How do we respond to this? PAS BS
BM is PASing the skids terribly. When the skids were returned 2 weekends ago, the OSS was crying. When he went home BM sent him to his room and told him to stop crying that his Dad was an "idiot." Then DH picks up the skids tonight and immediately (no prompting) they begin with "Mommy and (her) BF are saying mean things about you and Mumzy79, and we don't like it." These poor kids are being told constantly not to like us, we are "idiots" and the list goes on. How are we supposed to fix this? These poor skids are hurting and I have no godly idea how to combat this. We live too far to take them to therapy. We are worried. Any suggestions.
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Hi Mumzy - This is what DH
Hi Mumzy - This is what DH and I did - way before we started SD in therapy.
SD was hearing all kinds of bad things about her dad and I ... not as much from her mom, but from her mom's family. So SD's aunts and grandma were basically saying things to SD like, "Why do you like Stick so much, she's not your mom?" "You treat Stick better than you treat your own mom."... "Stick is NOTHING to you." This is after years of me being in SD's life!!
So, DH and I just encouraged SD to be able to talk to us. It took a lot for me to not get too angry.
Sometimes I would tell SD... Oh... they are just saying those things because they think it makes your mom feel better. Or they are trying to protect your mom.
Sometimes I would get angry and tell SD that the next time anyone has ANYTHING to say to her about me, she is to politely tell them she doesn't want to hear it and then they can call me and tell me DIRECTLY how they feel. I told her it was inappropriate for them to say those kinds of things to her (that's not PAS in my opinion, that's basic common sense). I kind of laughed when I said it, like I'm some "tough guy"... and made SD laugh too... but it sort of took her out of the middle.
If DH and I were in your position, I believe I would just say to your skids, ... "Listen honey.. I'm sorry that you have to hear those things. I'm sure you don't like it. We don't like it either..... BUT .. sometimes people say things when they are angry that they don't mean. " And also - LET THE SKIDS ask you any questions they want. In my opinion, it is super important to keep the lines of communication open and address the issues.
Also... combat their lies with FACTS. When BM and her family kept telling SD how DH and I made "a ton of money" and let BM suffer, we finally had had enough and told SD the truth. We said we didn't want to, but we were afraid that if she only heard that she might believe it. .... So this is what we are doing, and we feel she can figure out the truth for herself.
Finally... YOUR DH or EVEN YOU... One of you guys has to confront BM. DH did... but so did I. Neither one of us let it slide. And we heard the whole "Oh my mother is so old and she's from Italy and I can't control what she says..." blah blah f*cking blah. DH told BM ... Get it under control. This is going to stop and if you take this out on the skids, we will pursue legal action. Tell the SKIDS ahead of time that you are going to talk to BM and tell her to stop saying those things... that it hurts you and it hurts them. So when BM and her stupid BF start saying more sh*t - the kids aren't caught unaware.
THE MOST IMPORTANT ADVICE I CAN GIVE YOU FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE - IN MY OWN OPINION - is to keep the lines of communication open with the kids... tell them your "side" without trashing BM.... and let them ask any questions they want. Also be very very sure that the skids know that you don't like it either and are telling BM to stop FOR THEIR OWN PROTECTION!!! It's really important for the skids to know that you are protecting them by taking up this fight.
That's my take on it. Good luck. And remember.... You can't be hurt by the truth. But you can be hurt by not helping the kids see the truth.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***
Wonderful advice thank you.
Wonderful advice thank you. It is so stupid, she is hurting the skids. Thank you again. Unfortunately I believe she has narcissistic personality disorder and bi polar. No matter what, even when caught in her own lies she always right. We will be emailing her to address this.
If she's NPD, then I suspect
If she's NPD, then I suspect she's a lot like BM over here. BM was never formally diagnosed, but DH and I both believe she is. SD's therapist believes BM is more histrionic. Either way, she was putting (and still is) her unresolved sh*t on SD. (As do we all, I'm sure. It's just some of us control it better!!
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Best of luck to you. And stay strong!!
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***