Stay or Go?
Greetings everyone,
First time user here. I was told about this site by a friend.
I'm 51, live with my girlfriend, 47, of 5 years. He have lived together for 3 years. My 30 yo son lives with us. He recently was placed on disability due to cancer and had to give up his apartment, job, etc. He is self-sufficient, just cannot work right now. My other 2 kids are in college and only home briefly during summer and Christmas.
My girlfriend is a wonderful person. Honest, generous, thoughtful, and usually in a good mood. The problem is her kids, 2 girls, 22 and 13. They obviously do not want me and mine here. They do not acknowledge our presence here. No speaking, not even eye contact. 22 refuses to grow up, work full time, or go to school. Her room is filthy to the point it smells up that end of the house. 13 is a seriously spoiled brat. She is hateful, disrespectful, and talks to her mother like a dog. When I tell her the house stinks, she quickly defends 22 and will go in and clean the room herself. I have reached out to them several times. I go to soccer games, graduations, school ceremonies, remember birthdays and more, but they still don't have anything to do with me or mine.
Since 22 and 13 don't really want me and my son around, we never, and I mean never, do anything all together. Their activities, our activities, their plans, our plans, their vacation, our vacation, etc.
Me and GF have talked about this numerous times, to no avail. She usually says, "Im working on it". We have been to counseling together for a few months. She will start to get a handle on 22 and 13 for a week or so, but it goes back to the same thing. I went to the counselor alone and was told I need to get out of there.
GF is seriously in love with me, and would be crushed if I left. I did leave once for 3 days and she was a trainwreck. I used to be in love with her, but not so sure anymore. The constant issues with 22 and 13, along with the tension that goes along with it has caused it to wear off I'm afraid. We live in a beautiful home in the country. We are not rich but live comfortably. It's a lot to leave behind.
If GF wasn't such a wonderful person, I would have been gone long ago. I'm just not looking forward to starting over at 51. The bottom line here is, I'm just not happy. Haven't been for some time. Even my kids tell me I'm different.
I thought maybe there would be someone on this site that was in a similar scenario
I agree with punkin and
I agree with punkin and catlettuce. Have a talk with your GF about how you are feeling then give it a month to see if things have changed. If things have not improved, it might be best to find your own place for the sake of your sanity and for your son's health and recovery. Even though you may have your own place there is no reason why you couldn't still keep seeing your GF if you find that you still have feelings for her. Maybe not being around her kids and you having a peaceful home environment will reignite the flames. This may be one of those situations where you are both better lovers and friends if you live separately. Let her deal with her kids and you can focus on yours. That is easier to do when you aren't living together. I wish you luck and keep us posted on what is going on.
She's demonstrated that she
She's demonstrated that she will/can not change. If the situation is intolerable then go where its tolerable. If you want to try your patience you could tell her that leaving is under serious consideration and try counseling again. It might turn her around although I doubt it.
Starting over at 51... WOW!
Starting over at 51... WOW! What an amazing opportunity. Go for it!
Time to move on IMHO. You do not need a mate who can't effectively raise her two children or control them enough to eliminate disrespectful manipulative behavior towards you, your son, and invariably towards your GF.
I started over. Granted I was 30 at the time but if my marriage were to develop in to a train wreck now that I am 50 I would relish a new beginning.
Fortunately that is not a likely outcome for my 20 year marriage which is going extremely well so far but I am always up for a new challenge and beginning should it be necessary.
Take care of yourself.
Sincerely,
Why stay! I had cancer, and
Why stay! I had cancer, and being around toxic people is no good. If for no other reason than your son's healing get out of there. If you don't want to pull the plug on the whole thing, you can truthfully say, "this is not the best environment for my son, you have tried with your kids and they sadly do not seem to change, but this is not about my son healing, and that trumps,s o we need to go." Go somewhere else for a bit, focus on him and see how much you really miss your lady and her children.
You might find, with time, that you are happier without her. She may have become a habit, and you may also see how nice normalcy feels. Simultaneously, your lady might make some efforts to truly change things.
I have the kind of step kids you have, the pretend you don;t exist type. I keep my daughter away from them as much as possible because I do not want her sucking up that toxicity. I stay away for the same reason. It does not change, and sadly they don't seems to age out of it. Other posters have said that it gets worse with time because a line has been drawn in the sand and it become about not losing face.
Take your son, and go heal, both of you! My very best wishes and prayers for your son's. full recovery!