His Ex-Girlfriend is Using Her Daughter to Push Me Away

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My boyfriend has a close but complicated relationship with his ex-girlfriend's daughter. He is the only father figure she has known. His ex-girlfriend, who has never met me but does not like me, uses her daughter to guilt him about spending time with her and as a way to keep in contact with him. When she gets mad at him though, she takes her daughter away and tells her daughter bad things about my boyfriend.

My boyfriend used to be "dad" to her but now insists that things have changed and he cannot be her "dad" but would like to be her friend and that things cannot be the same, i.e. no more sleepovers and such. But something always comes up and I'm the one always out of the loop. Her mother was having some hard times so the daughter started sleeping over again and he was spending lots more time with her instead of being her "friend."

I don't resent her but I have only met her once. Ever. She is going away to school so they need more one on one time together. The one time I did meet her, he and I had to sleep on the air mattress we bought for her in the living room while she slept in our bed. I have to leave when she comes over or he goes to pick her up and stays out with her. I always feel out of the loop about everything. I don't even know how much contact he has with his ex... everyday? once a week? And any time I bring up feeling pushed away, I end up looking like the crazy mean person who doesn't understand. I feel really alone sometimes and it makes me feel like crap inside. I have tried so hard in everyway to communicate this to him but it always comes across as me making a tough situation harder. He and the daughter even sleep in the same bed and I think she's too old for that. Is there anything I can do? Why am I always pushed away?

lemme see if i got this

lemme see if i got this straight - your BF had serious relationship with the exGF, got really close to a kid that IS NOT HIS and is still keeping in contact with the kid that IS NOT HIS and thus the exGF who IS NOT HIS BABY'S MOTHER, who he has NO OBLIGATION to talk to ever again. BF is getting into a pseudo-custody situation with a kid who he has NO LEGAL RIGHTS or obligations to, whatsoever. .... even though he and the kid-whose-not-his' mom arent dating any more. Is that right?
OK... That is super noble of your BF, but SUCH SUCH SUCH SUCH SUCH a bad idea i cant even begin to describe it.

Yes, that is right. Its not

Yes, that is right. Its not always easy to be understanding but this is a relationship that developed when I wasn't in the picture and I can only do my best to deal with it and be supportive without it damaging me. I have no right to take away a young girl's father figure.

Depending on what state you

Depending on what state you are in, I know that some court's actually grant custody to guys in your bf's situation. It all has to do with how long he was with his ex, how old the kid is, and things like that. Since he is the only dad that she has ever known, your bf can use that to try and get some custody.

He does not want any kind of

He does not want any kind of formal/legal custody.

No, not college! She is in

No, not college! She is in middle school. But funny story... the age difference between the daughter and I (about 10 years) is also just about the age difference between my boyfriend and I.

The three of them used to

The three of them used to live together. She asks to sleep over because I guess that she misses living with her "dad." And my boyfriend had a hard time telling her no, especially when the the ex is always guilting him saying they are going through hard times etc etc. Over time, I assume this has just become somewhat of a pattern or routine that no one has a problem with or sees anything wrong with (except me!) because they are all used to it.

And I can't spend time with them because they want one on one time together before she leaves. Or because they are re-establishing their relationship from the last time the ex-girlfriend cut him out of their lives. There's always a reason! I suspect but am not sure that the ex-girlfriend doesn't like to allow me to be around her daughter. Like I said I don't know for sure but if it is true, explains a lot.

And the reason she doesn't like me is because my boyfriend and I are really happy together and he told her he sees a future with me whereas she is still single and I'm pretty sure loves him still. Which is about the lamest it can get.

I've mentioned before

I've mentioned before regardless of anyone's actions, at the end of the day, I am dating my boyfriend and he is responsible for treating me well and making me feel important. I always stand up for myself and we actually had (another!) talk. About how he needs to be more up front and always keep me informed.

Right now the ex is going through some rough times. I guess her living situation and transportation situation isn't too great. So he tries to help her out, give her a ride etc. I never knew about most of this. And his reasoning was that it was such a small nonissue that he didn't want to upset me with it. But lo and behold when I do find out, to me, it is coming out of nowhere so of course I'm surprised and hurt that again I'm the last to know and the only one who doesn't.

He knows (very clearly!!) that this is not okay and will not be tolerated ever again. He always has the best intentions but is so not good at carrying them out sometimes...

I want to not be affected by this and for the most part I'm not, only when i feel blindsided and like I've been kept in the dark.

Oh, that's rich. He thought

Oh, that's rich. He thought it was a nonissue so he didn't tell you so you wouldn't be upset. If it was such a nonissue why did he hide it from you? And, why if it was such a non-issue did he KNOW you would be upset.

If you are in a relationship and you know something you do or say is going to upset the other half of that relationship, you don't do it.

You would be the perfect

You would be the perfect partner in crime to have questioned him with!

I totally agree with you and asked him all these things and talked about it. Long story short, he is well aware, very ashamed and regretful and I do believe it was as simple as not thinking things through and taking the easiest but wrong route of avoidance. No, I'm not naive! But I also believe in not holding grudges. No I'm not naive because I still feel like we're on the same team and there is mutual respect, understanding and forgiveness on both parts... Yup, we're still on the same team, but we just lost the playoffs!

She said the child slept in

She said the child slept in their bed while they slept on the airmattress they bought for the kid. They BF and kid are not sleeping in the same bed. whewwww...

Still, if your BF is moving on, he has to move on. This is not his child. He was never even married to her mother. How long were they actually even together?

The ex is always told of the

The ex is always told of the situation and so she KNOWS but after that all I can do is hope she respects it... not necessarily in terms of the whole cheating thing but more in just the you-have-to-keep-certain-boundaries-even-as-friends-and-be-sensitive-to-the-situation.

And none of us three adults have ever dealt with something like this before so honestly we have no idea what to do and whats what! My boyfriend clearly doesn't know what to do at times and I think he feels that separating things helps him manage it and avoid awkwardness and such. Which I agree makes sense but technically so does communism! But when you're dealing with people! Guess thats why we're all here!

This is an amazing account. I

This is an amazing account. I almost want to ask the name of your BF because it sounds so much like someone I was dating, except he did not sleep with the child in the same bed. But there was the same story with the sleep overs and the confusion about who takes priority and not wanting to bring it up because I look like the bad one who doesn't understand. I can totally relate to this scenario. I am grateful too for the comments because it helps to jar me to reality that there is something not quite adding up. I am still friends with this man but we are no longer dating. but I have not quite moved on and it may be time for me to do so.

wow.. I had to reread that..

wow.. I had to reread that.. that is creepy. He is no relation to this girl at all. And now it puts a whole new spin on her having to leave the house when this kid is there.

As it sounds like you & BF

As it sounds like you & BF live together, then you could just refuse to go out next time he has the kid over. It sounds like he's setting himself up to be hurt in the future here though - BM can withold visits at any time, and I would bet on him never hearing anything again once BM gets herself a new boyfriend.

If the kid still sees him as 'dad' then she needs to see that dad has a new relationship & is happy - but I guess your BF is scared that if he doesn't jump through the hoops BM is putting up he'll lose all visits with her.

It's a horrible situation, but without legal rights to see the child I think BM will always have this hold over him until the daughter is old enough to decide whether to keep in contact or not.

I hear a lot of conflicting

I hear a lot of conflicting things and I'm not always included but from what my boyfriend says, is that toward the end they had a very bad relationship. And naturally she was "crazy" (his words not mine!) But that now she has learned a lot and has turned over a new leaf. I'd like to think so but ultimately, I am dating HIM, not the ex so it is his responsibility to make me feel like I'm in a good place regardless of anything the ex does.

Funny enough, the daughter seems most okay with it. She told my boyfriend she thinks he should marry me. But still does bring up lots of things from when they lived together.

No one seems to know what will happen when the ex gets a new boyfriend (when I feel evil, I like to say it'll never happen anyway!) BUT hopefully everyone will behave like adults.

Yes, I feel horrible saying

Yes, I feel horrible saying that I'm relieved she'll be out of the picture for a little while. I think it'll be a nice break to see how things will go: what contact with the ex will be like without the daughter around, what contact with the daughter will be like if any. And how he and I feel about it all. It'll be nice to let things settle and everyone to kinda let this lump digest!

Red flag Red flag. This

Red flag Red flag. This situation is not Appropriate by any means. It is great that he wants to help raise this fatherless child. However the relationship is unhealthy, being an outsider reading this it seems to me that the child has taken on a girlfriend role. Even if the child was his own “If she is in middle school she is hardly a child anymore” it would still be just as inappropriate for her to be sleeping in the same bed with him. If he is going to have contact with this child there needs to be boundaries set. And if you are ever going to have a lasting relationship with him then he needs to start involving you in all parts of his life.
Just my opinion

what??????????

I would agree with most of

I would agree with most of these comments. Sometimes is best to get yourself on a higher level of thinking and try to reach out past your emotions. Your emotions are probably saying stay, when logic really says, there is something messed up going on around here. You ultimately have to decide for yourself. But maybe enough comments on here will help your reasoning along. You may also find some helpful advice by using the Ex2 System. It helps solve relationship problems and puts a good perspective on things.

-Jonahs

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His Ex-Girlfriend is Using Her Daughter to Push Me Away