Honest Opinions
Well, I haven't spoken to my SKs in like 2 weeks and I don't want to speak to them. We all live in the same house together and I have 2 bio kids as well. This all started the eve of SS14's birthday party. My DH took all of the kids over to his brother's house and SS14 were mean to my kids BS8 and BS6, pushing them making them feel bad. During the party he didn't acknowledge them and even kept on hitting my BS8. In turn, since he's started this I guess in an effort to fit in my BS8 had starting hitting my BS6. After the party, everything is back to normal until SS14 hits my BS8 again and all DH says is you guys need to learn to get along. I told DH that this is not okay. I told him, since he couldn't handle the situation better then it's best our kids stay separated because if SS14 hits my kids again then I would handle it. Let me be clear that I don't condone hitting period. If my kids are fighting I punish them both. Even though my kids have totally forgotten about the situtation, I haven't and I'm still mad as hell. I can't stand SS14. He is a little brat, sneaky one at that. So I just don't talk to them at all, I have nothing nice to say. It seems like everything just hit me at once. I don't like the way my SKs were raised, my DH and I don't see eye to eye as far as education is concerned, i.e. his son's get terrible grades without concequences, phone calls from teachers daily, etc. Where I wouldn't dare condone. As my kids get older, my oldest sons are now wanting to talk slang, listening to the SS14. I'm just panicking right now because I don't want my kids going down the road that my SKs are. I stay because I love my DH. He has good intentions but little follow through. My DH and I have had this discussion numerous times over 5 years and he says how we all have to get on the same page, same rules for everyone, blah, blah, blah but never follows through with his kids. My DH and I come from 2 totally different backgrounds and it shows. I can't really relate to his family or get used to the way they live and I don't want my kids around it. Not that I think I'm better than them, I just see so much potential in my kids and I don't want them going down the same road as me and definitely not the same road as SKs. Also, the hitting thing just showed me how divided we are still with the kids because if someone was hitting on SK's I think DH would have done a lot more. I don't want to live with SKs anymore but to stay with DH I have no choice. When my kids were smaller, I guess I didn't worry as much, wasn't really looking toward the future but now, it's all I think about. Am I being unreasonable here or taking this too far?
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Comments
I think you've got every
I think you've got every right to intervene when a skid is hitting your child. You have standards within your home, and skids have to respect those, otherwise you've no hope of instilling those values in your own kids. Part of the issue here as well is the age gap - a 14yo is going to be a lot bigger and stronger than an 8yo, and there's no reason why he should be hitting out at someone so much younger and smaller.
You & DH need to present a united front about this though, and it sounds like you're not agreeing at the moment. Perhaps try to highlight the age difference to your DH - how would he feel if an 18yo say hit his 14yo? That's less age gap than your kids have, but I'm sure he'd be furious!
Storm is right. Why is it
Storm is right. Why is it acceptable to your DH for a 14 yo to hit an 8 and 6 yo? ALL the kids in the house should be following the same rules. If they talk mean to each other or hit each other, they all should have the same punishment, and you AND DH need to follow through. SS14 sounds like a bully.
Thank to each of you for
Thank to each of you for your point of views. DH and I do need to stand united on this situation but the fact that we haven't been united and don't see eye to eye is what's really bothering. I know that if the tables were reversed, he wouldn't have been so calm. I know that if someone was hitting on his son, I wouldn't haven't been nonchalant about it. I guess I'm just seeing the divide and don't feel like we will ever truly be a family. I feel like it will always be his kids, my kids, and our child. I know that I'm supposed to be the adult in this situation and I am acting a little childish but I just think the point of the matter is I feel defeated. I'm tired of talking to DH about us needing to be united. I'm tired of feeling like my opinion doesn't count. You know one time DH told me about a conversation between him and BM and he told me that all the decisions were made between him and her and I was just told what the situation was. That really blew me away. Or the one time that I did try and repremand SS14 he went back and told DH his version and DH takes his side. I've tried very hard to put differences aside and to just go with the flow and I'm tired. Yeah, this situation has rehashed old feelings that I've tried to suppress. My kids are getting older and my BS8 sees the differences. And furthermore, I don't have a hand in SS's upbringing per se, I live with them, cook for them, etc. but my opinion doesn't matter one bit but if or when they do screw up, I don't want people thinking it's a reflection of my parenting skills.
"all the decisions were made
"all the decisions were made between him and her and I was just told what the situation was."
If that's how Dh wants it to be, then so be it. You cook, clean, do laundry, shop, etc. for your kids. You will be making those decisions for your kids. DH can cook, clean, do laundry, shop for his kids and make those decisions. If his son hits on your son, treat his son just as you would treat any other child trying to beat on your kid. Scold him, take him by the arm to his father, and tell his father to straighten it out because if it happens again, you will have to notify CPS.
This is why it is called a 'blended' family. The parents are supposed to blend their lives and kids together. He doesn't seem to want to do that.
I can play devils advocate
I can play devils advocate for a minute here. i think your DH is trying or what he thinks is trying, to be fair to all children. Yes they do have to learn to all get along. HOWEVER, I would ask your DH this: why is he not concerned with the hitting towards your BS's? If he is concerned about it then ask him to address his son and ask why he is hitting. I think that your SS feels very bad about himself, perhaps he thinks he got the raw end of the deal because his parents are no longer together, maybe he gets picked on at school and now he has to share his dad with other children. I seen this kind of thing with my nephew actually, your SS may be crying out in a obvious way for help and does not know how to ask for it. Maybe suggest sitting down with your SS and have a heart to heart or maybe suggest counselling for him alone and for the entire family as well.
Purpleflower