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What about Father's Day?

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 12:39pm

I didn't want to hijack askYOURdad's blog about recognition on Mother's Day but I do have a question about Father's Day.

I don't have any bios. I am that woman who puts up with the "father" part of my DH because the man himself is just so wonderful and (so far) he's just worth the extra hassle that comes with him from his past life.

Should I acknowledge him on FD?

I came into the picture two years ago. The first year, I made other plans for the weekend so he could be alone with his kids. Last year, I stuck around but I noticed they didn't do anything for him. I didn't do anything either. I suppose in an intact family it's always the other parent showing appreciation on MD/FD but last year all he got from BM was complaints that she thought they should be in church. Nice. I'm actually glad they don't pat each other on the back on those holidays and help the kids make or buy gifts for each other. So am I supposed to do that now?

Here's my dilemma: I spend as little time as possible during the rest of the year acknowledging the "father" part of him. He does everything (cooking, cleaning, shopping, etc) when the kids are at our house because he's the dad...I'm not the mom...it's his job. I have never had to officially disengage because I never was engaged to begin with. I tolerate his kids and somewhat patiently wait for them to go home so I can have my husband back. If he posts pics or status updates about his kids on FB I don't "like" or comment.

It would feel all kinds of weird and awkward if I did anything for him on FD but I KNOW no one else is going to acknowledge him. Does anyone have suggestions for things that I can do to show him I support him?

The best I can come up with is to watch Chris Rock that day: "Nobody gives a fuck about Daddy. Think about everything that the real daddy does: pay the bills, buy the food, put a fucking roof over your head. Everything you could ever ask for. Make your world a better, safer place. And what does Daddy get for all his work? The big piece of chicken." Blum 3

Comments

hereiam's picture

Submitted by hereiam on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 12:53pm

I have no bios, either. I do always recognize my husband on Father's Day (if I don't, who will?) because he has always been a good dad to his daughters. They may not think so but I do!

zerostepdrama's picture

Submitted by zerostepdrama on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 12:54pm

I will recognize DH and have my BS make him a card and maybe a small gift.

We will be coming home from a camping/concert that weekend, so I dont think I will be planning much else, since I am sure we will be recovering from the weekend.

Not sure if the skids will plan anything. They havent any other year that I have been with him. Now that MSD has an apartment, she may deciede to do something at her house. I dont think they will buy anything or pay for a meal or anything like that... that would be too much Wink

I make sure that my BS does something for DH since BS lives with us FT. But I dont think DH has really been a father figure lately for BS. It's like he is just "there" but not really involved with BS. So honestly I dont know about this year.....

I think you should at least recogonize him. Smile

farting_glitter's picture

Submitted by farting_glitter on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 12:56pm

I will acknowledge MY dad on Father's Day...but not my DH....but my story is a little different than most on here......he doesn't deserve it from me....

askYOURdad's picture

Submitted by askYOURdad on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 12:59pm

I'm assuming his kids will be with him that day??? What if you just gave him a giftcard or tickets to go do something with his kids? Like to go see a movie or do a go-cart track and a card that just says "Enjoy some one-on-one time with your kids, You're a great dad"

A few weeks ago I took my bios to get new shoes for baseball and also play shoes. They each picked a pair of baseball shoes and my bio wanted a pair of iron man sneakers. I looked at the price and saw that they were $40. I told my bio "if you want Iron man shoes we can go to target when we leave here, I'm fine getting you the more expensive baseball shoes but it's silly to spend $40 on the same shoes that are $15.99" (bios are 6) he looked up at me and said "ok mom" and set the shoes down. The sales lady came over and said "kids don't react like that by luck, you are a great mom and have taught your kids well. You wouldn't believe some of the kid's reactions I see daily and I agree, $40 is ridiculous for shoes they sell at walmart Wink " This compliment meant way more to me than any compliment she could have given on my clothes/hair/bag/"your kids are cute" etc.

Maybe even just making him breakfast and saying something like "the best breakfast for the best dad"

Mercury's picture

Submitted by Mercury on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 1:14pm

This is great advise.

Lately, he's been getting the whole "you are such a bad dad" routine from the ex and the kids are being exposed to more and more negative comments about him. He feels like he's fighting a losing battle with them.

I like your suggestion because I can acknowledge him without having to actually take part in the activities.

Rhinodad's picture

Submitted by Rhinodad on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 1:22pm

The best thing my DW could do for me on Father's Day would be to make sure my SD is with her BioDad, and that I can celebrate Father's Day with my BS3.

Sounds callous, but I'd rather just spend the day with him. I don't need presents or anything, just some bonding time.

not2sureimsaneanymore's picture

Submitted by not2sureimsanea... on Mon, 05/05/2014 - 1:46pm

Well, I just celebrate father's day for BD and DH. The first year that SS was born, DH got an anonymous card with a bullet on the front that had his name on it, and "Hope you rot in hell" inside, with Happy father's day written in it.

Last year, when I was pregnant, I spent the day gardening with him because that's what he wanted to do. His mom invited him over for a father's day barbecue, but he declined because he said "it's bad luck to celebrate before the baby is born." He's a walking atm with no contact so he didn't count himself a father or let himself have that title before BD.

This year, I'll probably give him a day to do whatever he wants again, with a card probably from me and BD.

tabby yabba do's picture

Submitted by tabby yabba do on Tue, 05/06/2014 - 7:01am

I think you should acknowledge him. In whatever sweet, special way you know he'd appreciate. Nothing big, going over the top would seem disingenuous. Parenting is a long and thankless job that only (sometimes) gives you satisfaction 18-20 years later when your kid grows up to be a decent human being. That's a lot of work for an un-guaranteed outcome. Acknowledge him Smile