?
You say she has seen doctors, what have they said? Have you considered watching her diet more closely? I ask as I had what is now called adhd and a diet in sugar, colours, flavourings can only cause an already challenging child to become more difficult, although I suspect that your dh has felt such pity, concern for sd4 over losing her bm this has caused him to nuture dysfunctional, behaviour and you may be a little soft at times due to guilt over this and perhaps dh encouraging you to ignore, pander rather than everyone realising its not healthy for sd nor in her best interest to allow her to continue acting like this, withoutserious challenge. As the more she acts this way, the more disliked she is.
I can only speak for myself
I can only speak for myself and not my husband as far as sympathy goes. I do not show any sympathy towards her and never have. A mother provides structure, nurturing, and helps to mold and shape her child from the start. I am a strong believer in "tough love". Unfortunately, she never had this it seems until I came along. I have tried everything that I know of and have read to get through to her. As far as her negative behavior, time-outs, early bedtime, taking toys away, taking tv away, taking playtime away, etc., nothing phases her.
I took all of my children, including her, to the library tonight. I told all of the kids that they needed to behave right before we went in otherwise they will go straight to bed (no running around, yelling, or pulling books or movies off the shelves). The first thing she did the second she noticed I wasn't paying any attention was running around the movie shelves. I gave her one warning. She then proceeded to pull movies off the shelves, and that was it. I sat her in a chair and said since she did not listen it was straight to bed when we returned home. Nothing seems to phase her. I can offer rewards such as spending some time just the two of us shopping or painting our nails, etc. but nothing works. The doctors that she has seen tell us to bring her to therapy. This is the only answer we have received from anyone. As far as her diet goes, I prepare balanced meals with little to no sugar. Our kids do not get juice very often and actually drink lots of water, since we have a water dispenser on our fridge. I'm so exhausted with wracking my brain, the internet, and our local library for ideas! I understand that both parents should be involved and we both are, myself moreso since my husband works two jobs. Any suggestions?
Parenting classes for you and
Parenting classes for you and DH, therapy for SD, and then consistency, rigid consistency, from you and DH in every area of her life.
Okay, as for the sexual
Okay, as for the sexual thing/humping...believe it or not, it's perfectly normal. You are only going to traumatize her by telling her it's wrong and forcing her to try and talk to a psychiatrist about it. If i were you, I would just continue to teach her that, that is something that is done IN PRIVATE and no one should ever see her do it. She does it in the privacy of her own room with the door shut and not around anyone, adults, other kids, etc.
You already said she does it in private, so I would just make sure she understands that it needs to stay that way.
She does seem very independent. You guys have a lot of kids, and it seems like she is trying to make herself known and in her father's attention.
She's also only 4....my SD is 6 and I remember vividly that when she was 3-4 years old, she was such an ass kisser to DH. Always up his butt, or squeezing herself between the two of us. It has died down A LOT now that she is older. So there is hope.
Have you tried talking to her one - on - one? Or maybe have DH talk to her. Ask her what's going on, how she feels, and why it's making her act the way that she is. Get to the bottom of it. IT may just be the way she is - or it may just be something else.
"Get off the counter it is
"Get off the counter it is not safe! The next time you are on that counter you will sit on the step for four minutes with out carrying on!" Then follow through, if she gets up you walk her back with out words. It will be a long week but it will pay off in the end. Read 123 Magic it would help you a lot and try The Love and Logic Parenting approach too, it should do the trick. I agree with the other posters, get some classes and some counseling. She will not outgrow her ways if they have a pay off for her.
When my sd was 5 she was
When my sd was 5 she was extremely manipulative.
Could you give her jobs she can do such as lay the table instead of getting a bowl out? Also a class or two a week if you have the financial means for dance/gymnastics or something she has shown an interest in. Something active though! It sounds as though she is very insecure about her place in the family and just wants daddy to overcompensate. If he goes shopping, send sd too for one on one time even if it's only grocery shopping. Be consistent in your consequences and make sure your husband is too. Good luck!