Need Help!
Married 6yrs. Household = 6 of us: Mr, Myself, BS12, BD12, SD12, SS11. Mr has had custody for 5 & 1/2 yrs of our 6yrs married. SD12 is a hardworker, honest & yes she has a typical tween attitude, but I can deal with that. SS11 on the other hand is lazy, a liar & manipulative. Mr sees it but doesn't deal with it consistenly. SS11 still wets the bed (no there is nothing medically wrong, I took him to the pediatrician for testing). Instead of taking his wet bedclothes to the laundry room, he piles them up in his bedroom for weeks at a time (I refuse to clean up urinated in clothing for an 11yr old) causing the entire hallway of our home to smell. I have numerous times said something to Mr & SS11 about this, with no changes in 5 & 1/2yrs. There has been so much trouble because of SS11 lying on me, BS12, BD12 & SD12 that none of us want to be around him. With school stuff, he lies and says the teacher didn't give him his worksheet for homework, or he already did it and turned it in, then when I find out from the teacher that it's a lie I have to encourage Mr to do some form of punishment. Recently I have stepped back and not allowed myself to get involved with anything unless it directly effects me, but that has resulted in SS11 becoming more bold about doing things he shouldn't & failing all subjects at school. These issues are just a small taste of my life (didn't even touch on issues SS11 has caused by lying to BM about us) & not an every once in a while thing...this is EVERYDAY for 5 & 1/2 years. I love Mr & SD with all my heart, but hate SS11 for all the problems he causes. What else can I do???
Not your monkeys, not your
Not your monkeys, not your circus. Your DH ("Mr") has to parent his own kids. Even if that means letting them fail every grade in school. You've done right to step back and not involve yourself. Keep it up.
Regarding the soiled sheets though, that is a legitimate concern for your comfort and safety in your own home (who knows what bugs want to live in piled up urine-stained sheets that sit around for weeks?). I would put them in DHs car. He'll deal with the sheets then, and when he gets sick of dealing with the sheets, he'll address his son.
Good luck!
Putting the soiled sheets in
Putting the soiled sheets in Mr vehicle would start war between the two of us when I want him to see it's SS11 that he should be mad at for this. I appreciate the encouragement on stepping back, as it is difficult for me because I feel like SS11 is getting away with murder. If you have any other thoughts on how to get Mr to deal with the issues (sheets, lying, school stuff) please feel free to pass them my way.
What's worse? Putting the
What's worse?
Putting the sheets in the DHs way, which will start a war with DH regarding addresing the issue he need to parent his own kid and deal with his own kids' mess? (which actually might result in a positive outcome of DH actually parenting)
or
You continue to deal with the SSs urine-soaked sheets, with zero appreciation, zero help, more push-back from the mouthy/lying SS until you have a LYS (lose your shit) moment and burn the whole house down? Or a mental break down. Or something equally as negative.
It's your choice. You may not have stuck up for yourself these first six years, but that doesn't mean you're destined to a lifetime of doormat-ness.
Look around these forum threads. You'll likely find answers for every question you have. These women have been-there-done-that and survived. I've learned a ton. You can too!
I agree with Tabby - this kid
I agree with Tabby - this kid is NOT your problem. If he fails, so be it. If your DH isn't concerned enough about it to address the issue, then you just have to let it go. I'm dealing with that with my own stepkids right now, and it doesn't seem to show any promise of getting better.
Also as Tabby said, "Not my monkeys, not my circus." I've adopted that as my go-to mantra to say over and over to myself when my skids do and say their stupid shit, which is multiple times a day when they're at our house.
It really does suck that this kid is trying to make your life a living hell, though. I'd definitely address this with my spouse if that were the case.
As for the soiled sheets, I'd sit my spouse down and put it to him like this: "Okay, we've dealt with the peeing-in-the-bed thing now for over half a decade. That's PLENTY long enough. From now on, starting tonight, every time the boy wets his bed, I'm going to strip all the sheets off the bed and set them on fire in the back yard. (Can you imagine how horrid that mattress must be? Ugh.) When he runs out of sheets, I'm going to start taking your clothes, dear spouse, and letting him use those for sheets. Those will be burned also. Burnings will continue until morale and dry nights increase. That is all."
Thanks ncgal1980 - I have
Thanks ncgal1980 - I have tried throwing away his soiled bedding (matresses, sheets, comforters, but then...SS11 tells BM he doesn't have a bed or blankets, BM calls my Mr to inform him child services told her it's neglect for SS11 not to have a bed & bedding to sleep on. So then I have to go spend our money (because Child Support Services has allowed BM to go years without paying cs) to replenish his beds and bedding. No win situation?
I found a quote from another
I found a quote from another person's response to a post on here a couple years ago, dealing with disengagement (which I have also done):
DISENGAGING
To disengage--to simply try less or stop trying at all--requires accepting a number of truths about being married to a man with children.
*They are not your children.
*You are not responsible for overcoming their upbringing or any emotional or social problems they have.
* You are not responsible for what kind of people they are. You are not responsible for what kind of people they become.
*These responsibilities belong to your husband, who will likely not raise his kids (or make interventions with his adult kids) the way you would.
Having accepted this reality, you then make a promise to yourself: I will never give them the opportunity to treat me disrespectfully again.
While the monkeys aren't
While the monkeys aren't yours, the circus is going on in your tent and I, personally, would have a lot to say about it.
I'd have very little to say,
I'd have very little to say, but those words would have teeth to them. It's ultimatum time for this dad...Fix your kid's damn problem or there WILL be burnings!
That's the trouble I have
That's the trouble I have with disengaging. I can't keep my mouth shut! I hate to see SS11 get away with so much shit! I have easily enough refused to do school stuff because it does not directly effect me or my home. But then BS12, BD12 & SD12 ask me "Why didn't SS11 get in trouble for not doing his homework?" I say "Ask Mr" none of them will because he gets angry with them. There have been many a nights fighting because Mr had to deal with SS11, therefore he was ill, and his attitude about it was not taken out on SS11 it was taken out on me, BS12 BD12 or SD12. I know it sounds like my Mr is useless and you probably wonder "why do you stick around?" But honestly SS11 is the only thing we EVER fight about. I just keep thinking one of two thoughts: 1. At 14yrs old he can go back to live with BM & 2. At 18 years old Mr is no longer responsible for SS11 and we can make him leave our home.
But will your DH make him
But will your DH make him leave? That's the question.
I hoped and prayed that SD would never live with us (she didn't) because I was afraid she'd never leave. She's not very smart nor motivated. Sure enough, she ended up 2 years behind in school, got pregnant, quit school, got married. She's now divorced with 2 kids and living back with BM.
Luckily, I made a deal with my hubby a long time ago that no other adult lives with us. Yep, sorry honey, that includes your daughter. Didn't you read the fine print? (I'm kidding, we didn't have anything written up but no exclusions were discussed, either, so I win).
hereiam, Mr says now he
hereiam,
Mr says now he wishes BM was stable/drug free enough that SS11 could go live with her. SS11 has asked to go back to live with BM, only reason Mr says "no" is drug abuse in that home, but we've been told at 14 we don't get a say so it's SS11's decision. I don't have my hopes up for this to happen at 14, because BM doesn't want SS11 to come back to her now that SD12 says she doesn't want to live with her. I am just trying to find ways to cope for the next 7yrs. I could never leave my Mr or SD12, because of the actions of SS11...so I have to find ways to cope because I am done dealing with this kid!
No matter what his age and
No matter what his age and what he wants, as a minor he will go where the judge says and if BM is an addict, chances are it won't be with her. He may get some input where he wants to live at 14, but he will not make the final decision.
And if he flunks out of school and has no future, and BM doesn't want him when he's 18, is your DH willing to put him out?
He says he doesn't want any
He says he doesn't want any of the children living with him after age 21, so maybe I need the mindset of making it through 10 more years??? I just don't want in the end to have hatred or resentment towards my Mr of this kid. The other three children are so good, be it at home or school, I just don't understand SS11's utter disregard for our rules, life's rules, lack of motivation, complete carelessness when Mr does punish for rule breaking. I don't want the other 3 children to see his behavior & my Mr's inconsistentcy in punishment, and begin heading down that same path...but at the same time, I just don't want to deal with SS11 at all anymore.