My husban chooses his other children
I'm really mad and have nowhere to express my feelings so I figured that posting in this forum could help me. I'm married to a man with two children; a boy, age 12; a girl, age 6. I'm currently pregnant with my first baby due in July. I'm practically supporting my husband so that he can support his children and I think I'm done! All of his money is going to court, child support, and his children when they come and visit. We live with my family because my father was sick and recently died of cancer. I felt that I needed to come live with my family to be with him during his last days. When his children come, every other weekend, we spend it at our parent's other home. Recently, I have been avoiding them and staying at home while they go to the other home. I pretend to be sleeping and I'm really tired of working full time while pregnant. I need my rest instead of hanging out with his kids watching them play Xbox and babysitting his little girl.
We have a pre-natal class to attend tomorrow. Of course, he feels he knows everything about children since he already has two and told me that he wasn't going to be able to go tomorrow because of work! This infuriated me! He knew about this over 2 months ago but now he can't go because he needs to make money to support his other family. He hasn't put in a dime for the doctor, the hospital or any of the child's needs. I've been paying for everything. He just tells me that he doesn't have money and if he doesn't pay his child support, he will go to jail. If he can't provide for our child financially, at least he should be there for us in other ways!! I told him to leave and support his other family. When he is ready to provide for this family, then he can come back. He made arrangements to finish his work today so that he can attend with me tomorrow. But he is doing it reluctantly. I think he's afraid he won't have anyone to support him so that he can support his children if he doesn't go to the class.
What am I supposed to do?
i think its hard when you are
i think its hard when you are pregnant and your spouse has "already done it before". he's a father 2x over already, and while this is his first with you, he's already experienced all of those "first time things".
i would refuse to watch his children for him anymore, unless that was part of the deal going into your marriage.
all that aside, living with people's parents is NOT healthy for a marriage.
It is hard! I feel like I'm
It is hard! I feel like I'm the only one excited about this baby! I wish I had someone who could experience those 'firsts' with me. I'm not going to watch his kids anymore and will only hang out when I'm up to it.
The reason we came to live with my parents is because my father was really sick with terminal cancer. Because of work, I knew I would only get to see him if I actually lived with him. He passed away in February and now I don't want to leave my mother alone.
Do you truly feel you are
Do you truly feel you are being used?
Only you can decide what you should do. If you feel your marriage is worth it, maybe you guys should go to counseling.
I do feel used. Like he
I do feel used. Like he married me to get a good standing with the judge in court. This way he would appear to be more responsible. Also, it must be nice to have your wife support you while all of your money goes to your kids.
I'd love to try counseling. The problem is that I would probably have to pay and that's another expense that I can't have at this moment.
If you really do feel like he
If you really do feel like he just used you (and continues to use you), I wouldn't want to waste money on counseling, anyway.
If he can't contribute as much financially, he should be willing to contribute in other ways and he should want to, not have to be forced. Just because he's had children before does not mean he should not want to be there for you and your child together. Do you feel he loves you at all?
I would not continue to support him. Instead, I would do what I needed to do for me and my child and let him do for his, WITHOUT my help or money.
I can't agree more with what
I can't agree more with what you said here:
"If he can't contribute as much financially, he should be willing to contribute in other ways and he should want to, not have to be forced. Just because he's had children before does not mean he should not want to be there for you and your child together."
Yes, he leaves me no choice. He can support his family without me. I have to do this for me and my baby.
You're right. If I continue
You're right. If I continue supporting him, then I'm just enabling his behavior.
Damn straight. Maybe he will
Damn straight.
Maybe he will only contribute to you via child support payments when you are an ex too
You deserve better, so does your baby. Seriously consider what is best. Never stay with a man because of children as the children will suffer for it. They are able to pick up on these things.
I've often thought if this
I've often thought if this was the real reason that BM and him broke up. That's probably the only way he would contribute to this baby.
I am not one to tell people
I am not one to tell people to just leave because it's hard to know the facts. So, please don't misinterpret. I'm not saying that you should flat out leave.
I think you should make a list of your financial situation currently with your DH. Then add the estimated costs of the baby and see what your financial situation is going to look like. Then you should make a list of what your financial situation would be without your DH, including costs for the baby.
Once you have the list, you need to figure out a way to bridge the gap between your earnings and your potential earnings. You have to get the finances under control or your entire relationship will be doomed from the resentment of supporting a family that isn't even yours.
So, once finances are worked out, you then need to make similar lists to things that your DH does well and ways in which he helps you and enhances your life. Then, things that he does that are hurtful, cause resentment, need to be changed. Prioritize the list by hills to die on and approach your DH with your concerns on what needs to change.
He had a family before you and has obligations to that family. He also has created a family with you and has obligations to your family. Understand/accept the first sentence, do not let him off the hook for the second.
That's great advice. I'll
That's great advice. I'll give it a try.
I've read that book,
I've read that book, actually. I totally agree with your points. There is no sense thinking about what I should've done. That's in the past. Trust me, I've looked back and learned from it. Unfortunately, my father had been sick with terminal cancer for about 5 years before he passed away in February. My main concern was my father and that didn't allow me to look at all the flaws in my relationship clearly. I need to think about what to do now. I have to put my foot down. Maybe if he provided for his entire family (including me and the baby), and not just his kids, I wouldn't feel so much resentment for his kids.
Due at the end of July
Due at the end of July
What the hell are you going
What the hell are you going to do when the baby comes and you aren't working? Will he be able to pay for two households? Do you pay rent where you are? Maybe you should, even if a parents house - it's the responsible thing to do.
You two need to sort out a budget. A realistic budget that can be stuck to.
And honestly, if he expects you to return to work before you feel ready, when your baby is just a few weeks or months old, all so he can pay for his other kids instead of you guys. Well.... I'd tell him to fuck off. But that's just me ;). It takes two to tango, he married you, you are having a baby. He has obligations to them but also to you.
If he can't look after you guys find someone who can. Even if that's you
I'm the only one that pays
I'm the only one that pays rent. My parents were kind enough to lend us the other home for when he has his kids as long as he maintains it and fixes it up. Luckily, my job allows me to get paid some of my regular pay for my time off. I'm taking 12 weeks off because I can. I work hard. I honestly don't need him but it still seems unfair not to receive anything from him. He says I pick only expensive things for the baby and that he cannot afford it. However, it really doesn't matter because had I picked a crib that was $25 he still wouldn't even give me $5 because he needs it all for his child support. So, why should I deprive my baby of nice things? I guess so that I can have more to give to him and his kids.
You're right he has obligations to this child, too. Unfortunately, like someone else mentioned, I might only get something from him if I'm an ex too.
He certainly does not need it
He certainly does not need it ALL for child support, they can only take so much of his paycheck.
Unless it was figured incorrectly or he has gone to a lesser paying job (in which case he should get it modified) he is full of shit. Full of it.
Yes, I'm beginning to think he is just using you. And your parents. He obviously has no self respect or respect for anybody else.
I am afraid that in your grief during your father's illness, you settled to keep company with a loser and a user.
If he chose to go to a
If he chose to go to a lower-paying job, a modification is unlikely.
Because they went through it
Because they went through it first, they think they know better. I've worked with children for 10 years now. Even so, my husband always told me, "when you have children, you'll know." He says this every time I try to tell him what I would like his kids to do. Simple things, like clean their room. He has guilt about leaving them and tries to make up for it by letting them do whatever they want.
But he knows best, I'm not a mom yet right? lol
Excuses excuses! If I were
Excuses excuses! If I were him, and I've told him, I would be working a second job at McDonald's if I had to. I guess we were just brought up differently.
as a new mother you want to
as a new mother you want to feel special. your husband is robbing you of that right to feel special and to be cared for before you deliver your child.
he is heartless. if he does not want to go, dont force him. go yourself. men like this are too into themselves. you may have to rely more on yourself than you want but that is the cards you have been dealt.