My first post
Gosh i dont even know where to start, basically i googled "stepmothers :depression" and realized im not alone. things with my life is a tad different to most of yours.
I am a SM to a 3 year old boy i have never met, due to the fact that the BM refuses for either my husband or myself to have a relationship with him, she is 23, im not a BM but i cant understand this.... i mean if anything happened to her, woldnt she want her child to know his dad? surely?
Anyway, today im feeling weird.
I know my husband for just over two year and knew what i signed up for when we got married 8 months ago.
I just never imagined it would be s difficult, i have PCOS and more than likely cant have kids (we havent tried yet, we decided to wait) but i feel so resentful towards the BM, i wish that my husband was my first, i wish that i had his child. but it didnt happen like that. he was her first, and she had his son, but i feel robbed, like its not fair, like i would be a great mom. but she gets to have it and she is such a bitch as well! when i found out about a lesion on my liver she said it was karma, if i say anything about how my SS looks exactly like his dad she start with her comments about how he is hers and im not allowed to brag about her son. like she is mean for no reason, once i emailed her and begged her to try to put the past behind them for the sake of their son - not rude, not one sided or anything and what did i get as a reply.... "you are nothing but a slut my childs father is screwing" now they still share the same friends and all these mutual friends say is that we dont give her enough credit, its hard being a single mom" even after i told her that i can only imagine how hard it is and we are here to help.
i hate feeling so resentful towards the situation, like the kid deserves better but also wishing that we never have to deal with mom.
Lets not even talk about the ins and outs of court for constant increase in support even though she lives with her parents and is out partying every week wearing designer clothes.
aaaarrrrgggghhhhhh i know i seem like a crazy person.
But is it normal to wish that they didnt exist?
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Comments
Hi, and thanks! Its a sticky
Hi, and thanks!
Its a sticky situation, they were never married and she moved to a different city the day she told him she was pregnent, the story that follows is a long one! i realised that i shouldn't get involved i think it just got too much for me when she started bad mouthing and insulting us on social media. and now i hate to admit this and i've never admitted it, but its like im obsessed with her, trying to find anything to prove what a bad mom she is. but then again, i yoyo, one day i feel so guilty for not pushing my h to have a relationship with his son, and the next day i want to cry at the thought of him having a son and the possibility of me not being able to give him that. how can i be so conflicted. Please help and direct me. im 25, none of my friends are married let alone in any situation like this, i never know who to talk to. im crying just writing this post.
Yes, it's normal to wish they
Yes, it's normal to wish they didn't exist.
Your husband needs to get his visitation rights established, pronto. If he wants a relationship with his son, that is.
No good will come from you contacting this kind of BM, as you have learned.
Thanks for popping in, today
Thanks for popping in, today is proving to be one of my bad days. i feel way more at ease though, reading through some posts.
On a different note, my hubby has been fighting them for two years, at some point last year he gave up and said he is putting so much into it, financially and emotionally (i cant tell you how many times i've seen him break down and how much debt we in because of bills and travelling) and he has given up. he says he is done fighting and he will tell his son when he is old enough what happened... so at this point am i a horrible person to not push him to fight more. am i totally selfish for thinking "ok now it behind us, i can just pretend they dont exist" i desperatly need someone to tell me i'm not the worse person in the world. We pay support every month and will continue to send him gifts but is it so bad for me to just put them out of my head?
I don't think you are a
I don't think you are a horrible person, you can't make your DH fight for something if he already feels defeated. Some SMs have done that and regretted it later.
Why is he having such a hard time getting visitation? I assume paternity has been established since he pays CS. How far away do they live?
I understand both of your frustrations. It's hard to keep putting money and emotions into something that is going nowhere and causing stress. Especially for you, who really has no emotional investment in the child, at this point.
I say, just support your husband in what he feels is the right thing to do. A person can only fight so much before it takes over their life. Not that his kid is not worth fighting for but it doesn't sound like it's doing any good for anybody involved.
Its about 500miles away from
Its about 500miles away from us, and he is a chef so its unpaid leave everytime, accomodation and travel.
Thank you for saying i'm not a horrible person, i just always have this nagging guilty feeling that the kid deserves better.
In South Africa, parental rights and CS are totally different, you have to pay CS whereas it doesn't ensure any parental rights,
I did this and totally
I did this and totally regretted it, sorry I'm late on this, but you need to know this is DH's fight not yours. This BM is intent on keeping you and DH at a distance. She will probably resort to pas, which is cruel and abusive, and causes more emotional damage to the kid. Take a step back and let it go. The sooner you do the happier you will begin to feel. DH and I disengaged a couple of years ago, and it's so much better for everyone involved. It's heartbreaking yes. It will hurt for a little while, but the only thing your letting go of is the expectation of what could have been. Not what was ever really real. Let go of the fantasy.
Hi, yes i understand what all
Hi, yes i understand what all of you guys are telling me, and im taking every comment to heart.
I never thought i would find anyone that would think these feelings are normal. its such a blessing to have found this site!
Im finally trying to let go, I hope things will get better soon.
Doctors arent very hopeful,
Doctors arent very hopeful, i've lost a ton of weight, but my ovaries are enlarged and my uterus is apparently more than likely too small (3 doctors later) they suggested that we try to start soon because more than likely i'll have to go for insemernation.
The rights for visitation... see above response, we have tried but she wastes our time, we fly to the city where she lives, file an order and then come home, we go up for a hearing again and told its postponed.... she keeps doing this... the laws in SA are dismal with parental rights and CS has nothing to do with parental rights here.
South Africa
South Africa
I know you are trying to be
I know you are trying to be helpful, but PCOS is related to fertility issues a lot of the time. I have had several friends (both overweight and at a healthy weight) that were told getting pregnant naturally would be impossible due to their condition.
Its ok, not everyone is clued
Its ok, not everyone is clued up on it. and i know our situation seems weird. I know how it looks to other people:)
Thank you
Thank you
Thank you so much i wish i
Thank you so much
i wish i could stop worrying. at this point i dont know how. i really appreciate you popping in and you actually made me smile. Thank you so much!
Never communicate with BM.
Never communicate with BM. That goes a long way to happiness in these marriages. We have all made this mistake, so learn from us.
Also, do not friend her on Facebook. This helps as well. Do not call your Stepkid, your kid. That also helps.
Enjoy your marriage, and your youth and stay out of this crap.
Lady Sav, if your DH pays CS
Lady Sav, if your DH pays CS and has been identified as the child's father, then he has full parental rights under the Children's Act. If you are going to court, obviously their mediation failed.
Why did it fail and what issue are you going to court over?
Ripley, thank you so much for
Ripley, thank you so much for sharing, you made me feel kinda normal, for once.
sometimes I think I'm going totally crazy,other times I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it when he gets into our lives. I so much appreciate you telling me this and I'm going to try my best to take everyone's advice. I've never felt so completely comfortable. I'm So scared of being judged. Have a lovely night. Again thank you everyone for the kind words and advice!
Everything Ripley says. I was
Everything Ripley says. I was obsessive about BM too for a long time. She used to contact me from time to time to vent whatever was in her spleen, which didn't help. I learnt not to reply. Now her email is blocked. I blocked her on FaceBook as well and her phone number is blocked. As much as possible I try really hard to pretend she doesn't exist. When there's drama that she causes, it still upsets me, but I'm usually able to talk myself down from that cliff and concentrate on the "not my circus, not my monkeys" thing. Cause it has been a circus - my DH and his ex. SOO dysfunctional I can't begin to tell you. I was sucked into it obsessively for a long time.
Ripley is right about trying to focus on your own happiness. The best revenge/approach to a crazy BM is to live a happy life.
Thanks Effie, Its difficult
Thanks Effie,
Its difficult tho, like my MIL is going to the city where the kid lives and wants to visit.
And BM just pointedly doesnt reply to anything so now my MIL asks me to email BM, cause BM never leaves any of my emails unanswered, how do i politely tell her i dont want to get involved at all.
And it is not just my MIL, my H's brother recently also had a child (with a one night stand) and now this crazy bitch is all "she wants to take her kid to meet my SS cause they should have a relationship." Everybody brings this BM into our lives when we dont want her there.
Also last time she came back to town she sent my inlaws a msg saying anyone is welcome to see SS as long as my H stays away.
As for my obsession i barely know what to do when im not stalking her.
That's where I feel it's so
That's where I feel it's so conflicting, I know he has tried. I've been here through most of it. And honestly in my heart I know that we should probably keep trying. Even when he says we done. I don't want his child to not know what an amazing dad he has. BUT, why should I keep telling him to fight when I possibly have the chance to be happy right now. Yes I worry about the future for all of us, but it kills me a lol Inside everyday. I'm at the point where I just want to say. "ok lets do it your way" and forget about them" and later it will just be his duty to explain to his child. I do I feel the need to be so involved anyway? It has nothing to really do with me.
Its true, that it was a
Its true, that it was a mistake and he wants to move on.... im usually the one stopping him bcause of my daddy abondonment issues. but im slowly realising that the more i insist the more we grow apart. i was so scared of ever admitting it out loud, because everyone thinks i should push him. now its like "why?" no good is coming from it at all.
As for the PCOS, im slowly realising nothing is written in stone.
And when it comes to that i will deal with it, pointless worrying about it now.
Thanks for the advice.
Hello and welcome! I'd only
Hello and welcome!
I'd only repeat what everyone else has said. Look after yourself. Look after your relationship. Absolutely support him if he chooses to pursue access to his child. But you can't drive that bus.
Block her social media, don't let her take up space in your head. It truly CAN become obsessive. Get on with building a life together, whether that ends up being with children, or not.
And BREATHE
Its bad how obssesive i
Its bad how obssesive i became, her name wouldnt come up unless i brought it up, my H has asked me so nicely to exclude them from our lives, at this point, reading some of the posts, i know for now thats probably for the best.
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Annorexic ugly
HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Annorexic ugly slut?? i couldnt exactly say that out loud. LOL Love it Sally!
Has she acknowledged your DHs
Has she acknowledged your DHs name on the kid's birth certificate? He pays maintenance. How is it that she denies visitation when you travel to where she is?
Yes, sadly there was not a
Yes, sadly there was not a chance he wouldnt be on the kids birth certificate, he was her first.
And we get a supoena every couple of months for an increase in maintenance. So not only do we travel to file for visitation, we have to go up everytime just to prove that we cant pay more, yet everytime there is a hearing for visitation she claims that she cant make it, or her lawyer just doesnt show up.
It is a pricey lengthly battle.
Once we went to town for a concert, and i asked H to call them to try to see SS, but her father answered and said "get a court order" then 10 mins later called back and said he can come provided i dont come and everyone is there.
When he went to see his kid all they argued because BM's dad said that they need to get more money.
All they wanted was more money, and he said if my H then he can see the kid more.
But like i said H, doesnt want anything to do with them now, he says he just doesnt have the energy and doesnt want to put me through all this again.
If you DH has been
If you DH has been acknowledged as the father of the child and is paying maintenance, then under the Children's Act, he has parental rights - including contact (visitation) and access (and limited custody). His ex has no right to deny him contact with the child. Its far harder for women to deny the rights of "unwed" fathers to their children since the legislation of 2005.
I would recommend that your DH takes time to visit the family advocate at the court in the district where they live. This will be enforce his contact - if that is what he wants - or to get a "parenting plan agreement" drawn up. This will rule out the constant subpoena for appearance in maintenace court for more money. Going through the maintenance office and family advocate does not need an attorney - its is specifically set up this way as very few parents can afford attornies to enforce their parental rights or the rights of the child. It may be worth doing it this way even if he doesnt want to see the child any more because he is sick of the drama - because then the maintenance issue is settled and it is usually escalated by inflationary costs.
As you live in a different town you may want to visit your local maintenance office for advice or contact the law clinic at your local university. I find it strange that you are using an attorney and have got no results. The rights of "unwed" fathers is a specialist area and there are law firms who specialise in only this - google it for your area.
Difficult BMs are stressful - even more so when you have issues like you have (crazy BM!!). Take care of yorself and your marriage first. Your DH has more rights than he knows.
The attorney we using is a
The attorney we using is a family friend that basically just shows up everytime when there is "suppossed to be a hearing" but as i said, you can easily get out of it.
We have seen a family advocate in our city, however BM refused to help and hangs up when the advocate calls.
Also anything we want to do... decrease maintenance or even just submit the forms has to be done in the city where the child lives.
The problem is we can force to go there but she always finds out when we coming and goes to stay with extended family.
When we send thing for the child she gives an alternate address, she also says she lives alone and rent should be taken into consideration when she actually lives with her parents in a government financed house because she works for them.
She earned too much to have it in hear name so got it in her unemployed fathers name.
She is extremely manipulative.
I appreciate the advice.
Sigh
To end the nonsense, you do
To end the nonsense, you do actually need to go to the district where the child is and file at that maintenance court. YOU (your DH) file the application. See the family advocate of the court - not a advocate in private practice speacialising in family law. There is no cost involved here other than your travel cost. It would probably be best to do the arrangements telephonically first - get an appointment and go.
If you see the family advocate of the court or file maintenance application at the court, she is obligated to appear at court and cant refuse - its a subpoena. Of course the first time this happens you will get a postponement and its going to be a waste of time and money. If she doesnt show up the second time she is in contempt of court again and the ruling probably will go your way because she doesnt defend the application or show an interest. Document her lies around where she lives and add that to your application - its fraud.
SHe lives in a government financed house because she works for the government? Yet the house is in the Dad's name? This is fraud. I would report this to the Dept of Housing or the HR department of where she works. Goevrnment officials are notoriously corrupt. In fact I would do an a report to the Hawks - on her corrupt living arrangements. But then I am just a bitch! ANd I play hardball.
Maintenace is based on the needs of the kid, not to finance Mummy's lifestyle.
Its easier said than done,
Its easier said than done, the thing with a subpoena is, that if she doesnt sign for it, there are no legal ramifications, so anyone at home signs for it and she just says she hasnt received it.
She works for a housing initative thats government funded (DH actually got her the job) so he dad legally applied for a house and fit all legal critrea. so sadly we cant prove any of the lies.
the advocate also told us to file for a decrease in maintenance where they live. BUT she said that its easy to dodge it, so we go up and do this, then get another date 3 months down the line (a subpoena she doesnt sign) we go and she doesnt show up, postpone it for another 3-4 months and the same thing happens.
Its a mess, and im usually the one telling DH what to do next, but im so tired of this now. like literally, im waving the white flag and saying, its their kid let them decide what they wanna do. im even glad the DH is done with it, im honestly just exhausted at this point.
I know its exhausting and
I know its exhausting and sometimes waving the white flag is all you can do. Its their kid. (Part of me wants to tell you that you are better off without the kid in your life. They drag BM and drama into it and it just complicates things, so pay the maintenance and forget the kid exists.)
The way to get around the dodge is to have it delivered to her office/work by the Sheriff of the Court through the HR department. Sherrif requests to see her through HR, she refuses to sign, Sheriff acknowledges that it was delivered to her but she refused to sign for it. YOu then have a contempt charge if she doesnt show up at court and its stops the postponement circus. There are lots of ways to get around lots of things. You can dodge and so can your DH.
Have you thought of taking a break from this whole circus? Just letting it go? Its stressful - so maybe you are right, just let it go and focus on you and DH. Forget BM, the kid and the associated circus.
Im at that point now, the one
Im at that point now, the one where im trying my best to just forget it.
Maybe for now it’s the best idea for me since struggle so much, I mean why am I even trying so hard?
Im ready to say, “come what will” but im done fighting against my husband to help him ant that bitch. I mean the first 8 months of our marriage was mostly me being depressed… to what end?
Thank you for all the advice, and when im ready to take up this fight again I will definitely look at all the options you’ve listed.